Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Time to Bite the Bullet

And add some Tabata to my workouts.  Gotta get my heart in shape, and I've been reading that these types of workouts can also help protect the body from the effects of things like chronic stress.
Not that I have THAT.
(Looks around, whistling and not making eye contact...)
And, let's face it, I'm DESPERATE to get this *&^%$#@-ing weight off! Now that my diet is more under control and I'm feeling better, I really want to lose weight. And since I'm already working out 7 hours a week, I don't care to add more hourlong cardio workouts to my schedule.

And the thing is, when I look at photos of myself, I don't recognize me.  Who is that rotund person?  It makes me sad that I feel this way, but it also makes me sad to see myself this way. The weight is a symptom of other things, and it's not happy-jolly weight! It's stress and fear and shutting myself up.  It's loss and feeling out of control, and not in a good way!  That horrible feeling of having no say in what direction my life goes. Which, I realize, is not really true.  But I'm so used to giving up my voice, my opinions, and my power to others that is has become my "normal."
And,of course, the more out-of-control I feel, the more tightly I hold on to things that I cannot control at all, that no one can: others' reactions, the economy, the outcome of elections, what happens to my kids when they're at school, etc. etc.
That's what eating disorders are about, after all: control.  Those of us who feel powerless, or who are perfectionists, or (quite often) both will either try to have mastery over our appetites or turn to food for friendship.
I get lonely, so I go to the grocery store, or sometimes the bookstore (although less of that since I got my Kindle). Before the kids came along, I'd go to the gym, ALL THE TIME, due to that loneliness.  But now I either have to go someplace I can take them, or I just don't go to the gym because I work there and REALLY don't feel like spending my free time there as well, thankyouverymuch.
And, of course, it's no coincidence that I gained 20 pounds after my dad died.  20 pounds which I have yet to lose, added to the 10 I'd already put on when we moved here.
So it's not about calories in/calories out,or whether I drink my coffee black or with a bit of creamer.  It's about what's going on inside me.  What is it that makes me feel broken, and how can I fix it?

This morning, as I was putting WG on her bus, a neighbor walked by carrying his toddler.  Probably about 18 months old.  And I got a pang.  I was waving my daughter off and she seemed sad.  I just wanted to go after the bus, take her off, and keep her home.  I also wanted to go back in time for a few minutes and hold MY toddlers! Because they're growing up way too fast, and I guess I was feeling left behind.
I had LG just before I turned 32, and WG 2 years later.  My 30's, as I mentioned in my last post, are a blur.  I barely remember them.  It's like a lost decade.  And I suppose I feel a bit cheated: I was too tired to enjoy them, lol!

I suppose I'm feeling a bit depressed these days. And I just have to feel it.  The only way out of the quagmire is to keep slogging through.

And to know that it's not gonna kill me.

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