The Witching Hour

I want to apologize for the abrupt ending of my last entry, and for not blogging since.  I have been completely overwhelmed for the past couple of weeks, and not in the best frame of mind.  The in-laws are out of town, which means we have the house to ourselves (yay!), but also that we have no babysitters for the time being (boo!).
(It also means, however, that they get a much-needed break, and that maybe my father-in-law's nasty cough will recede.  They are, after all, in Hawaii.)

I have started my new (part-time, temporary) teaching job at a local high school.  I'm teaching Intro to Drama to freshmen 3-4 days a week.  The classes themselves are great, the kids are fantastic, but the technology is driving me insane.  Everything is online: the attendance sheet, which has to be sent in straightaway, as well as payroll, faculty email, etc.  And technology and I have a somewhat sketchy relationship.
I'm also trying to juggle my schedule with Hubby and the kids.  Luckily he's usually able to leave work early if I'm teaching when the kids get home from school.  And his show is still running, 8 performances a week. They recently moved the Sunday evening shows to Wednesday matinees, so I'm scrambling to find subs for my Wednesday classes.  Luckily, I don't have many of those, and teach mainly on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

The first couple of weeks have had a few bumps.  I'm hoping things will run more smoothly from here on out.

High school freshman are a lot like puppies: Cute, a bit awkward, energetic, and enthusiastic.  Sometimes I forget that my son is the same age as these students.   And other times I have to remind myself that ALL of these concepts are new for these guys, and to teach accordingly.  The rules that apply to (even slightly) older, more experienced students/actors don't necessarily apply here.

I must say that it's nice to work in a place that has amazing amenities.  After working for so many years in public schools, where budgets are severely limited, it's quite a concept to work in an environment in which resources are readily available.  And, honestly, to be paid well.  It makes me sad and angry that most schools have to beg for arts funding, if they get it at all.

OK, better get outside and keep an eye out for the school bus.  Hope everyone had a very happy Halloween!

Holy crud, I've done it again.
But I have good reasons!
Hubby is opening his show tonight at ACT in San Francisco.  He's been working his regular job AND rehearsing AND performing 8 shows a week.
And, this week, I started a temporary, part-time job teaching intro to drama for high school freshmen.
Very ROWDY high school freshmen.
And one of the tires on my car burst.
And the brakes need adjusting.
Also taking care of the kids, the house, the dog (who had 4 tumors removed 2 weeks ago and had the stitches taken out today) and all the usual stuff.
Plus all the in-laws are going on vacation.  Lots of stuff to do.

And, to be honest, the past 3 weeks have been...overwhelming.  I can't even point to too many specific things (other than the new job and all the paperwork that goes along with it), I just know I've been feeling overwhelmed and more stressed out than usual.  And little things have been going askew.  Nothing major, but, taken all together, they make life more difficult.

And now, today, another school shooting.
I seriously, truly, want to move.
To a country that hasn't completely lost its mind.
Where I don't have to wonder, every day, when I send my kids off to school, if they will come home safely.

And I'm realizing I just can't blog right now.
But I will soon.
Promise.

The Light at the End, and an Unexpected Letter

LG started school a week and a half ago.  WG goes back in 2 days.  My mom is back home, after a nice (if busy and somewhat crazy-making) weeklong visit.  Hubby is back from Yosemite and has started rehearsals while taking a semi-sabbatical from his regular job.
Oh, and the new season of Doctor Who starts in just under a month.  :)
AND, there's a distinct possibility of a bit of teaching work here and there (acting and voice).
Things are lookin' up!

So, the letter. Last Monday I was waiting for LG's bus to arrive (Making sure I wasn't late, as, after the first 2 days, I was already on the transportation department's sh*t list.  Which was TOTALLY unfair, seeing as the bus came at 2 different times on 2 different days, AND I was originally told that there wouldn't even BE a bus the first week, AND no one told me that the schedule had changed, AND no one ever picks up the phone in that office. AND the school schedule is REALLY CONFUSING!!!!!!  But I digress...) and I checked the mailbox, hoping that a T-shirt I'd ordered had arrived.  It hadn't  but there was a letter with the BBC logo on it. From Wales.  And my family's name and address handwritten on the front.  Inside was a handwritten note, from a certain actor I have admired for over 20 years.  Thanking me for a card I'd sent, wishing us all well, and, get this, APOLOGIZING for the delay in writing back!  I'd sent the card in December, with ZERO expectation of a reply.  Just as a way to reach out during a difficult time.
So there I was, basically a melted puddle of goo on the sidewalk as the bus arrived.  I got LG off the bus and floated back up the hill to the house. (Hmmm...floating goo...not the nicest image...)

I showed the letter to my mom, who also melted a bit.  Then to my sister-in-law, who got mushy.  Then I took photos and texted them to Hubby, who was mightily impressed. I wanted to carry it around with me everywhere, but was afraid of losing it. So it's in my Drawer Of Things To Be Saved and Cherished.

I am so amazed and touched that he took the time to do that.  A man who, by all accounts, receives over 1,000 letters a week, and spends up to 18 hours a day on set, 5 days a week, only seeing his family on weekends.  It speaks volumes (as if more confirmation was needed) of what a complete mensch he is.

Oh, and the T-shirt arrived the next day.  ;)

Switching subjects completely, on the nutrition/exercise front, I've been following our local PBS station's airing of Classical Stretch workouts 3-5 days a week, and walking, along with a yoga class here and there.  And the Spin bike, usually for about 20 minutes.  I've also found a great Chris Freytag workout on YouTube that combines indoor walking and weights.  It's low-impact, but challenging. 'Cause nowadays I'm ALL about the challenge-me-but-please-don't-kill me fitness regimen.
I'm also taking advantage of Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, when the in-laws are at church and the kitchen is free.  This past week I've made sweet potato and corn chowder (courtesy of Karma Chow), healthy chocolate banana bread muffins (Chocolate Covered Katie), granola (Healthy, Happy Vegan Kitchen), and lots of variations on a Buddha Bowl, courtesy of a bunch of different sources.

If only I could get the kids to eat any of it...

OK, gotta go do some of the (neverending) paperwork for said kiddoes.  Have a good one!

Me, Me, MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy Crud!
5 WEEKS since my last post?!?!?!?!
Bad blogger!  (Slaps wrist.)
Oy, I am SO sorry!

But things have been...difficult.

Lots of issues, angst, and anxiety.
Suffice to say that my mom is in a bad situation that could become infinitely worse, but she refuses to see it.
The kids are on summer break, although LG starts high school next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I think I've been going about things the wrong way lately.
I've been asking the Universe for help, for what I want and/or need, and it hasn't been working out.

I think I need to step back and take a good, hard look at that process.  I've always known that in order to get something, most of us have to work pretty hard toward it.  Whenever I've achieved a goal, regardless of what it was, it was the result of focus and effort.  I've never believed that wishing makes it so.

What I've been wanting from the universe is guidance.  And maybe I've been getting it, maybe not.  The main problem is that I have let myself believe a lot of negative and UNTRUE stuff about myself.

I've believed I'm weak.  But would a weak person be able to raise 2 kids with special needs? Would a weak person have been able to earn a living for nearly a decade in an industry that, at any given time, has a 98% unemployment rate? Do weak people wake up every morning, for years on end, get out of bed, and do the things that terrify them the most? Is it a sign of weakness to sacrifice one's dreams and goals in order to be there for the people who need them most?
Do weak people continue on despite the belief that they are worthless?

See, I've lived through a whole lotta sh*t in my 46 years.  A WHOOOOOOOOOOLE lot.  And it's made me stronger, better, and certainly more empathetic.  I very rarely get what I want.  But maybe, just maybe, I get what I NEED.  And I just have trouble recognizing it.

And maybe, just maybe, I'm actually a pretty kick-ass chick.
It's easy for people who have never struggled to sit in judgment of the rest of us.  And I have made the mistake of listening to and believing them, for far too long.
They have NO IDEA what the rest of us go through, on a daily basis.  They, as the saying goes, were born on third base and believe they hit a triple.

It's like the naturally skinny girl/guy who makes fun of overweight people.  They are basically talking out of their a**es.

And I refuse to listen anymore.  Because they're full of it.

So, instead of asking the universe, I'm going to look inside myself.  Because THAT'S where the answers are.

When you have a baby, you pretty much say goodbye to sleep.
When you have a baby and a toddler, you get used to being in what amounts to a walking semi-coma, where the only things that register are: Is the baby awake or asleep?  Crying? Hungry?  Wet?
Is the toddler drawing on the walls? Climbing something?  Doing ANYTHING that could possibly result in injury, the him/herself or anyone else?
Coffee?  Do I have coffee available?

Then they get older.  They start going to school for a few hours a day and, miraculously, you have those few hours to yourself!  (Maybe.)  You hardly know what to do with yourself. You take walks, pull your old bike out of the garage, sign up for yoga, or, if you don't have one already, you might even Get A Job!  Like an actual grown up!

And sometimes you have to give that job up.  Because your kids have special needs, and they need YOU.  Because you're lucky enough to be in a position where you don't HAVE to work.  Because your husband works one full-time job and other, seasonal, part-time jobs in order to enable you to be home with the kids.
And time goes by, and you start to feel isolated again, the way you did when the kids were VERY young and your husband was frequently out of town for work. When none of your friends had kids yet, and just couldn't relate. When you didn't have a sitter, and those friends stopped bothering to even ask you to go out with them because you couldn't, anyway.  When the only adult you spoke to for days on end was the barista at the coffee bar in the grocery store.  When parents of other young kids shunned you because your kids were "weird", and they maybe thought their precious bundles would "catch" your kids' autism.

Now, though, you are lucky enough to have a bit of a community.  Your kids are in schools with not only others who are like them, but also neurotypical kids and adults who Get It.  And who LOVE your children!  What a huge blessing!

And then, along comes school vacation.  Necessary and needed, but flippin' exhausting! You remember why you were so tired all the time before they started school.  Except now it's worse. Because you are older.  And there is a BIG difference between what you can handle at 36 and what you can handle at (nearly) 46.  It's also a lot easier to maneuver and soothe a crying, melting-down, overly-stimulated toddler than it is a crying, melting-down, overly-stimulated teen or pre-teen.  Your children are getting bigger and stronger while you are either staying the same or weakening.  Despite your best efforts.
You work out 6 days a week, you lift weights, walk, cycle, do yoga, try to sleep 8 hours a night, everything and anything to retain strength, endurance, and flexibility. Because you desperately need all 3.  You meditate, because you need patience and some semblance of sanity.

But you're also entering perimenopause, which means your hormones are going into maniacal overdrive.

On top of it all is the Guilt. Partly because you are an Irish Jew, but mostly because you ADORE your kids!  You know how amazing, brilliant, funny, kind, and loving they are, and you wouldn't trade your life for anything.
But you are also so drained, mentally, physically, and spiritually, that you find yourself losing patience, grieving for the life you USED to have, the life you COULD HAVE had, and all the dreams you had to let go of, and all of the "What-ifs?"

Truthfully, none of that (aside from the patience) is as good as you remember/imagine it being.  But you realize you have to create some kind of balance. Something for YOU.  Something that is yours and yours alone.

And you realize that it's OK, once in a while, to NOT take the kids to the pool, or the park, or even just for a drive. To hang out at home and chill.
That, sometimes, they need it just as much as you do.

And, if you're really lucky, you just might be able to catch a catnap.

Oh, Sigh!

OK, this is my blog, and I'm just gona verbally vomit all this stuff out.
Prepare for a somewhat stream-of-consciousness-type post.

I'm using Hubby's computer, rather than my beloved Chromebook.  Because WG has been sick since Friday, and she vomited all over said Chromebook, thus killing it.  Hubby's computer is a Dell.  I don't like Dell computers, as a rule, but this one seems OK.
So far.
I'm watching it.
Veeeeeeeeery closely!

To reiterate: WG has been sick since Friday.  High fever for a couple of days, horrible congestion, no energy, low appetite.  Needless to say, she hasn't been going to school.  But she ALSO had to miss Ride A Wave this past Sunday.  Which, for her, is like missing Christmas. She tends to feel better after a bath, so she's had baths every day.  But then she backslides again.  If she's not doing better soon, we're going to the pediatrician.  I'm trying not to worry, but, please, have I MET me?!?!  Worry is what I DO!

LG was a bit sick and missed a day of school last week.  But he's been coughing and sneezing, and I'm praying that it's his allergies.

And Hubby was sick for a day last week, as well.

So I've pretty much had it with these freakin' viruses. LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE, YOU LITTLE A**HATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LG will be graduating from middle school on Thursday.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It feels like I JUSTdropped him off at his first day of 6th grade, and cried all the way home (yes, I was Crazy Crying Lady walking home from the school).  And now he's getting ready for HIGH SCHOOL?!?!?!?!?!?!

I recently discovered that there may be a possibility for some much-needed financial help for the kids, which would allow us to hire physical help for the kids, which would allow me to pursue some acting-type jobs.
And to, y'know, get out of the house now and again.  Maybe even with Hubby. Like, a date!

Buddhism, which I'm only slightly versed in, tells us to let go of the things that are not for us.
This is A LOT harder than it sounds!

My father-in-law just walked by wearing suspenders.  It's flippin' adorable!

My weight hasn't been this low in over a decade. Must be a combination of Weight Watchers, my new Fit Bit, and taking care of all the sickies.
Oh, and the worry.  Always that!

I've been taking the dog out for walks in the evenings.  It's good for his joints, good for his health (and mine), and he's so cute; He prances around in his harness! Even people who are scared of pit bulls smile at him, because he's just so happy and adorable!

The BBC4 Extra radio app is a beautiful thing.
(Especially on Saturday mornings at 10 AM PST, when you can hear their broadcast of Big Finish Doctor Who audio episodes.)

OK, it's now nighttime, and we've recently returned from taking WG to the doctor (they took us at 5:00, which was awfully nice of them).  Let's just say it was...eventful. And I have bite marks in my thigh.  Which is a first.
The good news is, she doesn't have an infection. And beating up a pediatrician (and a nurse, and her own parents) seems to have worked wonders!  She's much peppier, and is eating! So, maybe, she might be able to go back to school in a day or two...

OK.  I gotta go to bed.
Doctor's appointments are exhasting!

After reading Geosomin's blog post this morning (I am woman, hear me run."  Go check it out.
No, really, go.  I'll wait...), I realize that I'm STILL spending the majority of my time existing, worrying, passing time, and not really LIVING.
Granted, I'm meeting a friend for coffee later this week.  And Hubby and I went to a Filipino arts festival in the city, where he did a staged reading.  But I spend most of my time taking care of people and things, and feeling like I'm living in a petri dish, being observed under a microscope and judged wanting.  (For example, apparently, as I found out yesterday, my shower time is being monitored.  Which is fairly creepy.)
And because we don't have our own place, I don't feel free to do things like invite people over without clearing it first.
When I get PMS-y, I start lamenting the state of my life. No career, no job (that pays, anyway, I certainly work), no money I've earned myself, no home of our own, and crushing student debt.  Few friends in the area.
So I spend A LOT of time online, which is not good for me. Or anyone, really.  Because most of the other people who spend the majority of their time online are, quite frankly, a little scary.  And I DO NOT want to turn into that!

I've spent the past couple of years stepping out of my now too-tight cocoon.  Baby steps.  It may be time to (har har) step it up.  Take giant leaps.

And also to not worry so much about other peoples' POV.  Simply remember that they are entitled to their opinions, and that those opinions need not have anything to do with me and mine.  And, that my beliefs and opinions are just as valid as anyone else's, and I don't have to justify them.

Just need to remember that.

And to NOT get caught up in arguments of Facebook.  :)

OK.  Gonna go walk the pooch.  And use my brand new Fitbit!

Have a good one!

Ooooooooommmmmmm...

Felling much calmer now.  LG is going to the Awesome High School.  I will be observing the class he'll be in tomorrow, so I'll be more prepared for his transitional IEP.
And soon I won't have to deal with Crazy Mom anymore. She usually doesn't send her son to summer school, so, hopefully, in a few weeks, that'll be that.

In calmer news, I did the reading on Saturday, and it went VERY well!  I was walking to the BART station afterwards and I thought to myself "Yeah, I still got it."  :)

And, while I'm tooting my own horn (not like THAT!), Hubby took a photo of me the other day when we took a day trip to Mt. Diablo with the kids.  And I gotta say, Weight Watchers, EFT, and the workouts are paying off!  My friend, who writes for Shape.com, is going to include me in one of her stories.  I'm actually quite excited, because the main focus is NOT on weight loss, but on what we (the subjects) can/have accomplish(ed) BECAUSE we work out.

I'm vacillating, again, between cautious optimism on a personal/familial level and despair on a global level. The hormones aren't helping.  Those should be calming soon, however.
I'm beginning to think that I really can start performing again.  I may not make a living from it, but I never really expected to. The point now is to get back on stage and to enjoy.

OK, back again, on a Wednesday.  Just like last week.  Except today has been MUCH better.  I went to visit The Awesome High School, and I CANNOT believe how incredible it is!  He will be there until he's 22 (he'll be 14 in July), will learn life ad job skills, and his curriculum will be taylored to him.  We're VERY happy!

And on that note, I've got to do some paperwork.  See ya!

A New Outlook On Life

Literally!  because we have new windows!  :)  There are now double-paned windows where once were only 40 year-old single-paned.
And they're so clean!
Wonder how long that will last...

It's PMS time again, so I've been in a pretty constant state of rage.
Which will dissipate soon.

LG has been offered a spot in the Fabulous high school.  Today one of the other moms tried to talk me out of sending him there.  The same mom who, 2 years ago, accosted me in the schoolyard and accused my son of beating up her son.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
People are weird.

On a happier note, I'm doing the staged reading this Saturday.  We had rehearsal last weekend, and another tomorrow.  It probably won't be my most brilliant work, lol!  But it'll be fun.  And it's nice to be back in the game, even just a bit.

OK, it's now Wednesday (I started writing this yesterday) and I am NOT happy!
The Crazy Mom, the one who tried to talk me out of sending LG to the Awesome School, did something so beyond the pale I can't even see straight. Yesterday, after talking to me, she went BACK inside the school, found the teacher, and told her that I WANT MY SON TO GO TO THE DISTRICT SCHOOL.  Which is A) A LIE!, B) NOT at all what I said to her and C) NOT HER PLACE TO SAY!  How DARE she?!?!?!?! And what the HELL was she she thinking?!?!?!?!

Actually, I know what she was thinking.  She's nervous about sending her son to high school, and it's rubbing off on him. So she's told him not to worry, because his buddy LG will be there with him.  Then she overhears a teacher talking about LG's placement, and she doesn't like the fact that he won't be in class with her son.  So she tries to talk me into changing schools, then tries to override MY FAMILY'S DECISION by lying to the teacher.
Luckily, THANKFULLY, the teacher didn't believe her, and ushered her out.  And then told me about it.

I am SO TIRED of others trying to manipulate me.  SO. DONE!
And I'm REALLY over being the idiot that attracts the psychos.  For whatever reason, they flock to me.  I'm through.  If it means I have to be a cast-iron b*tch, so be it.

I'm hoping that none of this will affect his placement.  I'm also ready to torture this woman, slowly and painfully.
So, instead, I'm going to go for a walk, and then get ready for rehearsal tonight.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crawling, Blinking, Back Into the Daylight

After 2 weeks of spring break, LG caught a cold. Which he has oh-so-generously passed on to me, and possibly Hubby and WG, as well.  So it's been an interesting time in our abode.
Add to that Hubby's need for stitches after cutting his hand at work (lucky that he works at a hospital!), then having his car window smashed and his backpack stolen.  His wallet was on his person, thankfully, and he later got a call from a fella who lives in the neighborhood and found it later, while he was walking his dog.  And then went above and beyond by figuring out, from the carabiner he found in the backpack, that Hubby is a rock climber, and calling the rock gyms in order to get Hubby's phone #.  And because Hubby's VA ID was in there, he called the VA clinic and let them know the situation.
A few things were taken from the bag; a portable phone charger, an extra pair of glasses, and a pocket knife (interestingly enough, the same knife he'd cut his hand with, so maybe they did him a favor in that regard.)
So while there are mean people who do nasty things, there are also wonderful, kind people, as well.

But, naturally, Hubby was little down and freaked out afterward.  It's such a huge violation, especially since it was in a neighborhood we spend a lot of time in, and one in which he does a lot of his stage work.
So, yeah, big ol' bummer.

But, there are god things happening, too.  LG MIGHT (fingers and toes crossed) be going to a high school that's even better than the one he's currently registered for.  WG is using her communication device more and more.  Hubby is doing a workshop for one of the big regional theaters, and has a full-time, Equity gig starting in August.  I'm doing a reading in a couple fo weeks, for a show that may or may not have a full production in September. And there's still a good chance that our little improv group may become a performing troupe in the near future.

So things are looking up.  I must admit that the past month and a half has been challenging, so it's really nice to see things turning around.

Soooooooooooo Sorry!

4 weeks.
Bad blogger! (slaps wrist)
Ending the second of 2 weeks of spring break.  Barely coherent.  Almost unable to move. Cannot. Keep. Track. Of. Children.

Send help!!!!!!!!!

Will write more later.

Back to the Future. OK, Present.

I am once again a smartphone owner!
Hubby bought the Nexus 6 and gave me his Nexus 5.
The 6 is HUGE!   It's like a tablet!  We just got it on Monday, so he's still getting used to it.
Meanwhile,  I'm keeping my 5 away from any water sources.

My mom is in town this week, so the kids are able to do some swimming at her hotel.  It's been busy, as usual, around these parts.  I had my annual OB-GYN appointment last week (I'm officially in early perimenopause; holy cow!), followed the next day by my minor eye surgery.  It was quick and painless, and it's nearly healed.  It's so nice to look at my eye in the mirror and not see a giant THINGY on the corner of it. For the first time in 5 years.  It's a bit tender, and I looked for a while like I'd gone a few rounds with some ninjas, but that'll pass.

I've been doing quite a lot of barre workouts.  Mostly Bar Method.  Combining that with Essentrics/Classical Stretch, both of which feel really good!  And a bit of yoga.  Can't afford any classes right now, so I do it all at home.

Within the next few weeks, hopefully, I'll also be getting new headshots.  Which I will then send out hither and yon and, with luck, start auditioning again.  I need to get my face out there.  See, I've never been the kind of actor who walks into a room and casting directors sit up and take notice.  It's always been my work that's gotten me other work.  But auditioning is a necessity.  I think (and have been told) that I audition WELL, I'm just not easily typeable.   People aren't always sure what to do with me.  :) I figure if I can get interest, someone, somewhere, at some point will cast me, and then I can start becoming a known entity.

We're also doing an improv performance in a couple of weeks.  Nothing formal, just friends and family, but it'll be good to get in front of an audience.  It's a such a great group that we have.  Lots of talent there.  And, of course, a much-needed outlet, lol!

Alright, it's getting late.  Gonna watch "Broadchurch" and then go to bed.
Nighty-night!

I'm a Loser, Baby

I dropped my phone into the toilet yesterday.  It was running (the toilet, not the phone), so I was leaning over it to fix it.  And forgot I had my phone in the very shallow pocket of my hoodie.
I immediately placed it in uncooked rice, and left it there for 24 hours.  But the antenna is fried, and I need a new phone.
The thing is, it was  Nexus 5, which is no longer available.  I MAY be able to get a pre-owned one from  my carrier, but the one I had was from Google.  Which meant I got all the updates right away.  Even if I DO get one from T-Mobile, it'll take over a week, which means I am mobile phone-less for all that time. And any updates will take a month or two.
Or, I get the Nexus 6, which costs $300 more.
OR or, I get a similar phone, different model.

I just hate this.  I LOVED that phone!  Such a stupid, silly move, and now I have to spend (at least) $350 bucks to buy a phone I probably won't like as much.  I'm kicking myself for not simply TAKING MY PHONE OUT OF MY POCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems like lately things have been going haywire.  I know a lot of it is my perception, that the universe isn't really out to get me, and that it doesn't really have anything to do with the chain letter I deleted a week ago, but my brain isn't believing me.

I need an attitude adjustment, pronto!

Honestly, it kind of feels like this is a major crossroads, and it can be the point where either everything changes for the better, or I keep going down the same road, getting more and more frustrated.  So I think I'll choose the former.

But I'm also very nervous: I'm having simple surgery on Tuesday to remove a cyst from the corner of my eye.  It's been there for 5 years, and, as I said, should be quick and easy.  But,  a) It's my eye, and b) I'm Jewish.  We don't like sharp instruments near our eyes.  OK, and c) The way some things have been going, I'm worried something might go wrong.
There, I said it.
I put it out there.
Hopefully that'll diffuse it.

OK.
Enough.
Everything will be great.

Especially when I stop believing all the horrible things I currently believe about myself.  Honestly, if someone said HALF of those things to my friend, I'd kick them in the throat!
So way is it OK for me to say them about myself?

It's not.

And now, I''m exhausted.  Gotta go to bed.

Have a good week, everyone!

I'll keep you posted.

All Apologies? Or No Apologies?

Part of me, the NICE part, feels I should apologize for my last post.
But another part of me, the sick-of-being-nice part, says "No way!  You wrote what you felt, and that's ALL valid, dude!"
That second part feels like a cross between The Dude (Lebowski), my therapist, and Elaine Stritch.

Because I AM sick of being nice.  Not of being kind, but being nice to the point where others (sometimes literally) walk all over me (I wish I were kidding).

I believe in being nice to people as a general rule.  But there's a line that has to be drawn.  Let's say a waitress gets my order wrong.  There's no need to be mean: I can politely point it out.  After all, she's on her feet all day for crappy pay and holds hundreds of orders in her head.  I tried waitressing once.  I was horrible at it.  I admire people who can do it.  It's HARD work!
However, if said waitress were to yell at and insult me, and then, say, push my face into the food, well, the time for niceties would be over, missy!

But seriously, it doesn't nave to go that far.  Sometimes I need to be a squeakier wheel.  Sometimes ya just gotta be more aggressive.  And, yes, because I'm female, I will be called a bitch.  It's happened many times.  I've survived.  Hell, sometimes I AM a bitch!  Because I have to be!

I'm also realizing that, really, truly: for the most part, other people's opinions don't matter.  If it is someone I care about and/or someone whose opinion will make a difference, then, yes, their opinion matters.  But that is usually only a small percentage of the opinions we hear on a daily basis.  Most of the opinions we hear are from strangers.  Especially if we're on social media and are "brave" enough to read the comments.
Which I now try to avoid.  Because EVERYONE there has an opinion.  And the majority of them are stupid.
Just my opinion.  ;)

Sometimes, though, I even have to discount the opinions of people I love.  Because I have to do what I believe is best. I've lived for a long time trying to please EVERYONE, and have pleased no one.  Least of all myself.

So.
No apologies then.  For that last post, at least. It is, after all, my blog.

In happier news, we took a quick trip to Yosemite over the weekend.  Always a great way to recharge the batteries.  Still no snow, and very warm temperatures, but the water levels were a bit higher than last year.

And last night I dreamed that I was at some sort of celebration attended by many of my favorite fictional characters:  Sherlock and John were there from the new BBC adaptation, but so were Holmes  (in the guise of Richard E. Grant, if for no other reason than I love him) and Watson, in Victorian garb.  All of the Doctors Who from the new series were there.  But the absolute BEST part is that when 12 appeared, his companion was...ME!
And I was super-helpful and smart and brave, I must say!  Because there was some sort of trouble (I don't remember what, exactly), and I ended up having to crawl around on the roof and fiddle with wires.
All while not losing sight of my kids, who were also there.
Haven't seen many companions do THAT!

So, thank you, subconscious!

OK, on that note, I'm gonna motor.  Both kids are off today, but Hubby has rehearsal.  And WG is off all week.  So it's gonna be busy.

Happy happy!

The Butt of the Joke?

I just found out that the medical center where I had my last two tests (one for Lyme disease, the other for skin cancer) suddenly shut down last month.  I'm waiting to hear if I can still get my results, as the center declared bankruptcy and all of the medical records are sealed, awaiting a court hearing.

I also realized that this type of thing happens A LOT.  Not so much to the people around me, but to me.  I try not to have a victim mentality, but lately I cannot help but feel like the butt of some vast, universal joke.
Was it something I did in a past life?  Is it because I haven't asked the universe for the "right" things?  Is it just my luck?
Look, I know plenty of folks have it a whole lot worse than I do.  But it just seems like there has been a conspiracy to NOT let me have little (and sometimes big) things that I want and/or need.
I've been trying very hard lately to be positive, to have a new attitude.  To NOT sink into the old quagmire of depression and anxiety.  I've been tapping, meditating, counting my (many, many) blessings.  I've been trying to focus my attention and energy (what there is of it, lol!) onto the things I want.
I don't think those things are selfish or outlandish.  For the most part, they're doable.  But it feels like I keep running into roadblocks and brick walls, and have been doing for as long as I can remember.  Some are small, some seem insurmountable.
So if the universe has this wonderful grand plan for me, as, I keep hearing, it does for us all, WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?! I'm so tired of games and puzzles and having to figure everything out on my own.  I could use some help.  If, in fact, I've been on the wrong path for 45 years, then WHAT is the correct one?  HOW MANY TIMES do I have to ask for guidance? Is there even one path I'm meant to be on? Or is it all just vast emptiness out there, and we have to muddle along on our own?
Am I just doomed to wake up at 4 AM every so often, panicked and teary, begging for help when none is forthcoming?

I know now just how deep my feelings of insecurity, guilt, and unworthiness run.  I understand that, according to some schools of thought, the fact that I have never truly believed I deserve good things has meant that I focus on the negative, and that's what the universe has given me.  I'm still not sure if I believe that or not.  But I know I'm tired of all that worry and guilt and the waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's exhausting!
And, yes, I also know I'm a product of my upbringing, and that the lessons we learn in childhood are incredibly hard to let go of.  So when you grow up hearing "What makes YOU so special?  Why should YOU succeed where so many others have failed?  Why do YOU deserve happiness/success/good fortune?" You take it in and it becomes a big part pf your psyche.
And even when you do succeed, there is guilt, because you are proving them all wrong. Those people who loved and raised you and truly did the best they could.  They were, after all, products of their own upbringing, and honestly thought they were protecting you from being hurt.    They believed, and they taught you to believe, that if you don't expect too much, you won't suffer disappointment, and sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised.  That that's the best you can hope for.

They were wrong, of course.  But they didn't know that.  And neither did I, for a very long time.
But I know better now, so I think it's time for things to start going my way a little bit more.

Do I have Lyme disease?  Probably not, but I'd like to know for sure.  How about skin cancer? These are questions that I need (and deserve) answers to, and would like to get those answers without having to jump through a million hoops.
Again.

So I'm putting it out there: I need answers.  Sooner rather than later, preferably.

And I'd like all those hoops to go away.  I'm tired.  I don't want to jump through them all anymore.

I want the good things.  Not the expensive, materialistic stuff, just the Good Stuff.

I believe I have earned them, and that I deserve them.

Holy Hand Grenades, I've Done it Again!

Gone another 3 weeks without a peep.  I'm so sorry!
In my defense...well, I don't have much of one, other than being busy.
Which we all are.

So, to catch up:  the rash is completely gone (yay), but I had to have 2 moles biopsied (boo!).  It's been a bit over a week, so if I don't hear anything over the next 2 weeks, I'm in the clear.  And then I need to get checked every 6 months.
Fingers crossed.

The concert was FANTASTIC!  I ended up standing right next to the stage.  So you'll have to speak up...

I've been faithfully doing my yoga, and have found 2 classes that I particularly like and that I'm hoping to keep attending after my month is up.

I've also started another round of improv.  This one is advanced, and the group is AMAZING!  Some I know from previous sessions, some I'm just meeting.  But it's gonna be FUN!  And the best part; we get to do 2 performances at the end of the 10 weeks.  Probably in the cabaret space at A.C.T.  I'm really hoping this will lead to something a bit more permanent, as in a core group for workout/performance.

I've been attending my WW regular meetings, but also once-a-month Lifetime membership meetings, which have a different focus.  I'm enjoying them a lot.  And so far, so good on maintaining, knock on wood.
I'm also finding that, as I get older, the super-intense workout schedule just doesn't do it for me anymore.  In fact, it has the opposite effect:  I get overly tired, retain weight, and I end up feeling hungrier than if I do more moderate workouts.  So I've been mixing up Slim in 6/Slim Series, yoga, barre, walking, and 30 minute sessions on the spin bike.
Which is still still not slouching, IMHO.  :)

Another sign that we're getting older: Hubby just ordered a foam cover for our mattress that will make the bed firmer.  We've both been waking up with back and/or shoulder pain. Can't afford a new mattress just yet, so hopefully this will do the trick.

And I think I've hit perimenopause.  My cycle is whack!

We have completely moved into our new rooms.  It's so much nicer to all be on the same floor, and LG has his own room again.  The dog sleeps with us.  Lately, however, he's been scratching and licking a lot. (The dog, not LG.) All over. I think his skin has gotten dry.
Which isn't surprising, seeing as how he likes to sleep directly in front of the space heater!  We have to gently pull him away so his nose doesn't get burned!
Silly pup.
But I think a trip to the vet is in order.  Because the poor guy is SO itchy!  In the meantime, I've been putting a tiny bit of olive oil in bis food, and I'm ordering some doggie digestive enzymes.  Hopefully that will help.

Next week, I will be registering LG for high school.
...
...
...
My little pumpkin is gonna be in HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!

Nope.  Cannot compute that.  Think I'll stay over here in Denial.
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalla...

Oh.
It's nice here!
Think I'll hang out for a bit.
Like, say, the next 50 years?

See ya!

Things Aren't Always What They Seem...

First of all, Happy New Year!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!  Ours was fine, but I have to say I'm glad it's over.  The kids are back in school and I can rest, lol!

Sooooooo...if you read my last post (from 3 weeks ago, sorry!) you may remember I mentioned some bug bites in a highly inconvenient area of my anatomy.  Well, they weren't bug bites.  Turned out to be poison oak.
We'd gone hiking in a beautiful park in Marin.  It overlooked the city, and we had a great time.
However...
There were no bathrooms.  So I had to hike into a copse, and drop trou.

Twice.

In exactly the wrong spots, obviously.

I went to my GP, who tried his hardest not to laugh and gave me some cream to rub on my...um...posterior.  Then he had me take blood test to rule out Lyme Disease.
I'm glad he's thorough.
And so is my bottom.
(The test results haven't come in yet, due to the holidays, but I'm pretty sure it's NOT Lyme disease.)

Other than that, it's been fairly uneventful around here.  We watched the Doctor Who Christmas special, which was a lot of fun.  I don't want to give anything away, but The Doctor + Santa's sleigh=ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!

This Saturday I'm going to a concert.  The first one I've been to in 10 years!  It's Midge Ure, who was the front man for Ultravox back in the 80's before embarking on a solo career.  I saw him in 1989 when I was in college, and now he's doing a solo acoustic tour.

I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

And lastly, there's a new yoga studio that opened up down the street, and they have a $30 for 30 days special, so I signed up this morning.  It's nice to get back into it, and I'm feeling stronger than ever.  I was even able to run on a treadmill at my mom's hotel without having to call the paramedics!

OK, one last thing:  I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions, but I made 2 this year.  I'm going to stop pretending everything is fine if it isn't, and I'm going to learn to, in the immortal words of "Frozen",  Let It Go. When need be.  Which is a lot more often than I think it is.

And on that note, I will leave you for now.  Take care!