Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Back to the Future. OK, Present.

I am once again a smartphone owner!
Hubby bought the Nexus 6 and gave me his Nexus 5.
The 6 is HUGE!   It's like a tablet!  We just got it on Monday, so he's still getting used to it.
Meanwhile,  I'm keeping my 5 away from any water sources.

My mom is in town this week, so the kids are able to do some swimming at her hotel.  It's been busy, as usual, around these parts.  I had my annual OB-GYN appointment last week (I'm officially in early perimenopause; holy cow!), followed the next day by my minor eye surgery.  It was quick and painless, and it's nearly healed.  It's so nice to look at my eye in the mirror and not see a giant THINGY on the corner of it. For the first time in 5 years.  It's a bit tender, and I looked for a while like I'd gone a few rounds with some ninjas, but that'll pass.

I've been doing quite a lot of barre workouts.  Mostly Bar Method.  Combining that with Essentrics/Classical Stretch, both of which feel really good!  And a bit of yoga.  Can't afford any classes right now, so I do it all at home.

Within the next few weeks, hopefully, I'll also be getting new headshots.  Which I will then send out hither and yon and, with luck, start auditioning again.  I need to get my face out there.  See, I've never been the kind of actor who walks into a room and casting directors sit up and take notice.  It's always been my work that's gotten me other work.  But auditioning is a necessity.  I think (and have been told) that I audition WELL, I'm just not easily typeable.   People aren't always sure what to do with me.  :) I figure if I can get interest, someone, somewhere, at some point will cast me, and then I can start becoming a known entity.

We're also doing an improv performance in a couple of weeks.  Nothing formal, just friends and family, but it'll be good to get in front of an audience.  It's a such a great group that we have.  Lots of talent there.  And, of course, a much-needed outlet, lol!

Alright, it's getting late.  Gonna watch "Broadchurch" and then go to bed.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

I'm a Loser, Baby

I dropped my phone into the toilet yesterday.  It was running (the toilet, not the phone), so I was leaning over it to fix it.  And forgot I had my phone in the very shallow pocket of my hoodie.
I immediately placed it in uncooked rice, and left it there for 24 hours.  But the antenna is fried, and I need a new phone.
The thing is, it was  Nexus 5, which is no longer available.  I MAY be able to get a pre-owned one from  my carrier, but the one I had was from Google.  Which meant I got all the updates right away.  Even if I DO get one from T-Mobile, it'll take over a week, which means I am mobile phone-less for all that time. And any updates will take a month or two.
Or, I get the Nexus 6, which costs $300 more.
OR or, I get a similar phone, different model.

I just hate this.  I LOVED that phone!  Such a stupid, silly move, and now I have to spend (at least) $350 bucks to buy a phone I probably won't like as much.  I'm kicking myself for not simply TAKING MY PHONE OUT OF MY POCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems like lately things have been going haywire.  I know a lot of it is my perception, that the universe isn't really out to get me, and that it doesn't really have anything to do with the chain letter I deleted a week ago, but my brain isn't believing me.

I need an attitude adjustment, pronto!

Honestly, it kind of feels like this is a major crossroads, and it can be the point where either everything changes for the better, or I keep going down the same road, getting more and more frustrated.  So I think I'll choose the former.

But I'm also very nervous: I'm having simple surgery on Tuesday to remove a cyst from the corner of my eye.  It's been there for 5 years, and, as I said, should be quick and easy.  But,  a) It's my eye, and b) I'm Jewish.  We don't like sharp instruments near our eyes.  OK, and c) The way some things have been going, I'm worried something might go wrong.
There, I said it.
I put it out there.
Hopefully that'll diffuse it.

Everything will be great.

Especially when I stop believing all the horrible things I currently believe about myself.  Honestly, if someone said HALF of those things to my friend, I'd kick them in the throat!
So way is it OK for me to say them about myself?

It's not.

And now, I''m exhausted.  Gotta go to bed.

Have a good week, everyone!

I'll keep you posted.

Monday, February 16, 2015

All Apologies? Or No Apologies?

Part of me, the NICE part, feels I should apologize for my last post.
But another part of me, the sick-of-being-nice part, says "No way!  You wrote what you felt, and that's ALL valid, dude!"
That second part feels like a cross between The Dude (Lebowski), my therapist, and Elaine Stritch.

Because I AM sick of being nice.  Not of being kind, but being nice to the point where others (sometimes literally) walk all over me (I wish I were kidding).

I believe in being nice to people as a general rule.  But there's a line that has to be drawn.  Let's say a waitress gets my order wrong.  There's no need to be mean: I can politely point it out.  After all, she's on her feet all day for crappy pay and holds hundreds of orders in her head.  I tried waitressing once.  I was horrible at it.  I admire people who can do it.  It's HARD work!
However, if said waitress were to yell at and insult me, and then, say, push my face into the food, well, the time for niceties would be over, missy!

But seriously, it doesn't nave to go that far.  Sometimes I need to be a squeakier wheel.  Sometimes ya just gotta be more aggressive.  And, yes, because I'm female, I will be called a bitch.  It's happened many times.  I've survived.  Hell, sometimes I AM a bitch!  Because I have to be!

I'm also realizing that, really, truly: for the most part, other people's opinions don't matter.  If it is someone I care about and/or someone whose opinion will make a difference, then, yes, their opinion matters.  But that is usually only a small percentage of the opinions we hear on a daily basis.  Most of the opinions we hear are from strangers.  Especially if we're on social media and are "brave" enough to read the comments.
Which I now try to avoid.  Because EVERYONE there has an opinion.  And the majority of them are stupid.
Just my opinion.  ;)

Sometimes, though, I even have to discount the opinions of people I love.  Because I have to do what I believe is best. I've lived for a long time trying to please EVERYONE, and have pleased no one.  Least of all myself.

No apologies then.  For that last post, at least. It is, after all, my blog.

In happier news, we took a quick trip to Yosemite over the weekend.  Always a great way to recharge the batteries.  Still no snow, and very warm temperatures, but the water levels were a bit higher than last year.

And last night I dreamed that I was at some sort of celebration attended by many of my favorite fictional characters:  Sherlock and John were there from the new BBC adaptation, but so were Holmes  (in the guise of Richard E. Grant, if for no other reason than I love him) and Watson, in Victorian garb.  All of the Doctors Who from the new series were there.  But the absolute BEST part is that when 12 appeared, his companion was...ME!
And I was super-helpful and smart and brave, I must say!  Because there was some sort of trouble (I don't remember what, exactly), and I ended up having to crawl around on the roof and fiddle with wires.
All while not losing sight of my kids, who were also there.
Haven't seen many companions do THAT!

So, thank you, subconscious!

OK, on that note, I'm gonna motor.  Both kids are off today, but Hubby has rehearsal.  And WG is off all week.  So it's gonna be busy.

Happy happy!

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Butt of the Joke?

I just found out that the medical center where I had my last two tests (one for Lyme disease, the other for skin cancer) suddenly shut down last month.  I'm waiting to hear if I can still get my results, as the center declared bankruptcy and all of the medical records are sealed, awaiting a court hearing.

I also realized that this type of thing happens A LOT.  Not so much to the people around me, but to me.  I try not to have a victim mentality, but lately I cannot help but feel like the butt of some vast, universal joke.
Was it something I did in a past life?  Is it because I haven't asked the universe for the "right" things?  Is it just my luck?
Look, I know plenty of folks have it a whole lot worse than I do.  But it just seems like there has been a conspiracy to NOT let me have little (and sometimes big) things that I want and/or need.
I've been trying very hard lately to be positive, to have a new attitude.  To NOT sink into the old quagmire of depression and anxiety.  I've been tapping, meditating, counting my (many, many) blessings.  I've been trying to focus my attention and energy (what there is of it, lol!) onto the things I want.
I don't think those things are selfish or outlandish.  For the most part, they're doable.  But it feels like I keep running into roadblocks and brick walls, and have been doing for as long as I can remember.  Some are small, some seem insurmountable.
So if the universe has this wonderful grand plan for me, as, I keep hearing, it does for us all, WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?! I'm so tired of games and puzzles and having to figure everything out on my own.  I could use some help.  If, in fact, I've been on the wrong path for 45 years, then WHAT is the correct one?  HOW MANY TIMES do I have to ask for guidance? Is there even one path I'm meant to be on? Or is it all just vast emptiness out there, and we have to muddle along on our own?
Am I just doomed to wake up at 4 AM every so often, panicked and teary, begging for help when none is forthcoming?

I know now just how deep my feelings of insecurity, guilt, and unworthiness run.  I understand that, according to some schools of thought, the fact that I have never truly believed I deserve good things has meant that I focus on the negative, and that's what the universe has given me.  I'm still not sure if I believe that or not.  But I know I'm tired of all that worry and guilt and the waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's exhausting!
And, yes, I also know I'm a product of my upbringing, and that the lessons we learn in childhood are incredibly hard to let go of.  So when you grow up hearing "What makes YOU so special?  Why should YOU succeed where so many others have failed?  Why do YOU deserve happiness/success/good fortune?" You take it in and it becomes a big part pf your psyche.
And even when you do succeed, there is guilt, because you are proving them all wrong. Those people who loved and raised you and truly did the best they could.  They were, after all, products of their own upbringing, and honestly thought they were protecting you from being hurt.    They believed, and they taught you to believe, that if you don't expect too much, you won't suffer disappointment, and sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised.  That that's the best you can hope for.

They were wrong, of course.  But they didn't know that.  And neither did I, for a very long time.
But I know better now, so I think it's time for things to start going my way a little bit more.

Do I have Lyme disease?  Probably not, but I'd like to know for sure.  How about skin cancer? These are questions that I need (and deserve) answers to, and would like to get those answers without having to jump through a million hoops.

So I'm putting it out there: I need answers.  Sooner rather than later, preferably.

And I'd like all those hoops to go away.  I'm tired.  I don't want to jump through them all anymore.

I want the good things.  Not the expensive, materialistic stuff, just the Good Stuff.

I believe I have earned them, and that I deserve them.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Holy Hand Grenades, I've Done it Again!

Gone another 3 weeks without a peep.  I'm so sorry!
In my defense...well, I don't have much of one, other than being busy.
Which we all are.

So, to catch up:  the rash is completely gone (yay), but I had to have 2 moles biopsied (boo!).  It's been a bit over a week, so if I don't hear anything over the next 2 weeks, I'm in the clear.  And then I need to get checked every 6 months.
Fingers crossed.

The concert was FANTASTIC!  I ended up standing right next to the stage.  So you'll have to speak up...

I've been faithfully doing my yoga, and have found 2 classes that I particularly like and that I'm hoping to keep attending after my month is up.

I've also started another round of improv.  This one is advanced, and the group is AMAZING!  Some I know from previous sessions, some I'm just meeting.  But it's gonna be FUN!  And the best part; we get to do 2 performances at the end of the 10 weeks.  Probably in the cabaret space at A.C.T.  I'm really hoping this will lead to something a bit more permanent, as in a core group for workout/performance.

I've been attending my WW regular meetings, but also once-a-month Lifetime membership meetings, which have a different focus.  I'm enjoying them a lot.  And so far, so good on maintaining, knock on wood.
I'm also finding that, as I get older, the super-intense workout schedule just doesn't do it for me anymore.  In fact, it has the opposite effect:  I get overly tired, retain weight, and I end up feeling hungrier than if I do more moderate workouts.  So I've been mixing up Slim in 6/Slim Series, yoga, barre, walking, and 30 minute sessions on the spin bike.
Which is still still not slouching, IMHO.  :)

Another sign that we're getting older: Hubby just ordered a foam cover for our mattress that will make the bed firmer.  We've both been waking up with back and/or shoulder pain. Can't afford a new mattress just yet, so hopefully this will do the trick.

And I think I've hit perimenopause.  My cycle is whack!

We have completely moved into our new rooms.  It's so much nicer to all be on the same floor, and LG has his own room again.  The dog sleeps with us.  Lately, however, he's been scratching and licking a lot. (The dog, not LG.) All over. I think his skin has gotten dry.
Which isn't surprising, seeing as how he likes to sleep directly in front of the space heater!  We have to gently pull him away so his nose doesn't get burned!
Silly pup.
But I think a trip to the vet is in order.  Because the poor guy is SO itchy!  In the meantime, I've been putting a tiny bit of olive oil in bis food, and I'm ordering some doggie digestive enzymes.  Hopefully that will help.

Next week, I will be registering LG for high school.
My little pumpkin is gonna be in HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!

Nope.  Cannot compute that.  Think I'll stay over here in Denial.

It's nice here!
Think I'll hang out for a bit.
Like, say, the next 50 years?

See ya!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Things Aren't Always What They Seem...

First of all, Happy New Year!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Ours was fine, but I have to say I'm glad it's over.  The kids are back in school and I can rest, lol!

Sooooooo...if you read my last post (from 3 weeks ago, sorry!) you may remember I mentioned some bug bites in a highly inconvenient area of my anatomy.  Well, they weren't bug bites.  Turned out to be poison oak.
We'd gone hiking in a beautiful park in Marin.  It overlooked the city, and we had a great time.
There were no bathrooms.  So I had to hike into a copse, and drop trou.


In exactly the wrong spots, obviously.

I went to my GP, who tried his hardest not to laugh and gave me some cream to rub on  Then he had me take blood test to rule out Lyme Disease.
I'm glad he's thorough.
And so is my bottom.
(The test results haven't come in yet, due to the holidays, but I'm pretty sure it's NOT Lyme disease.)

Other than that, it's been fairly uneventful around here.  We watched the Doctor Who Christmas special, which was a lot of fun.  I don't want to give anything away, but The Doctor + Santa's sleigh=ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!

This Saturday I'm going to a concert.  The first one I've been to in 10 years!  It's Midge Ure, who was the front man for Ultravox back in the 80's before embarking on a solo career.  I saw him in 1989 when I was in college, and now he's doing a solo acoustic tour.

I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

And lastly, there's a new yoga studio that opened up down the street, and they have a $30 for 30 days special, so I signed up this morning.  It's nice to get back into it, and I'm feeling stronger than ever.  I was even able to run on a treadmill at my mom's hotel without having to call the paramedics!

OK, one last thing:  I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions, but I made 2 this year.  I'm going to stop pretending everything is fine if it isn't, and I'm going to learn to, in the immortal words of "Frozen",  Let It Go. When need be.  Which is a lot more often than I think it is.

And on that note, I will leave you for now.  Take care!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Holidays, Moving, and Wishes

We are in the midst of the Great Move...from the 3rd floor to the second.  :)  It's still a pain, even though we don't have quite as much stuff and don't have to rent a truck.  But it'll be a MUCH better living situation, I think.
My in-laws returned last night, having been in Hawaii for the past two months.  So we're getting used to not having the house to ourselves.  Ah, well.  Maybe we'l win the lottery.  Of course, it would help if we actually played the lottery.

I realized a couple of things this morning: It was one month ago today that I arrived in London.  Which is odd, because it seems like I was just there last week.  I definitely need to get back, soon.   I know it's not perfect, and it has its issues, like any city (particularly in terms of how expensive everything is!), but it's been my dream city ever since I was a kid and visited for the first time.  The place I would choose if I could live anywhere on Earth.

The other thing, much closer to home, that I realized is that there only a week and a half until the kids' winter vacation.
TWO WEEK winter vacation.
The refrain has been sounding in my head all morning, like Jacob Marley dragging his chains and calling out for Scrooge.

My mom will be in town for some of the time, and she's planning on spending at least some of that time in hotel with a pool.  Maybe four or five, which would be great.  But the rest of the time she'll probably be here, which means we have to find something to keep the kiddos occupied. And, lately, WG has decided she'd like to be home As Much As Possible, and lets us know her displeasure in being taken Out Of The House in ways that aren't always nice.  (I was sporting a nice scratch on my forehead for a few days from an attempted walk on Thanksgiving Day.)

I really, REALLY wish there were programs for special needs kids during school vacations!  There are plenty for typical kids, but we don't have the money right now to hire an aid for ours...
So, it's up to me to keep them busy, involved, and entertained.  In some ways it was easier when they were smaller.  They were more portable, lol!  Can't just put them in the double stroller and head out anymore.  Now they're nearly adult-sized (LG is taller than both of his grandparents), and REALLY strong.

And stubborn.
Can't imagine where THAT comes from... (looks away, whistling).

So, we'll figure it out as we go.

So, that's been the daily grind around here.
Aside from a series of some sort of insect bites on a rather ...unfortunate...part of my anatomy that have gotten a bit infected.
More than you needed to know?

Probably a good place to stop.

See ya soon, friends!