Monday, March 29, 2010

Yoga, and Some Things Really DO happen For a Reason!

This past weekend I took my level 2 YogaFit teacher training.  And what started out as a thing to do because I love yoga, want to teach, and need to make money turned into a life-changing event.  Not in the way of I'm-suddenly-perfectly-enlightened, I-must-give-away-all-my-earthly-possessions-and-go-meditate-on-a-mountain kind of way, but in a real-life way. 
'Cause I am NOT going to go meditate on a mountain anytime soon (the mountains are too far, and I need to be home in time to pick up my kids), I get chilly when it dips below 70 (mountaintops are COLD!), and, while I AM getting rid of stuff we don't need anymore, I kinda like having things like a home, a bed, and running water.
And a computer.
This weekend was about communication; how do we communicate to our students?  To find out, we spent a lot of time figuring out our own learning processes, and where we are strongest as well as what could use some work.  We also started talking about yoga philosophy, as well as the fact that it is a philosophy and not a RELIGION. 
One of the philosophies can be boiled down to "Change the way you feel, not the way you look."
HELLO!!!!! That one spoke to me!  Actually, it came right up, got in my face, and conked me on the head!  In a loving, gentle way, of course.
Because so many students, especially in the gym environments where I teach, come to yoga (and Pilates) as a way to look better, but stick with it when they start feeling better.  When they have increased mobility, and can breathe easier, and start playing sports again, or playing with their kids.
In fact, each of the philosophies we discussed are things that I am struggling with right now.  It's almost as if this training came at the perfect time.
And maybe it did!
There's a saying that goes something like "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."  And right now I feel I have SO MANY teachers!  So many people in my life from which I am learning so much.  Including, no, ESPECIALLY you guys!

This morning we had a meeting at my daughter's school, and her ABA therapist, who has been working with her for 4 years, came along. It was her last IEP with us, and it felt like a passing of the torch.  She's been visiting the classroom as well, giving advice and bridging the gap between the people WG's been working with to the ones who will take the reigns from here.  And, while I'm sad to lose the ABA therapists, I am SO HAPPY with the folks at her school!
And it got me thinking; if we hadn't had so much trouble finding the right class for her, she wouldn't be at this wonderful school now. And it is the PERFECT school for her!  If we hadn't gone through all that angst, we wouldn't be at this place. 
So, yes, sometimes things happen for a reason, even if we can't see it right away.

Now I'm gonna go lie down and try to sleep for the next 12 hours.  I'm TIRED, lol!!!!!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I Also Meant to Say...

I started that last entry with the intention of writing about my workout schedule, and the fact that while I keep thinking I need to add more exercise, it turns out that I am, in fact, overtraining.

Friday, March 26, 2010

You're Doing it Wrong.

When I say YOU i mean, of course, ME.
And, I know, there is no right or wrong.  Or something.
But I finally, FINALLY get that this IE stuff will take work.  I'm gonna have to do things I don't want to do, like pay attention while I eat.  No more reading or watching TV.  Not in the fitness magazine, generic advice, don't-eat-while-distracted- so-you-can-lose-20-pounds-FAST! kinda way, but in the pay attention, listen to your body, face the feelings kinda way.
I have resisted this for years.  I ALWAYS have something going on at mealtimes, whether it's the TV, a book, or the general chaos of a family with 2 young kids and a dog. 
I've also avoided meditating, even though my intentions are good.
So, what am I TRULY avoiding?  What will happen when I sit down, quietly, either to eat or to simply breathe?  THAT, my friends, is the big unknown! THAT is what I am afraid of! Because even THINKING about it makes me anxious, and I picture a gray, murky underworld with swirling clouds, and I'm standing alone, shivering, with no sense of where to go or even of any other living being nearby.
I'm reading yet another book, this one "Women, Food and G-d," by Geneen Roth.  She has been doing non-dieting work for over 30 years.  I bought some of her books in college, started reading, but never finished.  Over the years they have traveled with me.  I've moved about 14 times in the past 20 years, and those books have always come along.  But I've yet to finish one.
This one has just been published, and I'm having a hard time putting it down.  It speaks to me, like it was written just for me.  It makes me realize just how many others there are like me out there. And that is very reassuring!  And Ms. Roth tells us the things we need to hear in a way that is kind and loving, and takes the emphasis off of weight loss and on to the deeper, more important stuff. The stuff that forces us to overeat in the first place.
After so many years, most of my life, spent trying to be thinner and feeling like an unworthy loser, I am finally starting to let go.  To let go of the awful, horrible thoughts I have about myself. To stop seeing myself as a horrible person. 
It's funny; thanks to Facebook I've been able to get in touch with people I haven't seen or heard from in years.  When I first started friending people (new word!  Thanks, facebook!) I was convinced they wouldn't want to hear from me, that they'd ignore my friend requests.  And just the opposite happened! When I post on my page (which is not that often), I get a bunch of replies.  And I've had so many wonderful things said to me, things I never imagined would be said to me except by Hubby.  They tell me that they miss me, that they believe I must be a great mom, that they have a lot of very happy memories of our friendship and our times together.
Seriously, knock me over with a feather!
It makes me wonder how many of us are walking around with these distorted images of not only our bodies, but our beings. How many of us believe we are unworthy?  That if our loved ones REALLY knew us, they'd run in the opposite direction?  How many of us take this self-hatred out on our bodies by dieting, bingeing, cursing our image in the mirror? Buying stuff we don't need or want?  Belittling others? How many destructive habits come from our own loathing of ourselves?
I can look back and figure out where this came from, what the patterns are, who is to "blame."  And that can be important.  But at some point, I've got to stop looking over my shoulder, casting blame on people who truly did the best they could, and take care of my own house.  My Self. 
Sometimes the fear of something is 1,000 times worse than the thing itself.  I often dread going to a workshop, knowing the days will be long and intense.  Then I go, and enjoy it immensely. 
Fearing my feelings is probably worse than actually feeling them.  Will I enjoy them?  Probably not, but they won't be nearly as awful as I've built them up to be in my mind. And once I am able to do it, I can keep on doing it, and they will lose their power over me.
And THAT is what I want.  To be free.  Free to feel, to express, to step out of these shadows and live my life.
Because we are emotional creatures.  We cannot turn off the bad, scary feelings, anymore than we can control the universe.  I have read and heard the Serenity Prayer countless times in my life, and now I am starting to GET IT.

G-d grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Saturday, March 20, 2010


Ah, yes!  My ol' pal! My constant companion since about the age of 3.  Having been born to a Jewish dad and an unofficially converted-to-Judaism Irish Catholic mom, and having an older brother who decided to skip the guilt gene, I think I got more than my fair share of the stuff.
As I mentioned before, I'm reading a book called "The Diet Survivor's Handbook," which is basically Intuitive Eating. They talk about the 5 stages of grief, and how letting go of diets is a grieving process.  It makes sense to me: I lived with the belief, for so long, that being thin would make my life so much better.  Even when I was thin, I wanted to be thinner.  Ironically, when I was at my thinnest I was also at my lowest point emotionally: I was having constant anxiety attacks, I dreaded getting out of bed in the morning, I was anorexic, unmotivated, and just plain depressed.
But, hey, I was thin! I weighed 139 pounds, at 5'9".  I stopped menstruating, couldn't sleep, and couldn't get warm, in La Jolla, in May. But I looked good! Or so everyone told me.  Never mind the circles under my eyes or the sallowness of my skin. Or the fact that one of my instructors (I was in grad school) took me aside and asked if I was OK, because it seemed I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Which, hell, I was! 
But I got through it.  With the help of therapy and my boyfriend (now my Hubby).
But back to the 5 stages of grief: it turns out I'm at the 4th and 5th stages. The 5th stage being Acceptance. Which is a good thing.  When I first started IE, over 2 years ago, I went through what turns out to be very typical reactions.  Things like "Oh, I'll just go on one last diet, lose the weight, THEN start eating intuitively!"  I thought this was a BRILLIANT idea and, golly, why hasn't anyone else thought of this?!?!
Um, yeah.  Pretty much EVERYONE ELSE who's been through the process had already thought of that.
I also realized this morning that it has taken me these 2 years to be ready for it. To finally be at a stage in my life where I can start to trust myself.  Not just with food, but with everything. To have my own opinions without feeling that I have to explain myself.  To trust my instincts. To decide what is best for me and, for now, my kids, who cannot express their own opinions yet in a way that everyone else can understand. To be a voice for them, since they cannot speak very well. To be their advocate.
Because there is a time for negotiation and compromise, and there is a time to just do what needs to be done. I have FINALLY realized that many people will act in their own self-interest, not out of the goodness of their hearts or in the best interest of the community.  Part of this is self-preservation, but more and more I see selfishness. 
Don't get me wrong; when it comes down to the wire, I think the majority of humanity is generous and good-hearted.  When tragedy strikes, most of us want to reach out and help. But there are those who will use fear, intimidation, and, yes, GUILT for their own purposes.  I think we only need to look at things like slavery, the Holocaust, Cambodia, Bosnia and Rwanda to see that.  But even stupid things, like the diet industry, that has a 98% failure rate and STILL manages to make billions of dollars a year by making us feel awful. 
These are the smaller, sneakier things that ruin lives.  By promising us that we CAN be part of that 2% of perfect, thin, and therefore HAPPY segment of the population.  They promise that if we just work hard enough, summon the willpower, stick to the program (usually consisting of bland, awful food, pills, bars, and/or expensive, processed products), our lives will be perfect.  When, inevitably, the program fails, they blame us.  We blame ourselves.
If we bought a car and, oh, I don't know, the accelerator got stuck (Not that THAT would happen! Snark!), would we blame ourselves? Would we think we're just bad drivers? Or that if we were better people, or had more willpower, the accelerator never would have goten stuck?
Um, NO!!!! We (rightfully) blame the manufacturer.  And yet, time and time again, when a diet fails, we blame ourselves for our weak character.  We kid ourselves that our lives will be perfect once we find that perfect diet, get to our perfect weight, fit into those perfect skinny jeans (which, IMHO, should be outlawed, and all existing pairs burned!  I'm a tyrant when it comes to "skinny" clothes).
We no longer believe that there is a wide spectrum of healthy bodies.  The only ideal is a very thin, very UNhealthy one.  For men, the ideal is equally unattainable for 98% of the population, hence the advent of pec, calf, and bicep implants.  And for the folks who are WAY outside of the ideal, well, we find it perfectly acceptable to shame them.  To hate them.  Even to BLAME them for the ills of society.  (Trust me, the increase in healthcare costs has A LOT more to do with insurance companies than with obesity!)
The fact is, it has always been in the best interests of those with the most wealth and power to keep the rest of us fighting amongst ourselves.  Otherwise we might just wake up and realize who is REALLY responsible for our troubles, and we might just band together and go after them.
This is not about politics or religion.  And I realize I may be getting ahead of myself here, but darn it, it's my blog, and it doesn't HAVE to make sense, lol!
What I'm saying is that the diet industry is a behemoth that can only exist if we buy into its lies.  Not only exist, but thrive.  And it is symptomatic of many other issues we're dealing with in the 21st century.  We are being lied to and manipulated, on many sides, by people and organizations who only have their own interests at heart. They sling mud, use scary words and fear to keep us under their thumbs and keep them rich.
And, yes, I'm really, REALLY pi**ed off at my health insurance company right now!  They're starting to make Enron look like the poster child for ethical behavior!

It's at times like this when I log onto LOLDogs and realize that, no matter our difference, most of us like looking at pictures of puppies and kitties.
And that gives me hope for the future!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Happy Birthday, Honey!!!!!!

41 years ago today, Hubby was born, and there was much rejoicing!
And, seriously, he still looks 28!

Love you, Baby!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Lightbulbs Popping All Over the Place

I've had a number of "A-HA" moments (thank you, Oprah, for that phrase.  At least, that's where I first heard it.  I think) over the past 24 hours. Yes, yesterday was a very busy day.
In my voiceover class we worked on narration.  This usually applies to things like industrial videos, Power Point presentations, audio textbooks, that sort of thing.  Basically, you have about 2-3 days to record 500 pages of text, and to make it not boring. It was actually a REALLY fun class, and our instructor for the day, Bob, was terrific.  He gave us great direction, lots of helpful advice, and he's funny.  And PUNNY!  And you know how I love me some puns!!!!!
I was talking to him a bit after class, and he mentioned that I seem a little shy.  And I thought to myself, y'know what? He's right!  Even after all these years, after all that time on stage, I still have a bit of that shyness I had when I was a kid.  Not as much; when I was little, I could barely talk to ANYONE I didn't know really well.  And I still have trouble speaking to new people.  (Yesterday I was at the dog park, and it took me a good 10 minutes to ask another dog owner if their dog was a Malamute.  I LOVE malamutes!  We used to have one.  THE goofiest dog, ever!  And I miss him!!!!)
But it's not just shyness, it's also insecurity.  I started thinking about when I lost all the confidence I had FINALLY developed in my early-to-mid-twenties; no surprise here, but living in L.A. DESTROYED whatever confidence I'd had!  I knew it'd made me insecure about my appearance, but I don't think I fully realized the extent to which living there, and being in "The Business," crushed my soul! To the point where, up until LAST NIGHT, I FULLY believed that I didn't deserve any of the blessings I have because I'M TOO FAT.
Last night I picked up a book that I've had for a while but never read.  It's called "The Diet Survivors Handbook."  After the past few days, I REALLY needed it, and there it was on my bedside table, like a sign from Above.  I opened my drawer to get a book mark, and there was that picture I wrote about recently.  The one in which I look like my dad.  And y'know what?  It's kinda nice!  Yes, I'm chubby.  Yes, I look somewhat zombie-like (no sleep plus no makeup plus post-40 can do that to a person), but it's still a nice reminder of him.
Right after that, I read a passage in the book that says that EVERYONE, no matter what they look like, deserves happiness RIGHT NOW.  NOT twenty pounds from now, right this instant!  I deserve to do the things I've been putting off until I lose weight NOW. I DESERVE to go rollerblading with my son! I DESERVE a day at a spa (if I can afford it)!
And you know what?!?!  I DESERVE TO BE A SUCCESSFUL VOICE-OVER ACTOR!!!!!! WHO CARES what I look like!  And, if I wanted to, I deserve to be a successful STAGE actor again, even with 35 extra pounds!  And, if I wanted to, I deserve to be a successful ON-CAMERA actor! Even though the camera adds 10 pounds!!!! WHO CARES?!?!?!
(And can someone PLEASE tell me why we can invent a camera that instantly translates images to CGI, but we can't invent one that DOESN'T add 10 pounds?!?!?!  Oh, right.  'Cause then producers wouldn't have an excuse to force actresses to lose weight.)
I was thinking about the fact that Hubby still looks pretty much the same as the day we met 15 years ago, and I don't. But then, he didn't carry 2 babies, or have hormonal issues.  And he's just metabolically blessed! He NEVER gains weight, unless it's muscle from rock climbing.  I sometimes wonder if I'm his picture of Dorian Gray; I age and pack on the pounds, while he just stays the same.
Not that he cares!  He still calls me hot, sexy and beautiful, 'cause he's a god among men!
And I have to realize that I DO deserve that!  Why should I be ashamed of myself?!?!?!  I'm active, I'm healthy, I work out ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME,  and, oh yeah, I take good care of my family!!!!! I love fiercely and loyally.  I have a great sense of humor, I love animals, and I'm kind.  Maybe, just maybe, he loves me for all those things, and doesn't give a rat's patootie about my weight!
I am a worthy human being, regardless of my BMI.  And if others don't think so, well, they can take their opinion and they KNOW where they can put it!  I REFUSE to associate with anyone who tries to make me feel badly about myself.  Because I FINALLY realize that I DON'T deserve that!  And it's THEIR loss, 'cause they won't get the pleasure of my company.  So there!  Pppphhhhfffttt!!!!!

I am a chunky, sexy woman!  Hear me roar!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Well, It Happened.

I fell off the wagon.  I got my period, and before you could say "Holy Aunt Flow, Batman!" I was eating cookies, fried rice, pizza, and chocolate. Not exactly the best things to lift the doldrums.
Willpower sucks.  I know that willpower alone isn't enough to help me, and that I NEEEEEEED to get out of this DIET mentality, but I just can't seem to do it!  Maybe I do need more professional help, after all. 


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Conundrums. Conundrae?

What the heck is the plural of "conundrum," anyway?  Am I even spelling it right?

Anyway, I went on Wikipedia to look up biathlons, to see if any exist of just swimming and cycling. Turns out it usually refers to Olympic-style, which is made up of cross-country skiing and shooting.  Rifles.  SO not for me!!!  Gun control laws exist for a reason: to keep guns out of the hands of criminals, yes, but also out of the hands of people like me, aka; klutzes.  I'd end up shooting my own foot off.  The skiing part I can handle, but I should keep both hands on the poles.
There are some summer biathlons, but they combine swimming and running, or cycling and running.  In other words, I can't find combination that eliminates the running part.
So maybe I should just train for a cycling event, instead.
We'll see.
A couple of years ago I went to a Team in Training info meeting.  They will train you do bike a century ride, do a marathon (running or walking), a half-marathon (same), or a tri.  But you must raise a minimum of $5,000, which goes toward cancer research.  An EXCELLENT cause, and an excellent program, but I don't know that I could raise that much money.  Maybe if I was able to advertise it at work...
OK, enough of these particular ramblings.  Let's get on to the other brain vomit for today, shall we?

I LOST MY CELL PHONE!!!!!!  The other day!  I re-traced all my steps, called all the places I'd been, and nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  It's gone.  Now, I'm not one of those folks whose ear is constantly glued to her phone, or is ALWAYS texting. It's not a smartphone, I don't send email on it or surf the web.  There are no apps.  It was free from the company with a 2-year contract. I hardly ever use it.  But it DID have all my contact numbers, and, the worst part, a whole bunch of pix and vids of the kids!  AND my nephew, from when he was a little bald baby dude!
I'm REALLY hoping that it's in the house somewhere, buried under all the schmutz.  I put a temporary block on the number, so if someone DID find it they couldn't use it.  And I ordered new phones for myself and Hubby.  And THIS time, any photo I take will be emailed DIRECTLY to my computer!!!!!

Last night we took the kids ice skating again, and WG is doing so much better!  LG is going to be whizzzing around that rink on his own in a few weeks.  I also found my old skates (from 1996) and had them sharpened.  Good as new!  Oh, and my mom, who was visiting, bought LG his first pair of roller skates!  (He used to have the little plastic ones you snap onto your shoes.  He liked to put them on after his bath, and go naked-empty-bathtub-skating.  Points for creativity!  He would also climb up the outside of the stairs, naked, and call it "wock cwimbing!") So once the ground dries up (it rained A LOT the past couple of days) we're gonna take him out to skate.  He also tried a scooter in the store, and loved it.  Maybe for his birthday in July...

Ok, so I was gonna write something about food, but even I'm sick of hearing about it, so I won't.  Instead, I'm going to take the kids out and enjoy the sunshine.

Have a great weekend!

(P.S., I'm starting a new mat class on Monday!  It's for teachers and staff at the PJCC school!)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tri Tri Again? Or, Y'know, Ever?

Once in a while I'll read something, hear about something, or even do something, and then get a crazy idea.  Once, during a Bikram yoga class, I thought "I should do the 30-day challenge!"  Basically, doing Bikram yoga for 30 days straight.  (There are also 60 and 90-day challenges.)  Now, physically, I think I would've been able to do it.  But then there were things like, oh, work, my family, and the fact that my work consists of teaching fitness classes, and doing 90 minutes of hot yoga PLUS teaching 3 hours of Pilates MIGHT be a bit much.

4 years ago I read about all these running clubs geared toward women, which accepted all levels of runners.  So I started running, thinking I could join a club, get in shape, and make friends.  Except I forgot that I HATE running!  I'm one of those people who counts every second, checking my watch over and over and over, willing time to go by faster so I can just STOP RUNNING!!!! Now, put me on a bike, I'll go all day (as long as I have my padded liners on).  I'll walk for miles.  Spend days in the pool.  But run?  BLECH!!!!
So WHY am I thinking about a triathlon?!?!?!
Blame Rocco DiSpirito.
I just bought his new book, "Now Eat This" (and, no, I'm not getting paid, I have no connection whatsoever to him, except for seeing him on TV), which is full of comfort food recipes, made over to be healthier and 350 calories or less. In the prologue, he writes about gaining 30 pounds (just like me!) and having back pain.  He volunteered to do a triathlon for charity, and has since done many more, losing the weight and then some.  He also appears on "The Biggest Loser," showing contestants how to prepare good, healthy food, which, he says, was a real learning experience for him.
He also mentions that his first tri was a 1-mile swim, 15-mile bike ride, and 3 mile run.  And I thought to myself, "Hey, that sounds doable!"
I also blame Title Nine Sports.  Not the movement, the store. Fitness wear for women.  I drool over their catalogues and sometimes visit the store in Palo Alto.  I've never bought anything, but I want to look like their models, who are "real" women who happen to be incredibly fit and active.  Plus, the clothes are REALLY cute, and very functional. (A reversible bathing suit!  How cool is that! And it doesn't fall apart if you actually go IN the water!)
I also blame my friend Melody, and no, I haven't changed her name to protect her, 'cause she's guilty.  Guilty of completing at least one tri, being incredibly talented, funny, as well as gorgeous, sweet, kind, and having the singing voice of an angel.
If she weren't so awesome, I'd probably hate her.
Oh no I wouldn't!  You CAN'T hate her!!!! She's too awesome!
Anyway, yeah, about 5 years ago she started training for a tri, and completed it.  She emailed us the pictures.  I looked at them, lamenting the fact that I still hadn't lost the baby weight from my second child, who was, at that point, almost 18 months old. 
I was jealous.  I wanted to do something physically excruciating!  Then I remembered, Oh yeah, I'd recently been through childbirth a second time.  And staying awake WAS excruciating!  Plus, I worked out every morning, ran errands with baby girl in tow (have you ever tried getting a car seat in and out of a 2-door car multiple times a day?) then pushed 2 kids in a stroller all over creation every afternoon, AND giving baths every night.  I was doing the Mommy Tri!

But now the kids are older.  They walk on their own, and their pretty good at staying with us and not running away.  We can take them to the playground and actually sit down once in a while. Basically, I can't use them as my workout regimen anymore.
And I'm getting older.  I'm post-40 now, and while, mentally, 40 is the new 12, physically that just isn't the case.
And the fact is, I DO want to challenge myself!  A tri isn't just demanding physically, it is mentally. as well. So, I need some opinions up in here:  anyone do a tri? Want to do one? Training to do one? Am I crazy?  Should I stick with walking? Is whining and kvetching considered part of the training regimen?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Paranoia Strikes Deep

Remember that song by The Kinks called "Paranoia?"  GREAT song!  Although the title above is from a different song, from the 60's.  And this has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm blogging about today.

So I was up this morning at around 3:30 with WG, who is suffering from allergies that wake her up in the middle of the night.  Luckily the tears and screaming had stopped, and she had commenced giggling, which is AWFULLY cute!  Seriously, what's cuter than a little kid laughing like crazy?
I've been ignoring my own advice lately; reading news magazines at the checkout counter (seriously, why can't I just take the sex quizzes in "Cosmo" like a normal person?) and even watching the morning news.  Yesterday I read an article in "Mother Jones."  Yeah, that kinda says it all, doesn't it?  I REALLY should have known better.  Anyway, this article is about a group of people called Oath Keepers, who believe that the Obama administration is minutes away from declaring martial law; they are stockpiling weapons and food, and are ready to take arms against the government.  They've been praised by Pat Buchanan and Glenn Beck.  Many are soldiers, police, and veterans.  According to "Mother Jones," they are a serious threat, not just a fringe group.
OK, I get it.  When fringe groups start to be taken seriously by politicians and the media, it's scary.  But this article made it sound like these folks are going to take over any day now.  And I KNOW I should have taken it with a grain of salt, especially considering the source.  (IMHO, "MJ" is the left-wing, print equivalent of Fox News: Let's take our opinions, backed up by few if any facts and actual research, and report them as truth.) But this is ME we're talking about: I can take ANY situation and immediately expand it to its Worst Case, Nightmare Scenario.
So there I was, thinking about the country, the mess we find ourselves in, the absolute unwillingness of most elected officials in Washington to work with anyone who disagrees with them, and I envisioned the fall of Rome.  I pictured my family being sent to prison camps for mixed-race couples with children. I imagined my IUD being forcibly removed by government agents carrying Bibles. I imagined smuggling my family over the border into Canada, like the Von Trapp family with less harmonizing.
In other words, I went over the top.  As usual.
I REALLY need to do something about this!
Because it's not just politics.  If I'm having trouble, say, making a student loan payment, I imagine our home being taken away,  my family being thrown onto the streets, living in a shelter with Hubby and the kids.
One time a woman in a special needs support group, who happened to be a dentist, mentioned that kids with poor oral health are considered abused.  My son had a cavity, so, naturally, CPS was going to raid our home in the middle of the night, take out kids away, and throw Hubby and I in jail.
I honestly don't know if this behavior is learned, genetic, or both: my dad and paternal grandmother were worst-case-scenario types.  I remember telling my Nana that I was going out on New Year's Eve: she told me to be careful and then said "Oy, I wish it was tomorrow, so I knew you were home safe."  And I have no doubt she spent the entire night picturing me getting into one awful situation after another, all of them ending with me lying dead in a ditch.
My dad didn't want me hanging posters on the ceiling over my bed; he was convinced they would break free from their pushpins, fall on top of me and suffocate me while I slept.  I tried pointing out that a) The posters were not living things, and were most definitely NOT evil spirits looking to do harm and going on killing sprees, b), If a poster DID fall on me while I slept, I would, um, WAKE UP, and c) If by some chance I DIDN'T wake up, I'd still be able to breath just fine.
So, y'see, I never really stood a chance of having a non-paranoid POV.
I've been trying to take cleansing breaths, I'm doing more yoga, and I try to calm my racing thoughts.  Luckily, I'm still in therapy, so I can take this up with her.
I'm also having CRAZY dreams (I know, another surprise).
I'm exhausted!!!!!!!

Hm.  Maybe I DO need those tranquilizers!

Monday, March 1, 2010


In order to help me ease up on my meds, I'm actually taking MORE at the moment!  I've been switched to a liquid concentrated version of the Sertraline (Zoloft).  (Note: when given a liquid form of medication, ALWAYS read the instructions! 'Cause your pharmacist might not tell you that it's supposed to be mixed in with other liquids and not taken straight, and you may find yourself burning your esophagus and your tastebuds practically off your tongue!) I'm also on a low dose of Wellbutrin for 30 days.  Which is having some interesting effects. Insomnia, for one (which is why I'm up writing this at 3:30 in the morning), as well as, um, constipation and some anxiety.  Well, slightly HIGHER levels of anxiety than I normally have.  Which is why he also gave me a few Lorazapam (about 20), which I have yet to take. I MIGHT try it tomorrow night, if I'm still feeling anxious.  But the funny thing is, I get anxious about taking an anti-anxiety drug.  Especially since I'm already taking 2 separate medications already.  Yes, it's all short-term, but I'm anxious and Jewish; I can't help but worry.
Of course, it doesn't help that I am and always have been a drama queen, that WG has been melting down all weekend (she has a loose tooth; I think it might be bothering her, poor thing!), that Hubby had to work all weekend and I took care of the kids, and the dog has fleas.  (Not for long: I sicced some Frontline on their tiny little a**es!  The liquid form, not the PBS news show.)
Let me address the first one.  Yes, I'm a drama queen.  I'm sure THAT comes as a huge shock! I have a wee tendency to take a comment or situation and blow it up out of all proportion. To imagine all sorts of slights and ills directed my way.  Hubby's tired and quiet in the morning?  He must be angry at me!  For some silly little thing, no doubt!  Oh, like maybe the eggs weren't good enough?!?!  Well excuuuuse me, but I'm a little busy here, trying to get breakfast ready for ALL of us, AND get the kids' lunches packed, AND get out of the house in time so the kids won't be late for school, plus I have meetings with their teachers, have to take the kids to their therapy later, AND I'm teaching tonight, so SORRY if the eggs are less than perfect! YEESH!
Then, when I actually stop and ASK HIM if something is wrong, he says "No, Honey.  I'm just trying to wake up.  Need a little more coffee.  Are you OK?" I'll ask if he's mad at me, and he'll say "Of course not! Why would I be?" And he's GENUINELY curious!
Let me tell ya, that is HELL on my righteous indignation!
Especially since he got up before I did, got the kids dressed and ready, started breakfast for them, and actually made himself some oatmeal.  No eggs were even involved!
Maybe I SHOULD start acting again.  At least that way I could save it for the stage!

My brain is a bizarre place, let me tell ya.  I sometimes think that if someone sane and stable (like Hubby, for example) could spend a week as me, with my thoughts and feelings, they'd understand me more.  Or run screaming from me, as fast and as far away as possible.
There is a constant commentary going on in my head.  I believe I once referred to it as something like the Nosy nattering chipmunks that live in my brain.  (I tried to find the post, but couldn't.  I'm actually thinking of heading back to bed soon.  Wish me luck!) I personalize EVERYTHING!!!! If someone cuts me off on the freeway, oooh, Road Rage!  How DARE they?!?!?! What did I ever do to THEM?!?!?!  I try to tell myself that it's, HELLO!, so NOT about me, and that karma (or in this case, CARma) will eventually catch up with  them.  But then there's that whole thing I wrote about in the previous post, about not being a Zen master.  In fact, if there's an opposite of Zen master, that's be me.
Especially on the freeway.

OK, I must be tired, 'cause I'm going off on tangents here. I'm gonna head back upstairs and try to catch 2 more hours of sleep, until it's time to wake up again and start a brand new week.  And a brand new month! Just think, Spring starts in a couple of weeks!

(BTW, did anyone watch the closing ceremonies of the Olympics?  Is it just me, or were they kinda silly?  Although I liked the inflatable moose and [snortgiggle] beavers.)