Monday, October 22, 2012

What a Difference a Week Makes

Last week I was wondering how much longer I'd continue to teach Pilates.
Now I know: Until the end of the year.
I'm giving up my classes and private clients.  I've told almost everyone: I haven't told my boss or students at the gym where I teach my Saturday class yet.  I know they'll be bummed.  And I'll miss them, but I also know I'm doing the right thing.  I'm a big believer in following my instincts (once I've gathered up my courage to do so, which can take QUITE a while, lol!) and also in signs.  Not, y'know "Stop" and "Yield" and "Caution, Wet Floor,"  you don't really have to BELIEVE in those, they definitely exist, and I definitely pay attention! But SIGNS.  Messages from the Universe, or G-d, or my dad, my grandparents, or whomever is watching out for me and mine (and someone absolutely is: I have done some DUMBASS things in my life:  Let me tell ya, whoever got assigned as my guardian angel has been working overtime!) that I don't always pay attention to.

I believe I've written before about the Cosmic Duh?
Yeah, sometimes I don't do subtle very well. I need the celestial equivalent of an ACME anvil dropped on me before I get it.
I am the universe's Wyle E. Coyote.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that things usually happen for a reason, and that reason may not become clear right away. It's VERY easy, however, to get caught up in the day-to-day stress of life.
I was thinking about this last night: When we bought our first piece of property, a condo in L.A., we weren't allowed to bring our dog with us.  He was a Malamute, and the previous owner had had an untrained husky who'd wreaked all sorts of havoc.  We tried: begging, pleading, cajoling, brownies, letting the board get to meet him so he could charm the pants offa them (which he did, but, thankfully, not literally).  They were very apologetic, but rules were rules, and big dogs simply weren't allowed anymore.
So he came here, to live with my in-laws.  Which, in all honesty, was better for him. L.A. was hot, we didn't have a yard, and the condo was quite small.  Here he had milder weather, a big house, a yard, and his best doggy friend in the world to live and play with.  And we visited frequently. I even took jobs that kept me here for a month or two.  For their own sake, yes, but with the added bonus of being near him. He was my baby before I had babies.  :)  He lived out his days here quite happily.
As a result of all this, we frequently visited the Pasadena Humane Society on the lookout for a small dog.  And there was where we found Luna: 6 months old, adorable, sweet, and, ultimately, ours.  And we were hers.  If the condo board had let us keep Tundra with us, then Luna would never have been a part of our lives, and that would have been tragic. She was meant to be with us, and we with her.  She was an amazing pup, and she was loved by so many people.  Last night LG asked again if Luna was sleeping, and I told him that, yes, Luna had to go to sleep forever.  But that she's happy and with her canine cohorts.
There are still moments when missing her is a physical ache, but I had a dream about her the other night.  I think she was telling me she's OK. Probably getting her butt rubbed by Dad.
And Chopper, my S-I-L's pit bull, comes up to our room every day to visit and cuddle. He misses Luna, and he knows I miss her too. This would be a lot harder without him. He's a big, goofy bundle of pure love.

So as I stress out about jobs, money, the election, the MLB playoffs (go Giants!), I try to keep in mind that Things Happen For A Reason.

And the fact is, Pilates served a purpose for a few years. I made some money, got out of the house, got good workouts, and had a chance to talk to other adults.  I met people I wouldn't have otherwise.  I certainly don't regret it, it's just time to move on.
Even living in L.A. and feeling beaten down served a purpose.  I now know not to let other people determine my value.  I also was able to open my perspective quite a bit: Until that point, my entire life since the age of 10 had been focused on acting (with some teaching thrown in).  I was forced to discover other things in life.  And, of course, it allowed me to focus on my kids.
I come back to it now with a much broader perspective: I may be a little rusty, but I'm older and much, much wiser, with more experience not just as a theater person, but as a Person.

And, again, I take a good, hard look at the things I'm drawn to, whether it's a TV show, an actor, a painting, a book, yoga, whatever.  There's a REASON I'm drawn to it/them. They make life better, and they give me a clue as to what I need to follow my heart.
I'm also learning not to feel guilty for going after what I want. It will not only make me happy, I'll set the kind of example I want to set for my kids, I'll be a better mom, a better wife, a better everything.  Being a martyr never helps anyone, and, quite frankly, martyrs are annoying.
There's a reason they're celebrated only after they're dead!

OK.  So. A new day, a new week, and a new temperature (the heat has finally broken and we're actually getting some much-needed rain).  Hopefully Hubby and I can take our 3rd hike this week, and life will continue on apace.

Peace out.