Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Butt of the Joke?

I just found out that the medical center where I had my last two tests (one for Lyme disease, the other for skin cancer) suddenly shut down last month.  I'm waiting to hear if I can still get my results, as the center declared bankruptcy and all of the medical records are sealed, awaiting a court hearing.

I also realized that this type of thing happens A LOT.  Not so much to the people around me, but to me.  I try not to have a victim mentality, but lately I cannot help but feel like the butt of some vast, universal joke.
Was it something I did in a past life?  Is it because I haven't asked the universe for the "right" things?  Is it just my luck?
Look, I know plenty of folks have it a whole lot worse than I do.  But it just seems like there has been a conspiracy to NOT let me have little (and sometimes big) things that I want and/or need.
I've been trying very hard lately to be positive, to have a new attitude.  To NOT sink into the old quagmire of depression and anxiety.  I've been tapping, meditating, counting my (many, many) blessings.  I've been trying to focus my attention and energy (what there is of it, lol!) onto the things I want.
I don't think those things are selfish or outlandish.  For the most part, they're doable.  But it feels like I keep running into roadblocks and brick walls, and have been doing for as long as I can remember.  Some are small, some seem insurmountable.
So if the universe has this wonderful grand plan for me, as, I keep hearing, it does for us all, WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?! I'm so tired of games and puzzles and having to figure everything out on my own.  I could use some help.  If, in fact, I've been on the wrong path for 45 years, then WHAT is the correct one?  HOW MANY TIMES do I have to ask for guidance? Is there even one path I'm meant to be on? Or is it all just vast emptiness out there, and we have to muddle along on our own?
Am I just doomed to wake up at 4 AM every so often, panicked and teary, begging for help when none is forthcoming?

I know now just how deep my feelings of insecurity, guilt, and unworthiness run.  I understand that, according to some schools of thought, the fact that I have never truly believed I deserve good things has meant that I focus on the negative, and that's what the universe has given me.  I'm still not sure if I believe that or not.  But I know I'm tired of all that worry and guilt and the waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's exhausting!
And, yes, I also know I'm a product of my upbringing, and that the lessons we learn in childhood are incredibly hard to let go of.  So when you grow up hearing "What makes YOU so special?  Why should YOU succeed where so many others have failed?  Why do YOU deserve happiness/success/good fortune?" You take it in and it becomes a big part pf your psyche.
And even when you do succeed, there is guilt, because you are proving them all wrong. Those people who loved and raised you and truly did the best they could.  They were, after all, products of their own upbringing, and honestly thought they were protecting you from being hurt.    They believed, and they taught you to believe, that if you don't expect too much, you won't suffer disappointment, and sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised.  That that's the best you can hope for.

They were wrong, of course.  But they didn't know that.  And neither did I, for a very long time.
But I know better now, so I think it's time for things to start going my way a little bit more.

Do I have Lyme disease?  Probably not, but I'd like to know for sure.  How about skin cancer? These are questions that I need (and deserve) answers to, and would like to get those answers without having to jump through a million hoops.

So I'm putting it out there: I need answers.  Sooner rather than later, preferably.

And I'd like all those hoops to go away.  I'm tired.  I don't want to jump through them all anymore.

I want the good things.  Not the expensive, materialistic stuff, just the Good Stuff.

I believe I have earned them, and that I deserve them.

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