Well, things came to a head yesterday. In the morning I brought LG to school, then took WG to Floortime therapy, where I spoke to her OT about the head shaking she's been doing lately. Then I drove her down to San Jose to her school, went to my therapist (how in the world did I ever get by w/o my therapist?!?!), went to the bank to pay the mortgage, came home for a quick lunch and a bit of "Doctor Who" on BBC America, picked LG up from school, got WG off the bus, gave her a bath, made dinner...
And found out that I have NO ONE to watch the kids while I do my new teaching job. Was talking to Hubby about it over dinner, and he made a comment that struck me in a certain way, that wasn't meant in that way, but still made me feel even worse than I already did. Then, via email, I got a message from the OT (how did I ever survive without her?!) who had done some research on the kind of head shaking WG has been doing and told us we need to see a neurologist, just to be on the safe side. Because that kind of movement is often (but not always) related to SEIZURES!
So by this point I was feeling the old anxiety creeping in. I haven't had a panic attack in years, but if I were still prone to them, this one would have been a doozy, lol!
We then went to my in-laws' house. My F-I-L is home from the hospital and doing well, but needs to convalesce for the next 4 months. My M-I-L is taking care of him. And she's a retired VA nurse, so he won't be able to get away with ANY bunk, lol!
I babysat my nephew, and kept an eye on my little monkeys. For a little while there I felt a bit like a zoo keeper during a full moon. But it was fun, and got my mind off of things for a bit.
AT bedtime, once the kids were asleep, Hubby and I had a talk. I told him all the things I've been feeling lately, and I mentioned how hurt I was by his comment about my job. He truly didn't mean ot the way it sounded, and was horrified that he'd hurt me.
See, THIS is what I NEED to remember when I'm feeling this way! If I just TALK to him about it, he understands! We clear the air! No, he's not perfect, and sometimes he gets defensive, but who doesn't?
I'm also FINALLY realizing, deep down where it matters, that the happiness of others is not my responsibility! Yes, my kids are my priority, but I cannot always ensure that they will be filled with unending joy. And, well, they don't have to be! Because they need to learn to deal with their emotions now, not when their in their 40's. I think a BIG mistake a lot of us parents make is trying to keep our kids happy ALL THE TIME. It's just not realistic, and doesn't prepare them for the world.
But it's especially true that I'm not responsible for the emotions of other adults. I was with someone once who drank a lot. I blamed myself for his unhappiness. Isn't that typical enabling behavior? I didn't confront him about his drinking because I didn't want to be a "nag." I thought that if I were a better person, he'd be happier and wouldn't drink so much. Textbook stuff. And you know what? He blamed me, too. I was there, and I accepted the blame. I didn't value myself AT ALL. And neither did he.
I was thinking about this the other day, and I said to myself (because this is how my brain works), "Alyssa, if you had THAT much power over other people, the world would be run by ducks. Because you'd have all the control, and you like ducks more than you like people, so you'd put the ducks in charge. But the ducks are NOT in charge, therefore it stands to reason that you DON'T have that much power over other people, and their emotional well-being IS NOT YOUR JOB!!!!!! So there!"
It makes sense to me, anyway.
Today is the second anniversary of my dad's passing. I kinda feel like he's up there, guiding me along this specific path. Like I'm doing the things he wasn't able to do, emotionally. He was of another generation. And while he never hid his feelings, I think he had trouble recognizing the deep-seated issues in his own life. I know he wouldn't want me to live like this; a walking, talking, tightly-wound bundle of anger, anxiety, insecurity, depression, and deep. DEEP sadness. And he DEFINITELY wouldn't want his grandkids to learn to live like that!
So my job is to take care of myself. To find a new way of living, to be a better example for my kids.