Monday, August 11, 2014

Heck Week

And so it begins.

Hubby starts rehearsals tonight for his new show, so he won't be home much for the next 10 weeks.  The kids, of course, are still on summer vacation.  I'm pretty much on my own this week.  Next week my mom's here, and staying at a hotel with a nice pool.  Thankfully, we still have access to the other pool, as well. And tonight, I'll be taking them out for a walk and some ice cream.
Well, they'll have ice cream.  I have my WW weigh-in tomorrow.  :)
The weight loss continues on apace.  Granted, a slow pace, but that's OK.  I'd rather lose it slowly and keep it off than shed it quickly only to gain it all back (and more) again.
Hubby took a picture of me while I was working out the other night, and I'm just gonna say it; I think my body looks pretty darn good!

My face, on the other hand...

Isn't that always the way?  We focus on one thing and then, when that starts looking/feeling better, we notice something else that's "wrong."
See, I think I look old.  But many people, when they meet me, think I'm in my 30's.  Which isn't bad for a chick who just turned 45.
Besides, getting older is a GOOD thing!  Beats the hell out of the alternative, right?  And I'm MUCH happier now than I was was 10 years ago.  Let's not even talk about being 20-something.  URGH!

I'm kinda loving my 40's, overall.

It's true that women tend to become invisible, as far as our society is concerned, once we hit 40.  But I think it's also true that we don't care as much.  Would I like to see more 40-something women in films?  Hell yeah!  Especially paired up with men in their 40's.  I won't start ranting (again) about how many 40-50 year-old men are romantically paired up onscreen with women in their 20's.  Like in the new Woody Allen film.  Although, in that case, I think it has less to do with Hollywood norms and almost everything tho do with HIM...

Do I mind not being catcalled on the street?  Not. Even. A. Little. Bit.  Do I miss the days of being groped, followed, called names, and harassed?
NO WAY!

See, the nice thing is, once you reach a "certain age," you not only get more confident and less self-conscious, you start focusing on the things that matter.  You start doing things to please yourself, to give yourself that sense of accomplishment, and do them less for other people's approval.

So while we may be invisible in the eyes of society at large, we are very much visible to ourselves, and to the people who really matter.

And I realized something else.  The other day I had a REALLY difficult time.  It was one of THOSE days, in which not only was everything going wrong,  I fell into one of my deep, dark, dank, dreary, dungeon-like doldrums.  I was quite, quite down, to paraphrase Ophelia.  :)
By the following evening, however, I'd rallied.  And by the NEXT day, I was perfectly content.  Because I learned some things.  I won't get into all the details, but it made me recognize that, for one thing, NOTHING is permanent.  Not happiness, not sadness, not anger, hunger, life, etc.  And that going through the bad stuff helps one get to the good stuff.  I felt the sorrow/depression/anger/jealousy/hopelessness/fatigue of those couple of days very deeply, which allowed me to get over it and feel the gratitude/happiness/faith/love that followed. And to feel them all deeply, as well.

I've long thought of myself as a depressed, anxious person.  But I'm not.  Not really.  I am a person who has some depression and anxiety.
And that's COMPLETELY different!

When I talk about my kids, I don't say they're autistic, I say they have autism.  Because "autistic" dismisses them, whereas "they have autism" describes a part of them.  So if I think of myself as "anxious" and "depressed", I'm dismissing MYSELF as someone who just has a bunch of symptoms and isn't worth the time or effort.
Except that I AM worth it.  I'm a whole lot more than a bunch of symptoms that rear they're heads every so often.  I'm also funny, good at puns, passionate, talented, loyal, loving, honest, and (mostly) kind.  Why should ALL THAT be overshadowed by the "negative" stuff?

And, as it turns out, a bit to my surprise, I am perfectly capable of being genuinely happy for someone whose dreams, very similar to mine, have come true, while mine have wasted away.  It's just that I have to wallow for a bit in my jealousy, get it out of my system.  :):):):):):)

Because the "negative" stuff doesn't go away just because we want it to.  Ignoring it only makes it stronger.  If my kid is having a meltdown from sensory over-stimulation, I need to hold him/her and soothe.  Because it's not done for attention.
If I'm feeling badly, it's because something needs to be dealt with. The sooner, the better.

I think I'm finally starting to get it. On more than an intellectual level.

And, hey, it only took 45 years!

2 comments:

Geosomin said...

This whole post sounds so positive. I love it. :)

azusmom said...

:)