Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Pity, Party of One

Sometimes I see, hear, or read about something wonderful happening for someone, and I get depressed.  I'm glad for them, but the Wonderful Thing that has happened, in these cases, is something I dreamed up for myself.  I thought of it, nourished and nurtured that dream, imagined it, tried to make it a reality.
and it worked!  Just...for someone else...
This has occurred more times than I like to think about.
Usually it's something small, nothing earth-shattering.  Just something I would like to happen.
Over the years I've told myself many things: That this is a Life Lesson, that I shouldn't look for validation outside of myself, that I should learn to be happy with what I have, and not always be wanting more.
All of which are true, and good to learn.
Up to a point.
Because I've also berated myself for being selfish, for not DESERVING these things, for being such a total f*ck-up that OF COURSE I'm NOT going to get what I want!  Why would the Universe reward ME?!?!?!
Of course, seeing some of the folks the Universe DOES reward makes me rethink that last bit...  I mean, REALLY?!?!?!?!

So it has me wondering: WHY does this happen over and over and over?

Because I BELIEVE I'm unworthy. I always have.
I know I've been over this before, but this is becoming much clearer in so many ways.

I was taught I was unworthy by people who believed THEY were unworthy.  It wasn't malicious, it was their way of trying to protect me.  When they told me I'd never make it as an actress, I believed them.  And I think a part of me was afraid to prove them wrong.  So when I DID make it, it was only for a short while.
Because I sabotaged myself, in many ways.  I made choices that pretty much guaranteed failure.

So many of the choices I have made in my life have been based in fear.  And that makes me really, really sad.  Of course, at the time, I didn't know any better.  I had NO IDEA I was living in constant terror, I just thought it was Life.  The way Things Were.

I'm still afraid.  SO much of the time. Of big things and small.  Stuff that often wakes me up in the middle of the night.
When I remember to, I tap on them, and they're not so big and scary anymore.

An issue for me is coming to terms with my fear and anxiety.  I first tried to ignore them, pretend that I wasn't fearful and anxious.  And depressed.
Guess how well THAT worked?  :)

Then I tried to get rid of all of it.  To become someone who had NO fear/anxiety/depression.  I thought if I faced it all head-on, it would eventually just Go Away.

The fact is, this is a part of how and who I am. There's no shame in it.  And there ARE ways of dealing with it, so that these emotions don't overwhelm me and take over my entire existence.

Maybe if I think of them as well-meaning friends: Y'know, they come along and say "But what about...?" or "Be careful of..."  and instead of ignoring them or shutting them down, I can put my arm around them and say "Thank you for pointing that out.  I know how much you care, and it's all going to be OK.  Better than OK.  You've made me aware, and now I can deal with it. Thank you!"

Because the fear/anxiety/depression has been trying to tell me something all these years.  And I think, maybe, FINALLY, I'm getting the message.

Go forward.  Take the risks.  Just know that there are dangers.  Be aware, but also be bold.  Make mistakes.  Fall down.  Pick yourself up.  Shit happens, but your track record for surviving it so far is 100%.


Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid!

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