That's what I've been feeling for a few days. Along with a hefty dose of resentment. I won't go into all the details, but recognizing it has been very helpful. Along with talking it over with my very smart therapist.
Who once told me I remind her of Marilyn Monroe, before she went platinum blonde.
Have I mentioned how much I love my therapist?
OK, beside the point.
Carrying around all this R&R (rage and resentment) for 40 years is EXHAUSTING! It's time to start letting go.
But it's hard to do when confronted with things like a photo I saw the other day. I'm unable to post it, and I probably wouldn't even if I could. It's of one of a litter of very young puppies covered in engorged ticks. The poor thing's ear was full of them, and they've had so much of his blood they look like pebbles. The puppies & their mother were left neglected in a pen outdoors. Thankfully a group called Ruffles Rescue took them in & asked for donations. They received more than they needed, and the dogs are now under the care of a vet. The ticks have been painstakingly removed, the dogs are in quarantine, and they're receiving antibiotics. They're also eating, playing, and acting like puppies, under the watchful eyes of a very happy momma.
I couldn't stop thinking about that photo. And it made me want to hurt the people who let this happen. Hurt them badly. I found myself punching my pillow that night whenever I thought about it, and silently screaming obscenities at them.
I'm certainly not the only one who reacted this way, judging by the comments on Facebook. And I and many others also feel gratitude toward the people who are helping the dogs. They are proof that goodness does exist in this world, as well as empathy and selflessness. They have spent hour after hour taking care of these pups, all voluntarily.
So in this case, anger is justified. But the rage was more than was warranted, I think. It was obviously about more than the poor puppies: they were just the proverbial straw.
I wonder if the depression I've been fighting for so long is actually the rage. Because it's OK to feel sad, but not angry, at least in my case. That's what I've believed for a very long time. Often it's the other way around, but I think the anxiety and depression stem from the anger.
I hate feeling needy. I despise it when someone preys on the helpless, or makes someone else feel powerless. I hate feeling powerless myself. And sometimes that's exactly how I feel. it's a very familiar feeling, and I despise that, too.
I hate eating so much. I hate feeling like I'm committing a crime when I eat when I'm actually hungry. BUT, I started a telegroup today that I think will help. With all of the above. It's a program I've known about for years, but haven't been able to do until now. So, fingers crossed: I hope this will make the same kind of difference that the "Attacking Anxiety" program did 10 years ago. It's work, it'll force me to pay attention, and I have to actually interact with other people. :)
Because, as we all know, it's about a whole lot more than the weight.
Have a great weekend, everyone!