Moving, Monsters, and Madness.

I just got my ticket to see "Frankenstein" at our local movie theater. It's the National Theater production, directed by Danny Boyle, with Johnny Lee Miller and (be still my theater-geek heart!) Benedict Cumberbatch.  The two switched off roles, with one playing Dr. Frankenstein and the other the Monster, then switching the next night. It was filmed live last year and is being shown at movie theaters, which is SUCH a great thing! (Next week is "The Teampest" with Christopher Plummer [!!!!!!!!], which I'd really like to see, but it's 3 days before the move.)

Guess which version I'm going to see?
(Actually, I'd LOVE to see both, but I have to work the first night.)
If you're interested, it's being shown around the world this Wednesday and Thursday at 7 PM.  You can find a list of theaters on the National Theatre website.

We're progressing on the move.  More and more stuff is being tossed, donated, or relocated. And, although I will miss my duck pal, I'm looking forward to having the move over and done with, getting settled, and having a fresh start.
I believe I mentioned that at the Shakespeare workshop I was at a few weeks ago I met up with a woman who was at the theater company at the same time I was, and that she's now running a Shakespeare program here at which I also worked, 12 years ago: small world! (And if you read that sentence once and were able to follow it, Bravo, lol!)
Anyway, we're going to get together and talk about the possibility of my teaching one of the workshops in the Fall. I'm also releasing my Thursday afternoon Pilates class at the Community Center.  It's a great class, with lovely clients, but I needed to figure out if it was worth it to drive from the new house in rush hour traffic to teach for 45 minutes, and drive back.  I don't think it is.
I also, truly, want to get back more into teaching the way I used to.  Not just doing a 10-week, once-a-week, residency that ends in a cute little show, but work that is really meaningful for me and, more importantly, for the students. I want to teach Shakespeare again.
I think I'm ready.

I'm still working the Emotional Brain Training program.  It's very helpful.  I also got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, to be used as needed.  Just knowing they're there has a calming effect all it's own.  The human brain is a wondrous thing!
Over the past few years I've been hearing about changing the world by changing ourselves. And I really believe it.  If I react to stress by screaming and throwing things, for example, I'm going to scare my kids AND teach them that THAT is the way to react.  If I can change my own reactions, they'll learn something else.  Hopefully, something better and more productive and more conducive to their own health..  Because they learn a whole hell of a lot more from what I do than from what I say. Especially being such intuitive little creatures! And if I change the way I react to someone, it will also change the way they react to me.

This morning in yoga class, I had to take a few breaks AGAIN.  I was very tired and REALLY anxious, and quite sad.  But, once again, when I let go and just accepted that I needed to take a break, everything went more smoothly.  I could come back and get the benefits of the class.
I also reminded myself, later, that I didn't need a second workout today.  That, in fact, it would probably be counter-productive.  My body was telling me something, and I needed to listen.
Twice-a-day workouts, IMHO, are a once-in-a-while thing, not an everyday thing.  Unless one is an Olympic athlete.
Which I most definitely am not.
Unless they have a category for Worrying.  Then I'd DEFINITELY get the gold, lol!

Finally, I think, being anxious and premenstrual, I needed a good cry today.  And I gave it to myself by watching the last couple of scenes of "The Reichenbach Fall" from "Sherlock" again.  Talk about tearing your heart out, geez!  :)  Watching it online, as opposed to on the teeny-weeny-tiny-oonsy-woonsy TV we have in our bedroom, allows me to notice more details.  Like the tear that falls off of Sherlock's chin when he's talking to Watson on the phone, standing on the roof.  Which sent me into my bawl-fest, thankyouverymuch. And then Watson's voice when he says *SPOILER ALERT!* "Don't be dead."
Oy to the vey!
As one online commenter put it, "This show has wrecked my heart and ruined my life.  Y'know, in a good way!"

Indeed.

'Night all!

Updated Update

We're moving June 17th.
WHEW!!!!

Saw some footage from the BAFTAs  yesterday (British Academy of Film & Television Awards) and Matt Smith & Benedict Cumberbatch presented an award to Stephen Moffat.
There's a reason someone coined the term "Nerdgasm."

After watching the season finale of "Sherlock," I'm going on Netflix and watching the episodes I missed from the 1st season.  Which is making me very happy, as they are SOOOOOOOO good! And seeing as the next episodes won't air until sometime next year (and, um, haven't actually been written yet), these will have to tide me over.
(BTW: Benedict Cumberbatch is currently filming the next "Star Trek" movie.  I am a happy, happy girl! And there's an interview in which he sings a line from "Willy Wonka."  Be still my gooey, melty heart!  Sooo sweet!)

OK, so I just finished an online chat with a guy I knew in high school.  Whom I had a bit of a crush on :)  Turns out, guess what? he had a crush on me, too.  Neither one of us knew it, and we were both too afraid to act on it. Makes me wonder how different high school could have been...
But, of course, things happen, or don't, for a reason.
But it's funny: he was a cool guy: way too cool, I thought, for me.  He was personable and so nice, and was involved in drama. Which took guts.  But he didn't seem to care what other people thought.
Or so it seemed.  Turns out he thought I was out of HIS league!!!!!!!  I NEVER would have imagined, in a million years, ANYONE thinking that about me!
I must admit, it's quite flattering, lol!

I'm also realizing what a miracle Hubby is to me.  He loves me no matter what.  Fat or thin, happy or sad (or pissed, or cranky...)  Isn't that amazing?
And, of course, our kids.
Our angels.  Because they are just that, even in the middle of a meltdown. :)

There's a reason certain shows, or books, or actors, etc. appeal to me.  Or to anyone.  There's something in them that speaks to something in us.  It's different for everyone.  I get curious about what that is. So, yes, I analyze it.  Maybe OVERanalyze it.  But, heck, it's FUN!!!!!

And I TOTALLY understand the urge to write fan fiction.
Not that I have.
Much.

'Nighty-night, everyone!

Update

More offers made by the buyers, only to be rescinded 30 minutes later.
?!?!?!?!?!
Turns out they have beliefs about certain numbers being lucky, and want to move in by a certain date so they will have good fortune.  Well, I gotta say, it's pretty bad karma to lie and break promises.

I don't wish them ill.
I just want them to be reasonable.

Clawing My Way Out. Or Not.

I remember being a sophomore in college. It was February in New York, in the second year of a VERY intense theater program.  Everything felt gray.  Everything WAS gray; it was February in New York City. One of my classmates put it perfectly: "I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a quagmire!"
It's an image I've come back to a number of times over the past 24 years.  And I can't believe it's been 24 years since that comment was made.
I'm in yet another quagmire.  There have been a number of them throughout the years.  Such is life.  But they really do suck.  (Literally! Quagmires try to suck down whatever gets stuck in them, right?)
Part of it is moving.  We're in the midst of all the packing/cleaning/getting rid of stuff phase.  SOOOOOO not fun!  But it IS good to get rid of boxes and boxes of crap.

We are, however, having some issues with the buyers, who are not sticking to a verbal agreement we made.  We should have gotten it in writing before we accepted the offer.  We accepted the offer, which was lower than a bunch of other offers we had, because of that agreement. And now they are reneging. Which is making life a whole hell of a lot more difficult than it needs to be.
Which is incredibly stupid.  Because there is no reason for them NOT to abide by the agreement.

What makes me crazy is that it's not about the move.  It's about people making life harder for MY KIDS.  And I CANNOT abide that!  I WILL NOT forgive it.  So, if for some reason they come across this post, they will know that I WILL NOT apologize for writing about it.   You want to be a jerk to me, fine.  You want to dump on my kids?  You'd better be ready for a knock-down, drag-out fight.

I'm trying to take it in stride, to not let it get me down.  But it's really hard.  Combined with a lot of other stuff going on, it's hard not to sucked into the quagmire. I tell myself to stop caring, but I can't.  I do my deep breathing, my meditation, etc.  And it helps.  But it doesn't make it stop.
And yes, I know I cannot control the events in my life, only how I react to them.  And I'm working on it.  Working pretty hard.  But this situation is driving me insane!  I don't understand WHY these folks are making it so difficult!!!!!!! We accepted their offer in good faith.  Why aren't they holding to their end of the bargain?

So, yeah.
Stuck in the quagmire.

I'll keep you posted.

Righteous (?) Anger.

Rage.
That's what I've been feeling for a few days.  Along with a hefty dose of resentment.  I won't go into all the details, but recognizing it has been very helpful. Along with talking it over with my very smart therapist.
Who once told me I remind her of Marilyn Monroe, before she went platinum blonde.
Have I mentioned how much I love my therapist?
OK, beside the point.

Carrying around all this R&R (rage and resentment) for 40 years is EXHAUSTING!  It's time to start letting go.
But it's hard to do when confronted with things like a photo I saw the other day.  I'm unable to post it, and I probably wouldn't even if I could.  It's of one of a litter of very young puppies covered in engorged ticks.  The poor thing's ear was full of them, and they've had so much of his blood they look like pebbles.  The puppies & their mother were left neglected in a pen outdoors. Thankfully a group called Ruffles Rescue took them in & asked for donations.  They received more than they needed, and the dogs are now under the care of a vet.  The ticks have been painstakingly removed, the dogs are in quarantine, and they're receiving antibiotics. They're also eating, playing, and acting like puppies, under the watchful eyes of a very happy momma.
I couldn't stop thinking about that photo.  And it made me want to hurt the people who let this happen.  Hurt them badly.  I found myself punching my pillow that night whenever I thought about it, and silently screaming obscenities at them.

Yeah.  Rage.

I'm certainly not the only one who reacted this way, judging by the comments on Facebook.  And I and many others also feel gratitude toward the people who are helping the dogs.  They are proof that goodness does exist in this world, as well as empathy and selflessness.  They have spent hour after hour taking care of these pups, all voluntarily.

So in this case, anger is justified.  But the rage was more than was warranted, I think. It was obviously about more than the poor puppies: they were just the proverbial straw.
I wonder if the depression I've been fighting for so long is actually the rage.  Because it's OK to feel sad, but not angry, at least in my case. That's what I've believed for a very long time.  Often it's the other way around, but I think the anxiety and depression stem from the anger.

I hate feeling needy.  I despise it when someone preys on the helpless, or makes someone else feel powerless.  I hate feeling powerless myself. And sometimes that's exactly how I feel.  it's a very familiar feeling, and I despise that, too.

I hate eating so much.  I hate feeling like I'm committing a crime when I eat when I'm actually hungry. BUT, I started a telegroup today that I think will help.  With all of the above.  It's a program I've known about for years, but haven't been able to do until now.  So, fingers crossed:  I hope this will make the same kind of difference that the "Attacking Anxiety" program did 10 years ago. It's work, it'll force me to pay attention, and I have to actually interact with other people.  :)
Because, as we all know, it's about a whole lot more than the weight.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

In A Not-So-Fun Place (Welcome to PMS-Ville!)

Oy.
Hormone headaches, bloating, cramps, and a severe case of the Crankies.
Plus, my mom is coming into town.
I love my mom, but sometimes it's like having a 3rd child.  Especially with the questions.  She's a journalist AND a journalism professor, so it's CONSTANT questions.  Back when she & my dad would visit I felt like I was getting multiple, daily pop quizzes.
Here's an example:

"What town are we in?"
"Foster City."
"Oh."  Pause.  "Why is it called Foster City."
"I don't know.  Maybe it's named after someone named 'Foster.'"
"Oh yeah? Who?"
"I don't know, I'm just speculating."
"Oh." Pause.
"When was it established?"
"Umm...I dunno."
"Was all this water already here, or are these lakes man-made?"
"Errrrrmmm..."
"Is it an actual city, or a town?"
"Well, technically I think it's part of San Mateo, which is a City..."
"So why did they make it a separate entity and call it 'Foster City?""
"I STILL don't know the answer to that-"
"Seems like it'd be easier to just make it part of San Mateo."
"Yuuuhhh..."
"That's pretty silly.  Stupid, if you ask me."
"Well, they didn't-"
"WHY would they DO that?!?!?!"
"I...jst...glerk...ida know!"
"You've worked here 4 years and you don't know?!?!?!"
"Glglktch...phrmfgh...gyahhhhhh!!!!!!"
"Hey, why are you trying to drive this car off the bridge?"
"BECAUSE DEATH IS PREFERABLE TO CONTINUING THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!!!"
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
"Well I was just asking."

Multiply that by 6 billion and you have an average visit with my mom.

Thank goodness for yoga!  Even just a few minutes helps me feel better.  I may have to take a bunch of classes over the next week...

Y'know, if I were a wealthy celebrity, I wouldn't have the typical entourage.  Assistants, hair & makeup people, someone to hold my umbrella for me (Seriously, what IS that?  It's not like these celebrities have 2 broken arms, or are carrying...ANYTHING! Why do they need someone holding an umbrella over their heads?!?!?!) or a dietitian following me around telling me what I can and cannot eat every minute.  No, I would have a therapist, a yoga instructor, and a soft puppy (or kitten, I'm not picky) with me at all times.
To help me stay calm.
Oh, and a bed roll.  In case I needed a nap.
Because celebrities are indulged.  People expect them to be weird.

Since I am neither wealthy nor a celebrity, however, I must find my own way of relaxing.  Without an entourage. And since it doesn't look like I'll be getting a vacation anytime in the near future, a spa weekend is out, as well.

So. Deep breaths, yoga, and constant Notes To Self that This Too Shall Pass. Impermanence is the nature of this universe we live in.  Heck, even Pluto isn't a planet anymore!

Oh, and a Serenity Prayer now and again can't hurt.

Duckcess!!!!!!

The clam is off the foot...repeat: the clam is off the foot!
My buddy is mollusk-free.  He's still limping, but he's moving MUCH better, and hopefully will be 100% soon. He still won't let me too close, but, well, he's a DUCK.  The closest we ever got was when I was taking, apparently, too much time to feed him, so he thwapped me on my foot with the underside of his beak.  Wish I'd gotten it on camera!
I'm sure gonna miss him when we move.
I wonder how my in-laws would feel about a pet duck...?

In other news. I'm doing a 2-week yoga detox (daily yoga, various daily smoothies, and food with no preservatives).  Today is day one, and it's fairly mellow.
Um, partly 'cause it's yoga.
But also because it doesn't demand I do 6 hours of yoga a day in a steam room on a mountaintop (not really possible, I know) and live on carrot juice for 14 days.  'Cause that wouldn't be a detox, that would be the beginning of a murder spree.
I'm also doing an oldie-but-goodie workout, Callanetics.  Yup, I've got the 1987, transferred-to-DVD, original workout in all its leotard, spandex, leg-warmered glory!  I also have an updated version.  And let me tell ya, it may look serene, but it is EXHAUSTING!  Granted, I usually combine it with another workout, but still...

Because of my Tennis Elbow (which I STILL find really weird!), I can't really lift heavy weights just yet.  So I'm focusing on lighter weights/higher reps.  So along with Callanetics I've pulled out all my Barre-inspired DVDs.  I always forget how much I love them until I do them again.  And, apparently, they're all the rage right now.  I mean, heck, those male dancers do barre work every day, and they can lift the female dancers over their heads!  OK, the women don't weigh much, but still...
And I'm still Spinning, 'cause it's so much fun.
I must say my elbow is feeling SO much better.  I did yoga today without a brace.  I may add it back on tomorrow, but I felt pretty strong.

Finally, let me just say R.I.P, Adam Yauch.  The Beastie Boys are one of the best groups of the past 30 years, and you will be missed.  Especially the wisdom and compassion you cultivated over the past 20+ years.  Thank you for speaking out fro human rights, for Womens' rights, and for being an all-around stand-up guy.