Friday, February 14, 2014

Continuing the Theme...

Having a particularly difficult day, mainly due to hormones.  OK, hormones and a realization: That despite my recent exciting advances in shedding my old thought patterns and habits (or, actually, BECAUSE of them), I discovered today just how deeply my self-loathing goes.  I've written about it, talked it over, thought about it endlessly, but today it hit me on a visceral level.  I saw it very clearly.  And it's making me so, so sad.
Because there really is no logical reason.  I'm a good person. I think my life experiences have made me more empathetic,  more patient, and kinder.  But I learned, from a young age, that I was less than.  And that I would NEVER measure up.
I know I'm repeating myself here.  But it keeps coming up.  I get SO angry about it, but I also know that the people who taught this to me felt the same way about themselves, and they truly did the best they could. It's NO ONE'S FAULT!

But MAN, it sucks!

And I'm tired.  I feel like I've been fighting almost my entire life.  Fighting to get out of bed every morning and get through the day, fighting to change myself, fighting to hold onto friendships and relationships that, at the time, maybe I should have let go of.  Fighting for my kids. And now fighting to end this hatred.
Sometimes I look at people who seem (operative word, that) to have it easy, and I get so jealous.  It feels like they're handed everything they want while I've fought tooth and nail for every crumb.  Again, "seem" is the key.

I wish I were braver,  I wish I'd misbehaved more when I was younger, acted out more, lashed our more often, and hadn't been such a "good girl."  I wish I'd explored more. Tried on different personas.  Attempted more, and fallen on my face before soaring. To prove to myself that failure IS ALWAYS AN OPTION!!!!!!!  I wish I'd trusted myself and listened to my instincts.  I wish I'd known how smart, funny, capable and beautiful I was.
And I don't want to go the rest of my life without ALL of that.

So, I won't.
Just gotta figure out the logistics.


Geosomin said...

You *are* awesome in so many ways.
Never forget that :)

azusmom said...