Monday, September 13, 2010

Thoughts at 3:30 AM on a Monday

I feel nauseous.  I think in a good way.  I went to a pretty intense yoga class yesterday with lots of twists.  Maybe it's all those nasty toxins moving out of my system?  Plus, Aunt Flo just showed up.  Oh yeah, and I was starving after class and ate too much.
That might possibly have something to do with it.
Plus nerves; today I'm doing a teacher-training for a group that teaches drama and playwriting to elementary school kids.  My husband worked for them before he got the VA job.  I don't actually have a position with them yet, but maybe sometime in the future.  Meanwhile, I'm doing the training today, and I ALWAYS get nervous before these, no matter how many times I do them.  And I've done them A LOT, lol!
And they're always fun, so I don't know WHY I get so freaked out.
Oh, wait.  Because I'm me, and that's how I roll.

Haven't heard yet about the other teaching job, at the synagogue.  I'm nervous that I won't get it and nervous that I will.
Of course.

Wondering if I should just stick with yoga, Pilates, walking, and riding my bike.  Those are the workouts I love the most.  I use weights in my Pilates, and yoga's great for EVERYTHING.  And it helps with all that worry!
And I'd probably sleep better.

Reading another normal eating book.  Called "Normal Eating for Normal Weight."  ALL of it it is directly applicable to me.  Others have issues with parts of it, which I understand, but, quite frankly, that's not my problem.  I got enough problems of my own, and the book is helping me, so that's what matters to me right now. 
Also realizing that what others have told me is selfish on my part is actually, well, not. 
At all.

It's not that I don't have energy, it's just that it's focused differently.  I came to this conclusion an hour ago. 
Because when I was 28, I was teaching at 2 universities (one in Pomona, an hour west of Los Angeles, and one in San Diego), PLUS doing 5 performances of "Romeo & Juliet" a week in West L.A. PLUS teaching 2 mornings a week in East L.A.  I couldn't do that today.  Because I didn't have kids when I was 28.  It's not that I had SO much more energy; believe me, raising kids takes more energy than ANY class or ANY play ever could! I've just focused my energy.  I'm not as scattered as I was back then.
Thank G-d!

Tried to watch the MTV VMAs last night. 
I'm just too old, and I just don't care.
Plus, remember when they were fun and irreverent and kinda dorky?  Now the popular kids have taken over and it's not fun anymore.
So I watched "The Tome Traveler's Wife."  I'd never read the book, and now I'm kinda glad.  'Cause when I read (and YES, I read, shut up!), it's an emotional investment.  And this one would have left me sobbing and bereft, at a time when I couldn't afford to be. (Kids were VERY young, Hubby was away most of the time, and I was already crying too much from being completely overwhelmed.)
Eric Bana is pretty awesome.  I like Rachel McAdams a lot, too.  But I'm a little sick of seeing 40 year-old men paired with 25 year-old women (who never age, even as their onscreen kids grow up).  (Like in this new movie "The Town?" Ben Affleck is one year younger than me.  Which means he's, yes, 40.  and Blake Lively is his girlfriend in it, I believe.  She's, what, 23?!?!?!  That's kinda gross, and I'm a fan of the Affleck.)  But I enjoyed the film.

Hubby's going to Yosemite next weekend.  Taking a long weekend.  This time I'm going to be smart and call in the reinforcements (aka in-laws) to help with the kids.  I'm going to yoga.  I'm taking time for me.  I'll try not to worry so much about everything. Or feel guilty about taking a nap on my days off when the kids are in school.
'Cause for the past 18 years I have run myself ragged.  I have worked 18 + hour days, often 7 days a week.  I have had almost no real vacation. I have taken care of everything and everyone else. I have worked and sweated and worried and tried to live up to everyone else's expectations while having none of my own.  I have put myself last, and it has been too much and gone on for too long.

And now, I must go back to bed.


Charlotte said...

Hahahah! I did exactly the same thing with the VMAs! Started to read it/watch it on the Internet, got bored and was like "I'm too old to care about this crap..." I love you!

Geosomin said...

I loved the Time Traveller's Wife - I read the book a few years ago. It's brilliant. The movie is OK but take it from me - you really should read the book. There is so much depth to the main characters and their relationships that just glosses over in the's rare to read a book where the characters are so "real" and their relationship is to complex. It's one of my all time favourites...

azusmom said...

Charlotte, great minds, lol! Love you too!

Geo, I think I'll have to read the book now. I can do my crying while the kids are in school, right?