Pissed!

OK, I know I've said this before, but I REALLY need to stay out of political discussions on Facebook!  Someone who doesn't know me at all just called me a name because she misinterpreted something I wrote.  But what really ticks me off is that one of my so-called friends, someone who DOES know me and has known me since we were in kindergarten, "liked" her comment.
I am sick of being bullied.  I often use humor to try and defuse a situation.  Well, I'm done.  I am sick TO DEATH of being disrespected, dismissed, and called names! I treat people with respect, and would appreciate the same.  You can disagree with me without calling me names or being rude. If you don't want  to hear a different POV, then stay out of the discussion.

OK, quick update: I just got a message from my friend who started the discussion (who stood up for me, which I SO appreciate!), that the woman who called me out is her cousin and not very nice.  And another guy who was giving me crap actually spews a lot of it himself.
So I feel better.  But I think I need to let go of the idea that the majority of people I interact with on Facebook are reasonable people.  And one cannot reason with the unreasonable.

Whew.  Deep breath.
All done.

How Can I Think With This Fog Permeating My Brain?!?!?!?!

I seem to get my Bad Cold this time of year.
And then conveniently forget, so by the time mid-April rolls around the following year, I'm surprised when I get sick.
I'm like that character Tom from "50 First Dates," who introduces himself to a group of people, only to forget and do it all over again.

Anyway, I have The Cold, and it stinks!!!!  I'm doping up on cold medicine and continuing to work and take care of the kids, and since I can't take time off, I'm gonna whine:

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tiredmybodyhurtsmyheadhurtsIkeepcoughingandsneezingIwantmymommyIwannagohooooooome!!!!!!!!

Oh.  Wait.  I am home.

But I have to teach tomorrow: the young 'uns and the not-quite-as young 'uns.  And I don't wanna!!!!!!!

OK.  Whining over.

I have to confess right now that I'm watching E! News coverage of the royal wedding..  In typical over-the-top, 21st-century fashion, they open the show with "SECURITY SCANDAL!  WILL KATE HAVE TO GUARD HERSELF ON HER WEDDING DAY?!?!?!?!"
Um...noooo...
One 18 year-old security guard has been fired because he called Kate a "posh b*tch" in a tweet.  Apparently he stood outside as Wills and Kate rode by and she didn't give him enough of a wave.
Uh-huh.
Boy, what a byotch! (Eye roll)
So, yeah, that kid's out of a job, and rightly so, IMHO.
Get over yourself, dude!!!!!!!

OK, enough royal stuff for one post.
And, no, I'm not going to watch it live, as it's on at 3 AM here.  I'm pretty sure it'll be repeated a few (thousand) times, so I'll get to see it. I need all the sleep I can get.
I'm sure Kate and Wills will find a way to go on without me.

In other news, since I still can't seem to post links on this blog, I am going to direct you to my new set of FAVORITE videos on YouTube.  Find time to head on over there and type in "Jersey Shore Gone Wilde." Two actors from the Broadway production of "The Importance of Being Earnest" act out transcripts from Jersey Shore in the style of Oscar Wilde.  There are 5 videos, and they are AWESOME!!!!!!!  Check it out, I promise you won't regret it.

OK.  Gonna go lie down and watch more mindless drivel.  There's a "Mob Wives" makeover coming up!!!!!

Oh, So THAT'S What's Going On!

Yup, posting again, mere hours after the last post.  Because last night, with one little text, things went a little crazy and then great clarity was had.
I was supposed to have the day off due to my childcare situation.  then last hight at 9 PM I received a text from work informing me that I had 3 clients and a demo class at 10:15 this morning (Friday).   First I texted my M-I-L (I LOVE that she texts!) to see of she was available to watch LG, but she isn't.  My F-I-L has a doctor's appt. this morning, and he's still not allowed to drive. So I called my supervisor who had, alas, already left.  Then I called the front desk and explained the situation, and my heroine there offered to call the (already down to 2) clients and let them know we had to reschedule.  I apologized, and she said "No big deal. These things happen."
And she's right; these things DO happen, and they're NOT a big deal.  But I make them into Big Deals.  And things like this have been happening quite a bit over the past few months. Which lead me and my brain into Worst Case Scenario Land (I'm gonna get fired! Who's going to take care of my private client?  Will she like them better than me?  What will I do with my life? and on and on.)
And it finally occurred to me, at 3:30 this morning, that I am quite simply overwhelmed.  Stretched too thin.  Overextended.  I NEVER have fewer than a dozen thoughts racing through my brain at any given moment.  I'm never able to sit still.  There are ALWAYS a ton of things that have to be done RIGHT NOW, and to top it all off, I've been summoned for jury duty, AGAIN!!!!!! Honestly, this is, like, the 5th time in 3 years!   I ALWAYS send them a doctor's note informing them that I am the mother/primary caregiver of 2 young kids with Autism, and cannot serve at this time.  I don't know WHY they keep summoning me!  It's not like my kids aren't still Autistic, People!
Anyway, between Pilates and the drama classes, it's become too much.  I may have mentioned before that I'm burning out.  Add to that the fact that the kids have been on vacation for two weeks and Hubby has only been home long enough to sleep, and I feel like I'm drowning.  I am only one person, and there are only so many hours in a day.  Sure, it would be GREAT if I could find a part-time job that lets me work only the hours my kids are in school (and pays well and is personally fulfilling. Hey, I don't ask much!), but those are hard to come by these days. I was also planning on taking that Intro to Psychology class this summer, but between the move, the summer break, and helping the kids get adjusted, I just don't think it's feasible.
So, I'm now planning on taking the class in the Fall, when the kids are in school.

But there are deeper issues at work here.  The 3 books I'm reading are helping me to take a good look at myself.  (The 3rd one, BTW, is a novel called "G-d On A Harley."  I bought it about 3 1/2 years ago but never read it.  I'm ready for it now.) There's a moment in "GOAH" in which Joe (the name He uses when he appears in human form to our heroine) asks the main character why she feels people are always rejecting her. Why is it always about HER and not the other person?  And BOY HOWDY did that hit home!  Why do I feel I'm being constantly and negatively judged by everyone?  From friends and family to complete strangers? Why do I have Worst Case Scenario Brain And how do I get over it, already?!?!?!
Why do I feel responsible for everyone and everything, all the time?  Why do I let others get away with slacking and being selfish, but not myself?  Why do I feel like I have to pick up THEIR slack?   When someone else says "I don't feel like doing (fill in the blank)", why do I just accept it?  Why don't I say "Well, what about what the REST of us want?"

 Or even, "What about what I want?!?!?!"

What ABOUT what I want?
What DO I want?

To be continued...

Dear Khloe Kardashian: You Are NOT Fat!

I rarely have much empathy for anyone with the last name of Kardashian.  Yes, I'm sorry that Robert passed away, but beyond that, I generally try to ignore them.
I DO, however, listen to the radio and watch TV, and it's hard to get away from them.  I recently heard 2 older male deejays refer to Khloe as the fat one, and I saw a preview for the new Kardashian show (lord help us, another one!) in which Khloe breaks down in tears and says "I'm so fat!"  Apparently the tabloids have been going after her.
So I guess Kim is the "hot" one,  Kourtney is the one stuck with Psycho Scott, and the others are...underage.
But if Khloe is fat, well then, I want to be fat like her!
She's tall.  She has a larger frame than we're used to seeing on TV.  But fat?!?!?!?!  WTH?!?!?!  What year is this, 1998?  Is "Allie McBeal" the number-one TV show?  Are we still considering lollipop heads the ultimate in beauty?  Did the last decade never happen?!?!?!

Just had to get that off my chest.

In better news, LG and I have been having a FUN spring break!  Today I took him to the pool at the gym, and he had such a good time!  And the three of us have been taking walks and having dance parties when Hubby's not home.  We'll try to do that more when he IS home, so he can join in the fun, lol!
I'm kinda sad that LG's break is over soon.  If you'd have told me 4 years ago that he would be so easy and fun to take out and about, I'd have had you committed.  It gives me a lot of hope that WG will be the same way in a couple of years. (Entertaining little tidbit: the other day I had to g to the police station to get a document signed, and took LG with me.  In the middle of the station, well, I guess he decided he just couldn't hold it in anymore: he yelled out "Dance!" and started tap dancing away.  Hey, when dance fever hits, it hits!  I'd like to think he brought a bit of brightness to everyone's day.)

And I just have to say, on another topic entirely, I just saw a preview for "Doctor Who" on Nickelodeon.  First time EVER!  And it makes me think that all my years of geekdom, all the crap my friend Maria and I took when we were in school because of our love for the show, all the teasing we dealt with for YEARS, has all been vindicated.

Revenge of the Nerds, indeed!

Hate.

If you read this blog regularly, you know that I am a Huge "Doctor Who" fan, and have been since I was a kid. Today there has been some very sad news: Elisabeth Sladen, who joined the show in the early 70's, has passed away from cancer at the age of 63.  She played one of the most popular companions, Sarah Jane Smith.  She made a number of guest appearances on the revamped version of the show, and then had her own spin-off, "The Sarah Jane Adventures," which was geared toward younger kids.

I was watching some clips from that show last week.  I had no idea she was sick.  I didn't know her personally, had never met her, but she was a big part of my childhood, in a way. She was also married with a daughter, and I can only imagine how much they are hurting.

A few years ago Ron Silver died from cancer.  He was also in his mid-sixties, and another talented actor.  And, of course, I think about my dad.  I think about this horrible disease that takes so many people, way before their time, and robs families of loved ones.  How unfair it is and, yes, I realize life is unfair, but cancer seems to be on a scale that is just so cosmically huge, and it's so prevalent, it sometimes seems like a modern plague.

And I hate it.

(Of course, I don't know anyone who LIKES cancer.)

So what is it?  Lifestyle?  The fact that we now live so much longer than we used to?  The chemicals and pollutants we ingest all our lives?  Stress? All of the above?  NONE of the above?

I lost my maternal grandmother to cancer: she was tremendously stressed out about her son, my uncle, who was suffering from mental illness (and ended up committing suicide, but after she and my grandfather were gone).  My dad was the kind of guy who worried about everyone and everything all the time.  His folks both had heart disease, so he and his doctors were vigilant about heart health, but no one imagined he'd get Melanoma.  My mom had a bout of breast cancer: luckily it was caught early and she's free and clear.
My B-I-L's dad died from cancer.
Our dog Tundra died from cancer.  And now our dog Luna may have cancer in her bladder.

And it all makes me so completely pissed off!
Because even when people survive, there's always the chance it could come back.  I know this should be telling me that life is precious, the unexpected happens, and we should all live each day to the fullest.  And all of that is true.  But when I hear about another person dying from cancer, or diagnosed with cancer, I just want to scream and throw things.

Two nights ago I dreamed about my dad.  Last night I dreamed about my high school drama teacher, who also passed away a few years ago.  I don't know what it means, but I hope that they're coming to me from a beautiful, peaceful place.  I hope the message is that death is not to be feared.  It doesn't mean it hurts any less to lose people, but maybe if they ARE in a wonderful place, it makes it better.  Just a little bit.

At least, I hope so.

Epiphany!

Yes, I'm posting again this morning after posting last night.  Because I had an epiphany this morning.
I'm reading a book called "Weight Release" by Freeman Michaels. (I'm still working my way through "A Course in Weight Loss."  S-L-O-W-L-Y.  Just finishing lesson 2.  I don't want to go too quickly.)  I'm just starting this book.  As in, still reading the introduction. But something he wrote REALLY struck me, and I FINALLY get it!
For all my talk about not judging my life based on external factors, I am still doing exactly that.  In every moment, in thousands of ways.  I have lived my life listening to my inner Simon Cowell, and it hasn't served me.  At all.  I feel watched and judged to the point of paranoia, and I never, for a single second, have felt good enough.
Good enough for what, or whom, you may ask?
Well, that's just it: I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Who is this large, shadowy presence looming over me, deeming me unworthy every second of every day of my life?  Telling me there is still more to be done, even after I have given everything I have and am?  Telling me it's not enough and never will be?
Well, that's the question.  Today I begin digging for the answer.
Because 41 + years of feeling like a failure, even in the midst of what many would call success, is quite enough, thank you.

The other day Hubby was telling me that he's feeling burned out at work.  He, like me, needs a vacation. My first instinct was to say to myself "OK, I have to hunker down and get a good, full-time, well-paying job, just in case Hubby gets total burnout and can't continue."  Luckily for me, I soon realized what I was doing and put a stop to it.
Because I am not responsible for his feelings. And he doesn't expect me to be!  I can and will help in any way possible, but he is not a child, and I need to stop treating him like one, even if it's only in my head that I do so.  He is an adult, taking responsibility for his life and his family.  As am I.  And, quite frankly, I CANNOT take more on than I already have at the moment.  Because working 3 part-time jobs, subbing, raising 2 kids with special needs and trying to provide 3 mostly-healthy meals (plus snacks) and keeping the house relatively clean is enough, without adding on guilt that I'm not making more money.

If some people where I work think I don't do enough, that is their problem, not mine.  If they want to teach 12 classes a week, I say more power to 'em!  But don't expect me to do the same, because I simply cannot.

And it really IS NOT about the weight!  Or the food, or the numbers on the scale and/or pedometer.  It's not even necessarily about eating matzoh next week, or feeling guilty of I don't. (That stuff is TRULY the bread of the afflicted, lol!) It's about finding out what goes on inside my head and my heart.  About finding my true self,  finding the wonder in this world that G-d has given us, and the joy that He wants for us all.

So that's my new goal.

The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be

And by "The old gray mare" I mean, of course, me.
Just a measly 5 years ago I had all this energy!  I would get LG off to preschool, get WG changed and fed, do a workout, take a shower, bundle WG into her car seat so I could get coffee and have my once-daily conversation with another grown-up (the barista), and the conversation would generally go as follows: B- "Good morning, what can I get for you?" Me- "Morning!  Can I have a [insert coffee here]?"  B- "Sure!  How old is your daughter?" M- [insert age here.]"  B- "OK, here ya go.  Have a nice day!"  M- "You too, thanks!"  And...Scene.
Then we'd go home, get LG off the bus, have lunch, and watch "Sesame Street."  Later, I'd put both kids in the car and we'd drive to either the mall (if it was raining), the public garden (on nice days) or, if I was still tired and desperate for caffeine, we'd go to the San Fernando Valley, to Aroma Cafe, where I'd put them in their double stroller and walk them around the neighborhood while I drank my second caffeine infusion of the day.  After an hour or so we'd go home, I'd make dinner, give them their baths, and we'd all collapse into our various beds.  I'd wake up a few times to feed WG, then we'd get up the next day and do it all over again.

So I had all these GREAT plans for WG's spring break.  And on Monday it went as planned.  Then yesterday, WG was a bit fussy and I was tired.  We went for a drive, but when I took her out of the car to go for a walk (after getting myself more coffee), she didn't want to go.  So we just went to pick up LG from school.  Who, it turns out, was not doing his work or listening to his teachers as much as he usually does.  Which meant he couldn't use the iPod, computer, or TV for the rest of the day.  Which made him a bit calmer, so there ya go.
Today WG was cranky and Mommy was tired, so we mostly hung out at the house.  I had to teach tonight, so I wanted to save a little energy.
Because I just can't do it anymore.
Granted, 5 years ago I was still in my 30's and not working outside the home.  But I must say that there are a number of years, when the kids were younger, that are a blur.  I remember day after day of pushing the kids in their double stroller and doing mountains of laundry, fueled by mochas and very little sleep.
But I made it through, even when Hubby was out of town on tour for months at a time.
I don't think I could do it these days though.  I woke up Tuesday morning and was SO tired and sore! And I feel guilty because there are 2 official days left of her vacation, and LG's break starts next week, and I might not have the energy to get through it!

HEEEELP MEEEEEE!!!!!!!

One Day Down, 13 to Go

WG is on her spring break.  Next week is LG's spring break.  Next week will be easier: LG has an easier time with transitions, and WG gets picked up and dropped off every day, so I won't have to pack both kids into the van to drop her off and get her like I have to do this week.
At first I was bummed when I found out they weren't off the same week, but then I thought back to their February break and how difficult it was, how guilty I felt because it was too hard to take them anywhere (especially when it started raining!).Plus, it gives me some one-on-one time with both of them, which is really rare.
This morning we dropped LG off and went grocery shopping.  WG helped me push the cart and then grabbed a 4-pack of muffins, which she proceeded to devour. Partly.  Leaving the remains (and crumbs) in her bed AND ours, to be discovered by me this evening.  Kind of like an early Passover: we always lost track of the Afikomen and would end up sitting on it the next day, as it was inevitably hidden in the sofa cushions.  You'd think we'd remember, seeing as it was ALWAYS in the same place...)  Later, when I was working out, she helped me by sitting on my back as I did push-ups and on my stomach as I did my ab work.  It's nice to have a live-in personal trainer!  (My favorite part was when she sat with her little tushie right in my face.) Later we picked LG up from school and went for a walk at the mall.
 Now I just have to figure out what to do tomorrow.
One day at a time.
(Oh, and I musn't forget the other 17 messes she's already made.
Oy.)

The good thing is that I'm not working outside the house much this week or next, so I don't have to worry about childcare.  I'm actually only teaching 2 classes this week, which is kind of nice.  It's also nice to just have some downtime.  I'd forgotten what that was like, lol!

Hubby may even take a day off next week, something he hasn't done since he started his new job.  He's had a pretty stressful time of it lately AND he's been sick on top of that, so he definitely needs a break.  Maybe he can do some father/son stuff with LG, who had a GREAT time checking out the new toy store at the mall.  He did it on his own, picking up things that interested him, playing, putting them back.  Independently and all by himself! (Plus, he drew a self-portrait of himself in school today: wearing a t-shirt and underwear, his usual at-home outfit, and joined by Gary the snail from Spongebob.)

All-in-all, it was a great day!  A little fussing when she was hungry (boy, can I relate!), but mostly happy.  Hopefully I can keep her happy, well-fed, and entertained for the next 6 days.  Then it's LG's turn.  Then, 3rd week in May, It's MY TURN, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

OK. gotta go get some sleep.  Another big day tomorrow!

Are the Voices in My Head Disturbing You?

First, credit where credit is due: the title of this post is from an interview with a guy I dated in college:  he was a sci-fi geek like myself (we actually met at a meeting of the science fiction fan club on campus) and was a member of a fictional band called the Phillip K. Dickheads.  The college newspaper did an interview with the band, including photos of and quotes from all four members.  He was sweet and hot and adorable and funny, and he put up with my neuroses far longer than he should have.

OK, so to get to the point, the ANNNCs are at it again.  (Annoying Noisy Nosy Nattering Chipmunks, aka; the negative voices in my head.)  The "Shoulds" are creeping back in.
I'm noticing this happens when I'm facing undue stress and/or feeling guilty.  Which, OK, is pretty much all the time, I know, but MORE guilt and stress than usual.
So what am I feeling guilty about:

Feeding my kids lots of (whole wheat) pasta.
Spending lots of money on groceries.
Not being able to sub more classes for colleagues who are going on vacation.  (I know, I know!  I'm feeling guilty for NOT being able to do other peoples' work...WACKY!!!!!!!)
Being in the doghouse with my supervisor.   Again.  (Long story, has to do with a class, my kids' spring break schedules, and lack of child care.)
Being vegan (for the time being) and eating lots of carbs.
Falling off the wagon and eating turkey sausage last night.  With cheese in it. (Hello, self, remember; no food guilt?!?!?!  Remember that?)
Sitting at the computer on my one day off this week instead of going outside/walking the dog/paying bills/cleaning the closet.
The fact that, as much as I love the kids I teach, I don't want to go back to this particular teaching job next September due to other circumstances.
That I may not have the energy to teach this two-week summer camp.  It's an AMAZING program, and I would love to be a part of it, but I'm not 26 and childless anymore.  I just don't have the same energy levels I had back then.
That we're taking our kids away from the place that has been their home for nearly 5 years, since they were 5 and nearly 3. The place we have lived the longest since before the kids were born.
And some weird-a** guilt over being vegan and also of the idea of NOT being vegan.

Stressing over:

Being a vegan in a carnivorous house once we move.
Not doing enough yoga.  (I mean, really, how weird is it that I'm stressing over not doing yoga?!?!?!)
The Big Issues.  The things over which I have no control.
The move.
Finances (of course, nothing new there). And the fact there may well be a government shut-down this week, which may mean that Hubby doesn't get paid.
My weight, 'cause it's always a good thing to focus on when I can't handle the bigger issues (sarcastic eye roll).
What happens, as time goes on, with my kids: their education, their therapies, their futures, what happens when Hubby and I are no longer around, etc.
What if I start taking my drama therapy classes and discover I don't like them?  What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

But even with all that going on, there's all the good stuff to focus on.  Right now, at the park across the street, there's a group of adults with special needs having a picnic.  I see these guys quite often, and I want to know where the facility is, if it's nearby.  It could be a great resource for us, for many of the questions we have!  Plus, it's great to see them out and about.  And when we wave hello, it makes them so happy!  Such a small thing!
(BTW, Darius Rucker, former lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, performed on the Academy of Country Music Awards the other night with a group of adults with developmental disabilities.  It was amazing!  I think it's on YouTube, if you want to watch it.  Just have a hanky handy.)

OK.  Enough. I'm gonna go use my online meditation thingy and stop obsessing about all this.