Thursday, January 12, 2017

One advantage of living in someone else's house is that when something goes wrong, like, say, the water heater breaking, it's not entirely up to YOU to take care of it.  We went 3 days without hot water.  I don't know about you (and perhaps this is TMI, in which case I apologize), but if I go more than a day without bathing, things get pretty ripe.  So on the second night, in desperation, I texted my sister-in-law and begged her to let me come over and use her shower.  Happily, she agreed.
We're also able to bathe the kids again.  Thank goodness! Because if I though I was bad, not bathing 2 adolescents for half a week...shudder.

We've been getting a TON of rain here, finally.  Feast or famine; we've gone from drought to flooding.  It got so crazy the other day that I actually considered finding a private spot in the yard and taking my shower in the rain.  :)

As of Tuesday both kids are back in school.  WG had already been back for nearly a week, and has been so happy to be there!  I think she prefers it to hanging out with her dull parents all day, lol!

Today I've decided to take it a bit easy.  Me and the pup are hanging out, the space heater is on (the house is FREEZING!), I've got my homemade juice and my coffee, and I'm all set.  (BTW, I bought myself a milk frother for Christmas/Hanukkah. It was on sale at Starbucks, and I LOVE it!  I use soy milk, and it makes it all warm and foamy in 90 seconds. )
I'll take the dog for a walk, and do some detox yoga, then a (blessedly warm) shower before the kids get home.  Hopefully I'll be able to get to bed early.

I've decided that 2017 is going to be about self care.  Whatever that entails.  Maybe a nap, a tough workout, skipping a workout if I'm exhausted, eating healthy food, speaking my mind when I need to, and realizing that I DESERVE my yearly vacation AND my yoga classes.  As long as I can afford them, I will take advantage.

I have a feeling we're all going to need to take good care of ourselves.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Still Breathing

Heading into the 3rd week of school vacation (2 kids, 2 schools, 2 different vacation schedules).  And my mom has been here for a week and a half.  She's taking the red eye home tonight.  The weather isn't great, so I'm hoping for an easy flight. She's dealing with some serious stuff at home, so she's not looking forward to returning.  It's a pretty serious situation, which I'm hoping will soon be resolved.

I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but I've decided I need to focus on being a bit more bold. OK, a LOT more.

And in that spirit, I'm going to proclaim that I Deserve a Frickin' Medal.  ;)

As do my kids.  I vaguely remember being 13.  A 13 year-old female. I can't imagine being a 13 year-old autistic female.  My poor girl is on an emotional roller coaster like I've never seen.
And I remember, somewhat, being 15.  But I was never a 15 year-old boy, and certainly not a 15 year-old autistic boy.

Next week, I've decided, once both kids are back in school, I'm going to spend the mornings curled up in my warm bed with my warm puppy and catch up on sleep.

So, Happy New Year, and I'll check in soon.

Monday, December 19, 2016

I'm trying to believe that everything is going to be OK.  But optimism has never been easy for me.  And I've been waking up every morning in a state of anxiety about what the next few months and years will bring.  I'm finding it nearly impossible to have hope.
It's hard to write about it, and I find I'm falling back into my old feelings of anxiety and sadness.  So I may need to take some time away from here and stew.  I'm sorry.
I'll pop in from time to time and let you know I'm still alive.  :)

Happy holidays, and here's hoping that 2017 is a good one!  Bless!

Friday, December 9, 2016

I Have Been Remiss

And I apologize.  I've tried a number of times to write, but have been processing everything and dealing with all sorts of stuff going on, so I ended up deleting those posts.

To be honest, I still don't know what to think about everything that's happening.  Part of me thinks, well, this is it.  The end of society and humanity as we know it.  Another part thinks it'll be a few years of wackiness, followed by (hopefully) the return of at least a semblance of sanity.  Yet ANOTHER part of me is more terrified than ever, especially for my kids.

I'm glad to live where we do. We will probably not be bearing the brunt of the insanity.  But I can't help but fear for the most vulnerable people in the country. And in other parts of the world.

And then I tell myself to take it in small doses.  Because otherwise I will make myself crazy.

So I focus on things closer to home.
Ah, home, where it sounds like a TB ward.  We've all had a cold over the past few days, so the six of us have been coughing and hacking and sneezing and sniffling.  Luckily it seems to be fairly mild.  I got it on Wednesday and was able to get to yoga today.

Last week I was able to try a free class at CorePower Yoga.  I decided to take the level one class.  They told me "You'll sweat a little bit, not too much."  An hour later, after swimming through a pool of my own perspiration, I was proud of myself for getting through it.
And then walked around in agony for the next three days.

I then decided that it isn't for me.  I'll stick with my regular classes.  (At studios that have free parking.  ;) )

WG is still doing well on her meds.  We're going to try a different mixture for LG, as this one is not working for him at all.  It's trial and error.  Hopefully we'll find the right percentages.

I've also been asking for a bit more help here and there.  My mother-in-law is willing and able to watch the kids, and we have respite hours available, so I need to take advantage.  It goes toward the whole keeping-myself-sane thing.
Also trying to figure out whether or not I can take my London trip next year.  I feel guilty spending the money, and the time away from my family, but I also want to make at least one more trip before they leave the E.U.  I must admit I've become somewhat addicted to the city, and to having those 4 days a year that are my own.  Sometimes I think I should go somewhere else, but London is my favorite place on this earth.  Plus, I'm pretty good at getting around now.  For someone with zero sense of direction, that's quite an accomplishment.  :)

Something else to ponder.

OK.  Gotta go blow my nose and lie down.  Who says I don't know how to spend a Friday night?!?!

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Mourning After

Last night I was terrified.  This morning I'm in a bit of shock, I suppose.

This post is going to get VERY personal, and may be a bit long, and you may disagree with everything I write.  That;s OK.  I need to get it all down, and work through everything.

I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious one. I have a strong, deep, belief in and a very personal relationship with G-d.  However, that relationship has also been a bit...troublesome.  Because I have always feared Him/Her more than I have loved Him. I'm just going to go with Him for the time being, even though I believe S/He transcends something as vague as gender.  But also because my relationship with Him echoes the relationship I had with my father when he was alive.
As a kid I loved my dad, but I also feared him.  He had a quick temper, strong opinions, and a loud, booming voice. I was afraid of his anger, which seemed huge.  And there was never any predicting it.  What was fine one moment may have sent him flying off the handle the next.
He may sound awful, but he wasn't.  He was also a loving father, the first stay-at-home dad in our town (he worked mainly at home when my brother and I were young).  He was deeply empathetic, and very, very scared.  We were, ARE, a lot alike.  And because of that we butted heads often, almost right until the end.
My dad believed strongly in social justice and equality.  His journalism career was dedicated to it.  He was often a huge softie, especially when he watched me in a show or my brother compete, or when our old dog was finally too sick to stay alive.
And he had a bellowing laugh, and a terrific sense of humor.
And awful, horrible handwriting!
He's the one who was there when, at age 13, I came home from school with horrible cramps having had my first period.  He went to the drugstore to get me what I needed, and came home with about 3 bags stuffed to the gills with every type of feminine hygiene product available, since he didn't know what I'd need, and this was before cell phones.

I talk to my dad a lot these days. In his last couple of months, I came to truly "get" him.  He couldn't speak, but I understood what he wanted and needed.  And I also understood on a deep level.  Because we ARE so very alike.
I ask him for guidance, and for help. I apologize to him for being so emotionally and financially dependent on my mom (she helps us out A LOT!).

Last night I got very angry at G-d.  I've been literally praying on my knees for a certain outcome to this election, mainly for the sake of my kids.  And when it turned out differently, I lashed out.  I swore at Him, even in my terror of doing so.

And later, I apologized and asked for forgiveness.  Partly because I was sorry, but mostly because I was scared.  Of His punishment.  Because I was afraid of what He might do to my kids or my husband, as said punishment.
And that made me horribly sad.  Because I finally realize that my fear is greater than my love in EVERY aspect of my life.

But I also felt something in the early hours.  I'd awoken at about 1 AM, after a couple of hours of sleep.  And thought about all my fear.  I talked to G-d for a bit, and I felt a sense of calm come over me, along with another realization: My purpose in this life is LOVE.  Not fame, not to be a renowned actor, not even to be a beloved teacher (although I wouldn't mind that, lol!).  I never really wanted fame, but I've always wanted approval.
Now what I want is to be with my family. Whatever happens.  (And, yes, that includes the dog.  She and I have a special bond, and I cannot leave her.)

I want to be a giver of light.  To have not just empathy, which I don't lack, but compassion, which I sometimes do.  I want to live quietly and peacefully, and give love and help to those who need it.

I refuse to give in to despair.  I want to have hope.

I want to love more than I fear.

I've mentioned my guardian angels before.  My many, overworked, under-appreciated angels.  I am going to appreciate them more, even as I may need to rely on them more than ever.

I have heard people say "The Universe on on your side," but I never really believed it.  Now, in this moment, I do.  And I will strive to keep the faith.
And the gratitude.

This morning, I am so very grateful.  For my family.  For this calm.  For all the love in my life.

To quote Tiny Tim, G-d bless us, every one.

Friday, November 4, 2016


Sorry I haven't written in a while.  I've been going through an emotional roller coaster with this election.  It's psychological torture! It's probably against the Geneva Convention...
Seriously, there has GOT to be some kind of limit on how long an election season can go on.

Thankfully I'm back to my regular yoga practice, and on my meds.  I've also deleted my Facebook account and am avoiding cable news as much as possible.  Which is why I can still put a basic sentence together, and also why I'm not sitting in a padded room.

Not that there haven't also been good things: the Cubs winning the World Series! "Doctor Strange" is out.  Halloween was really fun!  Even though we didn't make it to the Potrero. (WG had a rough day, so she stayed home with Hubby in her nice warm room, listening to her music, while LG and I walked around the neighborhood.)

Sunday is WG's birthday, and the party is Saturday.  We're doing a disco theme, with a dance party and Mexican food.
And then the Pacquiao fight.  :)

Oh, and something weird but quite wonderful happened the other day: We got a BIG box of healthy dog food and treats delivered to our home, and we have NO IDEA who sent it.  There was no receipt, no return address, and even Amazon didn't know who it was from.

Our puppy has an angel!

Anyway, it's Friday evening, and I'm going to chill with kids and dog while Hubby is at the rock climbing gym.  Have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Updates and Party Planning

So Pup LOVED her new vet, and the feeling was mutual.  <3 2="" and="" br="" fell="" give="" he="" her="" in="" injections="" let="" love="" nasal="" nbsp="" one="" she="" spray.="" staff="" take="" temperature="" them="" whole="" with="">

Halloween is almost upon us.  My favorite holiday.  Even though we don't get trick-or-treaters here.  We're on a dark cul de sac, and even my past efforts at decorating and turning on every light in the house (and buying the GOOD candy) hasn't been enough to lure the kiddies over.
Can't blame them.  We're at the top of the hill, and it's pretty darn dark and dreary.

Ah well.  The kids have parties at school, and maybe we can walk around the neighborhood or go to the Potrero.

Or I'll just go to yoga, lol!
(Yes, I'm back to yoga, and feeling so much better! Physically AND mentally.)

WG's birthday is also coming up.  She loves music and dancing, so we've decided on a disco theme.  I'm going to make cupcakes with sprinkles, and we'll order good food.  Then dance the night away. Well, until 9 PM...

The alternative medicine continues to work its magic.  We're seeing a little bit of improvement in LG, as well.  It truly is a miracle drug, and should be available everywhere.  Hopefully it soon will be.

OK, gotta get WG out of the tub.  Sayonara!