Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Here I Go Again

Wondering whether or not to take a blogcation.  Blog hiatus.  A break from blogging.  This time it's because I seem to be in a constant bad mood and don't particularly want to subject other people to it, even over the interwebs.
Because there's not a whole lot of new stuff for me to blog about.  I'm going through The Process, and seem to be in the Quagmire section of it.  I'm stuck feeling all the negative emotions I never used to let myself feel.  I'm not sleeping.  I'm cranky. I'm hating my job,  and all the stupid campaign ads, every politician who ever lived/is alive now/has yet to be born (to be fair, I feel like this EVERY election year).
I feel like I'm withdrawing from my life, in some ways.  The things I used to enjoy are now just meh.  It feels kinda like depression, except that I still take great joy in being with my family (most of the time, lol!) and things like being outside, socializing (when I'm actually able to), and more basic human stuff.  So I don't think I'm any more depressed that usual (and it IS that time of the month), I just think things are shifting.
I went through something like this in my 20's, while in grad school.  I was dating my husband and realizing that this acting thing, on which I had hinged my entire existence, may not be what I wanted anymore.  It would take me another 8 years to give it up entirely, but that was when the first stirrings of doubt began, and I didn't know how to handle it.  I had sacrificed so much for it, invested time, energy, and money not only into the profession, but into the school I was at at the time.  I felt that if I quit, I'd be letting everyone down.  Besides, I didn't have any other skills, or so I believed then.  So I kept going, to the point where I nearly had a complete breakdown.  I finished school, moved to L.A., and started doing the unemployed actor thing.  My saving grace was teaching.  I was lucky enough to get a few part-time teaching jobs, which I loved. And every once in a while I'd work on a show that was just fun and fabulous, and my love for acting would be re-kindled for a while. But it never lasted long.
I finally had a good excuse to "take a break" from it when I was pregnant with our daughter and our son was very young.  Everyone understood.  I wanted to be with him and take it easy as much as possible for the rest of my pregnancy.  Focus on staying healthy and being a mom.  Later, when the kids were still very young, I could say (truthfully!) that I was (and am) just too tired.  Most shows start at 8 PM, and I like to be in bed by 9, if possible!  But, again, that is partly a convenient excuse. 
Taking that voiceover class earlier in the year convinced me that, right now, I have NO desire to get back on stage.  And, to tell the truth, as much as I love teaching, the Pilates is getting a little old for me. As much as I love it and believe that it does a lot of good, I am still in an industry where physicality and image are important. Fitness instructors are "supposed" to look a certain way.  Pilates teachers "should" have the flattest abs around!  And, well, I just DON'T, lol!  And it seems the longer I stay in the industry, the more weight I put on.  Because I put so much pressure on myself to be thin, and I stress out, causing myself to eat emotionally and gain even MORE weight!
Then there's the fact that I'm starting to dread going to work to teach my classes.  Once there, I'm fine.  More than fine, I'm happy and excited!  But I know it won't be long until it feels like drudgery, and my clients don't deserve that!
I will stick with it for now.  Eventually I may phase myself out, finding others to replace me.  There are so many great teachers at all the gyms I work for.  I'm hoping to get back to teaching more acting and drama, to coaching actors, and maybe even, as I've mentioned before, drama therapy.  Plus, I've always wanted to direct a show at a community theater!  And why the heck not? 
So I'm figuring a lot of things out.  I will most likely continue to post, but it may not be all that interesting, and might even get downright depressing at times.  But I guess that's partly what a blog is for, right?
Plus, it helps me clear my mind and figure out what the heck is going on inside me. 
And I REALLY need to stop feeling like I have to entertain everyone all the time! 
Ah, the curse of the insecure artist!


Geosomin said...

Just write what you feel when you feel it.
It's all good :)

Charlotte said...

((hugs)) girl. You will stay in my reader FOREVER because you are a friend now. A friend that I love and care about. So no worries about entertaining me or posting or whatever. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself and the kidlets. I'll still be here.