Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Holidays, Moving, and Wishes

We are in the midst of the Great Move...from the 3rd floor to the second.  :)  It's still a pain, even though we don't have quite as much stuff and don't have to rent a truck.  But it'll be a MUCH better living situation, I think.
My in-laws returned last night, having been in Hawaii for the past two months.  So we're getting used to not having the house to ourselves.  Ah, well.  Maybe we'l win the lottery.  Of course, it would help if we actually played the lottery.

I realized a couple of things this morning: It was one month ago today that I arrived in London.  Which is odd, because it seems like I was just there last week.  I definitely need to get back, soon.   I know it's not perfect, and it has its issues, like any city (particularly in terms of how expensive everything is!), but it's been my dream city ever since I was a kid and visited for the first time.  The place I would choose if I could live anywhere on Earth.

The other thing, much closer to home, that I realized is that there only a week and a half until the kids' winter vacation.
TWO WEEK winter vacation.
The refrain has been sounding in my head all morning, like Jacob Marley dragging his chains and calling out for Scrooge.

My mom will be in town for some of the time, and she's planning on spending at least some of that time in hotel with a pool.  Maybe four or five, which would be great.  But the rest of the time she'll probably be here, which means we have to find something to keep the kiddos occupied. And, lately, WG has decided she'd like to be home As Much As Possible, and lets us know her displeasure in being taken Out Of The House in ways that aren't always nice.  (I was sporting a nice scratch on my forehead for a few days from an attempted walk on Thanksgiving Day.)

I really, REALLY wish there were programs for special needs kids during school vacations!  There are plenty for typical kids, but we don't have the money right now to hire an aid for ours...
So, it's up to me to keep them busy, involved, and entertained.  In some ways it was easier when they were smaller.  They were more portable, lol!  Can't just put them in the double stroller and head out anymore.  Now they're nearly adult-sized (LG is taller than both of his grandparents), and REALLY strong.

And stubborn.
Can't imagine where THAT comes from... (looks away, whistling).

So, we'll figure it out as we go.

So, that's been the daily grind around here.
Aside from a series of some sort of insect bites on a rather ...unfortunate...part of my anatomy that have gotten a bit infected.
More than you needed to know?

Probably a good place to stop.

See ya soon, friends!

Friday, November 28, 2014

Where Have I Been?!?!?!?!

It's a good thing that I don't make my living blogging, because I really suck at it.
3 weeks since my last post.

However, one of those weeks was spent in London, which was FAB!  But I didn't bring my laptop with me, and I prefer to not write my blog on my phone.  I'm already near the point of needing reading glasses.  :)

So. London.
Amazing!  Gorgeous!  My hotel was near both Hyde Park and Paddington Station.  I bought a visitors' Oyster card, so I was able to get around very easily.  I'd also downloaded a fantastic app that helped me plan my route wherever I wanted to go.
I ended up walking about 3-4 hours every day.  The weather was very cooperative, which was nice.  But, honestly, even if it had been pouring rain the entire time, I still would've walked.
Since I spent 2 entire days traveling to and from, I ended up with 4 full days in which to explore.  I'd thought about seeing a show, and looked into taking the train to Cardiff to see the Doctor Who Experience, but train tickets are VERY expensive. And I really didn't want to spend 2-3 hours in a dark theater this time around.  Maybe if I'd had more time.  There was certainly no shortage of great shows playing.
But what I really wanted to do was explore the city I love and have missed so much.  So each day I chose a neighborhood and did just that.

I did get to see an exhibit at the British Museum about Gothic literature and film, which was fun.  And I went to the National Gallery.  Most, if not all, of the museums have free admission.  You pay to see certain exhibits, but the permanent collections are free.  So while I didn't get to see the Rembrandt exhibit, I got to see some other lightweights.  Y'know, like Money and Renoir.  ;)

On my last day, I went to the Tower of London to see the poppies.  It was amazing!  I'm so glad I went, as they took them down a couple days later.
From there I walked over the London Bridge to Bankside, through the Borough Market, and on to the Globe Theatre, where I took a tour.  Then it was back over the Millenium Bridge to St. Paul's Cathedral.  I was going to walk from there to a store called Forbidden Planet, but by then it was nearing rush hour, and having ridden the tube during rush hour previously in the week, I wanted to avoid that at all costs, lol!

I also got to meet a friend for dinner on Thursday night.  We'd worked at the Shakespeare company together, and hadn't seen each other in 20 years.  She now lives in London and works as a producer for a VFX company.  It was so great to see her and hang out!

But I spent most of my time there not speaking.  Which was actually pretty cool. Kind of like a silent retreat, but in a bustling, crowded, amazing place.

London has changed quite a bit since I'd last been there.  But then, so have I.  Being alone in a city that is not your own is a great experience.  And, for the first time, I didn't have anyone to answer to but myself.  I went where I wanted, when I wanted, and did what I wanted to do.  
And was able to think.  About Stuff.

I'm hoping to go back next year.  My mom has said that she'd like to go, as she hasn't been in years.  And that she'd pay for a trip for both of us.  Which I think I'll take her up on, lol!  She's assured me that we won't have to be attached at the hip (especially since hers is new, wacka wacka wacka!).  That we can go off and do our own things.  Which is good, because she and I aren't necessarily interested in the same things...

The best part is the realization that I CAN go away for a bit without everything falling apart.  Hubby had  a great time with the kids, and they, in turn, were just fine while I was gone.  Sure, it's a bit humbling, to say the least, to find out that you are not nearly as essential to everyone's well-being as you'd previously believed yourself to be. But it's also liberating.  I can maybe start to let go of some of the Mom Guilt should I actually, say, do a show or get anther job.

Finally, I must say that I'm pretty proud of myself.  I planned a trip and actually WENT.  By myself. I navigated the city on my own (with the help of Google Maps and a couple of kind strangers).  I began the process of rediscovering ME, apart from wife/mom/teacher, etc.

And it only took me a week and a half to get over my jet lag!

OK, that's it for now.  I hope all my U.S readers had a lovely Thanksgiving, and everyone else had a terrific Thursday.  Have an amazing weekend!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

OK, Then. Negative to Hopeful. And Maybe a Bit Kick-A**.

Well that's done.  Election day is over, not many surprises.  Not terribly happy with most of the results, but, again, they were not unexpected.  It seems the political pendulum swings back & forth pretty quickly these days.  So one side will crow and beat their chests, and, most likely, we'll get right back to gridlock and finger-pointing while nothing much changes.
Part of me is wondering if I should just pop some popcorn, pull up a chair, and point and laugh.  'Cause I'm tired of crying.
Truthfully? Yes, I'm upset about the outcome of the elections.  It does nothing to pretend that I'm not, that I'm fine.  But it also doesn't help to panic, either.  On Facebook today, Marianne Williamson said "Don't panic, grieve." That that's the way to figure out the next steps to take.
Makes sense to me.
Across the board, not just with politics.

I do have to admit, however, that sometimes it feels REALLY good to be pissed off at people in my own political party.  'Cause sometimes they just muck it up.  And by not having any backbone whatsoever (politicians) and not voting (citizens), they have no one to blame but themselves.  And if you're gonna be like THAT, then, I'm sorry, but I can't just pat you on the head and tell you it's OK.

Because it isn't.

Which brings me to, well, me. For a long time now I've been trying to remain optimistic about my own situation.  Actually, that's the wrong phrasing.  Because being optimistic is one thing, and completely ignoring the crap is something else entirely.
I won't lie.  It's been rough these past 10 years or so.  We have been through it, and there's no point in pretending it hasn't happened.  There's been a lot of death, a lot of loss, a ton of disappointment.  That's life, yes, but sometimes it seems we've had a bit more than our share these past few years.

Right now my in-laws are out of town.  And, truthfully, it highlights just how hard it is living with them.  While I'm grateful for the roof over our heads and the (occasional) help with the kids, there's a lot of negative stuff that goes along with it. And we're not in a position right now to change that, so we just have to deal.

As always, there is the constant worry about the kids, and what the future holds.

My husband has a horrible job that pays little.  We're working on changing that.

I want my career back.  I'm working on that, as well.

There's more.  I won't go into it all.

The point of all this is to ACKNOWLEDGE it.  Because ignoring it doesn't help.  Just the opposite.  If I deny that anything is wrong, if I keep stuffing the issues down, how can I make anything better?  It didn't work when I ate to cover my anxiety/sadness/anger, why should it work on a broader scale?  If I'm feeling trapped, who else can can dig me out? No one!  I gotta grab a shovel (or even a spoon) and start getting MYSELF out of the quagmire.

And while it's all well and good to care and for strangers, wringing my hands and saying "Oh dearie me" doesn't get stuff done.  Staying awake and worrying at 4 AM won't feed the hungry or house the homeless. Donating food to the local pantry will help.  Volunteering, making donations, those kinds of things make the difference.

It's time for me to get off my butt (and my computer, as I sit typing this :) ), and DO THINGS.

Next week I'm going to London.  By myself.  And it is a trip that is not only desperately wanted, but NEEDED.  I have to get out of my environment, my everyday routine, and figure sh*t out.

(I already know one thing very clearly, that arguing with people on Facebook is nothing but a gigantic time suck that changes nothing.  Actually, that's not entirely true: My anxiety and blood pressure levels change, they go waaaaaay up.)

So this trip: I'm hoping to get some much-needed perspective. As well as a few days of peace & quiet, time to myself, and, as I've mentioned, the first genuine vacation I've had in a long while. See some shows, visit museums, walk the streets, and just BE in my favorite city in the world.

I need to figure out a way to make our lives better.  I'm tired of waiting and worrying.  Again, that will change nothing.

I should probably also say that I'm VERY EXCITED for my trip, lol!!!!!!!!

So, the take-away from all this:
-Don't Panic (and always bring a towel).
-Worry doesn't help.  Feeling the feeling, letting it go, and taking action DOES.
-Petty arguments solve nothing and only create stress.
-Acknowledge the situation as it is, and allow the corresponding emotions to surface. Feel them.  Admit them. Let them go.
-Enjoy my trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK.  Good. This sounds like a plan.
And now, I must go get my flu shot.

See ya!

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Where Does the Time Go?

It's been over a week since I posted.  Sorry, again!
It's been an eventful week around these parts.  My sister-in-law & family came in from Hawaii for a few days, and I've been cooking up a storm (I got a new cookbook!). I'm preparing for my trip, trying to find a new pediatrician for the kids, and getting them used to the dentist.  The last one requires multiple visits to the office in order to get them comfortable and familiar with their surroundings before subjecting them to the actual dental work.  We may still have to have them sedated, but we'll see.
I've been writing a bit, which is good.  Working out, hanging out with the pup, and YES, I reached my goal weight!!!!!!
So now I go into the maintenance phase.  And if my weight stays basically the same for the next 6 weeks, I become a lifetime member. Which means I get most stuff for free. :)
And I have stepped up the workouts.  The weight is gone, now it's time to REALLY tone up.

However, it is the first time in about 30 years that I'm not actively trying to lose weight.  It's freaky, but in a good way!

Aaaaaaand, in news that is not ALL about me, LG's new teacher has arrived, and she is FANTASTIC.  WG continues to love her school (what's not to love?), and Hubby is still doing the work of at least 3 people while earning near-indentured-servant wages.

It's hard to believe that Halloween is right around the corner.  Before we know it, the Holidays will be upon us, and then it'll be 2015.
I still sometimes feel like it's 1998!

OK, back to me.  Yesterday I did a Slim in 6 workout WITHOUT taking any breaks.  I usually have to take a breather during the leg lift/booty sculpting section (who knew lifting your leg was so HARD?!?!?!?!), but I did it all! And I was feeling so proud of myself!

Until I woke up this morning and had to crawl out of bed.

All day I have been SO SORE!  I'm getting ready to do a 25-minute kickboxing HiiT workout, and a little yoga.  Hopefully that'll counteract some of the soreness.  And then I'll take a nice warm bath and hope for the best.

OK, that's what's been going on on the surface. Tomorrow, or later, I'll go more in-depth about recent discoveries made.  It's mostly good stuff.

But now I have to psych myself up to, y'know, move.


Monday, October 13, 2014

Sorry for the Blog Silence

Been a bit hectic around these parts lately.  I myself am getting over either a REALLY, horrendously bad cold or possible flu.  I'm kinda HOPING it was the flu, because if it WAS just a cold, and the flu is worse, well, GEEZ!
The truth is, I was supposed to be on a plane to London today.  But the hotel couldn't confirm my reservations, so my trip was postponed until next month.  It is purely a vacation.  Just me.  Because I haven't had a REAL vacay in about 15 years.  One in which I can actually relax and not be responsible for two smaller folks while everyone else goes off and does their vacation-y things.
And, it's a place I want to go to. While I've enjoyed and appreciated all our family trips, they have consisted of either tagging along with the in-laws (usually so that they don't have to drive), or going places hubby wants to go.  Not that I don't love Yosemite, 'cause I really, really do, but London is my favorite city, and I haven't been in 23 years.  I'm hoping that someday Hubby and I can take a U.K tour, but that can't happen just yet.  He's never been, and I'd love to show him around and see some of the places I haven't been to yet.
I also have a friend who recently moved there.  Haven't seen her in 20 years, so it'll be great to catch up.
I'm gonna take in a show (or 2 or 3),  visit some museums, maybe even catch the train down to Cardiff and see The Doctor Who experience.  :)
And ride the Eye.  That hadn't even been built the last time I was there.  Yes, it's touristy, but I gotta do it!

It's actually a good thing the trip was postponed.  Originally I was scheduled to take the red eye to New York last night, and I was in no shape to travel.  I'm feeling quite a bit better today, but still far from 100%.
Hubby, bless him, has been taking care of everyone and  everything while I languished in bed like some 18th century literary consumptive heroine.

Changing the subject completely, I believe I have reached my goal weight!  (I'll find out for sure at my weigh-in tomorrow.)  Now the real work begins; maintaining that weight loss.  20 pounds since late May, and 36 pounds altogether, from my highest non-pregnancy weight 4 years ago.  Originally I wanted to go lower, but I think this is a weight I can maintain without starvation.
So the next step is to kick up my workouts a notch.  Not today.  When I'm feeling better, and can stand for more than 5 minutes without toppling over.  I've once again been re-discovering some old favorites, workouts that have helped me shape up in the past.  I believe I've mentioned Slim in 6/Slim Series, but also Yoga Booty Ballet, which is REALLY fun and lets me shake my money maker in the privacy of our living room.  Because my dance moves (i.e., flailing about like a hyperactive mongoose) are not for public consumption. Or public safely, for that matter.

OK, gotta go lie sown.
Like I said, not quite 100%.


Monday, September 22, 2014

Monday seems to be my default Blogging Day now.  Makes sense, as that's when I seem to have most of my free time.  I get the kids off to school, do the grocery shopping, a bit of cleaning (let's be honest; as little as I can get away with), and then I chill for a while.  The rest of the week somehow gets taken up with Stuff To Do, although, if you were to ask me on Friday what I'd done for the past 5 days, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
Such is the life of a mom, I suppose.  Even when the kids are in school.

A few days ago I realized that my obsessive worry about my WW weigh-ins was creeping back in.  I'd put on .8 lbs last week. (POINT. EIGHT!)  Mainly because I was bloated out to here (indicates circumference roughly the size of Jupiter) for much of the week.  Apparently, PMS now starts 2 1/2 weeks before Aunt Flow actually shows up.  Yeah.  THANKS, hormones!
I'd also been exercising a little too much.  But, to be fair to myself, part of it was to get rid of the bloating and cramping.  Exercise helps A LOT, and there was a point where it was getting painful. So I'd go for a walk or hop on the bike or yoga mat in the hopes of getting rid of some of that.

So the bloat is a bit better (say that 10 times fast!), and now my face looks (to continue the cosmic theme) like the Belt of Orion.  Just in time to go to the opening of Hubby's show tonight.  Yay!
(And by "Yay" I mean, of course, "*&^%@#$*+%$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Tomorrow night is LG's Back to School Night.  And, from what I hear, they have hired a full-time teacher for his class, who will arrive in 2 weeks' time, once the background check has cleared.  I think being in a regular classroom in the actual school building (as opposed to the trailer where they were situated the past 2 years) has made a huge difference for him.  He's calmer, and, according to his teachers, participating very actively. And he is able to finally show the depth of his intelligence!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

WG is doing well, too.  There are 2 new students in her class, and they're both quite noisy.  Given her sensitivity to sound, it's been a little difficult for her.  But she is finding her way, and the staff know when she needs to either go outside, have her noise cancelling headphones put on, or listen to music.

I'm so stinkin' proud of both of them!!!!!!!!!  They're such smart, amazing, wonderful kids!!!!!!!!!  How'd we get so lucky?

Since my sister-in-law et. al. moved out, the pup has been a bit more clingy than usual.  Which is completely understandable.  He needs reassurance that he's not going anywhere, and I'm more than happy to give it.  When a 75-pound pit bull needs cuddles, well, he doesn't have to ask me twice!

As I mentioned, Hubby's show opens tonight for a 4-week run.  Which means things will be a bit calmer: He performs 4 nights a week, and can come home beforehand (after work).  Plus, he'll have most of the weekend free, other than Saturday night.  We'll actually get to see his face now and then,  lol!

As for me, well, the job search, such as it is, continues on apace.  And the writing, well, that does, as well.  As much as is possible.  I figure if I just vomit all the ideas that are racing around in my head onto paper, something will eventually come of it.

Aaaaaaand...I may just submit myself for a directing gig at a community theater in Marin.  I LOVE community theaters!  Just have to think of a play...

Of course, it wouldn't be a post o'mine if I neglected to mention "Doctor Who" or "Sherlock" or both.
Looks like season 4 of "Sherlock" won't be happening for a while, due to the fact that both leads are ridiculously busy, popular, and important (good for them!).  Although, apparently, we WILL be getting a Christmas special next year, by all accounts.
Peter Capaldi continues to amaze and inspire as The Doctor.  And Jenna Coleman is being just fantastic.  The entire cast is terrific, recurring and guest, and some of the characters have been SO wonderful, I hope we see them again.
This show, and PC in particular, has rekindled my love of acting and my creativity.  It makes me excited to get myself back out there.

Which reminds me of the dream I had the night before last, in which I was pregnant.  And panicking.  Because I don't want another child at this stage of my life.  "However, I don't think the dream was literal.  I think it had more to do with the above-mentioned creativity: I've waded back into those waters, and it's time to take the plunge.  To birth a new project, if you will.

I just need to find the right midwife.  ;)

OK.  I'm  off. Kids are getting out of school soon and I should...bathe, or something.

Talk again soon!

Monday, September 8, 2014

And Away We GO! (Plus, Boob Confessions)

The kids are back in school.  This is their first FULL week.  A few changes this year:  LG is in a new classroom, with a new teacher who has yet to be hired, apparently.  So they have subs.  Luckily, some of the TAs are still there, so there are a couple of familiar faces.  A number of his classmates, however, have moved on to high school, so he has some new friends.

WG has a new bus driver.  Which she seems fine with, it's her dad and I who are having trouble adjusting.  We have to trust these guys to take her safely to and from school every day (3 hours round-trip), and also to take care of her, PERIOD.  She is the first one picked up and the last one dropped off, and she is non-verbal.  I know the company and, especially, the school are VERY careful and thorough about who they hire, but it's still worrying...

And, in a pretty big development, my sister-in-law and her family are moving out!  Which means we get their rooms, lol!  It's actually pretty exciting, because LG will have his own room again, and we'll all have more privacy.  My in-laws will be moving back upstairs (where we currently reside), so there will once again be a spare bedroom, and we won't have to worry about WG waking them up in the middle of the night is she's up and playing, as often happens.  My mother-in-law will still be taking care of our niece, so well see everyone every day.  It'll just be a bit quieter at night.  :)
And the pup is staying here.  Hooray!!!!!!!!

We've just seen episode 3 of "Doctor Who."  So far I am LOVING it!  I know there are many who aren't.  Some don't like the writing, some don't like the acting.  I must say, I take it VERY personally, lol!  Not sure why. Maybe it's because of all the crap I took for being a fan when I was a kid.  It still stings.

As far as my weight loss, I'm down 15.5 pounds.  Another weight-in tomorrow.  I may be hitting my first plateau.   But then, seeing as I'm about 6 pounds away from my goal weight, that's not too surprising.  My "goal weight" being on the higher end of where I'd actually like it, just to give me some wiggle room.  At this point in life, I'm not sure what I can easily maintain.  Don't want it to be too high OR too low.
I'm gonna be honest: The main sticking point with me right now isn't my post-child bearing belly or my droopy butt.  It's my girls. The twins, the boulders, the mammaries, the boobs. The Breasts.  They still feel HUGE!  I know they're in pretty good proportion to the rest of me, but I'd like them to be smaller.  I'm currently a 38D.  I'd like to at least shrink them back to a C, which is where they've been most of my adult life.
I put on a long-sleeved, fitted shirt this morning and my first thought was "Jeez Louise, they're MASSIVE!"
I admit I've been self-conscious about them ever since they made their very sudden, very LOUD appearance when I was 14.  I was flat as a board and then BOOM!  Out they came!  And they weren't subtle about it, either!
I've never been one to go around flashing them. I don't particularly like low-cut tops, and have done my best to keep my breasts contained for the past 31 years.  Partly because of the unwanted attention I got (which, at 14, 15, 16, is REALLY hard to deal with!) and partly because I prefer it when people look me in the eye when we're talking.
But it can be difficult.  When I work out, or go to yoga, I don't want to wear a bulky t-shirt.  I find them uncomfortable and I sweat even more than usual (which is quite a bit).   Plus, try doing an inversion in a loose-fitting top!  But so many of the tops made specifically for working out can show a bit too much if you're, um, well-endowed.  So I end up putting on layers and, yes, sweating A LOT.  (You ever try doing hot yoga in layers?  NOT FUN!)
I've had to explain this to fellow instructors when they complain about certain clients revealing their "assets." Most of them, to their credit, admit that they'd never thought of it that way.  Because they just haven't had the experience.  Lucky ducks.

And, of course, there is the simple fact that they, like everything else on my body, are heading south.

I realize this is a first-world problem, and it's probably not nearly as bad as I imagine it to be.
A few years ago, my mom had breast cancer, and I feel very lucky that she survived, is cancer-free, and that, so far, I appear to be the same.  I also try to remember that they fed both of my kids.

Basically, it's really just another thing for me to obsess over.
Because I don't have enough, right?

I hope this wasn't triggering.  It's just me being silly and avoiding the important stuff I need to focus on.

Speaking of which, I'd better get back to it.
Have a good one!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I Can See The Light...

...At the end of the tunnel!  WG goes back Wednesday, and LG a week from tomorrow!

I am DEFINITELY feeling the effects of summer vacation.  I'm looking forward to hopefully-fingers-crossed-keep-a-good-thought having a solo vacation at the end of October.  Details to follow if it actually comes to pass.

In the meantime, "Doctor Who" premiered, of course, on Saturday, and this girl was NOT disappointed!  In a couple of hours, in fact, I'll be heading out to our local cinema to watch it again, this time on the big screen, with a prequel, surrounded by my fellow freaks-er-fans.

Honestly, if you'd have told me back in 1982 that it would reach this level of popularity, I'm not sure I'd've believed you.  It was such a fringe, cult show at the time, in the U.S. That weird thing shown on PBS on weeknights with the bad special effects.  Those of us who DID watch it were considered TRULY odd.
And now?
Well. Just go on YouTube and check out footage from the world tour.  It's HUGE!!!!!!!

Which makes me very happy.
And I'm just gonna say, Peter Capaldi: Rock star!

On the more mundane side, I'm down 14.5 pounds.  At least, I was last week.  This week is PMS, so who knows?  I'l find out tomorrow.

OK, I'm back from the theater.  And I'm just gonna say it again:  Peter Capaldi is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's one thing to go darker with the character, which has been discussed a lot and is (IMHO) absolutely the right way to go.  But to do that AND make him funny AND make him achingly vulnerable all at the same time is no easy feat.  But he makes it look easy.  I'm so blown away by his performance.
And it's only the first week!

And, in other good-news-for-inspirational-stuff, "Sherlock" won a bunch of Emmys.  Including Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman, and Stepehen Moffat!
So it's been a good night all-around for artistic stuff.

And on that note, I'm off.
Good night!

Sunday, August 17, 2014


Last week was...rough.  All-around.  Not so much in the way I'd figured.  The kids've been great!  But with everything that's been happening around the country and around the world, well.
Just, well.

Had another personally rough, emotional day.  I think it was, in part, a delayed reaction to Robin Williams' suicide.  The world is a much sadder place now.  And with the events in Ferguson...

Sometimes it's all so overwhelming, isn't it?

But here we are, at the start of a new week.  My mom is in town, as is a friend whom I haven't seen in 20 years.  :)

And we are 6 days away from new "Who."

In 2 weeks and 2 days, both kids will be back in school.
Not that I'm counting the days or anything...
I adore them, of course.  But It'll be nice to have those few hours to myself again during the weekdays.
Although it IS hard to believe that LG is going into 8th grade, while WG is going into 6th.
Where are my little toddlers?!?!?!?!

As of my last weigh-in, I'm 13 pounds down.  I'm looking at between 8-13 more, and then we'll take stock.
Working on the meditation, and keeping up the tapping.

I just finished reading a book called "10% Happier" by Dan Harris (who's a correspondent and anchor for ABC news).  It's about his experiences with meditation, after having had a panic attack on air, and I really enjoyed it.  I found it inspiring and very helpful, as well as really funny.  Definitely worth a read if you're interested in meditation.

Finally, trying to find the courage to go into the darkness that is at the root of everything.  The cause of the anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness that crop up now and again.  And to dare to be unexceptional.  To not worry that I'm not "important."  Because I am to the people who matter.
To just be kind, loving, patient, and accepting of my own human-ness and frailty, and of everyone else's.

But I will say this:  Remember that letter I wrote back in March?  I kinda wish I knew for sure that the person I sent it to got it and read it.  Because I think it's important to know when you've inspired someone as much as this person has inspired me.  Just my opinion.

Anyway.  I'll try to go on the assumption that they did.  And hopefully it made them happy, even if only for a few minutes.

OK.  Gotta go to bed.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Heck Week

And so it begins.

Hubby starts rehearsals tonight for his new show, so he won't be home much for the next 10 weeks.  The kids, of course, are still on summer vacation.  I'm pretty much on my own this week.  Next week my mom's here, and staying at a hotel with a nice pool.  Thankfully, we still have access to the other pool, as well. And tonight, I'll be taking them out for a walk and some ice cream.
Well, they'll have ice cream.  I have my WW weigh-in tomorrow.  :)
The weight loss continues on apace.  Granted, a slow pace, but that's OK.  I'd rather lose it slowly and keep it off than shed it quickly only to gain it all back (and more) again.
Hubby took a picture of me while I was working out the other night, and I'm just gonna say it; I think my body looks pretty darn good!

My face, on the other hand...

Isn't that always the way?  We focus on one thing and then, when that starts looking/feeling better, we notice something else that's "wrong."
See, I think I look old.  But many people, when they meet me, think I'm in my 30's.  Which isn't bad for a chick who just turned 45.
Besides, getting older is a GOOD thing!  Beats the hell out of the alternative, right?  And I'm MUCH happier now than I was was 10 years ago.  Let's not even talk about being 20-something.  URGH!

I'm kinda loving my 40's, overall.

It's true that women tend to become invisible, as far as our society is concerned, once we hit 40.  But I think it's also true that we don't care as much.  Would I like to see more 40-something women in films?  Hell yeah!  Especially paired up with men in their 40's.  I won't start ranting (again) about how many 40-50 year-old men are romantically paired up onscreen with women in their 20's.  Like in the new Woody Allen film.  Although, in that case, I think it has less to do with Hollywood norms and almost everything tho do with HIM...

Do I mind not being catcalled on the street?  Not. Even. A. Little. Bit.  Do I miss the days of being groped, followed, called names, and harassed?

See, the nice thing is, once you reach a "certain age," you not only get more confident and less self-conscious, you start focusing on the things that matter.  You start doing things to please yourself, to give yourself that sense of accomplishment, and do them less for other people's approval.

So while we may be invisible in the eyes of society at large, we are very much visible to ourselves, and to the people who really matter.

And I realized something else.  The other day I had a REALLY difficult time.  It was one of THOSE days, in which not only was everything going wrong,  I fell into one of my deep, dark, dank, dreary, dungeon-like doldrums.  I was quite, quite down, to paraphrase Ophelia.  :)
By the following evening, however, I'd rallied.  And by the NEXT day, I was perfectly content.  Because I learned some things.  I won't get into all the details, but it made me recognize that, for one thing, NOTHING is permanent.  Not happiness, not sadness, not anger, hunger, life, etc.  And that going through the bad stuff helps one get to the good stuff.  I felt the sorrow/depression/anger/jealousy/hopelessness/fatigue of those couple of days very deeply, which allowed me to get over it and feel the gratitude/happiness/faith/love that followed. And to feel them all deeply, as well.

I've long thought of myself as a depressed, anxious person.  But I'm not.  Not really.  I am a person who has some depression and anxiety.
And that's COMPLETELY different!

When I talk about my kids, I don't say they're autistic, I say they have autism.  Because "autistic" dismisses them, whereas "they have autism" describes a part of them.  So if I think of myself as "anxious" and "depressed", I'm dismissing MYSELF as someone who just has a bunch of symptoms and isn't worth the time or effort.
Except that I AM worth it.  I'm a whole lot more than a bunch of symptoms that rear they're heads every so often.  I'm also funny, good at puns, passionate, talented, loyal, loving, honest, and (mostly) kind.  Why should ALL THAT be overshadowed by the "negative" stuff?

And, as it turns out, a bit to my surprise, I am perfectly capable of being genuinely happy for someone whose dreams, very similar to mine, have come true, while mine have wasted away.  It's just that I have to wallow for a bit in my jealousy, get it out of my system.  :):):):):):)

Because the "negative" stuff doesn't go away just because we want it to.  Ignoring it only makes it stronger.  If my kid is having a meltdown from sensory over-stimulation, I need to hold him/her and soothe.  Because it's not done for attention.
If I'm feeling badly, it's because something needs to be dealt with. The sooner, the better.

I think I'm finally starting to get it. On more than an intellectual level.

And, hey, it only took 45 years!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Day 1

Of having both kids home for summer vacation at the same time.  So far, so good, knock on wood. I managed to corral both kids to the grocery store AND the coffee bar without any meltdowns.  The it was 2+ hours at the pool, a picnic lunch, and home.
Soon it will be mid-afternoon baths while I squeeze in a workout, then maybe some arts & crafts-y-type stuff before dinner. After dinner, once Daddy's home, a walk to the playground.

Hubby is home in the evenings this week.  Next week he starts rehearsals, so it'll be mostly me taking care of the kids.  My mom is coming in for a week on the 17th, so at least that'll be 1 more pair of eyes, even if it IS exhausting, lol!
Then WG goes back to school on the 27th, and LG on September 2nd.

And, bien sur, "Doctor Who" returns  on August 23rd!!!!!!  Then I'm going to a cinema screening on the 25th.  :)
(Did you know that it was a year ago today that Peter Capaldi was announced as the new Doctor?)

Tomorrow is my weekly WW meeting.  And, given that it is That Time of Month, I'm anticipating a bit of a gain.  Which is fine.  Because it's nothing compared to feeling like you're carrying around the entire Pacific ocean IN YOUR UTERUS!!!!!!
I am bloated beyond belief!  I swear I hear swishing every time I move!  And don't get me started on the cramps!

I enjoy being a girl...

I'm just glad I didn't get it last week.  'Cause having your period on your birthday REALLY sucks!

Alrighty then, I must sign off.  Au revoir, mes amis!  Talk soon.

Monday, July 28, 2014

We Deserve Better

I'm very lucky.  In a lot of ways.  I don't live in an area that is being bombarded by shells and explosions.  My family and I don't live on the streets.  I don't have to cover myself from head-to-toe, or be accompanied by my husband whenever I venture outside.  We're not in a refugee camp, and our water still flows out of our tap (for the time being, anyway).  We have food, clothing, and shelter. My husband is gainfully employed, as I hope to be, sooner or later.  Our kids are physically, emotionally, and psychologically healthy, and we have a great support system in place to help deal with the challenges their autism can bring up.

However (ya knew that was coming, right?)...
For most of my life, I feel as if I've been Making Do.  Getting By.  Not asking for more because I've been so afraid that by doing so, that bare minimum I DO have would be snatched away.  That the Universe would basically say "What are YOU complaining about, you selfish bitch?!?!  Oh, you think you deserve more, do ya?  Well, let's see how you do with LESS!"

Honestly, I think a big part of it is growing up an East Coast Jew.  Truly.  I don't mean to denigrate my people (or anyone else), but fear and guilt are a HUGE part of the culture.  Add to that the Irish-Catholic guilt from my mom's side, and it's a wonder I didn't crumble into a pile of angst-ridden dust by the time I turned 18!
I spent many of my formative years (and beyond) gravitating toward people who treated me like crap, because I didn't know better.  I let them blame me for all their sh*t because I thought I WAS to blame.  I had ZERO self-confidence and esteem.

But I deserve better.  I deserve MORE.  And so does my family.

AND SO DO WE ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was listening to the news on BBC radio, and they were talking about Israel and Palestine.  And I FINALLY sat up and wondered WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH THIS?!?!?!?!  Why do we EXPECT and ALLOW our world leaders to act like 6 year-olds?!?!?!  "They started it!" "Nuh-uh! THEY started it!"  "Did not!" "Did too!"
Except these 6 year-old have weapons, and they're killing people!

What's worse, we not only accept and expect, we seem to WANT them to behave this way.  The more childish the behavior, the higher the approval ratings.

Are we masochistic, or just brainwashed?

One of the ways I've been trying to practice non-attachment is by not commenting on things I see on Facebook.  Well, as much as I can restrain myself, anyway.  And to remember that I have no power over anyone else, (nor should I!
I can disagree without hate.  I can have empathy with those I don't necessarily understand.  And the best part? I don't HAVE to have empathy.  I don't HAVE to love my "enemy."  I can choose to ignore them, and not give them a place in my thoughts or, indeed, my life.

On a more personal level, it's NOT selfish of me to want more than the bare minimum.  It's OK to want to do more than Get By.  It's OK to want MY DREAMS to come true!
I have worked long and hard for them.  It's about time they started paying attention to ME.

Ya here THAT, Universe?  "I will not let thee go but that thou bless me!"

I DESERVE blessings.  I deserve to live outside the Box O' Fear.  I deserve!

And so do you.

Blessed be, all!


Monday, July 21, 2014


Friday night, Hubby and I went to the California Shakespeare Festival for the first time.  It's a BEAUTIFUL outdoor theater in Orinda, in the East Bay. Very woodsy and lovely.  We'd been meaning to go for a while, and finally went to see my friend play both Antipholeses (the Antipholi?) is "The Comedy of Errors."
This is a fella with whom I was in "Hamlet" 20 years ago.  The last time I saw him was 1999, when he did "Metamorphoses" in Berkeley.  He lives with his family in Chicago, so, needless to say, we don't see each other often, lol!

The show was AMAZING!  There were 7 actors in the cast, and they were all brilliant.  3 of them, including my pal, have a strong background in Clown work, and that was abundantly on display in this show.  The Hubs and I were so amazed and inspired by it all.

We almost didn't get to meet up afterwards, as we'd taken the train and there was only one shuttle going from the theater back to the station.  Luckily, he called me and we were able to meet up in Oakland at a cafe, where we bought him dinner and chatted until after midnight, when the staff turned off the lights and kicked us out.  :)

This man is an absolute mensch.  Even more inspirational as a human being than he is as a performer/teacher, and that is really saying something.  I'm so glad we got to spend time with him while he was here (the show closed Sunday).

And it got me thinking: I sometimes get depressed because my life feels so small. I'll see one of my heroes onscreen or (if I'm very lucky) onstage, and get down because it is highly unlikely that I will ever have the chance even to meet them, let alone work with them.

And then I meet up with a friend.  I get to see them do their thing, and to spend time with them, and I am reminded how very lucky I am to have so many good, loving, kind, talented people in my life.  People who inspire me, and who also believe in me. People whom I can go 20 years without seeing face-to-face, but then contact and immediately fall right back into our rhythm with, as if no time has passed at all.
And there are MANY folks who fit that bill!

A couple of weeks ago, when I was preparing to teach that acting class, I messaged another such friend.  I asked him if he had time to give me a quick rundown of a class we both used to teach, but I haven't done in a very long time.  He took the time to give me a full description, despite having worked all day and then having to drive for over 2 hours.

Another friend and mentor once spent over an hour on the phone with me describing his work as a director with patients in a mental healthcare facility.  It was after midnight where he was, and he'd already put in a full day.

Another friend runs a Shakespeare festival AND is raising 2 young twin boys (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but always, ALWAYS has time for my (often trite and silly) questions.

How did I get so lucky?  And how is it that I sometimes forget these things?  (OK, yes, to be fair, regarding the second one, I often forget my own name, so...)

I am so very, truly blessed.  And I need to remind myself of that.  Particularly during that time of the month, when I'm feeling misanthropic and downright homicidal.

And remind myself, as well, that maybe, just maybe, there is a reason why they are still in my life. That maybe they get something from our friendship, as well.  Otherwise, why would they hang around for so long, eh?

Talk about a change in perspective!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Pity, Party of One

Sometimes I see, hear, or read about something wonderful happening for someone, and I get depressed.  I'm glad for them, but the Wonderful Thing that has happened, in these cases, is something I dreamed up for myself.  I thought of it, nourished and nurtured that dream, imagined it, tried to make it a reality.
and it worked!  Just...for someone else...
This has occurred more times than I like to think about.
Usually it's something small, nothing earth-shattering.  Just something I would like to happen.
Over the years I've told myself many things: That this is a Life Lesson, that I shouldn't look for validation outside of myself, that I should learn to be happy with what I have, and not always be wanting more.
All of which are true, and good to learn.
Up to a point.
Because I've also berated myself for being selfish, for not DESERVING these things, for being such a total f*ck-up that OF COURSE I'm NOT going to get what I want!  Why would the Universe reward ME?!?!?!
Of course, seeing some of the folks the Universe DOES reward makes me rethink that last bit...  I mean, REALLY?!?!?!?!

So it has me wondering: WHY does this happen over and over and over?

Because I BELIEVE I'm unworthy. I always have.
I know I've been over this before, but this is becoming much clearer in so many ways.

I was taught I was unworthy by people who believed THEY were unworthy.  It wasn't malicious, it was their way of trying to protect me.  When they told me I'd never make it as an actress, I believed them.  And I think a part of me was afraid to prove them wrong.  So when I DID make it, it was only for a short while.
Because I sabotaged myself, in many ways.  I made choices that pretty much guaranteed failure.

So many of the choices I have made in my life have been based in fear.  And that makes me really, really sad.  Of course, at the time, I didn't know any better.  I had NO IDEA I was living in constant terror, I just thought it was Life.  The way Things Were.

I'm still afraid.  SO much of the time. Of big things and small.  Stuff that often wakes me up in the middle of the night.
When I remember to, I tap on them, and they're not so big and scary anymore.

An issue for me is coming to terms with my fear and anxiety.  I first tried to ignore them, pretend that I wasn't fearful and anxious.  And depressed.
Guess how well THAT worked?  :)

Then I tried to get rid of all of it.  To become someone who had NO fear/anxiety/depression.  I thought if I faced it all head-on, it would eventually just Go Away.

The fact is, this is a part of how and who I am. There's no shame in it.  And there ARE ways of dealing with it, so that these emotions don't overwhelm me and take over my entire existence.

Maybe if I think of them as well-meaning friends: Y'know, they come along and say "But what about...?" or "Be careful of..."  and instead of ignoring them or shutting them down, I can put my arm around them and say "Thank you for pointing that out.  I know how much you care, and it's all going to be OK.  Better than OK.  You've made me aware, and now I can deal with it. Thank you!"

Because the fear/anxiety/depression has been trying to tell me something all these years.  And I think, maybe, FINALLY, I'm getting the message.

Go forward.  Take the risks.  Just know that there are dangers.  Be aware, but also be bold.  Make mistakes.  Fall down.  Pick yourself up.  Shit happens, but your track record for surviving it so far is 100%.


Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Just Shy

of 10 pounds down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I've hit the 5% mark: I've lost 5% of my body fat.

Last week was CRAZY!  Very active, and exhausting.  :)  I'm taking it a little easier this week, especially as Aunt Flow is here and sleep is a rare thing.
I've pulled out my Slim Series workouts again. I hadn't done them in at least a year (longer, probably), and I'm so glad I re-discovered them!  The workouts are fairly intense, even without a lot of impact.  And these are the ones that got me back into crazy-good shape after WG was born.  Of course, that was 10 years ago, and I did them 6 days a week.  This time around, I'm aiming for 2-3 days, plus my yoga, bike intervals, and walking.

At our WW meeting last week, our fearless leader made a suggestion.  But let me back up to my first meeting, different leader, who suggested leaving the Flex points be, as much as possible (we get 49 extra points per week to use as we will).  So I tried that, and it worked.  I've used a couple here and there, but not many.
Last week the leader mentioned that she usually leaves her ACTIVITY points alone, as well.

And off went the light bulb!
Because one of my big concerns about WW is that I will get back in the mindset of using exercise as a way to eat more.  Which, in and of itself, isn't necessarily a bad thing.  But in the past, it has become a form of exercise bulimia with me.  I would work out beyond the point of exhaustion and even to injury just so I could eat more.  Or binge.

In Intuitive Eating, it is recommended that exercise be separate from diet.  That working out is something we do because we enjoy it and it keeps us strong and healthy.  And I COMPLETELY agree with that way of thinking!  And now, keeping activity and food points separate, I can continue with that.  It's a much healthier mindset.  Yes, I will use a couple of activity points here and there, and that's OK.
Everything is OK!
There's no such thing as perfection.

The result?  I have FAR less guilt, I'm listening to my body before deciding which workout to do (or maybe not working out at all!)
Oh, and I lost nearly 2 pounds.  Which is a nice side effect.

All in all, this has been a week of some pretty big revelations.  Life-changing stuff.  I'm still processing it, so it's hard to put into words.  Perhaps in a future post.
In the meantime, gonna go take the kiddoes the park.

Hasta la vista, babies!

Monday, July 7, 2014

I Feel Like a Growed-Up!

Saturday morning I was a sex-obsessed toddler with Tourette's.  And a ballerina.  And a member of a hip-hop dance crew.  As well as a panicking airline pilot and a sad, homicidal, ultimately suicidal cruise ship clown.

Because I went to my first improv workout.  My friend, with whom I took a class last year (and for whom I subbed thus past week, more on that later) has a group who gets together every Saturday morning to improvise, and I was able to join them today.
MAN, was it fun!  The group consists of of folks who have a lot of experience and A LOT of talent, so it forces one to up one's game quite a bit. It's very physical, often confusing , and always, always entertaining and enjoyable.  And I will go whenever I can.  Which, I hope, will be every Saturday.  :)

Let me tell you about Wednesday, when I subbed her Acting 1 class.  I was
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nervous!  As I may have mentioned, I hadn't taught a class like that in about 15 years.  And y'know what?  It was just like riding a bike.  It all came back to me, like I'd never left it.  The students were FANTASTIC, and we all had a great night.
I'd like to do THAT.  Work with adults, whether they're professionals, thinking about becoming professionals, or just doing it for fun.

I wonder of it might be something I can set up around here, outside of the city, where there is a dearth of acting classes for adults.  There may be folks who don't wish to, or can't, travel into the city, but are still interested in learning.  I may propose a class to our local rec center and see what happens...
And perhaps I could coach.  I mean, why the heck not?  I've met with PLENTY of coaches who are, quite honestly, horrible.  I have a lot of experience and, if I may be so bold as to say, quite a lot to offer.

In the meantime, I will keep writing (when I have time.  Difficult during summer vacation...) and finding my way out of the self-created Box O' Fear I live in.

It's work, but definitely worth it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Definitely Hormones. Oh, and Stupid People.

My suicidal, full-of-despair, no-hope-for-humanity thoughts definitely come out to play when I have PMS. In fact, I'm thinking of writing a modern day fairy tale: "Blood Red and the 7 Premenstrual Dwarves;  Crampy, Pimply, Bitchy, Weepy, Angsty, Needy, and Homicidal."

Yesterday was a weird day. Nor only was it Monday, but the national news was full of stuff that made many of us want to bash our, or, actually, others', heads against a brick wall. (It also illuminated the fact that a lot of people on Facebook are, quite frankly, stupid.  And act like spoiled, petulant 9 year-olds well into their 50's. And have no compunction referring to a woman as a c*nt simply because she disagrees with them.
Ah, social media!  Bringing the world together!)

However, I also got an offer to sub an acting class on Wednesday night.  As in, THIS Wednesday.  As in, TOMORROW!!!!!!!  But my friend who teaches it gave me the lesson plan, so it's all mapped out.  And it's for grown-ups!  At an actual, professional theater!  So no babysitting!!!!!!!!
I'm very excited and EXTREMELY nervous!  I haven't taught a class like this in nearly 15 years!  And that was BC (Before Children), back when my brain actually functioned.

But between my notes and my gift of bluffing, I think I MAY just get through it.
Please G-d!

Had mt WW meeting this morning.  Up .8 of a pound, thanks to the aforementioned PMS.  Hopefully down again next week.  Seriously, one more pound and I'll have reached my first milestone of losing 5% body fat.  I get a charm for my keychain!
2 more pounds and I'll be at the -10 pounds mark.  Nearly halfway to my goal.

The nice thing is that I can feel it.  My nice-n-snug pants are a lot looser.  And the other day I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the yoga studio as I walked in and didn't realize it was me (the mirrors were mostly covered...long story).  Had a fleeting thought of "I kinda wanna look like HER."  Except "HER" was ME!
:) :) :) :) :)

So I'm definitely getting there.

One of the great things about the meetings, is that they are COMPLETELY non-judgmental.  It's the exact opposite of what I was expecting.  During my weight-in, before I even mentioned the PMS, they were so blase about the gain.  Because they gain a bit of weight too, here and there.  And then they lose it again.  Our leader made it a point to mention that, which I thought was cool.  I can also go to as many meetings as I like (Only one weigh-in per week, however).  It's a very safe, welcoming, warm environment, and everyone is not only friendly and lovely, they're FUNNY!  I really look forward to the meetings.
Which, again, is not at all what I expected when I joined.

And now...Confession Time:  I brought the kids to the pool today, and turned into That Mom.  Judgey McJudgerson.  The one who sits in silent-yet-smug superiority and thinks "I'm SO glad MY kids aren't like THAT!"
Yes, folks; I became what I most fear.

But honestly, those kids were OBNOXIOUS!  And spoiled!  And the adults responsible for them did NOTHING!

So, yes, dammit, I AM glad my kids aren't like that! In this case, it has nothing to do with autism or any kind of special needs, it's just, IMHO, no consequences for bad behavior.
And that's just wrong.

So I will sit here and be not-so-quietly judgmental.  Of those parents, and of stupid people who spout what they hear on TV as their own opinions and don't bother to do any research, then act like spoiled children when anyone questions them.

So there.


Friday, June 27, 2014

(Not So) Sweet Dreams, Small Worlds, and Can't We All Just Get Along?!?!?!

I had a dream the other night that I was completely broke.  Not my family, just me.  Hubby still had money, as did my in-laws, but no one would help me out.  The water was turned off, but only for me.  I couldn't bathe or wash clothes or dishes or even drink (I couldn't afford to buy bottled water).  I woke up dehydrated and thoroughly bummed out.  :)
I had to keep reminding myself that, despite what was said in the dream, being a stay-at-home mom does NOT make me a moocher!
I guess that's what happens when I go on Facebook right before bed.  I'd been reading about all these poor folks in Detroit who've had their water turned off.  Last summer it was the electricity, right in the middle of the worst heatwave in the city's history (and it stranded a pregnant woman in an elevator).  Now it's the water.  Detroit has become a third-world country.  It's horrifying.

We are a nearly 2 weeks into Phase 1 of Summer Vacation.  LG started summer school on Monday, and WG is off until July 7th.  So far, not horrible.  I mean, other than colds, runny noses, meltdowns, and complete exhaustion (for all of us).  On Tuesday the kids were so tired they didn't even want to go swimming!  That was a first, seeing as these are 2 kids who would swim in the arctic at 3 AM if given the chance.
We'll try to get to the pool today, even though the weather isn't great. Maybe we'll have it to ourselves, mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another 1/2 pound gone this week.  I was kind of surprised that I lost anything, to tell you the truth. Last week was rough, and I certainly didn't work out like I usually do.  I DID, however, take a really nice, 90-minute, heated power yoga class on Sunday. Hopefully I can get there on a semi-regular basis. yet another case of small degrees of separation (which seems to happen a lot), my mom's colleague had lunch with Benedict Cumberbatch the other day.  Why, you may ask, was this man afforded this privilege?  Because he wrote the book "Black Mass" about Whitey Bulger, which is being made into a film, and is currently shooting in Boston.  BC is playing his brother Billy. Who, in reality, is short and bald.  But, hey, it's Hollywood!
By all accounts, he (Benedict) is a really nice guy, and is pretty close to perfecting his Southie accent.  He's also been reading the Boston Globe quite often, which is the paper my dad wrote for.

Small, small world.

OK.  I started this post 2 days ago.  This morning I clicked on one f my most favoritist blogs in the whole wide world, "The Great Fitness Experiment."  Charlotte is an amazing person and a TERRIFIC writer.  She is also thoughtful, sensitive, empathetic, and thoroughly researches the topics she writes about.  Today she wrote about a weight loss system that is apparently very popular.
And, boy howdy, did the trolls come out!

She made it very clear that the opinion stated in her blog was just that: HER OPINION!  And that she read the research that was available to her, as well as talking to a friend who sells the product.  But did any of that stop the personal attacks?  Of COURSE not!  Because we now live in an age in which it's not enough to disagree with someone, we have to belittle them, as well.  One poster said "I hope you understand that the only thing at stake here is your reputation and credibility.  And OH BOY did you ever put those on the line today...Better luck next time!"  While others accused her of misusing her friendship with the woman who sells the product, and of being classless.


This is just MY opinion, but it seems to me there may be some astroturfing going on.  Which is when a person, a corporation, a political group, etc. sends its supporters to a blog or post to troll the comments.  I'm not saying the company necessarily did this, but they do have a number of independent contractors, and who knows what one individual can get up to?

This is the sort of thing that we're used to on Facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc.  Charlotte's blog will get the occasional troll, but they are usually taken care of (gently).  I've been following her blog since almost the beginning, and I have NEVER seen anything like what happened today on it.
Charlotte and I have never met in person, but we have been corresponding for some time, and I consider her a friend.  And if someone goes after my friends, I am not going to sit by silently.  The folks saying nasty things to and about her, by their own admission, don't know her at all.  Yet they feel free to slam her.
Again, it's nothing new.  People will say things online they'd never dream of saying face-to-face.  It's cowardly and mean.  They, themselves, are exhibiting the very behavior they accuse her of.

Here's another of my opinions:  If the company has ANYTHING to do with this, they should be ashamed.  This isn't marketing, this is bullying.  If they're NOT behind it but get wind of it, they MUST denounce this behavior immediately.   And if it IS just a bunch of random individuals, then what a sad, sorry state we are now in.  And those individuals should be ashamed.
But I won't hold my breath waiting for them to know better.

In the meantime, I'm going to go watch some re-runs of "Doctor Who," and dream of a madman in a blue box who repeatedly saves the universe.

Even when we don't necessarily deserve it.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Welcome to the Sick House

WG, then, LG, and now, apparently Hubby and I have all gotten sick this week. Nothing too terrible so far (knock on wood), but enough to make us a bit unhappy.
And ruin all our best-laid plans for the week.  Poor LG had only been in the pool for a half hour on Monday when I got the call to go to San Jose and pick up WG.
She stayed home yesterday, and went back to school today.  But LG woke up all sneezy & snuffly, so no pool.  And now he has a fever.

Gah, I HATE it when they're sick!  Poor little bunnies!
Their eyes get all droopy and sad, and their noses run, and they can't breathe well, and their little faces get all red.


Luckily, however, they seem to bounce back pretty quickly.

It's beginning to feel a lot like Summer around here.  Not that we had much of a Winter.  The other day, as LG and I were driving to San Jose, we went past the hills surrounding Stanford.  Normally they are lush, verdant, and green.  Right now they're brown and dry, and probably a pretty big fire hazard.
You'd think, by now, someone could've come up with a way to take the water from places that are flooding and bring it to drought-stricken areas!
But then, we still don't have flying cars, jet packs, or transporters...

This drought is quite worrisome.

But there's not a whole lot I can do at the moment, other than conserve water.  Which we're doing.  So, there is no point in obsessing.

In GOOD news, I've thus far lost 8 pounds since starting WW 4 weeks ago.  And, yes, I am MUCH more mindful of what, and, especially, WHY, I eat.  And I'm working out smarter.  I feel MUCH less obsessive about it all, which is nice. And not what I was expecting.
Because the last few times I tried WW, I DID become obsessed.
I think the meetings make a big difference.  And, perhaps, being a bit older and wiser.  Maybe.

In OTHER other news, it's official: Peter Capaldi is the Biggest Mensch In The World.  He's spearheading the campaign to rebuild the Glasgow School of Art, of which he is an alumni.  Much of it was destroyed in a fire last month, and many of the students lost the artwork they'd created for their show that would determine whether they got their degree.  PC made a video for them.  The best part is when he says "You are artists, and this will only add to your story.  You will be reborn, and rise from the ashes even stronger."
How cool is that?!?!?!
He also says "I wish I could turn back time but, unfortunately, I'm not Cher."  Before doing a little bit with the TARDIS.  :)

OK.  Gotta try and maybe get to bed early.  Gonna need my energy over the next few days.


Friday, June 13, 2014

Roller Coaster

Well.  It turns out PART of the reason for my recent emotional psychosis was hormones.  My period came 5 days early. And it came in with a wallop.
Then lasted 3 days, and was gone.

Yesterday was a really good day. Helped along by the fact that I actually saw my therapist.  It was a terrific session, and I got a LOT out of it.
Today, however, is another day of sadness and worry.  I'm using the tools I have, and I think they're helping.  I need to remember that all of this doesn't mean I WON'T ever feel anxious and depressed, but it does mean I can move out of it sooner.

I'm trying to stay away from the 24-hour news cycle, but living with folks who have either CNN or (G-d help me) Fox on all day isn't helpful.  I have to bring my phone and ear pods downstairs when I make dinner, because the TV is right there, and if I have to listen to that crap, I will surely commit a criminal act.

I'm still going to get back on the meds.  I think I need them.  However, my GP has retired, so I need to find a new one.  Too bad I don't live in an area where there are literally thousands of health care professionals, as well as hundreds of hospitals.

Oh wait...    :)

One of the epiphanies I had (or, actually, was given to me) yesterday is that not only are my imaginary conversations with people who exist but whom I've never met not only NOT a sign that I've gone off the deep end and started swimming for Hawaii, they are actually HEALTHY!

Who knew?

I mean, besides my therapist, who could've told me that YEARS ago if only I'd let her in on the fact that I have those conversations.
All the time.
With many different people.
A number of whom just happen to be handsome, successful, talented men.

Coincidence, of course...

In good news, I lost another pound last week.  But probably gained it back with all the monthly cycle stuff going on.  Which is fine.  I'm trying to focus on how I feel.  And, physically at least, I feel pretty darn good. I'm trying to work it out so that maybe this summer my in-laws can watch the kids once a week, letting me get to yoga class.  It will save my sanity and, well, save my sanity.

So.  We'll see how it all goes.

As of right now, LG is on vacation.  He'll start summer school in a little over a week, but he is, I guess, officially an 8th grader.  He'll be 13 in a month and a day.

It seems like yesterday I'd just dropped him off for his first day of 6th grade!  How did this happen?!?!?!
OK, if I'm being truthful, It kinda feels like he just started preschool last week.

WG has one more week, then she starts summer school in July.
And she's going to turn 11 in November!

I'm not sure I can handle this.

Maybe I should get a prescription for Valium...

Monday, June 9, 2014

Life, Don't Talk to Me About Life

Things have been a bit rough around here lately.  As you know, the living situation is far from ideal, and there's not much to be done about it for the foreseeable future.  We're also coming up to summer vacation, Hubby has been cast in 2 shows (along with his regular, full-time job), and I'm starting to feel the overwhelm coming on.
I think the only way I'm gong to get anything done is to plan it, write it on our calendar, and do it.  For far too long, I've made tentative plans and then crossed my fingers, hoping that the stars will align, the angels will sing, and what I hope for will come to pass.  And what's ended up happening is that I've had to change my plans, putting them on the back burner until some vague point in the future.  
Because I'm Mom, and everyone else comes first.

Which is bull pucky.  Just because I'm a mother, and just because my kids are on the spectrum, doesn't mean I have to continuously come last and sacrifice everything (jobs, friends, etc).  I think I've become my own self-fulfilling prophecy, however, by believing just that.  Believing that by allowing Hubby to do his thing,  and not let myself do mine, I'm making my family happy, even if I'm miserable.  I've believed that asking for what I want, and pursuing it, makes me selfish.

But it doesn't. 

OF COURSE my kids are my priority, but that doesn't mean I have to give up everything else, forever.

So it's time to figure out what I want, and go for it. 

It's also been difficult watching the Bowe Bergdahl story explode.  No one really knows what happened, and seeing him and his family attacked in the national media is incredibly upsetting and disheartening.  Partly for selfish reasons: If a country can turn on a POW like this, with no concrete evidence, what will happen to people like my kids when they're grown and need support?  What happens to the most vulnerable members of our culture?

If he's a deserter, let him be tried.  Here.  At home.  If he had some kind of mental break, give him the help he needs.  

I worry that we're too far gone.  We have become the Romans in the Coliseum, cheering as people are thrown to the lions.  I don't have much hope for the future, which makes the present a very hard place to be.  

And I think I may need my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds again.  Because I've been feeling levels of anxiety and despair that I haven't felt in a very long time.  The tapping helps, but I think I need a bit of EXTRA help.

The last thing my kids need is a mom who is unable to cope.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Weight, Weight, DO Tell Me

I lost 5 pounds.
Naturally, a good bit of that was water weight, as happens anytime one starts a new eating plan.
And I know I'm not supposed to focus on the pounds so much, but they gave me a sticker for it!
AAAAAAND, it was also election day, so I voted, and got ANOTHER sticker!

Seriously, I'm a grown woman, I'll be 45 next month, and I still get excited over the prospect of being given a sticker!  Not buying one, but getting one for something I did.
And let me tell ya: I wore that "I Voted" sticker ALL FREAKIN' DAY!  And I wore it proudly.
OK, a big part of that is the fact that I'm glad to live in a place where, for now at least, I can be part of the process.  I love voting. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to turn 18 so I could vote.  We held mock elections in school, and I was the first in line. I always went into the voting booth with my parents (as long as I promised not to comment, loudly, on whom they were voting for. Again).

And, of course, there's the whole "Gold Star for Achievement" thing. I don't think we ever outgrow that.

On Wednesday I sat in on my friend's improv class.  Although there wasn't a whole lot of sitting going on, to be honest.  Between 3 1/2 hours of improv, a heated vinyasa class earlier in the day, and the fact that I didn't get home until after 11 (shush, I'm old!), I woke up yesterday morning feeling hungover.  And went through the entire day that way.
But in the evening Hubby and I had a date.  We went out for sushi, then over to the mall to buy clothes for the kids, who insist on growing at frankly alarming rates.

On the workout front: I got a Groupon for a local Bikram studio, but am instead taking  their regular, non-heated, non-Bikram classes.  I prefer them.  I actually like doing hatha/vinyasa in heated rooms, but we still manage to generate heat without cranking up the thermostat.  It's nice to mix that in with the strength/interval stuff.

As for food, I've been paying a lot more attention to my hunger cues.  Last night I ate enough to satisfy, but didn't overdo it, and that made me very happy.  (Also made for a smaller bill, which is always nice.)  And not a whole lot of sugar, except in fruit.  And I don't miss it, which is pretty great.  Of course, having recipes for things like chocolate smoothies (that get their sweetness from bananas or dates) helps a lot. I FEEL a whole lot better, the weight, maybe, is starting to come off, and I'm definitely stronger.
All good.

Now I just need to get a well-paying job I love in my field, and decent child care...


Monday, June 2, 2014

June is Busting Out...

Can't believe the school year is almost over!
Both kids will be in summer school, and we're back to the 2-week overlap, THANK GOODNESS!  Last summer there was NO overlap, and by September I was ready for a padded room.  Plus, we may have some extra help this year: WG's teacher mentioned that many of the school staff are looking for summer employment.  So maybe we can add one or two folks to our respite care, and they can be an extra pair of hands.  And since WG already knows (and loves!) them, it'll be fun! They are all such good folks, too. It takes a special kind of person to work with people with special needs, IMHO.  And they ADORE her!  (Then again, what's not to love, she asked, with NO bias whatsoever!)

We're also getting a (new) mini-trampoline.  :)  We had one, but it got thrashed.  The kids have been bouncing on our exercise ball (and we've had to replace it.  Twice.), and this way they can bounce to their heart's content.  Plus, its good for the lymphatic system.
And, let's be honest, it's just plain fun!
AND...Hubby has promised to be more hands-on with the kiddoes when he's home.  Of course, he's starting rehearsals on a new show come August, just when both kids are home all day.  But he may take a little bit of time off of work in order to help out.  He actually has a specific number of hours each year that he HAS to take off, so that helps.

In other exciting news, at least for me, I got a new pair of glasses for the first time in over 4 years.  It turns out I have a mild astigmatism, because I'm getting old.  But they're purple, they have Transitions lenses, and they sexAY (according to Hubby). Gotta love the Costco opthalmology department!
And I'm going for a hearing test in a couple of weeks.
'Cause as much as I love & miss my dad, I don't want to emulate his auditory behavior.  ("Huh?  What?  Turn up the TV, I can't hear it!"  While the rest of us scramble for the other room before our ears start to bleed.)


Food & exercise wise, I think I'm doing pretty well.  Feeling good, other than my monthly insomnia (thanks a LOT, girly hormones!).  Last night I did "Squeeze," which is similar to barre workouts, only with even more pain.  I haven't done it in a few years, and, yup, it's still as (horrible) challenging as I remembered. Today is slow-flow-yoga.  I think I'm going to cut down to 5 days a week of workouts, rather than 6. I overdid it a bit last week.
I've been reading a book called "Losing Weight is a Healing Journey" by an Aussie lass named Katrina Love Senn.  She recommends, and I wholeheartedly agree, eating a diet of 80% real foods, 20% lightly processed foods (whole grain bread/pasta, jarred/canned veggies & beans, olive & coconut oils, etc.),  and avoiding heavily processed food as much as possible.
It's not about being perfect, it's just trying to feel better, and feed my family healthier stuff.
Having that ovarian cyst last month taught me that it's an experience I'd prefer to avoid as much as possible.  It HURT, man!  And we all know what a complete an total wuss I am. So keeping it real (food), cutting down on sugar, and even cutting down on supplements will hopefully help.  (I read that overdoing it on probiotics in pill form can contribute to the formation of cycts.)

One nice thing about Weight Watchers these days is the emphasis on whole foods.  Most fruits & veggies are zero points, whereas they used to have quite a bit.  They realized that clients were choosing 100 calorie snack packs over, say, a banana, because the packs had fewer points. Which was one of the reasons I'd given up before.  Cal me whacky, but I think encouraging people to eat more veggies & fruit is a GOOD thing, lol!
Plus, it lets me use one of my 4 dozen cookbooks.

AND I can still have my gigantic soy cappuccino in the morning.

OK, enough about THAT.
As predicted, our (in the collective sense) scary, mean pit bull has become my shadow.  He hangs out with me during the day, and plays with the kids at night (which is pretty damn cute).

And now, I must go nap.
While I can.
Before school is out.

Au revoir, mes amis!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

I've Gone to The Dark Side

Once again.
I've re-joined Weight Watchers.
Except I'm going to meetings this time, rather than doing it all on my own.
There's a part of me that feels guilty: Like I SHOULD be doing only Intuitive Eating, that I didn't try "hard enough," etc. etc.

I know diets are bad, that they don't work.  But this time, I'm not treating it as a diet.  I'm using it as a tool to help me think and, more importantly, FEEL, before I eat.  I'm hoping it will help with IE, forcing me to ask if I'm truly hungry.

Yesterday was a rough day.  It seems to be the case all around.  Like it was International Day of Suckage, or something.  EVERYONE I spoke to was just not having it.  And there were a few times when I just wanted to shovel food down my gullet, but I stopped.  Because at first I didn't want to use up my points, and then I realized I was actually quite sad.  So I tapped, instead.

Then I felt MUCH better.

I'm keeping my focus on good, clean, real food.  I will avoid as much as possible the frozen and packaged stuff, and continue cutting down on my sugar intake.  The thing that bugs me a little bit is the continued emphasis on low fat food in the program.  I'm allowed 3 servings of "healthy fats" a day, but the points add up very quickly. biggie.  I'll still use my coconut and olive oil.
And avocado.  There's NO WAY I'm giving up my avocados, baby!

Oh, and a nice little surprise: Last night I did a Turbo Jam workout I hadn't done in a couple of years. It used to be REALLY hard, but last night, not so much!  It was still a good workout, but I wasn't left gasping for air during the intervals.

So, I told myself that, unless I'm really having horrible issues, I'm going to stay on WW through the end of the year, and see what happens.
Hopefully the online tools won't continue to flub up.  Yesterday I was on the phone with tech support for 2 hours, and some of the issues are STILL not resolved.  Which only means, really, I'd have to buy a Points calculator and write everything down.  But still.  I'm paying for the full service, it'd be nice if I could access all of it.

Anyway, in MUCH more important news, the 15-second teaser-trailer for the new season of "Doctor Who" was released the other day.  Peter Capaldi in silhouette.    Pretty darn cool!  He's already my favorite Doctor, and we've only seen about 45 seconds of him.  Plus eyebrows.
There's also a fan-made trailer for the new season which is kind of beautiful.  Since I'm still not able import stuff off of Youtube, you'll have to go over there & check it out, if you're interested.

Also, Benedict Cumberbatch will be playing Billy Bulger, brother to Whitey, in a film based on a book written by a colleague of my mom's.  Small world.  It's being filmed in Boston, so I'm hoping to see some friends in it.
Oh, and Johnny Depp is in it, too.  :)

Alrighty, I think that's about it for now.

Have a good one!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

More Reminders, and Other Stuff

(Note to self: Work on blog titles.)

Saturday was Ride A Wave.  It was our 5th time, and WG is now an old pro.  By the time we got to downtown Santa Cruz (and drove around looking for parking), she had a BIG smile on her face and was literally bouncing in her seat.  She knew exactly where we were and why we we there (wow, that is a difficult sentence to say!  Glad I'm writing it, instead).  She practically ran to the registration table, and couldn't contain herself.  It was so cute!
She had a AMAZING buddy this year.  They're always great, but this year's was particularly good.  The two of them got on like gangbusters.

But the best part was that, finally, LG took part as well.  A couple of years ago we'd tried to get him  involved, but he wouldn't put on the wetsuit.  I guess after 4 years of watching his sister have all the fun, he finally said "The heck with it" and wanted in, lol!  He did it all:  boogie boarding, surfing, and kayaking.  And he did great!  They both had such an amazing time, and the RAW folks told me that next year I should just go ahead and sign both of them up, even though it's technically for her school.  And these are all volunteers!  They don't get paid for ANY of it!

It's such an amazing day, and it really is like Christmas for the kids.  There was one boy being carried into the water for his surfing session: He was older, probably about 16, and unable to walk or speak.  But the smile on his face as they carried him to his surfboard spoke volumes.

There are such good people in the world.

We've decided we're going to get wetsuits for all of us.  We've been thinking about it for a long time, and after Saturday, we're going to go for it.  That way we we can all swim in the ocean together, or in Tanaya Lake in Yosemite (which is freezing) or Tahoe (also frigid).  The ocean is SO good for their systems!  It's great having access to a pool (for the time being, anyway), but there's nothing quite like being in the ocean.  Especially to calm their little proprioceptive systems.
(And, having grown up on the ocean myself, I must say I miss it terribly.)

On Sunday Hubby and I went to see a show called "The Suit."  It was only 75 minutes, and it was amazing!  It's touring, so if You get a chance, definitely see it.  It's incredibly moving, and there's beautiful music in it. It's set in a South African township in the 1950's, but is also a very personal story.
Bring tissues.
I didn't, and I regretted it.  :)

I'm also back on board with tapping and EFT, which I'd let slide a bit over the past few weeks.  It really is helpful, and I really need to remember to do it.  Especially when I'm feeling anxious, or I'm awake at 4 AM.  It works!  I'm already feeling the difference, and it's only been a couple of days.

Finally, I had a reminder this morning that the scenarios I have in my head regarding certain situations are often *cough* USUALLY*cough* FAR from reality.  I need to remember what an active imagination I have. It can be a great thing, but sometimes it takes me on flights of fancy that get me all twisted in knots and feeling badly and it could ALL be avoided if I just SPEAK UP!
Which I did this AM.  Told Hubby I was feeling anxious about the fact that I'm not currently making any money.  And found out that I'd gotten his reaction all wrong in my head.
Which was a huge relief.

He reacted with kindness and concern, not judgment.
Sometimes reality is SO MUCH BETTER than fiction.


Although I still want to hitch a ride in the TARDIS.

Preferably with the current incarnation of The Doctor.

And help John and Sherlock solve a case.

But, hey, that's what fanfic is for, right?  I mean, aside from creating pornographic versions of your favorite stories...
Which I'll leave to others.
It's one thing to create characters out of thin air and write erotica about them. It's another thing entirely to have actor's faces in my head while I do so.

And I'm not judging AT ALL.
It's just not something I can do.

Anyway...speaking of stories, I have a bit more of the one I've been working on, and will continue to write it.  I'm also applying for the teaching pool at Berkeley. It's one of those things where, if they need a teacher for any reason, they have a bunch of resumes on file they can look through.
Because you never know.
And, hey!  Berkeley!
If I end up there, I can hang out in trees & smoke pot for my "glaucoma"!
And, y'know, teach a class now and then.
For students who actually WANT to be there, whom I don't have to babysit.
What a concept!

OK, gotta get LG to school and grab me some java.
Have a good one!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Ooooooh, Right!

I've been reminded of a couple of things this morning. One is that there's more to my yoga practice than how deeply I get into a pose or what my butt looks like.  Personally, I don't see anything wrong with doing yoga purely for the physical benefits.  As Tony the Tiger would say, "They're GREAT!"  But everyone has different reasons for practicing, and mine include...well... I suppose Keeping My Sanity would be at the top of the list.  But I also like to reach for things like calmness, equanimity, compassion, empathy, and moving beyond the everyday jibber-jabber. Yoga does that for me.  (As does watching "Cosmos" with Neil DeGrasse Tyson.  Have you seen it? It's FAB!  I watched the original back in the day, and love this one just as much!)
I went to a fantastic ashtanga class yesterday in Silicon Valley.  Mountain View, which is a lovely city.   It was mellow, and non-competitive, and REALLY challenging. But not to the point where I felt frustrated.  In fact, I felt REALLY happy and good! I went for a walk afterwards in the park nearby.  The public library is right there, and they have sculptures of Toad of Toad Hall and Badger, as well as actual pieces of the Berlin Wall.  It's pretty amazing.

The second one just occurred to me before I started writing: I just finished a new workout from my online group, and it was tough.  But it was also fun, and I'm definitely getting stronger.  I've been putting so much emphasis on weight loss (again!) that I forget how great that feeling of accomplishment is when I finish lifting heavier, or can do more push ups, or whatever.

I was also recently looking at photos of myself from my grad school days, when I was 25 and anorexic, working out 14 hours a week.  Yes, I was young and aesthetically pleasing.  In pictures.  The panic attacks, brain fog, sleeplessness, and shivers were less attractive and fun.
Plus, I was weak.  I was toned from using the Nautilus machines (remember those? This WAS the mid-90's, lol!), but I wasn't strong.  Add to that the fact that I wasn't eating much (subsisting on bagels, vegetable sticks, and coffee) and, well, you get the idea.
There's more to life than looking good in jeans.  This place where we live is a speck on a speck on a speck in a vast universe.  And we may only have one go-around on this speck, so maybe it's time for me to focus on the Big Stuff.  As someone said recently, "Don't sweat the petty stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff."  :)

Sounds like good advice!

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Well, That Was a Bust. (And not the good kind!)

I should've known.
OK, actually, I DID know.  I just didn't listen. To the little voice in my head saying "Don't do it!" when I bought the FitBit on Sunday.
And ended up returning it on Monday.
Heck, even my computer knew I'd have trouble!  It refused to recognize the file when I tried to set it up for synching!  Like it was saying "Look, kid, I know you.  You've been pounding on my keys for a while now, and let me just save you the heartache and tsuris."
But I didn't listen to THAT, either.  Instead, I set it up on Hubby's computer.
Which led to all sorts of issues.

Until, finally, I gave in to the Inevitable and Got My Money Back.

I probably should've stuck with a plain ol' pedometer.
Or not.
Just do my workouts and not worry so much about the stats.  After all, MyFitnessPal is doing all the grunt work for me in that area.

Ah well.  At least I was able to return it.
And I'm much happier now.

Speaking of busts, I got my mammogram results, and I'm all clear.  (They even sent me a link so I can look at the 3-D images.)  I haven't had nearly as much pain or discomfort on my side, so hopefully the cyst is going away, as well.  Had a bit of discomfort last night, after overdoing  it a bit in my workout.  Other than than, nada for the past few days.  I'll get another ultrasound next week.  Hopefully it'll begone completely by then.And keeping on the subject of busts (and hips, thighs, tummies, etc.), I've been looking at a lot of art, lately.  Mostly reproductions or pictures online.  But I've been seeing quite a bit of nudes.  And I always knew that different body types were revered in days past, but I've been thinking that, had I lived a couple of centuries ago, I totally could've been an artists' model.
And maybe even a mistress to one or two.  Or twelve.

I'd like to think I'd've been a bohemian girl.  Staying out late in cafes, drinking absinthe, arguing philosophy, dancing 'til dawn, and crawling home to my tiny apartment to sleep until noon, then downing lots of Turkish coffee and doing it all over again.
Being a bit (or a lot) naughty.  More so than I've had the guts to be in this life.
Of course, I might have come to a bad end.  But I really would have enjoyed the ride for as long as it lasted!

I think I had a chance to do some of that back when I was a student at NYU.  After all, it was the late 80's/early 90's, and it was Greenwich Village!  NYC before the gentrification.  Where a couple of single girls could still afford an apartment in Park Slope, if they had decent enough jobs.  Or a studio on the Upper West Side.
But I was too scared.  I was too good.  The naughtiest thing I ever did was perform "Rocky Horror" in front of 600 strangers every weekend.  Well, that, and sneak the occasional underage wine cooler.  (Because the delis on 6th Avenue never carded.  We'd wash down our jalapeno potato chips with mixed berry Bartell's & James.  Ah, the steely digestive tract of the 19 year-old!) choices have led me to where, and whom, I am.  And that's pretty darn good!

So while I try and whittle away at my belly and lift my butt back up to (at least) circa 2007 proportions, I will continue to write my porn-er-erotica, look at great art, and celebrate my ripe-peach-like figure.

And I'll do it all with as little technology as possible, thankyouverymuch!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Share and Share Alike

Yeah, so, I got the cold that started with my niece and worked its way through the entire house.  One by one.  Hubby now has it, during his busiest week yet this year (of course!), so I'm plying him with Umcka drops, cold medicine, and fluids.  And homemade soup.
My problem wasn't so much the cold, but the cough that came with it.  I'm STILL coughing, even though, otherwise, I feel fine.  It's tiring, painful, and occurs at the least opportune moments.  Like when I'm getting my purchases rung up at the grocery store.  I'm also PMS-ing.  And it's Monday.  And yesterday would've been my dad's 76th birthday.
So, at the moment, I kind of feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out for 2 weeks.  Which would be a tiny bit of a disaster, of course.  AND, I'd smell REALLY badly!

But there are lots of good things going on!  I've been writing a short story that, IMHO, is quite good.  Hubby likes it, too.  It's funny, and it's smart, and it's geared toward a very specific audience (Fantasy/SF Erotica.  Oh, yes!  I have gone to the Dark Side, and there are, indeed, cookies!)  Plus, it's the first of a series.
At least, I hope it is.
I'm hoping to get it published online, to begin.  But I kinda need to finish writing it first.  And adding in the erotic element has, for whatever reason, loosened up my brain.  (Not THAT way, geez!)  I think it's the specificity of the genre.  Having to be THAT specific has, ironically, opened the creative floodgates.

With the added bonus that now everything sounds like a naughty pun.  :)

I think, also, I have found the photographer to take my new headshots, so that I can start auditioning again.  She's up near wine country, but it'll be worth it to have photos that look like me, but also, y'know, good. Plus, I'd get to spend the day in wine country!  Score!
I was going to wait until I lost more weight (Hee!  Another almost-pun!) but, well, it seems to be taking a long time, and I don't want to put it off much longer.

So that's the news.  Gonna go work out with my new Fit Bit gadget thingy.

Take care.