Thursday, August 19, 2010

Poor Me?

I have a tendency to grouse.  A lot.  In case you hadn't noticed, lol!
I'm always tired.  There's never enough time, or money, or whatever.  I'm too fat.  I'm ugly.  I'm undisciplined.  Lazy. There's so much wrong with me!  Wah!!!!
The truth is, I am none of those things.  OK, chubby, but not the others.  OK, well, tired and short on time and cash.  But that's IT!
I'm certainly not undisciplined, and not lazy!  I take care of my family AND I work.  I have 2 degrees and am going for a very intense certification.  I'm looking at going back to school, as well.  I am interviewing left and right for even more work! 
And one thing I am DEFINITELY NOT is a victim!  I'm tired of seeing myself that way.  A victim of an eating disorder, less-than stellar genes, a society that doesn't understand me, etc. 
Gol-ly!  Could I make it more about ME?!?!?!  I don't think so!
See, I was filling out a survey about eating disorders, and I realized that I just don't want to identify myself that way anymore.  Don't get me wrong; EDs are serious and often deadly, and the more awareness we have about them the better.  It's sick and horrifying that so many women and men torture themselves, sometimes to death, this way.  But I realize that, at this stage of my life, I can no longer identify myself as a victim of an ED.  Because it keeps me in that place, in that out-of-control space where the only thing I felt I could do was either binge and purge or deny myself. 
I am powerful.  I have control over my life, my impulses, and myself. Food, or the lack of it, is not control for me, not anymore.  It won't make me powerful, or strong, or happy.  It's just food.  Nourishment.  I realize I have been asking an awful lot of food for as long as I can remember; to be my friend, my solace, my companion in my loneliness.  I have also punished it, calling it "bad" and hating it for making me fat. And, like the worst of dysfunctional relationships, I keep coming back to it, expecting it to love me unconditionally no matter how I treat it.
Well, lately food has been letting me know what's up: it will no longer be my crutch.  It does NOT love me unconditionally.  In fact, oftentimes it gives me pain.  Literally.  Food is declaring that it will no longer be my enabler. It will be there for me when I truly need it, but it is cutting the emotional baggage cord.
Food is growing up.
And so am I.
There is so much in my life to be grateful for.  I am SO blessed.  It's time to start remembering that, and to stop with the "woe is me" crap, already.
So...there. Ha!
I'm a grownup!

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