Monday, September 27, 2010

Dragged, Kicking and Screaming, Into the 21st Century. Oh, And a Tangent.

So we broke down and bought an iPod Touch, 4th generation.  We did our research, figured out which iThingy we wanted (iPhone? Too many monthly fees.  iPad? Not quite ready for that.  Ah! iPod Touch! Everything we need in a small enough package for the kids!)
Because there are so many great things for the kids available in an app, including assistive communication tools.  I was sitting between LG and my nephew, who is all of 2 1/2, and both of them were effortlessly navigating iPhones.  Meanwhile I couldn't even figure out how to turn the darn things on!
Today, however, Hubby gave me a little tutorial, so now I can at least download stuff onto our new iPod. I was quite proud of myself, for about 20 minutes! Until I realized how much  I don't know about all this new-fangled technology.
I also realized I needed a break, and left the kids with Hubby while I went off to Barnes & Noble to read magazines and have a Frappucino.

Hubby is watching HBO.  LG is repeating all the bad words.  I think it's time I brought him upstairs.  More tomorrow.

Well, it's tomorrow.  Unfortunately, it's 3 AM and I've been up since 12:45, having finally fallen asleep at 11:30 only to be awakened by WG's wails.  Hubby calmed her down, but she stayed awake and started wandering.  I put the gate up in her room, and have been awake ever since.
This is after my "day off," which included me making 3 meals, washing the dishes, taking the dog for a walk, grocery shopping, and getting my monthly allotment of a whole hour to myself.
This MUST change.
Am I the only person here capable of doing laundry?  Of washing a dish? Of preparing food?  Of cleaning up messes?  I think not! 
I need to start just taking more time for myself.  Like Hubby does.  Men are better at that than women are.  (It's the ONE thing I will say they excel at over women.  OK, and beard-growing, for the most part.) They don't seem to ever feel guilty about it, whereas we tear ourselves to shreds if we dare sit on the couch before the house is spotless and everyone else is blissfully happy. ("Spotless" being a relative term in our house.  Basically, it meansbeing able to navigate a path upstairs without fear we will fall over some kind of clutter and hurt ourselves.)
It seems we are going in circles: I take care of everyone and everything until I realize I am doing it with very little help.  I get angry and tell Hubby I need more help.  He agrees, and helps for a bit, until I start doing it all, again, and getting angry, again.
This past week was INSANE!  Hubby was in Yosemite last weekend, so the rest of us were helping his folks get the house ready for when his dad comes home from the hospital.  Monday was the surgery.  All week we have been driving down to Santa Clara to be with him.  Meanwhile, his mom and sisters are staying at a hotel nearby.  (Actually, his mom had been pretty much living at the hospital, until the doctor ordered her to go back to the hotel and get some sleep.) And, of course, we're all working and/or going to school.
Needless to say, by the time Saturday afternoon rolled around (I taught Saturday morning), I was in desperate need of a break.  Didn't really get one, though, until Sunday afternoon. 
And now it's the wee hours of Monday morning, and I'm wide awake.  Which completely STINKS!  Because everyone else is asleep, and even if I am able to fall back asleep, I have to be up in 2 hours.  And WG will NOT be happy in the morning, because she was up for 2 hours tonight. I will drop the kids off at school and try to nap when I get home.  But I also have to do the laundry, clean the house, take the dog out, and bring the kids back down to Santa Clara to visit Papa.  Hubby will be working then going to his motorcycle class. 
There are times, and this is one of them, when I feel like a single parent.  Hubby has agreed not to take any classes next semester, because I am working more hours and need help with the kids.  He also goes to the rock gym with his friends every Friday night.  And I'm glad!  It's a good thing, and he needs it!  But I am still in the isolated, new-mom, I-have-no-friends, I-hardly-leave-the-house-except-for-work phase 7 years after the fact.  It is very difficult and extremely lonely.
There are times, and this is one of them, when I feel I am being taken for granted.  I cannot count how many times I have told Hubby this over the years.  I don't understand why we keep falling into the same patterns.  I guess that's part of life?  If you don't stay vigilant, history will repeat itself.

So, here are my new resolutions:
I am NOT solely responsible for keeping the house clean!
I REFUSE to feel guilty for asking him for help.  Yes, he works full time.  But guess what? So do I!  I just don't get paid for all of it!
I need a social life just as much as he does.  I would also like him to carve out some time for just the 2 of us.  I am NOT solely responsible for this relationship!
If this insomnia keeps up, I WILL go to the doctor and see what I can do.  Preferably without sleeping pills.
I will NOT feel guilty for having him take care of WG when she wakes up in the middle of the night.  I did it every night for 6 years.
My work is no less valuable than anyone else's.
My TIME is no less valuable than anyone else's.
I am NOT the maid, the cook, the chauffeur, the therapist. I am a wife, a mom, a teacher, and, first and foremost, I am a PERSON!
I will NOT feel guilty for sitting down and reading a book.  I don't get vacations, I don't go out, as we've already established.  Reading is my vacation. If I can't have that, then, trust me, you do NOT want to be around me!

So there.


Geosomin said...

Too right.
I'm finding lately, that despite being so busy I am still the one taking the time on the weekend to catch up on laundry, tidy up the place and do the odd chore. My husband "relaxes" a lot more than I do. I think the difference is that guys honetly don't care about tidyness and other stuff as much as we do. Plus I find it hard to turn "it" off...knowing all the things to be done.
For me it's knowing that if I do let it go it is WAY more work than I have time for to get back to normal, so I'd reather spend an hour here and there and keep on top of it. I can't just leave stuff to be done by him...eventually. I end up just doing it so it's done. Of course this does nothing to change things but it gets it done...

azusmom said...

Yeah, I hear ya!