Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I am the QUEEN...of Indecisiveness

Remember that show "Sheena, Warrior Princess?" I used to call myself "Sheena, Worrier Princess."
OK, it wasn't that funny, but I liked it.
But now I've gone from princess to queen. OK, not THE queen (that title goes to WG), but the Queen of Indecisiveness. The Waffle Monarch. Her Majesty Can'tMakeUpHerMind.
A few posts ago I wrote that I was postponing my yoga teacher training in order to pursue voiceover work. Well, I've been reading a book about finding your true passions, been talking about it to my therapist, and watched "The Last Lecture" on PBS. I've also been waking up at night and doing a lot of thinking.
The truth is, I DON'T WANT TO DO VOICEOVERS. It's just too close to acting, which I have NO DESIRE to return to. There's also the fact that I'm still in the actors' unions which, contrary to popular belief, actually means there's LESS work for me than for non-union actors. (Basically there are a lot of areas not covered by the unions, which makes union artists ineligible for the jobs.) And the fact is, the more I think about doing V.O. work, the more itchy and uncomfortable I get.
So I had to ask myself, "Self, what DO I want?"
And the answer was "To teach yoga. Teach Pilates. Learn massage therapy. Maybe even, someday, to work with physical rehab patients. To help heal and prevent disease and injury. THAT'S what I want!"
So, that's what I'm gonna do. It may take a while, but that's OK.
And you know what? I FINALLY feel settled!
For as long as I can remember, I've felt restless. Like something was missing. I think for a LONG time I was persuing a life that focused on outside approval; from parents, teachers, colleagues, friends, critics, etc. I completely forgot how to listen to my own instincts. Or maybe I never really learned that in the first place. Now, after nearly 40 years, it's time to listen.
Yesterday would have been my dad's 71st birthday. I'm sure, when he turned 40, he didn't believe that more than half his life had already been lived. I also know, no matter what, that he wanted us to be happy and fulfilled.
I also believe that those feelings of restlessness led, at least in part, to my EDs and my distorted relationship with food. The book I mentioned earlier is actually a non-dieting book, a guide to weight loss. But I've gotten a lot out of it beyond how to lose weight. I really feel changes happening inside me, and I feel really optimistic!
I'll let you know how it goes!


Charlotte said...

Good on you girl!! Listening to yourself and deciding what you really want can be so hard! I'm proud of you for going for what you want! Yay!

azusmom said...


Crabby McSlacker said...

That's awesome!

And very inspirational. It can be so hard to figure out what we really want as opposed to what we're supposed to want. That's great you did the hard work and soul searching to figure it out!