Friday, August 6, 2010

I WILL Grow Up.

DO you know that song "I Won't Grow Up" from the stage musical of "Peter Pan?" I LOVED that song as a kid, and got to sing it onstage with my fellow 9 and 10 year-olds in our youth production of the show.  It was my favorite part, lol!
Well, things change.  I realized recently that I have been afraid to grow up.  Because then there would be no one to blame if things didn't go as planned. It has led to a lot of procrastination on my part, in so many areas; a house full of clutter, bills not paid on time, paperwork undone, etc. Plus, I think my food issues are definitely related to my fear of responsibility.
But things have changed; yesterday I went to the dentist (woo-hoo!) and was able to pay my entire bill, myself, and it was a GREAT feeling.  NOT putting on my credit card, NOT having to pay in installments, NOT having to worry about how and when the bill would be paid.
(I also found out that my teeth are in nowhere NEAR as bad a state as I had assumed, which is nice.  It's also great to not feel guilty when those 1-800-DENTIST ads come on, lol!)
So as I lay awake at 4 AM (thank you AGAIN, PMS!), I started thinking about what I really want.  Over the past few years I've learned a lot about what I DON'T want, but couldn't figure out what I DO want.  Oh, I had PLENTY of ideas and dreams, never a problem for me, lol!
Because I'm a bit of a spaz, I have lots of great ideas but little knowledge of how to follow through sometimes. (I've often wondered if I'm a bit ADD.)
But there are some things I definitely know that I want: to be able to take care of my family without worrying, every month, if we'll have enough money to pay the bills, without robbing Peter to pay Paul. To have a steady, reliable income that pays for more than just the mortgage.  To have, in a word, STABILITY.
I realize that these are tough times.  Many people are out of work, a lot of folks can't pay their bills or feed their kids, but my instability is not just the fault of the economy.  I have been too unstable for too long, and it is time to knuckle down.
A few years ago I had a dream to teach at a university.  Not necessarily full-time, but one or two classes each semester.  I let that dream go because there was so much competition for each job, and I felt (as usual) that I wasn't worthy.  But a funny thing happened as I was sending out my resume to various theaters around town last week; I realized I have quite an extensive, and impressive, teaching resume! And now that I'm a bit older, I believe I'll be taken a bit more seriously. Unlike the time when I was subbing at Cal State Pomona for a semester, and the lady at the parking office gave me an undergraduate parking pass.  I had to call the department and have them vouch for me, to let her know that yes, indeed, I was a faculty member. Good for my vanity, but not so much for my faculty street cred.
Granted, there aren't that many teaching jobs available at the university level right now, but if the economy ever recovers, there will be in the future.
I'm also pondering, again, drama therapy.  I already have a Masters in drama, so it would mean going back to school for a counseling degree.  One of my favorite people in the world, a man who'd been my mentor when I was young, works with people in a mental facility.  He gives classes and directs plays, and  at the end of every rehearsal he tells them "Do me a favor, don't kill yourself tonight.  I don't want to have to re-cast your role." And they LOVE him for that!  Because they know he actually cares deeply about them, and they need a little injection of humor now and again.
If I can combine my passions I think I'd be a very happy camper.( I still love teaching Pilates, and want to continue.)  After all, don't we all want a career we enjoy AND can make a decent living at?  If I can do that and maybe help some folks along the way, life will be even more satisfying.
It is finally, FINALLY, about what I want, and not about pleasing someone else, or trying to prove anything to anyone. 

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