Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Facing the Music

(What exactly does that phrase mean? I mean, I know how we use it, but where did it come from? What's the original meaning?)
One thing I've known for a while is that food does not fill the empty, sad, scared, bored, etc. places in my life.
But knowing that never stopped me from trying!
Until today. It finally dawned on me, as I was doing laundry, that I was feeling anxious and DIDN'T want to eat anything! That's gotta be a first!
My next thought was "Food isn't gonna help. And I'm not hungry. Whatever is missing,I need to find it within myself."
My immediate thought after that was "Crap."
Because now I have to figure out WHAT it is I need and HOW to go about getting it!
It also means I need to figure out exactly what the heck is going on in my psyche.
For a long time, as long as I can remember, food has been my drug of choice. Sometimes, I'd eat it, sometimes I'd deny myself, and sometimes I'd eat it then throw it back up. But it was always there.
There have also been times when I filled my days with endless activities, keeping myself so busy I didn't have time to deal with anything going on inside me.
Which ultimately led to a near nervous breakdown while I was a grad student.
See, I've been living in a constant state of anxiety since I was a kid. Because that's what I knew. And I was often rewarded for it, especially in my former profession. (They like 'em neurotic!)
But after a while it wasn't working for me anymore. It was working against me. So I worked really hard to change. And I DID change.
But there was still the Food Issue.
So now, after reading a bunch of books and doing a lot of soul searching, it's time, at long last, to face it, and all my other issues, head on.
Luckily, I have a therapist. A lovely therapist. She's really great, and she LOVES what she does. So I love going to see her. And she's effective.
Tonight, as I was teaching my class, I looked at myself in the mirror and, sadly, thought "Ew!" And I was embarrassed. Because, in my mind, a fitness instructor shouldn't look like THAT.
But then I looked at my class. There were 19 people there, and they come back, week after week. So they must be getting SOMETHING out of it, right? And God knows I enjoy teaching it! So what I'm trying to do, from this point on, is to look at my fat and see not ugliness or beauty or put any kind of judgement on it. Instead, it is a visible sign of my internal stuff. Not good, not bad, just there.
And I'll deal with it all.


neversaydiet said...

that took a lot of guts to put out there, especially the part abou tnot liking what you saw in the mirror last night. We are so hard on ourselves, it's not even funny. I go through the same spells - today, i got on the scale for now reason at all and even though i know in my heart that numbers fluctuate wildly day to day, the fact that it was four pounds higher than the last time i got on threw me for a mental loop. I'm off to see my therapist in an hour and am making him make me sign a little note promising to not get on for the next few weeks. Like a child.

azusmom said...

Thank you!!!!!!!
(BTW, I've been trying to post comments on your blog for the past few days, but my computer isn't letting me. So I'm reading, I just can't comment! I'll figure it out, though!)

Charlotte said...

first - I've been having the same commenting problem at Leslie's site.

Second - Congrats on your breakthrough! I love what you said about living in anxiety pretty much since birth. That's me to a T! I'm hoping someday to achieve the level of peace with food and my body that you have. Keep up the great work! You are an awesome example!! (Which is one reason why your students keep coming back! The other, of course, is that you are a fab Pilates teacher!1)