Sunday, April 5, 2009


I guess part of dealing with all the stuff that I've been avoiding is facing the fear. Fear of what, exactly, I can't even say. It just seems to be there, and it is pervasive. Huge. I've been so afraid of so many things for so long. For a long time it was a huge struggle to get out of bed in the morning. And I thought it was normal. I thought everyone was afraid to go to school, to go through their days, to live their daily lives.
Then I found out that it wasn't. Many people were not afraid. That the way I lived was not "normal." And I didn't have to live that way.
It has taken me many years, and a lot of tears, anger and grief, to find some semblance of peace. But I'm not done. I want more. I need more.
I need to learn to take care of myself without guilt. I take care of my family, my clients, my colleagues. I work and I don't take a break. I'm either at work, at home with the kids, or at the grocery store. I don't have any friends nearby. I don't have a social life. And, honestly, I don't have anyone to blame for this but myself.
And I don't know that "blame' is even the right word. I've been so caught up in taking care of the kids, making sure they were in the right classrooms, had all the services they need, and just the daily care. Then I was busy with my teacher training. Lately I've been preparing for yoga teacher training, continuing my pilates education, working, and training for voice-over work. All things I REALLY want to do. But I need...more. Not more scheduling, not more STUFF to do, not things that will "improve" me or make me lose weight or whatever. More for ME. I need to know, to REALLY know, for myself, that I am good enough. Now. Just as I am, right now.
THAT'S the hardest part! And maybe the root cause of all the fear.
Because what if I'm not?


Charlotte said...

Oh sweetie! Yet again, you said what I think! All of it. I could say the same. It took me forever too to realize that not everybody lives their life on the razor's edge that I do and that I don't have to either. Of course knowing something and acting on it are entirely different... Thanks for sharing the struggle.

Crabby McSlacker said...

That fear of "not being good enough..." that's a tough one. Because all the people in the world who know how wonderful you are can tell you that over and over and it won't make any difference until you believe it yourself.

But it sounds like you are taking all the right steps to get there! So glad you have a wonderful therapist, and it sounds like you are bravely facing your fears. You'll find more peace and self-love eventually, I just know it.