Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Are the Voices in My Head Disturbing You?

First, credit where credit is due: the title of this post is from an interview with a guy I dated in college:  he was a sci-fi geek like myself (we actually met at a meeting of the science fiction fan club on campus) and was a member of a fictional band called the Phillip K. Dickheads.  The college newspaper did an interview with the band, including photos of and quotes from all four members.  He was sweet and hot and adorable and funny, and he put up with my neuroses far longer than he should have.

OK, so to get to the point, the ANNNCs are at it again.  (Annoying Noisy Nosy Nattering Chipmunks, aka; the negative voices in my head.)  The "Shoulds" are creeping back in.
I'm noticing this happens when I'm facing undue stress and/or feeling guilty.  Which, OK, is pretty much all the time, I know, but MORE guilt and stress than usual.
So what am I feeling guilty about:

Feeding my kids lots of (whole wheat) pasta.
Spending lots of money on groceries.
Not being able to sub more classes for colleagues who are going on vacation.  (I know, I know!  I'm feeling guilty for NOT being able to do other peoples' work...WACKY!!!!!!!)
Being in the doghouse with my supervisor.   Again.  (Long story, has to do with a class, my kids' spring break schedules, and lack of child care.)
Being vegan (for the time being) and eating lots of carbs.
Falling off the wagon and eating turkey sausage last night.  With cheese in it. (Hello, self, remember; no food guilt?!?!?!  Remember that?)
Sitting at the computer on my one day off this week instead of going outside/walking the dog/paying bills/cleaning the closet.
The fact that, as much as I love the kids I teach, I don't want to go back to this particular teaching job next September due to other circumstances.
That I may not have the energy to teach this two-week summer camp.  It's an AMAZING program, and I would love to be a part of it, but I'm not 26 and childless anymore.  I just don't have the same energy levels I had back then.
That we're taking our kids away from the place that has been their home for nearly 5 years, since they were 5 and nearly 3. The place we have lived the longest since before the kids were born.
And some weird-a** guilt over being vegan and also of the idea of NOT being vegan.

Stressing over:

Being a vegan in a carnivorous house once we move.
Not doing enough yoga.  (I mean, really, how weird is it that I'm stressing over not doing yoga?!?!?!)
The Big Issues.  The things over which I have no control.
The move.
Finances (of course, nothing new there). And the fact there may well be a government shut-down this week, which may mean that Hubby doesn't get paid.
My weight, 'cause it's always a good thing to focus on when I can't handle the bigger issues (sarcastic eye roll).
What happens, as time goes on, with my kids: their education, their therapies, their futures, what happens when Hubby and I are no longer around, etc.
What if I start taking my drama therapy classes and discover I don't like them?  What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

But even with all that going on, there's all the good stuff to focus on.  Right now, at the park across the street, there's a group of adults with special needs having a picnic.  I see these guys quite often, and I want to know where the facility is, if it's nearby.  It could be a great resource for us, for many of the questions we have!  Plus, it's great to see them out and about.  And when we wave hello, it makes them so happy!  Such a small thing!
(BTW, Darius Rucker, former lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, performed on the Academy of Country Music Awards the other night with a group of adults with developmental disabilities.  It was amazing!  I think it's on YouTube, if you want to watch it.  Just have a hanky handy.)

OK.  Enough. I'm gonna go use my online meditation thingy and stop obsessing about all this.


Geosomin said...

"VTuesday, April 5, 2011
Are the Voices in My Head Disturbing You?"
He hee...no. I have my tin foil hat on! All I can hear are my oen voices :)

Try and not let it get to you too much...

azusmom said...

I like the hat, lol!!!!!!