Friday, August 13, 2010

This Boat is Actually Pretty Crowded

I just watched a clip, posted on, of Stephanie Dolgoff, author of "My Formerly Hot Life."  She's 42 (I believe) and writes about being not as young or as hot as she once was. And, boy, can I relate!
Now, my own hotness lasted for a total of MAYBE 5 years, so I'm not comparing myself to her in that sense.  But she talks about her belly pooch that won't go away NO MATTER WHAT, the flabby triceps that no amount of weight training gets rid of, and goes on to say that if they made a bra for asses, she would totally buy one:  "I would wear an ass bra."
Me, too, Ms. Dolgoff.  Me too.
Which brings me back to the realization that, despite what Hollywood and legions of plastic surgeons would have us believe, we are NOT SUPPOSED to be "hot" our entire lives!!!!  If we were, we would be!  I'm not saying we should stop taking care of ourselves, but there's a big difference between taking care and starving ourselves into our teenage daughters' clothes!
Y'know what I think?  I think we need to redefine what "hot" is! Why should it be something that only 2% of the population can achieve, and for only a few years during their lives? you know what's hot?  A dad taking care of his kids, THAT'S hot! A gesture of kindness.  A woman out having fun with her kids.  A long-term couple out on a date. A person giving someone else flowers "just because."
Frankly, when I lived in Los Angeles, I knew a large number of conventionally hot, sexy people.  Most of them were NO FUN to be around, believe you me! They were overly concerned about what to eat, so you couldn't go out for a meal with them. You couldn't talk to them, because their entire conversational skills revolved around their workouts and whether or not you would sleep with them if you were single.  They tended to vacillate between insecurity and conceitedness.  So, yes, they were nice to look at, but spending more than 5 minutes with them would drive you toward homicidal tendencies.
I remember seeing an interview with a so-called "relationship expert."  This guy was in his 40's, had never been married, and was single.  How the Hades that made him a relationship expert is beyond me, and if he were female they'd be calling him a "spinster", but I digress. He was quite good-looking, but 10 seconds into the interview it became abundantly clear WHY this guy was single!  Can you say "narcissist?"  10 seconds!!!!! And THEN he was asked if he'd ever date a woman who had kids.  His response? "Well, it would depend on whether or not she's been able to keep herself in shape."  Not a single word about whether or not HE COULD GET ALONG WITH HER KID!!!!
So, WHY do we put so much emphasis on hotness?  How is it that those of us who are less-than-stellar, looks-wise, still manage to get married and have happy families? Why do we equate beauty with morality? Why am I eating food that makes me feel sick but promises to help me lose weight?  Is the suffering worth the weight loss?
And there are WAY more of us in the not-hot category than in the latter.  I realize I'm STILL caught up in this mindset of  "thinner = better life."  But does it?  DO I REALLY NEED to lose 45 pounds?  Last time I was at that weight I was anorexic, fer Pete's sake! Wouldn't 30 do just as well?  It would relieve the aches and get rid of the heartburn.  Isn't that good enough?  I've NEVER been comfortable in a bikini; why do I feel I have to strive for that NOW?!?!?!
Why are we so cowed by this ridiculous standard of beauty?  As I said, there are more of us than there are of them, and we weight more.  We could TOTALLY take them!
Or better yet, set them free from their self-made prison.
So this is me, setting MYSELF free.  Yes, I want the 30 pounds I've gained gone.  I want to be rid of the acid reflux and the back pain.  I want to be around a LOOOOOONG time, and will do everything in my power to make that happen.  But I will NOT try to re-shape myself into someone else's ridiculous ideal.  I'm too old, too tired and, frankly, too busy for that crap. 
I answer to myself. 

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