Wednesday, November 5, 2014

OK, Then. Negative to Hopeful. And Maybe a Bit Kick-A**.

Well that's done.  Election day is over, not many surprises.  Not terribly happy with most of the results, but, again, they were not unexpected.  It seems the political pendulum swings back & forth pretty quickly these days.  So one side will crow and beat their chests, and, most likely, we'll get right back to gridlock and finger-pointing while nothing much changes.
Part of me is wondering if I should just pop some popcorn, pull up a chair, and point and laugh.  'Cause I'm tired of crying.
Truthfully? Yes, I'm upset about the outcome of the elections.  It does nothing to pretend that I'm not, that I'm fine.  But it also doesn't help to panic, either.  On Facebook today, Marianne Williamson said "Don't panic, grieve." That that's the way to figure out the next steps to take.
Makes sense to me.
Across the board, not just with politics.

I do have to admit, however, that sometimes it feels REALLY good to be pissed off at people in my own political party.  'Cause sometimes they just muck it up.  And by not having any backbone whatsoever (politicians) and not voting (citizens), they have no one to blame but themselves.  And if you're gonna be like THAT, then, I'm sorry, but I can't just pat you on the head and tell you it's OK.

Because it isn't.

Which brings me to, well, me. For a long time now I've been trying to remain optimistic about my own situation.  Actually, that's the wrong phrasing.  Because being optimistic is one thing, and completely ignoring the crap is something else entirely.
I won't lie.  It's been rough these past 10 years or so.  We have been through it, and there's no point in pretending it hasn't happened.  There's been a lot of death, a lot of loss, a ton of disappointment.  That's life, yes, but sometimes it seems we've had a bit more than our share these past few years.

Right now my in-laws are out of town.  And, truthfully, it highlights just how hard it is living with them.  While I'm grateful for the roof over our heads and the (occasional) help with the kids, there's a lot of negative stuff that goes along with it. And we're not in a position right now to change that, so we just have to deal.

As always, there is the constant worry about the kids, and what the future holds.

My husband has a horrible job that pays little.  We're working on changing that.

I want my career back.  I'm working on that, as well.

There's more.  I won't go into it all.

The point of all this is to ACKNOWLEDGE it.  Because ignoring it doesn't help.  Just the opposite.  If I deny that anything is wrong, if I keep stuffing the issues down, how can I make anything better?  It didn't work when I ate to cover my anxiety/sadness/anger, why should it work on a broader scale?  If I'm feeling trapped, who else can can dig me out? No one!  I gotta grab a shovel (or even a spoon) and start getting MYSELF out of the quagmire.

And while it's all well and good to care and for strangers, wringing my hands and saying "Oh dearie me" doesn't get stuff done.  Staying awake and worrying at 4 AM won't feed the hungry or house the homeless. Donating food to the local pantry will help.  Volunteering, making donations, those kinds of things make the difference.

It's time for me to get off my butt (and my computer, as I sit typing this :) ), and DO THINGS.

Next week I'm going to London.  By myself.  And it is a trip that is not only desperately wanted, but NEEDED.  I have to get out of my environment, my everyday routine, and figure sh*t out.

(I already know one thing very clearly, that arguing with people on Facebook is nothing but a gigantic time suck that changes nothing.  Actually, that's not entirely true: My anxiety and blood pressure levels change, they go waaaaaay up.)

So this trip: I'm hoping to get some much-needed perspective. As well as a few days of peace & quiet, time to myself, and, as I've mentioned, the first genuine vacation I've had in a long while. See some shows, visit museums, walk the streets, and just BE in my favorite city in the world.

I need to figure out a way to make our lives better.  I'm tired of waiting and worrying.  Again, that will change nothing.

I should probably also say that I'm VERY EXCITED for my trip, lol!!!!!!!!

So, the take-away from all this:
-Don't Panic (and always bring a towel).
-Worry doesn't help.  Feeling the feeling, letting it go, and taking action DOES.
-Petty arguments solve nothing and only create stress.
-Acknowledge the situation as it is, and allow the corresponding emotions to surface. Feel them.  Admit them. Let them go.
-Enjoy my trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK.  Good. This sounds like a plan.
And now, I must go get my flu shot.

See ya!



Thursday, October 23, 2014

Where Does the Time Go?

It's been over a week since I posted.  Sorry, again!
It's been an eventful week around these parts.  My sister-in-law & family came in from Hawaii for a few days, and I've been cooking up a storm (I got a new cookbook!). I'm preparing for my trip, trying to find a new pediatrician for the kids, and getting them used to the dentist.  The last one requires multiple visits to the office in order to get them comfortable and familiar with their surroundings before subjecting them to the actual dental work.  We may still have to have them sedated, but we'll see.
I've been writing a bit, which is good.  Working out, hanging out with the pup, and YES, I reached my goal weight!!!!!!
So now I go into the maintenance phase.  And if my weight stays basically the same for the next 6 weeks, I become a lifetime member. Which means I get most stuff for free. :)
And I have stepped up the workouts.  The weight is gone, now it's time to REALLY tone up.

However, it is the first time in about 30 years that I'm not actively trying to lose weight.  It's freaky, but in a good way!

Aaaaaaand, in news that is not ALL about me, LG's new teacher has arrived, and she is FANTASTIC.  WG continues to love her school (what's not to love?), and Hubby is still doing the work of at least 3 people while earning near-indentured-servant wages.

It's hard to believe that Halloween is right around the corner.  Before we know it, the Holidays will be upon us, and then it'll be 2015.
I still sometimes feel like it's 1998!

OK, back to me.  Yesterday I did a Slim in 6 workout WITHOUT taking any breaks.  I usually have to take a breather during the leg lift/booty sculpting section (who knew lifting your leg was so HARD?!?!?!?!), but I did it all! And I was feeling so proud of myself!

Until I woke up this morning and had to crawl out of bed.

All day I have been SO SORE!  I'm getting ready to do a 25-minute kickboxing HiiT workout, and a little yoga.  Hopefully that'll counteract some of the soreness.  And then I'll take a nice warm bath and hope for the best.

OK, that's what's been going on on the surface. Tomorrow, or later, I'll go more in-depth about recent discoveries made.  It's mostly good stuff.

But now I have to psych myself up to, y'know, move.
Ow.

Laters!


Monday, October 13, 2014

Sorry for the Blog Silence

Been a bit hectic around these parts lately.  I myself am getting over either a REALLY, horrendously bad cold or possible flu.  I'm kinda HOPING it was the flu, because if it WAS just a cold, and the flu is worse, well, GEEZ!
The truth is, I was supposed to be on a plane to London today.  But the hotel couldn't confirm my reservations, so my trip was postponed until next month.  It is purely a vacation.  Just me.  Because I haven't had a REAL vacay in about 15 years.  One in which I can actually relax and not be responsible for two smaller folks while everyone else goes off and does their vacation-y things.
And, it's a place I want to go to. While I've enjoyed and appreciated all our family trips, they have consisted of either tagging along with the in-laws (usually so that they don't have to drive), or going places hubby wants to go.  Not that I don't love Yosemite, 'cause I really, really do, but London is my favorite city, and I haven't been in 23 years.  I'm hoping that someday Hubby and I can take a U.K tour, but that can't happen just yet.  He's never been, and I'd love to show him around and see some of the places I haven't been to yet.
I also have a friend who recently moved there.  Haven't seen her in 20 years, so it'll be great to catch up.
I'm gonna take in a show (or 2 or 3),  visit some museums, maybe even catch the train down to Cardiff and see The Doctor Who experience.  :)
And ride the Eye.  That hadn't even been built the last time I was there.  Yes, it's touristy, but I gotta do it!

It's actually a good thing the trip was postponed.  Originally I was scheduled to take the red eye to New York last night, and I was in no shape to travel.  I'm feeling quite a bit better today, but still far from 100%.
Hubby, bless him, has been taking care of everyone and  everything while I languished in bed like some 18th century literary consumptive heroine.

Changing the subject completely, I believe I have reached my goal weight!  (I'll find out for sure at my weigh-in tomorrow.)  Now the real work begins; maintaining that weight loss.  20 pounds since late May, and 36 pounds altogether, from my highest non-pregnancy weight 4 years ago.  Originally I wanted to go lower, but I think this is a weight I can maintain without starvation.
So the next step is to kick up my workouts a notch.  Not today.  When I'm feeling better, and can stand for more than 5 minutes without toppling over.  I've once again been re-discovering some old favorites, workouts that have helped me shape up in the past.  I believe I've mentioned Slim in 6/Slim Series, but also Yoga Booty Ballet, which is REALLY fun and lets me shake my money maker in the privacy of our living room.  Because my dance moves (i.e., flailing about like a hyperactive mongoose) are not for public consumption. Or public safely, for that matter.

OK, gotta go lie sown.
Like I said, not quite 100%.

Laters!




Monday, September 22, 2014

Monday seems to be my default Blogging Day now.  Makes sense, as that's when I seem to have most of my free time.  I get the kids off to school, do the grocery shopping, a bit of cleaning (let's be honest; as little as I can get away with), and then I chill for a while.  The rest of the week somehow gets taken up with Stuff To Do, although, if you were to ask me on Friday what I'd done for the past 5 days, I wouldn't be able to tell you.
Such is the life of a mom, I suppose.  Even when the kids are in school.

A few days ago I realized that my obsessive worry about my WW weigh-ins was creeping back in.  I'd put on .8 lbs last week. (POINT. EIGHT!)  Mainly because I was bloated out to here (indicates circumference roughly the size of Jupiter) for much of the week.  Apparently, PMS now starts 2 1/2 weeks before Aunt Flow actually shows up.  Yeah.  THANKS, hormones!
I'd also been exercising a little too much.  But, to be fair to myself, part of it was to get rid of the bloating and cramping.  Exercise helps A LOT, and there was a point where it was getting painful. So I'd go for a walk or hop on the bike or yoga mat in the hopes of getting rid of some of that.

So the bloat is a bit better (say that 10 times fast!), and now my face looks (to continue the cosmic theme) like the Belt of Orion.  Just in time to go to the opening of Hubby's show tonight.  Yay!
(And by "Yay" I mean, of course, "*&^%@#$*+%$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

Tomorrow night is LG's Back to School Night.  And, from what I hear, they have hired a full-time teacher for his class, who will arrive in 2 weeks' time, once the background check has cleared.  I think being in a regular classroom in the actual school building (as opposed to the trailer where they were situated the past 2 years) has made a huge difference for him.  He's calmer, and, according to his teachers, participating very actively. And he is able to finally show the depth of his intelligence!
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

WG is doing well, too.  There are 2 new students in her class, and they're both quite noisy.  Given her sensitivity to sound, it's been a little difficult for her.  But she is finding her way, and the staff know when she needs to either go outside, have her noise cancelling headphones put on, or listen to music.

I'm so stinkin' proud of both of them!!!!!!!!!  They're such smart, amazing, wonderful kids!!!!!!!!!  How'd we get so lucky?

Since my sister-in-law et. al. moved out, the pup has been a bit more clingy than usual.  Which is completely understandable.  He needs reassurance that he's not going anywhere, and I'm more than happy to give it.  When a 75-pound pit bull needs cuddles, well, he doesn't have to ask me twice!

As I mentioned, Hubby's show opens tonight for a 4-week run.  Which means things will be a bit calmer: He performs 4 nights a week, and can come home beforehand (after work).  Plus, he'll have most of the weekend free, other than Saturday night.  We'll actually get to see his face now and then,  lol!

As for me, well, the job search, such as it is, continues on apace.  And the writing, well, that does, as well.  As much as is possible.  I figure if I just vomit all the ideas that are racing around in my head onto paper, something will eventually come of it.
Right?

Aaaaaaand...I may just submit myself for a directing gig at a community theater in Marin.  I LOVE community theaters!  Just have to think of a play...

Of course, it wouldn't be a post o'mine if I neglected to mention "Doctor Who" or "Sherlock" or both.
Looks like season 4 of "Sherlock" won't be happening for a while, due to the fact that both leads are ridiculously busy, popular, and important (good for them!).  Although, apparently, we WILL be getting a Christmas special next year, by all accounts.
Peter Capaldi continues to amaze and inspire as The Doctor.  And Jenna Coleman is being just fantastic.  The entire cast is terrific, recurring and guest, and some of the characters have been SO wonderful, I hope we see them again.
This show, and PC in particular, has rekindled my love of acting and my creativity.  It makes me excited to get myself back out there.

Which reminds me of the dream I had the night before last, in which I was pregnant.  And panicking.  Because I don't want another child at this stage of my life.  "However, I don't think the dream was literal.  I think it had more to do with the above-mentioned creativity: I've waded back into those waters, and it's time to take the plunge.  To birth a new project, if you will.

I just need to find the right midwife.  ;)

OK.  I'm  off. Kids are getting out of school soon and I should...bathe, or something.

Talk again soon!



Monday, September 8, 2014

And Away We GO! (Plus, Boob Confessions)

The kids are back in school.  This is their first FULL week.  A few changes this year:  LG is in a new classroom, with a new teacher who has yet to be hired, apparently.  So they have subs.  Luckily, some of the TAs are still there, so there are a couple of familiar faces.  A number of his classmates, however, have moved on to high school, so he has some new friends.

WG has a new bus driver.  Which she seems fine with, it's her dad and I who are having trouble adjusting.  We have to trust these guys to take her safely to and from school every day (3 hours round-trip), and also to take care of her, PERIOD.  She is the first one picked up and the last one dropped off, and she is non-verbal.  I know the company and, especially, the school are VERY careful and thorough about who they hire, but it's still worrying...

And, in a pretty big development, my sister-in-law and her family are moving out!  Which means we get their rooms, lol!  It's actually pretty exciting, because LG will have his own room again, and we'll all have more privacy.  My in-laws will be moving back upstairs (where we currently reside), so there will once again be a spare bedroom, and we won't have to worry about WG waking them up in the middle of the night is she's up and playing, as often happens.  My mother-in-law will still be taking care of our niece, so well see everyone every day.  It'll just be a bit quieter at night.  :)
And the pup is staying here.  Hooray!!!!!!!!

We've just seen episode 3 of "Doctor Who."  So far I am LOVING it!  I know there are many who aren't.  Some don't like the writing, some don't like the acting.  I must say, I take it VERY personally, lol!  Not sure why. Maybe it's because of all the crap I took for being a fan when I was a kid.  It still stings.

As far as my weight loss, I'm down 15.5 pounds.  Another weight-in tomorrow.  I may be hitting my first plateau.   But then, seeing as I'm about 6 pounds away from my goal weight, that's not too surprising.  My "goal weight" being on the higher end of where I'd actually like it, just to give me some wiggle room.  At this point in life, I'm not sure what I can easily maintain.  Don't want it to be too high OR too low.
I'm gonna be honest: The main sticking point with me right now isn't my post-child bearing belly or my droopy butt.  It's my girls. The twins, the boulders, the mammaries, the boobs. The Breasts.  They still feel HUGE!  I know they're in pretty good proportion to the rest of me, but I'd like them to be smaller.  I'm currently a 38D.  I'd like to at least shrink them back to a C, which is where they've been most of my adult life.
I put on a long-sleeved, fitted shirt this morning and my first thought was "Jeez Louise, they're MASSIVE!"
I admit I've been self-conscious about them ever since they made their very sudden, very LOUD appearance when I was 14.  I was flat as a board and then BOOM!  Out they came!  And they weren't subtle about it, either!
I've never been one to go around flashing them. I don't particularly like low-cut tops, and have done my best to keep my breasts contained for the past 31 years.  Partly because of the unwanted attention I got (which, at 14, 15, 16, is REALLY hard to deal with!) and partly because I prefer it when people look me in the eye when we're talking.
But it can be difficult.  When I work out, or go to yoga, I don't want to wear a bulky t-shirt.  I find them uncomfortable and I sweat even more than usual (which is quite a bit).   Plus, try doing an inversion in a loose-fitting top!  But so many of the tops made specifically for working out can show a bit too much if you're, um, well-endowed.  So I end up putting on layers and, yes, sweating A LOT.  (You ever try doing hot yoga in layers?  NOT FUN!)
I've had to explain this to fellow instructors when they complain about certain clients revealing their "assets." Most of them, to their credit, admit that they'd never thought of it that way.  Because they just haven't had the experience.  Lucky ducks.

And, of course, there is the simple fact that they, like everything else on my body, are heading south.

I realize this is a first-world problem, and it's probably not nearly as bad as I imagine it to be.
A few years ago, my mom had breast cancer, and I feel very lucky that she survived, is cancer-free, and that, so far, I appear to be the same.  I also try to remember that they fed both of my kids.

Basically, it's really just another thing for me to obsess over.
Because I don't have enough, right?

I hope this wasn't triggering.  It's just me being silly and avoiding the important stuff I need to focus on.

Speaking of which, I'd better get back to it.
Have a good one!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I Can See The Light...

...At the end of the tunnel!  WG goes back Wednesday, and LG a week from tomorrow!

I am DEFINITELY feeling the effects of summer vacation.  I'm looking forward to hopefully-fingers-crossed-keep-a-good-thought having a solo vacation at the end of October.  Details to follow if it actually comes to pass.

In the meantime, "Doctor Who" premiered, of course, on Saturday, and this girl was NOT disappointed!  In a couple of hours, in fact, I'll be heading out to our local cinema to watch it again, this time on the big screen, with a prequel, surrounded by my fellow freaks-er-fans.

Honestly, if you'd have told me back in 1982 that it would reach this level of popularity, I'm not sure I'd've believed you.  It was such a fringe, cult show at the time, in the U.S. That weird thing shown on PBS on weeknights with the bad special effects.  Those of us who DID watch it were considered TRULY odd.
And now?
Well. Just go on YouTube and check out footage from the world tour.  It's HUGE!!!!!!!

Which makes me very happy.
And I'm just gonna say, Peter Capaldi: Rock star!

On the more mundane side, I'm down 14.5 pounds.  At least, I was last week.  This week is PMS, so who knows?  I'l find out tomorrow.

OK, I'm back from the theater.  And I'm just gonna say it again:  Peter Capaldi is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's one thing to go darker with the character, which has been discussed a lot and is (IMHO) absolutely the right way to go.  But to do that AND make him funny AND make him achingly vulnerable all at the same time is no easy feat.  But he makes it look easy.  I'm so blown away by his performance.
And it's only the first week!

And, in other good-news-for-inspirational-stuff, "Sherlock" won a bunch of Emmys.  Including Benedict Cumberbatch, Martin Freeman, and Stepehen Moffat!
So it's been a good night all-around for artistic stuff.

And on that note, I'm off.
Good night!




Sunday, August 17, 2014

Well...

Last week was...rough.  All-around.  Not so much in the way I'd figured.  The kids've been great!  But with everything that's been happening around the country and around the world, well.
Just, well.

Had another personally rough, emotional day.  I think it was, in part, a delayed reaction to Robin Williams' suicide.  The world is a much sadder place now.  And with the events in Ferguson...

Sometimes it's all so overwhelming, isn't it?

But here we are, at the start of a new week.  My mom is in town, as is a friend whom I haven't seen in 20 years.  :)

And we are 6 days away from new "Who."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In 2 weeks and 2 days, both kids will be back in school.
Not that I'm counting the days or anything...
I adore them, of course.  But It'll be nice to have those few hours to myself again during the weekdays.
Although it IS hard to believe that LG is going into 8th grade, while WG is going into 6th.
Where are my little toddlers?!?!?!?!

As of my last weigh-in, I'm 13 pounds down.  I'm looking at between 8-13 more, and then we'll take stock.
Working on the meditation, and keeping up the tapping.

I just finished reading a book called "10% Happier" by Dan Harris (who's a correspondent and anchor for ABC news).  It's about his experiences with meditation, after having had a panic attack on air, and I really enjoyed it.  I found it inspiring and very helpful, as well as really funny.  Definitely worth a read if you're interested in meditation.

Finally, trying to find the courage to go into the darkness that is at the root of everything.  The cause of the anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness that crop up now and again.  And to dare to be unexceptional.  To not worry that I'm not "important."  Because I am to the people who matter.
To just be kind, loving, patient, and accepting of my own human-ness and frailty, and of everyone else's.

But I will say this:  Remember that letter I wrote back in March?  I kinda wish I knew for sure that the person I sent it to got it and read it.  Because I think it's important to know when you've inspired someone as much as this person has inspired me.  Just my opinion.

Anyway.  I'll try to go on the assumption that they did.  And hopefully it made them happy, even if only for a few minutes.

OK.  Gotta go to bed.

'Night!