OK, so I don't intend to be one of those bloggers who writes about what"my therapist told me..." But yesterday's session was a doozy, and I AM going to write about some things I have learned.
It's not exactly news that I have devalued myself for as long as I can remember. What IS news is the extent to which I've done it. In my last post, I wondered, in essence, why people have a tendency to walk all over me. Well, when you make like a doormat, people are gonna wipe their shoes on ya.
There's a big difference between being nice and being a patsy. The problem is, when you see yourself as completely unworthy of anything good, it's hard to TELL the difference. You want so desperately to be liked that you let people treat you like crud. And, of course, none of it is conscious on your part! It seems so obvious as I sit here typing it out, but it wasn't, at all.
Now I think to myself "OF COURSE I became an actor! What better profession for someone who is used to-nay-COMFORTABLE being yelled at, hyper-criticized, and crapped on ALL. THE TIME! Someone who believes she will NEVER be successful because WHY would she be? OF COURSE I'd live paycheck to paycheck, because who in their right mind would pay ME a decent, living wage? I don't deserve that!"
Except, the thing is, I DO. I DESERVE to be paid well for my skills. I deserve to be treated with respect, to be spoken to as a colleague and a professional, not as a child servant. I DESERVE things like a REAL vacation, time to myself, help with the kids and the house and all the crazy scheduling I have to do; scheduling that would make General Petrais beg to be sent back to Afghanistan!
And just because I work part-time doesn't mean I have all this other FREE time! Because if I did, I'D BE WORKING FULL-TIME, YOU IDIOTS! (Not YOU, Gentle Reader, but some of the folks I work with.) The fact is, I have 3 part-time jobs and 1 FULL-TIME job. Because if ANYONE thinks that being a mom, especially with kids with special needs, is anything less than a full-time job, I'd like to see them try it for a day without running away and crying for their mammas!
So here's the thing: I Am DONE. I'm done taking the bullcrap. The next time ANYONE questions my abilities, commitment, or professionalism, they are going to get an EARFUL at the least. They may end up minus a few layers of skin, depending on the day. And if they don't like the way I work, they are free to hire someone else.
But good luck finding someone as good as me, Mother*^+#ers!!!!!