Even though I don't have panic attacks anymore, I am still riddled with anxiety. For a long time I told myself that I was THROUGH with anxiety, that it no longer plagued me, I was FREE!
Except I wasn't, and I'm not.
Don't get me wrong; not having crippling panic attacks multiple times a day is a HUGE relief, and my anxiety level is WAY lower than it used to be, and that is GREAT. But I am not completely free of it. It is one of the (many) emotions I have stuffed down over the years.
So now I'm feeling it, which totally sucks, but is part of The Process. The thing is, I have to wonder if all this anxiety is over current events or a kind of emotional rewind. Am I anxious because of all the crap that is currently going on in my life, or is all that gut-churning, repressed anxiety making its way to the fore after all these years? Or both?
I can ask the same question of all the others; depression, anger, sadness, etc., etc., etc.
And does it matter? Because, at the end of the day, it still sucks. I still feel awful. I still want to do rash things, like hunt someone down and bash them over the head repeatedly, or tell someone I really do love to go away and not come back, or something that I will most certainly regret later.
I read something the other night that just hit me in the head like a cosmic punt: "Feeling trapped is one of the main reasons for overeating."
On went the ol' lightbulb!
So I asked myself when I have felt trapped in my life. And it turns out that I have felt trapped more often than not. And that I often create my own prison. I have been repeating patterns over and over and over.
And, again, isn't that the definition of insanity?
So, I will try and refrain from acting rashly. Like an addict finishing rehab, when they are advised not to make any huge life decisions for a year. I will refrain from hitting people, unless it is self-defense or in defense of another. I will not ask certain people to get the hell out of my sight. I won't even post on Facebook until I've had a good while to calm down!
Perspective is key.
And on a MUCH happier note, last night I dreamt that Matt Smith (the current "Doctor Who") and David Tennant (the former "Doctor Who") were both hanging out with me and giving me lots of nice hugs. You know, the kind where you are fully enveloped and squeezed just hard enough; not too little and not so much that you can't breathe? The kind of hug you give an old, dear friend you haven't seen in a long time?
It was just what I needed! A night full of perfect hugs!
The same kind I am sending to you guys, right now!
Have a wonderful weekend!