Yup, posting again, mere hours after the last post. Because last night, with one little text, things went a little crazy and then great clarity was had.
I was supposed to have the day off due to my childcare situation. then last hight at 9 PM I received a text from work informing me that I had 3 clients and a demo class at 10:15 this morning (Friday). First I texted my M-I-L (I LOVE that she texts!) to see of she was available to watch LG, but she isn't. My F-I-L has a doctor's appt. this morning, and he's still not allowed to drive. So I called my supervisor who had, alas, already left. Then I called the front desk and explained the situation, and my heroine there offered to call the (already down to 2) clients and let them know we had to reschedule. I apologized, and she said "No big deal. These things happen."
And she's right; these things DO happen, and they're NOT a big deal. But I make them into Big Deals. And things like this have been happening quite a bit over the past few months. Which lead me and my brain into Worst Case Scenario Land (I'm gonna get fired! Who's going to take care of my private client? Will she like them better than me? What will I do with my life? and on and on.)
And it finally occurred to me, at 3:30 this morning, that I am quite simply overwhelmed. Stretched too thin. Overextended. I NEVER have fewer than a dozen thoughts racing through my brain at any given moment. I'm never able to sit still. There are ALWAYS a ton of things that have to be done RIGHT NOW, and to top it all off, I've been summoned for jury duty, AGAIN!!!!!! Honestly, this is, like, the 5th time in 3 years! I ALWAYS send them a doctor's note informing them that I am the mother/primary caregiver of 2 young kids with Autism, and cannot serve at this time. I don't know WHY they keep summoning me! It's not like my kids aren't still Autistic, People!
Anyway, between Pilates and the drama classes, it's become too much. I may have mentioned before that I'm burning out. Add to that the fact that the kids have been on vacation for two weeks and Hubby has only been home long enough to sleep, and I feel like I'm drowning. I am only one person, and there are only so many hours in a day. Sure, it would be GREAT if I could find a part-time job that lets me work only the hours my kids are in school (and pays well and is personally fulfilling. Hey, I don't ask much!), but those are hard to come by these days. I was also planning on taking that Intro to Psychology class this summer, but between the move, the summer break, and helping the kids get adjusted, I just don't think it's feasible.
So, I'm now planning on taking the class in the Fall, when the kids are in school.
But there are deeper issues at work here. The 3 books I'm reading are helping me to take a good look at myself. (The 3rd one, BTW, is a novel called "G-d On A Harley." I bought it about 3 1/2 years ago but never read it. I'm ready for it now.) There's a moment in "GOAH" in which Joe (the name He uses when he appears in human form to our heroine) asks the main character why she feels people are always rejecting her. Why is it always about HER and not the other person? And BOY HOWDY did that hit home! Why do I feel I'm being constantly and negatively judged by everyone? From friends and family to complete strangers? Why do I have Worst Case Scenario Brain And how do I get over it, already?!?!?!
Why do I feel responsible for everyone and everything, all the time? Why do I let others get away with slacking and being selfish, but not myself? Why do I feel like I have to pick up THEIR slack? When someone else says "I don't feel like doing (fill in the blank)", why do I just accept it? Why don't I say "Well, what about what the REST of us want?"
Or even, "What about what I want?!?!?!"
What ABOUT what I want?
What DO I want?
To be continued...