My Kids Totally Rock (Climb)!

The other day we went with WG and her class on a field trip. We thought it was rope climbing, but it was actually something much more fun! The older kids (1st graders) went on a zip line, while the kindergarteners (including WG) went flying. They wore harnesses which were attached to a rope, which was then pulled by a group of folks (including Hubby) until they flew high up into the air. WG was scared at first, but as soon as her feet left the ground she had THE BIGGEST smile on her face!!!!! It was SO CUTE!!!!! Everyone there gave a collective "Awwwwww!" I got a picture of it on my phone, I just need to figure out how to post it here.
I've probably mentioned that she had physical therapy a few years ago because she had trouble with basic skills like climbing stairs or even moving from one surface to another (like cement to grass). Well, now she's running full-tilt, climbing, going up stairs with alternating legs, throwing and catching a ball, and playing like any other kid. The other day I found her sitting on the counter happily munching nutter butters that she got herself. (I was of two minds on that one: yay for all the successful motor planning, not so much on the stuffing-her-face-with-cookies part.)
She has come SO FAR in tha past couple of years! I'm so amazed at both of our kids!
Hubby and I were just talking about our son (LG) and how far he, too, has come. He was just the opposite of WG. He practically came out of the womb running. He was a wild man! To the point where we were hugely concerned with his safety, as he would (like many little boys) run off whenever possible. Into the street, a parking lot, out of the house. There was the one time he took off and went INTO THE POOL which, for some reason, wasn't locked. (There's a gate around it, and all the residents have a key.) Luckily he knows how to swim, and he was sitting on the stairs when Hubby found him. But it took about 20 years off of our lives.
These days he'll still, once in a while, try to sneak out, but he stays on the deck. And usually he does it when one of us is already out there, so we can keep and eye on him. And he doesn't run off anymore. The other day I was running errands with the kids, and didn't have to hold his hand. He stayed with us! A couple of years ago that would have been inconceivable!
Now he has his own version of rock climbing, which consists of climbing on the back of the couch, traversing over to the TV stand, climbing on top of THAT, and jumping to the floor.
He used to take off his pants (and pull-ups) and climb up the outside of the banister. He'd get to the top, yell "Wock Cwimb!" and jump to the bottom.
Naked rock climbing. It's the new black.
He also did naked rollerskating in the bathtub. And naked tap dancing in the foyer.
Nowadays he keeps (most of) his clothes on.
And he's MUCH calmer. THANK GOD!!!!!
I'm one proud Mommy!
And now, on a completely different topic, I have an embarassing confession. Yesterday I started teaching a new Intro Pilates class for staff at the JCC. They're a great group of folks, and I think the class went very well.
Except for one thing.
I lay down on the reformer and raised my knees to do the Hundred. Then I coughed.
And, um, made an emission.
Yup.
I farted.
In class.
Way to make a first impression, eh?
I am so HUGELY humiliated!!!!!!
But it's also REALLY FUNNY!!!!
I said "Pardon me" between more coughing, and continued the class.
I just hope they show up next week.

Um, that's supposed to be WEE girl, not WE girl.

It's Swine Flu? More Like Whine Flu!

So now I'm wondering if our little guy (LG, for short) had swine flu the other week. Usually when he gets sick he gets over it pretty quickly. I think it comes from the fact that my SIL, a nurse, lived with us for the first 2 years of his life. He was probably exposed to every virus out there.
But during this last bout he had a fever that lasted almost 4 days. He was low-energy (for him, which meant he was only climbing halfway up the walls), and it just seemed to cling to him for the entire week. Of course, this was before we'd heard about swine flu, so we didn't rush him off to the doctor. We just kept him inside and gave him lots of fluids. And by Monday, he was fine.
Our we girl (WG) had had a cold earlier, but her allergies are what have been awful for her! She's feeling good, has energy, but is congested beyond belief. She's also been napping, which she normally doesn't do.
Now, Hubby; he's had it BAD! Not swine flu, thank goodness, but maybe regular flu. Aches, chills, fever, coughing, etc. He's feeling better. I've been coughing up my internal organs and feeling tired, but I'm hoping to stave off any sickness with more Zicam. Especially since I'm starting a BRAND SPANKIN'-NEW Pilates class tomorrow!!!! It's for staff at the JCC, and I'm excited and nervous.
OK, gotta go get ready. Hubby and I are going to WG's class field trip. Rope climbing in Santa Cruz! ((Next week- equestrian therapy!!!! They're gonna ride horsies!)
Oh, and go see John Cho (and all the other folks, but we don't know them) in "Star Trek" on May 8th!!!!!!!! WOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Mommy Needs a Vacation. NOW!!!!!!!

Last week our son was on spring break, and, as I've mentioned previously, he was sick the entire time. Turns out that most of the kids in his class had the same thing. I guess it was a flu, since it just held on and they all had pretty high fevers that lasted 4 days. We didn't get him his flu shot last fall (our daughter got one, and so far so good). Hubby was camping and climbing in Yosemite with his buds for 4 days, and I taught 8 classes. Our daughter's bus company sent a substitute driver all week, who showed up at 7:05 instead of 7:20 every morning. And it's been 90+ degrees for the past couple of days here!!!! YOWZA!!!!!!!
Oh, and I should be getting my monthly visitor any minute.
I need a vacation.
Which isn't gonna happen, so I'm thinking of treating myself to a massage. The last vacay I took was over New Year's 2007. (I'm not counting the trips to Boston last summer when my dad was dying. Not really a vacation, y'know?)
Maybe I'll even go to a day spa. It's a little pricey, but less so than going away somewhere. Ideally I'd take off to wine country, but I don't really think that's doable.
Unless...it is?
Hmmmm...now I've got myself thinking. It could be a day trip. It's only about 90 minutes away.
But I digress. This is actually part of a bigger issue: my ol' pal GUILT!
See, I don't do things like get massages or take time away from the kids all that often because I feel guilty. I'm sure many of us, especially if we're a) FEMALE and b) MOMS are familiar with this feeling. We're not SUPPOSED to do stuff just for us! We're SUPPOSED to exist for our kids, families, friends, significant others, and pets. (Seriously, when you leave the house, the LOOKS you get from the dog, cat, bird, fish, etc.! The "You'releaving?whereareyougoing?don'tabandonme!whatwill Idowithoutyou?whenareyoucomingback?youAREcomingback,arentyou?" look just KILLS me!)
Last night my in-laws came over to watch the kids. Hubby was leaving for school and I was leaving to sub a class. My son got upset and started saying "Bye Mama! Bye Papa!" (his names for his grandparents) and clinging to me.
Oh, the guilt!!!!!!
Of course, by the time I came home, he was happily playing with his toys, sitting on the floor next to Papa.
My daughter had been sleeping. She woke up soon after we left and cried, um SCREAMED for half an hour.
Of course, my first impulse is to say "That's it, I'm never leaving home without the kids. EVER!!!!"
But that's not really healthy. For me OR the kids.
So I kinda need to GET. OVER. THE GUILT.
Whether it's over doing something for myself, eating actual food, speaking up, or WHATEVER. Guilt is sometimes a useless emotion.
Now I'm gonna go eat a cookie and see my shrink.

Sucky+Sucky DOES NOT = Good!

I know I've been pretty clear on my feelings about commercial diet programs (hello, disordered eating!), and I've already posted a rant about ads (90% are dumb. Unless they have puppies or kitties. Or horsies.) But ADS for COMMERCIAL DIET PROGRAMS just may be my own personal version of hell. Along with copiers that run out of toner and still don't work after you've replaced the cartridge. You know, the ones that STILL say "out of toner" for an hour afterwards, just when your boss is screaming that she needs 400 copies of her presentation RIGHT NOW!
Oh, and traffic on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles. 'Cause it doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, it's ALWAYS congested!
Anyway, I read recently that the voiceover for those godawful Weight Watchers commercials (with the cute little fuzzy hunger guy, who really should be treated better than he is in those ads) is...wait for it...Janeane Garafalo!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But then I continued to read. She says she needs the work. She also says that she has lost A LOT of weight recently in order to keep working, and that she feels like she has sold out. And she's very clear that it's all about her career; she's very honest about the fact that she is not healthy, drinking LOTS of coffee and smoking more than ever. Adding to the the problem, as I see it, is that she has also committed the cardinal sin of turning 40 a few years ago.
Yeah, how dare she? Persue a career in TV and film when she's so OLD!!!!!!
But I wish she wouldn't. Hurt herself, that is. I wish she'd either leave Hollywood or just be who she is.
I also saw a Nutri-System ad, in which the female TV personality says "I know I'm not an average girl. I LOVE sports!" Um, excuse me?!?!?! Then a football comes sailing towards her and *gasp!* SHE ACTUALLY CATCHES IT!!!!!! OMG!!!! After which she says "How many girls can do THAT?"
Um, I can do that, AND I'M A KLUTZ!!!!!!!!
And, uh, how about all those FEMALE ATHLETES?!?!?!?! Professional, amateur, high school? I'm guessing they pretty much love sports, too. Surely even the ad agencies have heard of Title Freakin' Nine!!!!!!
So here we are, in 2009, and we still have the same old stereotypes. Girls don't like sports. Women should do everything intheir power to get skinny. Hunger is BAD!!!!! It must be ignored or, better yet, fought into submission!!!!! Not like it's a natural bodily function that helps us to survive, or anything.
Oh. And this morning, online, I saw a story about a gay elephant.
Yup. In a European zoo they've built a huge elephant enclosure, brought in 5 females and a male, and are trying to increase the population. Problem is, the stud doesn't seem to be too interested in the ladies, and a local conservative politician is peeved.
So, I had a couple of thoughts: for one thing, they said that the elephant is 10 years old, and elephants don't hit "puberty," as it were, until 14. So it's kinda like the difference between being in elementary school, when girls are ickygrossstupid, and middle school, when girls are weirdbutcute. Secondly, if it turns out the elephant IS gay, then doesn't that mean that homosexuality is NATURAL, something people (and elephants) are BORN with? After all, I highly doubt this elephant has been going out to gay bars with friends, being "corrupted" by the media into believing that it's an "acceptable lifestyle." It's not like he has a CHOICE.
So, gay elephant=proof that homosexuality is normal and natural, right?
I guess this means we'll just have to repeal Proposition Hate-I mean-8.
Sorry to get all political here, but some things just pi** me off. And bigotry, nasty stereotypes, and Hollywood are three of them.

Made It! (Barely)

On Sunday I took a Bikram class in the morning. Then crashed on the couch for the rest of the day.
That night, our daughter woke up and had a meltdown. As soon as she calmed down, our son woke up with a fever. So, no sleep there.
The next morning, our daughter's school bus had a substitute driver and went to the wrong house. When I called the dispatcher, he insisted the driver was at the right address, even though I kept telling him that I was STANDING OUTSIDE AND IT'S PRETTY HARD TO MISS A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS!!!!! So my husband ended up taking her to school. She was there for 5 minutes, took a good look around, and proceeded to have another meltdown. It was the first day back from spring break, she didn't want to be there, and she let it be known.
Our poor liitle boy is on spring break. We had all these fun things planned, but he's been sick!!!!
That evening I subbed a class. Everyone slept well, except for Ms. PMS-Hormonal (that'd be me).
So, no sleep there.
Tuesday morning I subbed another class. I called my daughter's school to see how she was doing, and she was very happy. Yay!
Later, she tucked herself into her bed and took a nap. Then our poor, still feverish son curled up on my lap and fell asleep. So I figured what the hey, and fell asleep, too. Because I had another class to sub that night.
It was also REALLY windy. I took the dog out for a walk, and we almost flew away. And neither one of us is a lightweight!!!!
Last night (cue chorus of angels singing!) EVERYONE SLEPT!!!!!!
I subbed two classes this morning, back-to-back. Then came home and fell asleep on the bed, with our daughter next to me watching "Baby Einstein."
Woke up, made dinner, and taught my regular mat class. (Today was my craziest day, hence the title of this entry, 'cause I made it all the way through.)
Hubby leaves for a camping trip tomorrow. It'll be me and the kids for four days, and I'm hoping I can STAY AWAKE!!! I'm subbing ONE class tomorrow and have ONE class on Friday, then I'm off for the weekend. I keep having visions of falling into a Charlotte-like coma, in which I'm sound asleep on the floor while the kids destroy the house.
I'm also hoping our son feels better, our daughter has few meltdowns (dare I hope for NONE?), that the winds ease up so her allergies won't bother her so much, that hubby and friend have a great time, and all is well.

More Rules to (Not) Live By

I don't know if it's a coincidence, but over the past few weeks I have been bombarded by articles and advice for everything from what kind of medicine to take (or not take) to career goals to what kind of curves are "acceptable" on a woman. (Thanks to Leslie at "Never Say Diet" for a GREAT post on that last one!)
Remember that book "The Rules," in which a couple of women wrote about how to "catch" a guy and get him to marry you? There was this big brouhaha, because it basically set the Womens' Movement back 20 years. (I never read it, but didn't the authors all end up getting divorced?)
A few weeks ago, during my PT training, the instructor told us some of the dangers of both prescription and OTC drugs. While I agree that many of the side effects are scary, he's also a man and has never had PMS. Sorry, but when the abdominal and LEG cramps kick in, not allowing me to sleep, I'm reaching for the ibuprofin! And if it's a choice between taking anti-depressants and contemplating suicide, I'll take the pills.
I want to be a yoga instructor. I also want to be a voiceover artist. I can't do both right now. So, unfortunately, the yoga instructor training is going to have to wait. The fact is, and I never thought I'd say this, there are more opportunities in the V.O industry right now than there are in yoga. So I'll take my yoga classes and hope that I can rake in enough dough doing V.O. to be able to become an instructor.
Finally, my body is my business. I've FINALLY learned this after YEARS of believing that my body was not only a commodity, but public property, open to comments and crticism from friends and strangers alike. If I was hasseled while wearing a certain outfit, I never wore that outfit again. If I was told I was too fat, I went on a diet. If people made comments about my boobs, I wore baggy clothes.
I've been very clear that I'm not happy with my weight right now. But it goes deeper than that. I HAVE to learn to love myself UNCONDITIONALLY!!!!!! To stop believing that anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault. That I'm only loveable when I'm perfect. I HAVE TO LEARN THAT IT IS OK FOR ME TO BE HUMAN!
Denying myself food is not a virtue. Deprivation is NOT a good thing. My breasts, my belly, my thighs are NO ONE ELSE'S business!
My husband strokes my stomach and tells me I'm beautiful. My kids lie in my lap for comfort. My clients return week after week to my class. Why can I not see this?
Yesterday, at Bikram yoga, I decided that I'm no longer going to automatically think "fat" when I look in the mirror. Instead, I'm going to think "Juicy!"
And if anyone has a problem with how I look, then they can just not look at me!

They're At It Again!!!!!

Remember back around Valentine's Day, when, along with all the annoying ads to buy diamonds and expensive chocolates even though the economy was (and is) in the toilet and people could barely afford toilet PAPER, 'cause if you don't your wife/girlfriend/mistress/significant other is gonna get mad and DUMP you in THE most humiliating way possible, we were ALSO inundated by killjoy messages about OMG! Don't eat the chocolate/candy hearts/red Peeps, doyouknowhowmuchFATand howmanyCALORIESareinthatyou'regonnadieorworsegetFAT!!!!!!!?
Remember that?
Well, it's Easter weekend, and the Killjoys are back.
In my inbox this morning there was an email titled "The Worst Easter Candy!!!!!!!!" (The exclamation points are mine, but were TOTALLY implied in the email.) The funny thing is, I don't really eat Easter candy. I eat Ghiradelli pretty much year-round. (Those new peanut butter squares? Yum-mer!!!! Like gourmet Reeses"!) My dentisit isn't happy, but ifigure a little chocolate square every now and then can't be TOO bad. (Actually, my dentist probably IS happy; I'm helping put her kids through college, after all...)
It's funny, the Killjoys don't get all riled up over Matzoh and gefilte fish. But then, it's hard to muster ANY enthusiasm for that, whether positive or negative. The closest thing we get to candy at the seder is a coconut macaroon.
Yeah.
We don't even get to color and hunt for eggs! Nana splits a piece of matzoh and hides it!!!! (Usually, in our family, she'd forget where she hid it, my brother and I would get bored before we figured it out, and someone, a few hours or even days later, would sit on the couch and hear a crunching sound. Found it!)
But I digress. (Shocker!) The point is, here we go again! We can't enjoy a single day, a holiday, a CELEBRATION without the "experts" yelling at us and nagging us! "Don't do this! Don't do that! It's bad for you! You'll regret it! You'll be a laughingstock! Everywhere you go, people will point and laugh and you'll be OSTRACIZED! Put the chocolate bunny down and step away!!!"
Well, you know what I say? All those experts can take their 'healthy alternatives" and put tham...you know where!
Now, pass me that creme egg!

Am I Overtraining?

Charlotte wrote a blog today that got me thinking (after reading Jillian Michaels' new book, which got HER thinking. So now I want to read that book!).
I generally work out 6 days a week. For at least an hour, sometimes more. This morning I did Jillian's "30 Day Shred" which, with warmup and cooldown, is only about 28 minutes. And it was enough, lol!
So I was thinking about how much I enjoy that DVD, and how I've been really into interval workouts lately, and that, maybe, if I just focused on that DVD, Bikram yoga, and my Pilates classes, I might be OK. But then I realized that, with the schedule I had in mind, I'd still be working out 8 hours a week. Hard.
And I read Charlotte's blog, in which she mentions overtraining, and how it can mess with your hormones. And, really, my hormones don't need any more messing with!!!!!
So now I'm wondering this; if I do Bikram 2x a week (instead of 3), Pilates 2x a week (as usual), and 30 Day Shred 2x a week (instead of 3), I'll still be doing 6 hours a week, but maybe it's more managable. And a nice mix of cardio, strength training, and yoga. And only exercise that I enjoy. And I don't have to stick with the schedule; if I feel like going for a walk or doing some cardio kickboxing, I'll do that. but I won't ADD it on!!!!
And now I'm wondering if I'm overthinking all this.
AAAAUUUUUUUGHGHGH!!!!!!!!
OK, now my battery is going kaput, so I'll wrap up.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I know what I like. But I keep putting on weight, so what I'm doing isn't working.
I need help!!!!!

Prescription: Bikram Yoga

First off, thank you for the comments on the last post!!!!! They helped A LOT!!!!
Later that day I went to a Bikram yoga class. I've done it before, but not for a while. And all those classes were in L.A. where, despite the best efforts of the instructors, it was mostly about showing young folks off their tight, toned bodies and flexibility. (Once again, the aching insecurities of unemployed actors shines through!) But the instructors also "encouraged" everyone to go further than maybe some of us were ready for.
In Sunday's class, the instructor did just the opposite. he really encouraged us NOT to go further than we were capable of. And it was one of the best classes, of any kind, I've ever taken. Challenging, but not so much that I couldn't move the next day (although I was sore, lol!)
I'm taking another class today. Different instructor but, hopefully, just a sgood. I really enjoyed it, and I LOVE how I felt afterwards! Calm, relaxed, and MUCH better than I'd felt that morning. (Although part of that was getting my thoughts down here, so thatnk you again!!!)
It's expensive, I'm not gonna lie. But if it helps me, I think it's worth it. It's a good investment in myself and my well being. And if Mommy's happy, I'm pretty sure that's good for the rest of the family.

Scared

I guess part of dealing with all the stuff that I've been avoiding is facing the fear. Fear of what, exactly, I can't even say. It just seems to be there, and it is pervasive. Huge. I've been so afraid of so many things for so long. For a long time it was a huge struggle to get out of bed in the morning. And I thought it was normal. I thought everyone was afraid to go to school, to go through their days, to live their daily lives.
Then I found out that it wasn't. Many people were not afraid. That the way I lived was not "normal." And I didn't have to live that way.
It has taken me many years, and a lot of tears, anger and grief, to find some semblance of peace. But I'm not done. I want more. I need more.
I need to learn to take care of myself without guilt. I take care of my family, my clients, my colleagues. I work and I don't take a break. I'm either at work, at home with the kids, or at the grocery store. I don't have any friends nearby. I don't have a social life. And, honestly, I don't have anyone to blame for this but myself.
And I don't know that "blame' is even the right word. I've been so caught up in taking care of the kids, making sure they were in the right classrooms, had all the services they need, and just the daily care. Then I was busy with my teacher training. Lately I've been preparing for yoga teacher training, continuing my pilates education, working, and training for voice-over work. All things I REALLY want to do. But I need...more. Not more scheduling, not more STUFF to do, not things that will "improve" me or make me lose weight or whatever. More for ME. I need to know, to REALLY know, for myself, that I am good enough. Now. Just as I am, right now.
THAT'S the hardest part! And maybe the root cause of all the fear.
Because what if I'm not?

Facing the Music

(What exactly does that phrase mean? I mean, I know how we use it, but where did it come from? What's the original meaning?)
One thing I've known for a while is that food does not fill the empty, sad, scared, bored, etc. places in my life.
But knowing that never stopped me from trying!
Until today. It finally dawned on me, as I was doing laundry, that I was feeling anxious and DIDN'T want to eat anything! That's gotta be a first!
My next thought was "Food isn't gonna help. And I'm not hungry. Whatever is missing,I need to find it within myself."
My immediate thought after that was "Crap."
Because now I have to figure out WHAT it is I need and HOW to go about getting it!
It also means I need to figure out exactly what the heck is going on in my psyche.
Scary!
For a long time, as long as I can remember, food has been my drug of choice. Sometimes, I'd eat it, sometimes I'd deny myself, and sometimes I'd eat it then throw it back up. But it was always there.
There have also been times when I filled my days with endless activities, keeping myself so busy I didn't have time to deal with anything going on inside me.
Which ultimately led to a near nervous breakdown while I was a grad student.
See, I've been living in a constant state of anxiety since I was a kid. Because that's what I knew. And I was often rewarded for it, especially in my former profession. (They like 'em neurotic!)
But after a while it wasn't working for me anymore. It was working against me. So I worked really hard to change. And I DID change.
But there was still the Food Issue.
So now, after reading a bunch of books and doing a lot of soul searching, it's time, at long last, to face it, and all my other issues, head on.
Luckily, I have a therapist. A lovely therapist. She's really great, and she LOVES what she does. So I love going to see her. And she's effective.
Tonight, as I was teaching my class, I looked at myself in the mirror and, sadly, thought "Ew!" And I was embarrassed. Because, in my mind, a fitness instructor shouldn't look like THAT.
But then I looked at my class. There were 19 people there, and they come back, week after week. So they must be getting SOMETHING out of it, right? And God knows I enjoy teaching it! So what I'm trying to do, from this point on, is to look at my fat and see not ugliness or beauty or put any kind of judgement on it. Instead, it is a visible sign of my internal stuff. Not good, not bad, just there.
And I'll deal with it all.