Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hard Times

The oil spill in the gulf (along with the 11 people who died), war, terrorist attacks, failing economies, coal mine explosions, riots, rogue nations going nuclear.
Sometimes I keep expecting to hear the hoof beats of four horsemen.
So maybe it's self-protection, this focusing on my weight.  Maybe it helps prevent me, the Worrier Princess, from falling into complete and utter despair.  Because if I can obsess about my weight, I won't have anxiety attacks over things I can't control, like the the way of the world, whether or not my kids will ever be truly self-sufficient, or what ignorant remark is coming out of Ann Coulter's mouth. (Like the recent "It's snowing in all 50 states, therefore global warming does not exist/only fat chicks who want to be cool still believe it" statement.
Because if I focus on my weight, maybe I can forget the rage I felt toward my daughter this morning as she screamed, scratched us, and pulled our hair. Because she cannot tell us what is wrong, and she is frustrated, and WE are frustrated, and tired of being hurt. Because sometimes I just want her to SHUT UP, and the guilt I feel over it is going to kill me.  Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. When she has 3 or 4 of these meltdowns a day, when we wake up to this every morning, when we are covered in scratches and she yanks tufts of hair out of our heads, and I feel like NO ONE CAN HELP US!!!!!! NO ONE HAS ANY ADVICE FOR US, BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG!!!!!!!!
There are times when I dread being around her, and it kills me to feel that way!  Because she is a wonderful, amazing girl, and I love her more than anything except her brother. My kids are my HEART and my SOUL, and I feel ripped apart right now!

I often try to use humor, here and in my daily life, to, I don't know, just get through the day, I guess.  But sometimes it's a cowardly way out for me.  I use it to ignore what I'm really feeling, to keep things nice and pretty, because I am afraid of what will happen if I FEEL.  It's like a caged tiger, or a bucking Bronco, and I'm the rodeo clown distracting it when it gets loose until I can cage it up again. I am SO AFRAID of the depths of my anger, my grief, sometimes I just want to HOWL it all out, but I can't.  Because people would be afraid of me.  Or I might be punished.

I'm so tired of absorbing other peoples' emotions, nodding in understanding, all the while squelching my own.  I DON'T want to deal with the high-maintenance types all the time! Especially those who are supposedly adults! I'm SICK of being expected to cater to everyone else's needs while ignoring my own! Just because I can remain calm in the face of a "crisis" while others are freaking out does not make it MY problem!!!! And I am SO SICK of being PUNISHED for having feelings! For not being perfect all the time, for having negative reactions in difficult situations!!!!!  I'm only Human!  Cut me some freakin' slack once in a while!

And maybe, just MAYBE, I'd like a vacation.  Just myself. Just for a couple of days.


Geosomin said...

Take the time for yourself...even if it's a short walk outside to just breathe the air and listen to the birds.
When I need to, sometimes this is the only thing that helps me cope: go off alone and yell it out...Find a quiet field where you can scream out all your feelings to the sky and let them rush out...shout from the very core of your soul an let it out...then take a deep breath.
And then come back to life...for me, it makes me feel better. Reminds me that it's OK to feel those things...noone gets the brunt of my frustration but the sky and a few blades of grass :)
Sometimes it's the only thing that sets me straight...

Don't forget to look after *you*.


azusmom said...

Sounds like a great idea! Thank you for your kind words!!!!!!!