Thursday, May 14, 2009

Tired of Fighting

I'm very tired. Not just because BOTH kids were up half the night (one sniffling from allergies, the other one giggling), or from the duck that took up residence outside our window at 4 AM (what is up with the ducks lately?!?!?!), or even teaching 2 classes yesterday.
I'm tired of hating my body. I'm tired of gaining weight. I'm tired of thinking about food: what to eat, what I can cook that everyone will eat, what to send to school with the kids in their lunchboxes, etc. Am I feeding them enough healthy stuff? Too much salt/sugar/fat etc.? (Actually, I think we're doing pretty well in that dept. Yes, LG loves ramen noodles and WG adores her cookies, but they both also eat apples, salad, bananas, watermelon, whole-wheat pasta...) And WHY is it that Hubby can go rock climbing one day a week and look like the statue of David, while I work out endlessly (see previous post) and look like Winnie the Pooh?!?!
I'm trying, I really am, to accept my body. But it's kinda hard to do when it keeps chaging on me. And not in the way I'd like. 4 years ago, I cursed the scale when it wouldn't budge. Now, I'm wishing it would STOP moving-up-and start moving down again! Back to where it was 4 years ago would be nice! To the weight I was at when I thought I was fat. (Hey, that rhymes!)
I try to stop putting myself down for being fat, but that kind 0f self-loathing is hard to un-learn.
Yes, I have calmed myself down considerably in the past fews years. I have a MUCH better relationship with food than I used to, but it's still not where I want it to be. (Diet programs still call to me; I try to avoid their siren song. I know I'll just end up dashed against the rocks, as well as putting on even MORE weight.)
I look at a recent post, in which I was feeling so optimistic, and wonder what has happened.
And then I look at the calendar.
Ah. Now I understand.
It's enough to drive a saint to drink...too much coffee.
Luckily I don't turn to alcohol or drugs or cigarettes when I'm feeling low. I turn to pizza.
Hey, at least it's legal!

Which leads me to this:
I have to wonder how Kirstie Alley's daughter is dealing with her mom trashing herself in the media for putting the weight back on that she lost on Jenny Craig (*cough* spawnofsatandiet*cough*) . I'm sure she's getting the message, in a big way (no pun intended) that fat is EVIL, that she is nothing if she's not thin, that she will be unworthy if she puts on a pound, and that the world will be watching to see if she gains weight the way her, IMHO, gorgeous mother has.
Kirstie Alley is 58. 58!!!! And she's beating herself up for not looking 25. What the hey?!?!
And what is her son learning? To value women based on how they look?
My heart breaks for her kids. When she puts herself down I'm sure they feel it. It can't be easy for them to hear their mom talk about herself in the way she does. I remember, when I was a kid, my mom disparaging her body and her looks. I felt so sad because, to me, she was beautiful. And she couldn't see it.
I don't want to do any of that to my kids. I want them to grow up with two parents who love them, each other, and themselves unconditionally.
So, I'll keep plugging along. And when I find the answers, I'll let you know.


Charlotte said...

So many things here I want to comment on!!

1- The evil unbalance of men's weight loss vs. women. Oh, sister, do I feel you there! My husband says, "i want to lose 30 lbs" so he stops eating 1/2 gallon of ice cream every night. A month later he's at his goal! Me, who eats ice cream pretty much never, couldn't lose weight like that even if i weren't preggo.

2- I simply cannot stand to read any more Kirstie Alley's insanity. The woman obv. has mental problems that she is foisting on her weight. I DON'T CARE if she's fat. I just wish she were happy. And her idea that happiness is 80 lbs away is idiotic. She won't be happy even then. And she's dragging the rest of us down with her.

3 - PMS! LOL. When I'm not preggo, it always cracks me up how PMS surprises me. I mean, it happens every month and yet every month I'm SHOCKED when I start feeling fat and tired and crappy. When will I learn??

Why don't we live by each other, Alyssa?

azusmom said...

Oh MAN I wish we lived near each other!!!!!!
(But then I'm too much of a weather wuss these days to handle winter there...but still!)

Crabby McSlacker said...

I don't blame you for feeling tired of fighting a battle that is pretty much impossible to win, if you go by society's standards.

But PMS makes it so much worse!

Sounds like you have SO much to be proud of in terms of healthy choices and raising your children with love and patience and common sense, and continuing to fight to do the right thing despite all the challenges.

Hooray for you!!!!

neversaydiet said...

what an interesting perspective - think of Kirstie's daughter. I didn't really stop to think of that. It must be incredibly hard for both, and for the daughter to tyr and develop a healthy body image while her mom is slamming herself in the media for being "fat".
I'm sorry you're struggling right now, A, but at least in might get better once PMS goes AWOL. I totally understand and empathize and of course, for us outsiders, it's easy to look at you and say 'she's beautiful and hot and fit and smart and managing a zillion things at once." You are all those things - pat yourself on the back a bit and smile, ok?? xoxoxo

azusmom said...