I've had a number of "A-HA" moments (thank you, Oprah, for that phrase. At least, that's where I first heard it. I think) over the past 24 hours. Yes, yesterday was a very busy day.
In my voiceover class we worked on narration. This usually applies to things like industrial videos, Power Point presentations, audio textbooks, that sort of thing. Basically, you have about 2-3 days to record 500 pages of text, and to make it not boring. It was actually a REALLY fun class, and our instructor for the day, Bob, was terrific. He gave us great direction, lots of helpful advice, and he's funny. And PUNNY! And you know how I love me some puns!!!!!
I was talking to him a bit after class, and he mentioned that I seem a little shy. And I thought to myself, y'know what? He's right! Even after all these years, after all that time on stage, I still have a bit of that shyness I had when I was a kid. Not as much; when I was little, I could barely talk to ANYONE I didn't know really well. And I still have trouble speaking to new people. (Yesterday I was at the dog park, and it took me a good 10 minutes to ask another dog owner if their dog was a Malamute. I LOVE malamutes! We used to have one. THE goofiest dog, ever! And I miss him!!!!)
But it's not just shyness, it's also insecurity. I started thinking about when I lost all the confidence I had FINALLY developed in my early-to-mid-twenties; no surprise here, but living in L.A. DESTROYED whatever confidence I'd had! I knew it'd made me insecure about my appearance, but I don't think I fully realized the extent to which living there, and being in "The Business," crushed my soul! To the point where, up until LAST NIGHT, I FULLY believed that I didn't deserve any of the blessings I have because I'M TOO FAT.
Last night I picked up a book that I've had for a while but never read. It's called "The Diet Survivors Handbook." After the past few days, I REALLY needed it, and there it was on my bedside table, like a sign from Above. I opened my drawer to get a book mark, and there was that picture I wrote about recently. The one in which I look like my dad. And y'know what? It's kinda nice! Yes, I'm chubby. Yes, I look somewhat zombie-like (no sleep plus no makeup plus post-40 can do that to a person), but it's still a nice reminder of him.
Right after that, I read a passage in the book that says that EVERYONE, no matter what they look like, deserves happiness RIGHT NOW. NOT twenty pounds from now, right this instant! I deserve to do the things I've been putting off until I lose weight NOW. I DESERVE to go rollerblading with my son! I DESERVE a day at a spa (if I can afford it)!
And you know what?!?! I DESERVE TO BE A SUCCESSFUL VOICE-OVER ACTOR!!!!!! WHO CARES what I look like! And, if I wanted to, I deserve to be a successful STAGE actor again, even with 35 extra pounds! And, if I wanted to, I deserve to be a successful ON-CAMERA actor! Even though the camera adds 10 pounds!!!! WHO CARES?!?!?!
(And can someone PLEASE tell me why we can invent a camera that instantly translates images to CGI, but we can't invent one that DOESN'T add 10 pounds?!?!?! Oh, right. 'Cause then producers wouldn't have an excuse to force actresses to lose weight.)
I was thinking about the fact that Hubby still looks pretty much the same as the day we met 15 years ago, and I don't. But then, he didn't carry 2 babies, or have hormonal issues. And he's just metabolically blessed! He NEVER gains weight, unless it's muscle from rock climbing. I sometimes wonder if I'm his picture of Dorian Gray; I age and pack on the pounds, while he just stays the same.
Not that he cares! He still calls me hot, sexy and beautiful, 'cause he's a god among men!
And I have to realize that I DO deserve that! Why should I be ashamed of myself?!?!?! I'm active, I'm healthy, I work out ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME, and, oh yeah, I take good care of my family!!!!! I love fiercely and loyally. I have a great sense of humor, I love animals, and I'm kind. Maybe, just maybe, he loves me for all those things, and doesn't give a rat's patootie about my weight!
I am a worthy human being, regardless of my BMI. And if others don't think so, well, they can take their opinion and they KNOW where they can put it! I REFUSE to associate with anyone who tries to make me feel badly about myself. Because I FINALLY realize that I DON'T deserve that! And it's THEIR loss, 'cause they won't get the pleasure of my company. So there! Pppphhhhfffttt!!!!!
I am a chunky, sexy woman! Hear me roar!