Yes, I'm posting again this morning after posting last night. Because I had an epiphany this morning.
I'm reading a book called "Weight Release" by Freeman Michaels. (I'm still working my way through "A Course in Weight Loss." S-L-O-W-L-Y. Just finishing lesson 2. I don't want to go too quickly.) I'm just starting this book. As in, still reading the introduction. But something he wrote REALLY struck me, and I FINALLY get it!
For all my talk about not judging my life based on external factors, I am still doing exactly that. In every moment, in thousands of ways. I have lived my life listening to my inner Simon Cowell, and it hasn't served me. At all. I feel watched and judged to the point of paranoia, and I never, for a single second, have felt good enough.
Good enough for what, or whom, you may ask?
Well, that's just it: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Who is this large, shadowy presence looming over me, deeming me unworthy every second of every day of my life? Telling me there is still more to be done, even after I have given everything I have and am? Telling me it's not enough and never will be?
Well, that's the question. Today I begin digging for the answer.
Because 41 + years of feeling like a failure, even in the midst of what many would call success, is quite enough, thank you.
The other day Hubby was telling me that he's feeling burned out at work. He, like me, needs a vacation. My first instinct was to say to myself "OK, I have to hunker down and get a good, full-time, well-paying job, just in case Hubby gets total burnout and can't continue." Luckily for me, I soon realized what I was doing and put a stop to it.
Because I am not responsible for his feelings. And he doesn't expect me to be! I can and will help in any way possible, but he is not a child, and I need to stop treating him like one, even if it's only in my head that I do so. He is an adult, taking responsibility for his life and his family. As am I. And, quite frankly, I CANNOT take more on than I already have at the moment. Because working 3 part-time jobs, subbing, raising 2 kids with special needs and trying to provide 3 mostly-healthy meals (plus snacks) and keeping the house relatively clean is enough, without adding on guilt that I'm not making more money.
If some people where I work think I don't do enough, that is their problem, not mine. If they want to teach 12 classes a week, I say more power to 'em! But don't expect me to do the same, because I simply cannot.
And it really IS NOT about the weight! Or the food, or the numbers on the scale and/or pedometer. It's not even necessarily about eating matzoh next week, or feeling guilty of I don't. (That stuff is TRULY the bread of the afflicted, lol!) It's about finding out what goes on inside my head and my heart. About finding my true self, finding the wonder in this world that G-d has given us, and the joy that He wants for us all.
So that's my new goal.