Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Day 1 of Zuzana is In The Books, And It's Even Worse Than I'd Thought...

I'm SO out of shape!  :)
Yesterday I did Zuzana's (of Zuzska Light, formerly of Bodyrock TV) workout for Absolute Beginners.  I figured, hey!  I'm no Absolute Beginner, I should be able to do this!
To quote Thorin Oakenshield regarding Bilbo Baggins, I have never been so wrong in all my life!

I did it.  4 rounds.  With burpees after EVERY SINGLE EXERCISE!
But it was NOT pretty, and it was a bit touch-and-go there for a while.

And it pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the day.  I still got through: The kids were picked up, laundry got done, snacks, dinner, and lunches for the next day were made, dishes were washed.  We even managed to take the kids for a nice walk in the evening.
But, holy hamstrings! (And glutes, and quads, and biceps, triceps, pretty much every muscle in my body.)
And I have to do it all over again today!


So as a reward, I went online and watched the first episode of the BBCs "The Musketeers," which stars Peter Capaldi having a grand ol' time as Cardinal Richlieu, and some very lovely young fellas as the Musketeers who keep taking of their shirts. It's a good way to tide myself over until the new episodes of "Doctor Who" start.  In August.  6 months away.  (And "Sherlock" is done for now: Who knows WHEN we'll see that again!)
I also recently read that both Richard E. Grant and Anna Chancellor will be on "Downton Abbey" next year.  Which means I'll have to start watching that, as well.

All of which is a way to distract myself from the mishugas happening in this country.  (Hello, Arizona, I'm lookin' at you!)
It seems a day doesn't go by but some cray-cray new piece of legislation is brought up that tries to deny someone, somewhere, their right to something.
Make it stop!

And to top it off, Harold Ramis died!
I was an extra on "Bedazzled" when he was filming in SF back in 2000.  ( We didn't live here yet, but I was teaching a workshop).  I wanted to make some money, but was a bit leery, as most of my experiences working as an extra on big-budget films in NY and L.A. had been pretty awful.  But this was different: I worked 3 days, and it was great!  Harold Ramis sat with the actors during meals, talked to EVERYONE, and was so relaxed and happy and in his element that he created a relaxed, happy atmosphere on set.  I was so impressed with him.  (And grateful to him, lol!)
RIP, sir.  You will be missed.

On a happier note, I'm finally going to go see "Frozen" today.  (!!!!!!!!!)  I was hoping they'd have a showing for special needs kids, as they sometimes do, so I could take WG.  (They actually have showtimes where they only turn the lights down halfway, and the kids can run around, stim, make noise, and basically be themselves without anyone getting pissed off and complaining, so it's pretty swell). But if they had one, we missed it.  So I'll go on my own, and see if it's something she'll be into when it comes to cable.  :)

BTW, the writing class I'm taking, the one which uses Psychological Gesture?  AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!  I'll keep you posted.  But I gotta go take LG to school.

Have a good one!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Continuing the Theme...

Having a particularly difficult day, mainly due to hormones.  OK, hormones and a realization: That despite my recent exciting advances in shedding my old thought patterns and habits (or, actually, BECAUSE of them), I discovered today just how deeply my self-loathing goes.  I've written about it, talked it over, thought about it endlessly, but today it hit me on a visceral level.  I saw it very clearly.  And it's making me so, so sad.
Because there really is no logical reason.  I'm a good person. I think my life experiences have made me more empathetic,  more patient, and kinder.  But I learned, from a young age, that I was less than.  And that I would NEVER measure up.
I know I'm repeating myself here.  But it keeps coming up.  I get SO angry about it, but I also know that the people who taught this to me felt the same way about themselves, and they truly did the best they could. It's NO ONE'S FAULT!

But MAN, it sucks!

And I'm tired.  I feel like I've been fighting almost my entire life.  Fighting to get out of bed every morning and get through the day, fighting to change myself, fighting to hold onto friendships and relationships that, at the time, maybe I should have let go of.  Fighting for my kids. And now fighting to end this hatred.
Sometimes I look at people who seem (operative word, that) to have it easy, and I get so jealous.  It feels like they're handed everything they want while I've fought tooth and nail for every crumb.  Again, "seem" is the key.

I wish I were braver,  I wish I'd misbehaved more when I was younger, acted out more, lashed our more often, and hadn't been such a "good girl."  I wish I'd explored more. Tried on different personas.  Attempted more, and fallen on my face before soaring. To prove to myself that failure IS ALWAYS AN OPTION!!!!!!!  I wish I'd trusted myself and listened to my instincts.  I wish I'd known how smart, funny, capable and beautiful I was.
And I don't want to go the rest of my life without ALL of that.

So, I won't.
Just gotta figure out the logistics.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

You Cannot Hate Yourself Into Becoming What You Want to Be.

THIS is probably the biggest lesson I've learned...oh, ever.  It sounds New Age-y, but whatever we want to be is already inside of us.  No one can get it for us.  Sure, others can help: A therapist, a best friend, a life coach, a mentor, etc. But they can only guide us, not do the actual work for us. A Sherpa isn't going to drag you up to the top of Mt. Everest, you have to get there under your own power or not at all.  I think of it like a sculpture:  The artist sees the form within the rock, then chips away until that form appears.  Richard Feynman used to talk about how only scientists could truly appreciate the beauty of a flower, because only they can see the intricate patterns that make it up.

Science and art are very closely related, IMHO.

Calling yourself stupid won't make you smart.  Calling yourself useless won't make you of use. Calling yourself ugly won't make you beautiful.  And yet we spend so many YEARS doing just that: Berating ourselves in the hope that doing so will make us "better."

Sometimes, in my more optimistic moods, I sense a sea-change coming: A time when we will learn to lead with our hearts, to let go of greed, to get rid of one-upmanship. When we realize, if I can quote that great philosopher "High School Musical,"  that "we're all in this together."  That, as others have said, no one gets out of this life alive, so we may as well make the best of it.

I believe, now, that we are all destined for greatness. That is our purpose.  But greatness is different for everyone.  For some it's discovering cold fusion or curing disease, while for others it may be to raise kids that become good, kind people, or to rescue animals, or to simply be as good at their job as possible.
I guess we all decide for ourselves what our greatness is.

I'm seeing a time, again, during those optimistic periods, when we see beauty all around us, when we stop worshipping the surface and look more deeply.
Of course, in my less-tan-optimistic moments, I see everything going to Hades.  :)

So, I have decided to take a look around and focus on the good stuff.   Because there is a whole lot of it, even if we can't always see it.

Tonight I begin a new 8-week writing class.  It uses the acting techniques of Michael Chekhov to influence our writing, so it'll involve some movement.  Since I've never studied Chekhov's technique in-depth, I'm very excited, but also nervous.  I'm trying to remind myself that I don't have to prove anything.  The reason I am taking this class is to learn something new, not to show show off what I already know.  Because, really, that would be a massive waste of my money and everyone's time.  To NOT be the Good Student, trying to do everything "right" and please the instructor, and just take in as much as I possibly can.  She, the teacher, is there to pass on her knowledge, not sit in judgement.

OK.  On a COMPLETELY different subject, did you see Benedict Cumberbatch on "Sesame Street"?!?!?!?!  I'm still trying to learn how to embed videos here. You can see it on YouTube.
Also, "His Last Vow":  AMAZING!
And online footage of Peter Capaldi signing autographs for & taking photos with fans & generally being completely lovely in Cardiff between takes on the set of "Doctor Who" just makes me admire him all the more.

Anyway, that's all for now.  I'm off to find some images to kickstart my imagination for tonight.  Wish me luck!