Because I DON'T LISTEN!
Soon after writing my last post I threw my back out.
Which, I'm realizing, only happens when I'm stressed out.
So I did NOT teach my class, and did NOT get to go ice skating.
I stayed home and focused on standing up straight. And poked at the knot I've discovered on the right side of my lower back.
Hey, gotta entertain my self somehow!
It's feeling much better. By Saturday I was able to teach again and even do a bit of rollerblading with LG.
On Monday I went to a yoga class with my favorite teacher at a sweet little studio in Menlo Park. Starting the week with an Anusara class is PERFECT!!!!! I won't get to go next week, as I'm subbing another class, but this Monday morning class will be on my agenda whenever possible.
Went to my weight loss center yesterday & we talked about stress. She gave me a great tip: instead of focusing on and worrying about all the things I can't control, I can try just asking G-d & the Universe for the outcome that is best for all of us.
SO much easier, lol!!!!!!!!!
And it's kinda nice to expand that to include EVERYONE. As in, the entire population of earth. And whatever other planets may hold life. 'Cause ya never know.
Tonight we're meeting with a realtor who's going to try and get us a short sale rather than a foreclosure. Kinda last minute, but it would be better! And maybe even buy us a little extra time. This changing-school-districts-in-the-middle-of-the-year-as-opposed-to-over-the-summer-thing is so COMPLICATED!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm stuck in an episode of "Real Housewives of San Mateo County." Except instead of wearing Prada and knocking over restaurant tables I'm just kvetching and crying and walking around in a general state of confusion.
And not sleeping.
WG graced us with another 3 AM concert today. This time it was on her doggie guitar instead of her keyboard.
I have to remember to hide them both once she falls asleep.
But then, she'll probably start wandering around. A least with the concerts she says in her bed.
Hmmm.....
In the meantime, I'll be sending most of the day cleaning and getting rid of more stuff. Which is hugely liberating.
Um, the getting rid of stuff part, not the cleaning.
I mean, let's face it: if housework were liberating we wouldn't have had the Feminist Movement! Am I right or am I right?
(Personally I think we need Feminism 2.0 right about now. But I'm not gonna get political today. Trying to keep calm, and politics is REALLY BAD for that! I'll think about kittens, instead.
Awwww! Kitties!!!!!)
Going back to the, er, back: It's also (yet) another reminder that exercising A LOT isn't always a great idea. Doing a HIIT or Tabata workout followed by strength training or Pilates isn't gonna get the job done. It's only gonna stress out me AND my joints.
And it's exhausting, to boot!
Finally, I'm working on changing my perspective in a lot of ways. Instead of focusing on how tired I am all the time, maybe giving some thought to how lucky and blessed I am. And to all the things I'm able to do. Instead of thinking of myself as old, fat and ugly, realizing I am, in fact, still young, just a bit chubby, and pretty darn cute!
Finally, realizing that I make things a whole lot harder than they need to be. If I can let go and trust, life will play out as it's meant to. I have lots of entities looking out for me and mine. Maybe I can trust them a bit more.
OK. Off to start cleaning.
Woo-hoo!
Have a great day!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Live With Intention
Every day, every MOMENT, there is a choice. I can choose to be anxious, or to feel guilty, or to skip a tough workout, or to make myself feel badly if I'm too tired to do those tabatas. I can choose to eat when I'm not hungry, or to honor my body's signals. I can choose to swallow my anger/sadness/opinions so that someone else, usually someone who has no qualms voicing THEIR opinions and feelings, will not be uncomfortable.
And it does seem that the more ignorant the opinion, the louder its voiced. I can choose to remember that.
I need to remember that almost everything IS a choice. That whatever I obsess over-er-CHOOSE to focus on will be the outcome. If I keep telling myself I CAN'T lose weight, well, then,I'm going to sabotage all my hard work and, guess what: I'll be correct! If I stay in panic mode over all the things that have to get done in the next month, and all the stuff that MIGHT go wrong after we move, well, I'll keep procrastinating, stuff won't get done, and I'll give myself an ulcer.
This morning Hubby told me that there's no way his job at the VA will be made permanent. So he basically has 18 months to find another one. My first instinct, surprise, surprise, was to panic and start shrieking, in my head, that I HAVE TO FIND A JOB RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! One beyond the part-time job I already have. Then I started wondering how the hell I'm supposed to work full time AND take care of the kids. Then I got pissed, assuming that I, once again, would have to take on more and more until I was drowning in responsibility.
Until I got a text from Hubby (at work), telling me of some local places that are looking for admin assistants, and that he's going to update his resume and start sending it out. Which forced me to take a step back and wonder why,once again,I assume the worst. Why did I ASSUME he was going to be out of work again for a long time? Or that he would do a half-assed job of looking for work?
Because I always assume that I shouldn't expect the best of people, even the ones I love and who love me. It's my automatic, go-to response.
And that sucks! It does a HUGE disservice to my loved ones, and makes life sorta hellish.
When I first started teaching, I realized that the higher the bar I set for the students, the higher they would reach. And I think that translates here: expect the best, and you'll often get it. Especially from yourself. Not the snooty, cashmere-wearing, Grey Poupon-eating, "I only settle for the best" kind of thing, but the opposite of what I do now: That fatalistic, cute-when-Eeyore-does-it-but-annoying-in-everyone-else pessimism.
Finally, I'm realizing that, as I get older, PMS presents less ans less as hormone-induced weepiness and more hormone-induced rage. Which actually feels pretty good: kind of a Xena-Warrior-Princess-esque-don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-mess-YOU-up deal.
And on that note, I'm gonna go try and have a nap. Teaching a class later, followed by ice skating with the fam. Have a great day!
And it does seem that the more ignorant the opinion, the louder its voiced. I can choose to remember that.
I need to remember that almost everything IS a choice. That whatever I obsess over-er-CHOOSE to focus on will be the outcome. If I keep telling myself I CAN'T lose weight, well, then,I'm going to sabotage all my hard work and, guess what: I'll be correct! If I stay in panic mode over all the things that have to get done in the next month, and all the stuff that MIGHT go wrong after we move, well, I'll keep procrastinating, stuff won't get done, and I'll give myself an ulcer.
This morning Hubby told me that there's no way his job at the VA will be made permanent. So he basically has 18 months to find another one. My first instinct, surprise, surprise, was to panic and start shrieking, in my head, that I HAVE TO FIND A JOB RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! One beyond the part-time job I already have. Then I started wondering how the hell I'm supposed to work full time AND take care of the kids. Then I got pissed, assuming that I, once again, would have to take on more and more until I was drowning in responsibility.
Until I got a text from Hubby (at work), telling me of some local places that are looking for admin assistants, and that he's going to update his resume and start sending it out. Which forced me to take a step back and wonder why,once again,I assume the worst. Why did I ASSUME he was going to be out of work again for a long time? Or that he would do a half-assed job of looking for work?
Because I always assume that I shouldn't expect the best of people, even the ones I love and who love me. It's my automatic, go-to response.
And that sucks! It does a HUGE disservice to my loved ones, and makes life sorta hellish.
When I first started teaching, I realized that the higher the bar I set for the students, the higher they would reach. And I think that translates here: expect the best, and you'll often get it. Especially from yourself. Not the snooty, cashmere-wearing, Grey Poupon-eating, "I only settle for the best" kind of thing, but the opposite of what I do now: That fatalistic, cute-when-Eeyore-does-it-but-annoying-in-everyone-else pessimism.
Finally, I'm realizing that, as I get older, PMS presents less ans less as hormone-induced weepiness and more hormone-induced rage. Which actually feels pretty good: kind of a Xena-Warrior-Princess-esque-don't-mess-with-me-or-I'll-mess-YOU-up deal.
And on that note, I'm gonna go try and have a nap. Teaching a class later, followed by ice skating with the fam. Have a great day!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Whew!
OK, both kids are back in school, I've taken 2 yoga classes this week, and I just downloaded an Tabata MP3, which I will do later today, before my Pilates class.
The past couple of days have been a bit stressful. It turns out that switching school districts in the middle of the year involves not only a ton of paperwork, but I have to plead with the school board to let my son stay in his current class for the last 3 months of school.
And there's still no guarantee that WG will be able to continue at HER school. But if there's an issue there, we're hiring a lawyer, because she is THRIVING.
The biggest problem is that no one in either district is returning my phone calls and emails, and everyone is assuming I know what the proper procedure is for all of this. How the hell would I know?!?!?! Thank goodness for the (current) school secretary. When I drop LG off she's always willing to answer whatever questions I have. I owe her big time!!!!!!
Of course, with all the mishugas, I've been doing some stress eating. Including stuff like pizza, which not only doesn't get rid of the stressors, it gives me a stomach ache.
Oy vey.
But it's a process, right?
That's what I keep repeating to myself.
Plus, I'm hoping some Tabata drills will help me burn off some of this frustration!
On a completely different topic, "Doctor Who" is currently between seasons, and I'm filing the void with old episodes of "Law & Order" (the original). And some new ones. But mainly many of the episodes I missed in the 90's when I was either working at the theater company or in grad school.
Like many of my generation, I've had a crush on Sam Waterston for nearly 30 years. I was lucky to see him onstage a couple of times when I lived in New York, and he's one of my favorite actors. He Played "King Lear" a few months back, and I so wish I could have seen it!
Which has got my brain up and running (OK, more like mall-walking) again on the track its been on for the past few months. The subject I've been beating you all over the head with: teaching. Specifically, teaching voice. This morning I heard back from my friend at the previously-mentioned theater company, and I WILL be helping out the weekend he's teaching his workshop here. I'm SO excited!!!!!!
More that that, I can feel change coming on. In a good way. That sense of a part of me waking up that I mentioned last time? It's getting stronger, and I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time.
And, to tie it back to my body issues, I really believe that they're strongly tied to all of this.Getting away from other peoples' expectations and all the "shoulds" and doing things out of guilt, and finding what I'm meant to be doing. Aside from being my kids' mom, which, I believe, was fated. :)
Finally, yesterday in yoga class it hit me that I was there as a student, not an instructor. When the teacher gave me an adjustment, those old self-critical voices (yes, the Noisy Nattering Chipmunks) started up, but another voice came in and said "It's OK. You're not teaching this class. It's OK to be the student once in a while."
And THAT shut the chipmunks right up, let me tell ya!
It was awfully nice.
I really like that voice.
I think I'll listen to it more often.
The past couple of days have been a bit stressful. It turns out that switching school districts in the middle of the year involves not only a ton of paperwork, but I have to plead with the school board to let my son stay in his current class for the last 3 months of school.
And there's still no guarantee that WG will be able to continue at HER school. But if there's an issue there, we're hiring a lawyer, because she is THRIVING.
The biggest problem is that no one in either district is returning my phone calls and emails, and everyone is assuming I know what the proper procedure is for all of this. How the hell would I know?!?!?! Thank goodness for the (current) school secretary. When I drop LG off she's always willing to answer whatever questions I have. I owe her big time!!!!!!
Of course, with all the mishugas, I've been doing some stress eating. Including stuff like pizza, which not only doesn't get rid of the stressors, it gives me a stomach ache.
Oy vey.
But it's a process, right?
That's what I keep repeating to myself.
Plus, I'm hoping some Tabata drills will help me burn off some of this frustration!
On a completely different topic, "Doctor Who" is currently between seasons, and I'm filing the void with old episodes of "Law & Order" (the original). And some new ones. But mainly many of the episodes I missed in the 90's when I was either working at the theater company or in grad school.
Like many of my generation, I've had a crush on Sam Waterston for nearly 30 years. I was lucky to see him onstage a couple of times when I lived in New York, and he's one of my favorite actors. He Played "King Lear" a few months back, and I so wish I could have seen it!
Which has got my brain up and running (OK, more like mall-walking) again on the track its been on for the past few months. The subject I've been beating you all over the head with: teaching. Specifically, teaching voice. This morning I heard back from my friend at the previously-mentioned theater company, and I WILL be helping out the weekend he's teaching his workshop here. I'm SO excited!!!!!!
More that that, I can feel change coming on. In a good way. That sense of a part of me waking up that I mentioned last time? It's getting stronger, and I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time.
And, to tie it back to my body issues, I really believe that they're strongly tied to all of this.Getting away from other peoples' expectations and all the "shoulds" and doing things out of guilt, and finding what I'm meant to be doing. Aside from being my kids' mom, which, I believe, was fated. :)
Finally, yesterday in yoga class it hit me that I was there as a student, not an instructor. When the teacher gave me an adjustment, those old self-critical voices (yes, the Noisy Nattering Chipmunks) started up, but another voice came in and said "It's OK. You're not teaching this class. It's OK to be the student once in a while."
And THAT shut the chipmunks right up, let me tell ya!
It was awfully nice.
I really like that voice.
I think I'll listen to it more often.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Le Sigh
So the 49ers won't be at the Superbowl this year.
But the Pats WILL, so that's good!
I don't follow football regularly, but I hope the Pats kick Giant patootie!!!!!!!
LG was home sick on Thursday & Friday, and it looks like WG is getting his cold. Who says kids don't share?
The workouts are going well. The Tabata/HIIT drills suck, but they're over quickly. They're not as intense as they might be for some, but they're killing me, lol!
I'm combining those with my Slim in 6 workouts, along with yoga and,of course, my Pilates classes. And this past week I subbed a class called "Pilates Beam." It's a little padded balance beam-like object that you stand and lie on to do the exercises. It forces your core to work harder, since you have to balance. I taught it in the evening at Crunch, and it was really fun! Being there at that time reminded me of my younger days, when I went to the gym in the evening with all the other 20-somethings, the music was loud, and people checked each other out A LOT. OK, so I wasn't always crazy about that last bit, but it was a nice change of pace.
The veg diet is going well. I have a bit more energy and less brain fog, so that's nice. :) It's also forcing me to be a bit more creative with my meal preparation. I don't always want to eat a block of tofu and a salad, after all. Also getting fewer headaches, stomach aches, and reflux.
I'm also doing a bit more creative stuff. Writing (for fun), getting ready to audition for an improv company, and I just found out the Shakespeare company I used to work with will be in town for a weekend training and I'm hoping to be able to volunteer at it. There also seem to be a few more teaching jobs available, as the economy creeps back up.
I've been hearing for some time now that if you open yourself up to possibilities, they will appear. Could that be what's happening? Maybe, since I'm no longer taking jobs because I feel I HAVE to for the money, the job I WANT will show up? That'd be great!
Not that it would stop me from bi*#*ing about it, lol!
Anyway, it's now Monday and WG is home from school. She probably could have gone, but just to be on the safe side we kept her home today.
Which means I GET HER ALL TO MYSELF FOR 6 HOURS, YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate when the kids are sick, but I LOVE it when they're feeling better and we can hang out, one-on-one. There's so little time for that, usually.Tomorrow they'll both be back in school and life will go back to it's regular schedule.
All in all, I feel like a part of me that's been sleeping is waking up. The creative part, perhaps. It's good, it needed a nice long nap. Poor thing was tired, overworked, under-appreciated, and wanted a vacation. Well, it's been 9 years, and it's back: tanned, rested, and ready to go!
Groovy.
But the Pats WILL, so that's good!
I don't follow football regularly, but I hope the Pats kick Giant patootie!!!!!!!
LG was home sick on Thursday & Friday, and it looks like WG is getting his cold. Who says kids don't share?
The workouts are going well. The Tabata/HIIT drills suck, but they're over quickly. They're not as intense as they might be for some, but they're killing me, lol!
I'm combining those with my Slim in 6 workouts, along with yoga and,of course, my Pilates classes. And this past week I subbed a class called "Pilates Beam." It's a little padded balance beam-like object that you stand and lie on to do the exercises. It forces your core to work harder, since you have to balance. I taught it in the evening at Crunch, and it was really fun! Being there at that time reminded me of my younger days, when I went to the gym in the evening with all the other 20-somethings, the music was loud, and people checked each other out A LOT. OK, so I wasn't always crazy about that last bit, but it was a nice change of pace.
The veg diet is going well. I have a bit more energy and less brain fog, so that's nice. :) It's also forcing me to be a bit more creative with my meal preparation. I don't always want to eat a block of tofu and a salad, after all. Also getting fewer headaches, stomach aches, and reflux.
I'm also doing a bit more creative stuff. Writing (for fun), getting ready to audition for an improv company, and I just found out the Shakespeare company I used to work with will be in town for a weekend training and I'm hoping to be able to volunteer at it. There also seem to be a few more teaching jobs available, as the economy creeps back up.
I've been hearing for some time now that if you open yourself up to possibilities, they will appear. Could that be what's happening? Maybe, since I'm no longer taking jobs because I feel I HAVE to for the money, the job I WANT will show up? That'd be great!
Not that it would stop me from bi*#*ing about it, lol!
Anyway, it's now Monday and WG is home from school. She probably could have gone, but just to be on the safe side we kept her home today.
Which means I GET HER ALL TO MYSELF FOR 6 HOURS, YAY!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate when the kids are sick, but I LOVE it when they're feeling better and we can hang out, one-on-one. There's so little time for that, usually.Tomorrow they'll both be back in school and life will go back to it's regular schedule.
All in all, I feel like a part of me that's been sleeping is waking up. The creative part, perhaps. It's good, it needed a nice long nap. Poor thing was tired, overworked, under-appreciated, and wanted a vacation. Well, it's been 9 years, and it's back: tanned, rested, and ready to go!
Groovy.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Aaaaaahhhh!!!!! Part Deux
After taking a week of staycation, I went with Hubby & the kids to Yosemite again. This time we stayed at a hotel for two nights, met up with some friends, and were very active. We went on some hikes and got to skate on Tenaya Lake. Folks were calling it a once-in-a-lifetime experience: Touolome is at 8500 feet, so the roads up to it are usually closed in the winter due to all the ice and snow. This year, however, it's been unseasonably warm and we've had very little precipitation, so the roads are open. And there's enough ice on the lake to skate, although you can hear the water moving underneath (a really funky pinging sound) and also hear the ice cracking in the shallow areas. A little scary, but SOOOOOOOO fun!!!! I hadn't been skating on a lake since I was a kid, and now we got to share it with OUR kids.
It was also pretty cool, and kinda freaky, to stand in the middle of the lake and look out at the area where we were swimming during our camping trip over Labor Day.
We got home at 1:00 yesterday, so there was time to rest, unpack, and get ready for the week. I'm feeling MUCH calmer, much better. I will just have to remember that 2 /12 years without a vacation AND working 6 jobs, along with taking care of the kids, is a bit too much for my sanity, lol!
I also just got back from a visit at the weight loss center and, good news, we're going veggie again. I'd been adding in more animal protein to clean up my diet (I'd been eating A LOT of carbs and not digesting them well). But the weight hasn't been coming off. So she suggested that maybe I'm having trouble digesting all that chicken :) and we'll try some plant proteins instead.
Which makes me REALLY happy, lol!
I'll still eat eggs, but no dairy (unfortunately I think I just cannot digest it). I'm hoping that I'll not only lose the weight (finally), but will have a lot of energy.
So we'll see how this goes. I'll keep you posted, if you're interested. :)
Fingers crossed!
It was also pretty cool, and kinda freaky, to stand in the middle of the lake and look out at the area where we were swimming during our camping trip over Labor Day.
We got home at 1:00 yesterday, so there was time to rest, unpack, and get ready for the week. I'm feeling MUCH calmer, much better. I will just have to remember that 2 /12 years without a vacation AND working 6 jobs, along with taking care of the kids, is a bit too much for my sanity, lol!
I also just got back from a visit at the weight loss center and, good news, we're going veggie again. I'd been adding in more animal protein to clean up my diet (I'd been eating A LOT of carbs and not digesting them well). But the weight hasn't been coming off. So she suggested that maybe I'm having trouble digesting all that chicken :) and we'll try some plant proteins instead.
Which makes me REALLY happy, lol!
I'll still eat eggs, but no dairy (unfortunately I think I just cannot digest it). I'm hoping that I'll not only lose the weight (finally), but will have a lot of energy.
So we'll see how this goes. I'll keep you posted, if you're interested. :)
Fingers crossed!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Time to Bite the Bullet
And add some Tabata to my workouts. Gotta get my heart in shape, and I've been reading that these types of workouts can also help protect the body from the effects of things like chronic stress.
Not that I have THAT.
(Looks around, whistling and not making eye contact...)
And, let's face it, I'm DESPERATE to get this *&^%$#@-ing weight off! Now that my diet is more under control and I'm feeling better, I really want to lose weight. And since I'm already working out 7 hours a week, I don't care to add more hourlong cardio workouts to my schedule.
And the thing is, when I look at photos of myself, I don't recognize me. Who is that rotund person? It makes me sad that I feel this way, but it also makes me sad to see myself this way. The weight is a symptom of other things, and it's not happy-jolly weight! It's stress and fear and shutting myself up. It's loss and feeling out of control, and not in a good way! That horrible feeling of having no say in what direction my life goes. Which, I realize, is not really true. But I'm so used to giving up my voice, my opinions, and my power to others that is has become my "normal."
And,of course, the more out-of-control I feel, the more tightly I hold on to things that I cannot control at all, that no one can: others' reactions, the economy, the outcome of elections, what happens to my kids when they're at school, etc. etc.
That's what eating disorders are about, after all: control. Those of us who feel powerless, or who are perfectionists, or (quite often) both will either try to have mastery over our appetites or turn to food for friendship.
I get lonely, so I go to the grocery store, or sometimes the bookstore (although less of that since I got my Kindle). Before the kids came along, I'd go to the gym, ALL THE TIME, due to that loneliness. But now I either have to go someplace I can take them, or I just don't go to the gym because I work there and REALLY don't feel like spending my free time there as well, thankyouverymuch.
And, of course, it's no coincidence that I gained 20 pounds after my dad died. 20 pounds which I have yet to lose, added to the 10 I'd already put on when we moved here.
So it's not about calories in/calories out,or whether I drink my coffee black or with a bit of creamer. It's about what's going on inside me. What is it that makes me feel broken, and how can I fix it?
This morning, as I was putting WG on her bus, a neighbor walked by carrying his toddler. Probably about 18 months old. And I got a pang. I was waving my daughter off and she seemed sad. I just wanted to go after the bus, take her off, and keep her home. I also wanted to go back in time for a few minutes and hold MY toddlers! Because they're growing up way too fast, and I guess I was feeling left behind.
I had LG just before I turned 32, and WG 2 years later. My 30's, as I mentioned in my last post, are a blur. I barely remember them. It's like a lost decade. And I suppose I feel a bit cheated: I was too tired to enjoy them, lol!
I suppose I'm feeling a bit depressed these days. And I just have to feel it. The only way out of the quagmire is to keep slogging through.
And to know that it's not gonna kill me.
Not that I have THAT.
(Looks around, whistling and not making eye contact...)
And, let's face it, I'm DESPERATE to get this *&^%$#@-ing weight off! Now that my diet is more under control and I'm feeling better, I really want to lose weight. And since I'm already working out 7 hours a week, I don't care to add more hourlong cardio workouts to my schedule.
And the thing is, when I look at photos of myself, I don't recognize me. Who is that rotund person? It makes me sad that I feel this way, but it also makes me sad to see myself this way. The weight is a symptom of other things, and it's not happy-jolly weight! It's stress and fear and shutting myself up. It's loss and feeling out of control, and not in a good way! That horrible feeling of having no say in what direction my life goes. Which, I realize, is not really true. But I'm so used to giving up my voice, my opinions, and my power to others that is has become my "normal."
And,of course, the more out-of-control I feel, the more tightly I hold on to things that I cannot control at all, that no one can: others' reactions, the economy, the outcome of elections, what happens to my kids when they're at school, etc. etc.
That's what eating disorders are about, after all: control. Those of us who feel powerless, or who are perfectionists, or (quite often) both will either try to have mastery over our appetites or turn to food for friendship.
I get lonely, so I go to the grocery store, or sometimes the bookstore (although less of that since I got my Kindle). Before the kids came along, I'd go to the gym, ALL THE TIME, due to that loneliness. But now I either have to go someplace I can take them, or I just don't go to the gym because I work there and REALLY don't feel like spending my free time there as well, thankyouverymuch.
And, of course, it's no coincidence that I gained 20 pounds after my dad died. 20 pounds which I have yet to lose, added to the 10 I'd already put on when we moved here.
So it's not about calories in/calories out,or whether I drink my coffee black or with a bit of creamer. It's about what's going on inside me. What is it that makes me feel broken, and how can I fix it?
This morning, as I was putting WG on her bus, a neighbor walked by carrying his toddler. Probably about 18 months old. And I got a pang. I was waving my daughter off and she seemed sad. I just wanted to go after the bus, take her off, and keep her home. I also wanted to go back in time for a few minutes and hold MY toddlers! Because they're growing up way too fast, and I guess I was feeling left behind.
I had LG just before I turned 32, and WG 2 years later. My 30's, as I mentioned in my last post, are a blur. I barely remember them. It's like a lost decade. And I suppose I feel a bit cheated: I was too tired to enjoy them, lol!
I suppose I'm feeling a bit depressed these days. And I just have to feel it. The only way out of the quagmire is to keep slogging through.
And to know that it's not gonna kill me.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Why Wait?
In less than 8 years, which will go by quickly, I'm gonna be 50. When I first met Hubby, his mom was 52. Which doesn't seem possible. Because we just met a couple of years ago, right?
My 20's were a sometimes-excruciating voyage of discovery. In those 10 years I finished college, traveled and performed in the U.K., became a professional actor and teacher, moved across the country, completed my Masters, met my husband, moved to L.A to pursue my career, went through 2 eating disorders and therapy to help, and we bought our first home (a condo).
My 30's are a bit of a blur: we got married, had 2 kids, bought an actual house, and then another. Those kids were diagnosed with autism and started school. We moved to San Francisco, I became a Pilates teacher, and lost my dad.
Now, 2 years into my 40's, I'm reassessing and finding out what's most important.
While I no longer think of 50 as old, it does make me wonder about the things I've accomplished and what I still want to do. The older I get, the less the latter has to do with outside stuff: I'm not trying to be a millionaire, or buy a sports car, win an Oscar, etc. I DO want to learn to REALLY relax, be at peace with myself, and take good care of my family.
And get a good teaching job at the university level. Preferably tenure-rack, but at his point I'll take what I can get.
Life goes by so quickly. I may have already lived more than half of mine already, and much of it has been spent in fear, guilt, or simply trying to disappear. Which makes me so incredibly sad! Part of me thinks I have wasted years of this wonderful gift, while another part of me remembers that I used the tools I had in order to survive. Now I have better tools, and it's time to use them.
I used to teach voice classes. Not singing, but for the stage. I worked with a number of teenage girls in my classes. I like to think I helped them FIND their voice. And I'd like to do that again.
I lost my own for a while, but I'm finding it again.
My 20's were a sometimes-excruciating voyage of discovery. In those 10 years I finished college, traveled and performed in the U.K., became a professional actor and teacher, moved across the country, completed my Masters, met my husband, moved to L.A to pursue my career, went through 2 eating disorders and therapy to help, and we bought our first home (a condo).
My 30's are a bit of a blur: we got married, had 2 kids, bought an actual house, and then another. Those kids were diagnosed with autism and started school. We moved to San Francisco, I became a Pilates teacher, and lost my dad.
Now, 2 years into my 40's, I'm reassessing and finding out what's most important.
While I no longer think of 50 as old, it does make me wonder about the things I've accomplished and what I still want to do. The older I get, the less the latter has to do with outside stuff: I'm not trying to be a millionaire, or buy a sports car, win an Oscar, etc. I DO want to learn to REALLY relax, be at peace with myself, and take good care of my family.
And get a good teaching job at the university level. Preferably tenure-rack, but at his point I'll take what I can get.
Life goes by so quickly. I may have already lived more than half of mine already, and much of it has been spent in fear, guilt, or simply trying to disappear. Which makes me so incredibly sad! Part of me thinks I have wasted years of this wonderful gift, while another part of me remembers that I used the tools I had in order to survive. Now I have better tools, and it's time to use them.
I used to teach voice classes. Not singing, but for the stage. I worked with a number of teenage girls in my classes. I like to think I helped them FIND their voice. And I'd like to do that again.
I lost my own for a while, but I'm finding it again.
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