Sunday, August 8, 2010


So just as my back is FINALLY starting to get better, I throw my, um, neck out. I suppose I just slept in an awkward position, but I woke up in pain yesterday, just in time to sub my first class at Crunch.  So SOMETHING is going on with me!  It's most likely part of this whole feel-your-emotions, let-go-of-crap stuff. I'm trying to remember if the right side of the body is connected to the left side of the brain or whatever.  'Cause I am DEFINITELY a right-brained kinda gal, lol!
Yesterday I kept thinking "I'm tired of being in PAIN!!!!!"  I've been in some kind of pain for about 4 months.  Something is DEFINITELY going on in my subconscious, manifesting itself as aches and pains.  'Cause I'm not as young as I used to be, but I'm not a senior citizen yet, lol!  I also think it's related to my weight.  I never had these aches and pains when I was lighter.  Or had acid reflux. Yeah, fun.
So then I wondered if I should go back to the dreaded Jenny Craig.  That idea was immediately nixed because I can't afford it, I REALLY don't want to eat that food, and it doesn't last.  Yes, the weight comes off quickly, but it comes back on once you go off the program.  And I am NOT eating that crud for the rest of my life!
In the Geneen Roth online retreat she told us we need to prioritize.  I need to figure out what is most important.  Is it more immediate that I lose weight, or that I get my life back together?  At the time I thought "Well, obviously, I want my life back!  I want my SELF back.  I don't want to live my life obsessed with food, calories, and weight."  And that is still true. 
I also don't want my weight to hold me back. As I've said before, I'm tired of being the fat fitness instructor.  I'm tired of having people walk out of my classes (like someone did yesterday, 40 minutes into it.  I mean, really?  Ya can't stick it out for the last 20 minutes?  And it's not like she had an appointment, 'cause I saw her at the end of the class, and she wouldn't look me in the eye.  Yeah, that's right honey; just keep walkin'! [Can you tell what time of the month it is?]), and having my classes canceled. I hate the way people do the not-so-indiscreet scan of my body when I tell them what I do for a living, followed by the look of disbelief.  I KNOW I "shouldn't" let it get to me, but it does.  A lifetime of body hatred isn't going to go away in a matter of months, and definitely not without a lot of hard work on my part.
This time, when the weight comes off, I don't want it to be something that just sorta happens without my knowing how and why.  And I REALLY don't want that dysmorphia I've had in the past where I'm thin but still think I'm heavier. When the weight comes off, I want the neuroses to go with it. And no amount of Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers is gonna do THAT.
So I guess I have my answer.
And I suppose this pain, physical and psychological, is part of the process, too.  Like when a smoker quits, and they have to get rid of all that stuff that's built up in their lungs.  Or any recovery process.  I have to remind myself that it gets worse before it gets better.  And that it WILL get better as long as I stick with the process.  Going back to dieitng will only prolong the recovery.
And I REALLY DON'T want THAT!!!!!!!
So, every time someone walks out, or gives me that Look, or a class is canceled, I have to remember that it is ALL happening for a reason.

Kinda like what WG is going through.  We've started her on time-outs, and it's a difficult process for all of us.  Just like it was with LG a couple years ago.  We need to keep reminding ourselves that even though she is nearly 7, for all intents and purposes she is basically an 18 month-old.
And the fact that her 2 front teeth are in the process of going out and coming in doesn't help her, poor thing!

So.  Patience, kindness, and trust. 
And the occasional freakout.
It'll be fine.

1 comment:

Merry said...

So. Patience, kindness, and trust.
And the occasional freakout.
It'll be fine.

It will be fine.
Trust me :)