Updated Update

We're moving June 17th.
WHEW!!!!

Saw some footage from the BAFTAs  yesterday (British Academy of Film & Television Awards) and Matt Smith & Benedict Cumberbatch presented an award to Stephen Moffat.
There's a reason someone coined the term "Nerdgasm."

After watching the season finale of "Sherlock," I'm going on Netflix and watching the episodes I missed from the 1st season.  Which is making me very happy, as they are SOOOOOOOO good! And seeing as the next episodes won't air until sometime next year (and, um, haven't actually been written yet), these will have to tide me over.
(BTW: Benedict Cumberbatch is currently filming the next "Star Trek" movie.  I am a happy, happy girl! And there's an interview in which he sings a line from "Willy Wonka."  Be still my gooey, melty heart!  Sooo sweet!)

OK, so I just finished an online chat with a guy I knew in high school.  Whom I had a bit of a crush on :)  Turns out, guess what? he had a crush on me, too.  Neither one of us knew it, and we were both too afraid to act on it. Makes me wonder how different high school could have been...
But, of course, things happen, or don't, for a reason.
But it's funny: he was a cool guy: way too cool, I thought, for me.  He was personable and so nice, and was involved in drama. Which took guts.  But he didn't seem to care what other people thought.
Or so it seemed.  Turns out he thought I was out of HIS league!!!!!!!  I NEVER would have imagined, in a million years, ANYONE thinking that about me!
I must admit, it's quite flattering, lol!

I'm also realizing what a miracle Hubby is to me.  He loves me no matter what.  Fat or thin, happy or sad (or pissed, or cranky...)  Isn't that amazing?
And, of course, our kids.
Our angels.  Because they are just that, even in the middle of a meltdown. :)

There's a reason certain shows, or books, or actors, etc. appeal to me.  Or to anyone.  There's something in them that speaks to something in us.  It's different for everyone.  I get curious about what that is. So, yes, I analyze it.  Maybe OVERanalyze it.  But, heck, it's FUN!!!!!

And I TOTALLY understand the urge to write fan fiction.
Not that I have.
Much.

'Nighty-night, everyone!

Update

More offers made by the buyers, only to be rescinded 30 minutes later.
?!?!?!?!?!
Turns out they have beliefs about certain numbers being lucky, and want to move in by a certain date so they will have good fortune.  Well, I gotta say, it's pretty bad karma to lie and break promises.

I don't wish them ill.
I just want them to be reasonable.

Clawing My Way Out. Or Not.

I remember being a sophomore in college. It was February in New York, in the second year of a VERY intense theater program.  Everything felt gray.  Everything WAS gray; it was February in New York City. One of my classmates put it perfectly: "I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a quagmire!"
It's an image I've come back to a number of times over the past 24 years.  And I can't believe it's been 24 years since that comment was made.
I'm in yet another quagmire.  There have been a number of them throughout the years.  Such is life.  But they really do suck.  (Literally! Quagmires try to suck down whatever gets stuck in them, right?)
Part of it is moving.  We're in the midst of all the packing/cleaning/getting rid of stuff phase.  SOOOOOO not fun!  But it IS good to get rid of boxes and boxes of crap.

We are, however, having some issues with the buyers, who are not sticking to a verbal agreement we made.  We should have gotten it in writing before we accepted the offer.  We accepted the offer, which was lower than a bunch of other offers we had, because of that agreement. And now they are reneging. Which is making life a whole hell of a lot more difficult than it needs to be.
Which is incredibly stupid.  Because there is no reason for them NOT to abide by the agreement.

What makes me crazy is that it's not about the move.  It's about people making life harder for MY KIDS.  And I CANNOT abide that!  I WILL NOT forgive it.  So, if for some reason they come across this post, they will know that I WILL NOT apologize for writing about it.   You want to be a jerk to me, fine.  You want to dump on my kids?  You'd better be ready for a knock-down, drag-out fight.

I'm trying to take it in stride, to not let it get me down.  But it's really hard.  Combined with a lot of other stuff going on, it's hard not to sucked into the quagmire. I tell myself to stop caring, but I can't.  I do my deep breathing, my meditation, etc.  And it helps.  But it doesn't make it stop.
And yes, I know I cannot control the events in my life, only how I react to them.  And I'm working on it.  Working pretty hard.  But this situation is driving me insane!  I don't understand WHY these folks are making it so difficult!!!!!!! We accepted their offer in good faith.  Why aren't they holding to their end of the bargain?

So, yeah.
Stuck in the quagmire.

I'll keep you posted.

Righteous (?) Anger.

Rage.
That's what I've been feeling for a few days.  Along with a hefty dose of resentment.  I won't go into all the details, but recognizing it has been very helpful. Along with talking it over with my very smart therapist.
Who once told me I remind her of Marilyn Monroe, before she went platinum blonde.
Have I mentioned how much I love my therapist?
OK, beside the point.

Carrying around all this R&R (rage and resentment) for 40 years is EXHAUSTING!  It's time to start letting go.
But it's hard to do when confronted with things like a photo I saw the other day.  I'm unable to post it, and I probably wouldn't even if I could.  It's of one of a litter of very young puppies covered in engorged ticks.  The poor thing's ear was full of them, and they've had so much of his blood they look like pebbles.  The puppies & their mother were left neglected in a pen outdoors. Thankfully a group called Ruffles Rescue took them in & asked for donations.  They received more than they needed, and the dogs are now under the care of a vet.  The ticks have been painstakingly removed, the dogs are in quarantine, and they're receiving antibiotics. They're also eating, playing, and acting like puppies, under the watchful eyes of a very happy momma.
I couldn't stop thinking about that photo.  And it made me want to hurt the people who let this happen.  Hurt them badly.  I found myself punching my pillow that night whenever I thought about it, and silently screaming obscenities at them.

Yeah.  Rage.

I'm certainly not the only one who reacted this way, judging by the comments on Facebook.  And I and many others also feel gratitude toward the people who are helping the dogs.  They are proof that goodness does exist in this world, as well as empathy and selflessness.  They have spent hour after hour taking care of these pups, all voluntarily.

So in this case, anger is justified.  But the rage was more than was warranted, I think. It was obviously about more than the poor puppies: they were just the proverbial straw.
I wonder if the depression I've been fighting for so long is actually the rage.  Because it's OK to feel sad, but not angry, at least in my case. That's what I've believed for a very long time.  Often it's the other way around, but I think the anxiety and depression stem from the anger.

I hate feeling needy.  I despise it when someone preys on the helpless, or makes someone else feel powerless.  I hate feeling powerless myself. And sometimes that's exactly how I feel.  it's a very familiar feeling, and I despise that, too.

I hate eating so much.  I hate feeling like I'm committing a crime when I eat when I'm actually hungry. BUT, I started a telegroup today that I think will help.  With all of the above.  It's a program I've known about for years, but haven't been able to do until now.  So, fingers crossed:  I hope this will make the same kind of difference that the "Attacking Anxiety" program did 10 years ago. It's work, it'll force me to pay attention, and I have to actually interact with other people.  :)
Because, as we all know, it's about a whole lot more than the weight.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

In A Not-So-Fun Place (Welcome to PMS-Ville!)

Oy.
Hormone headaches, bloating, cramps, and a severe case of the Crankies.
Plus, my mom is coming into town.
I love my mom, but sometimes it's like having a 3rd child.  Especially with the questions.  She's a journalist AND a journalism professor, so it's CONSTANT questions.  Back when she & my dad would visit I felt like I was getting multiple, daily pop quizzes.
Here's an example:

"What town are we in?"
"Foster City."
"Oh."  Pause.  "Why is it called Foster City."
"I don't know.  Maybe it's named after someone named 'Foster.'"
"Oh yeah? Who?"
"I don't know, I'm just speculating."
"Oh." Pause.
"When was it established?"
"Umm...I dunno."
"Was all this water already here, or are these lakes man-made?"
"Errrrrmmm..."
"Is it an actual city, or a town?"
"Well, technically I think it's part of San Mateo, which is a City..."
"So why did they make it a separate entity and call it 'Foster City?""
"I STILL don't know the answer to that-"
"Seems like it'd be easier to just make it part of San Mateo."
"Yuuuhhh..."
"That's pretty silly.  Stupid, if you ask me."
"Well, they didn't-"
"WHY would they DO that?!?!?!"
"I...jst...glerk...ida know!"
"You've worked here 4 years and you don't know?!?!?!"
"Glglktch...phrmfgh...gyahhhhhh!!!!!!"
"Hey, why are you trying to drive this car off the bridge?"
"BECAUSE DEATH IS PREFERABLE TO CONTINUING THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!!!"
Pause.
Pause.
Pause.
"Well I was just asking."

Multiply that by 6 billion and you have an average visit with my mom.

Thank goodness for yoga!  Even just a few minutes helps me feel better.  I may have to take a bunch of classes over the next week...

Y'know, if I were a wealthy celebrity, I wouldn't have the typical entourage.  Assistants, hair & makeup people, someone to hold my umbrella for me (Seriously, what IS that?  It's not like these celebrities have 2 broken arms, or are carrying...ANYTHING! Why do they need someone holding an umbrella over their heads?!?!?!) or a dietitian following me around telling me what I can and cannot eat every minute.  No, I would have a therapist, a yoga instructor, and a soft puppy (or kitten, I'm not picky) with me at all times.
To help me stay calm.
Oh, and a bed roll.  In case I needed a nap.
Because celebrities are indulged.  People expect them to be weird.

Since I am neither wealthy nor a celebrity, however, I must find my own way of relaxing.  Without an entourage. And since it doesn't look like I'll be getting a vacation anytime in the near future, a spa weekend is out, as well.

So. Deep breaths, yoga, and constant Notes To Self that This Too Shall Pass. Impermanence is the nature of this universe we live in.  Heck, even Pluto isn't a planet anymore!

Oh, and a Serenity Prayer now and again can't hurt.

Duckcess!!!!!!

The clam is off the foot...repeat: the clam is off the foot!
My buddy is mollusk-free.  He's still limping, but he's moving MUCH better, and hopefully will be 100% soon. He still won't let me too close, but, well, he's a DUCK.  The closest we ever got was when I was taking, apparently, too much time to feed him, so he thwapped me on my foot with the underside of his beak.  Wish I'd gotten it on camera!
I'm sure gonna miss him when we move.
I wonder how my in-laws would feel about a pet duck...?

In other news. I'm doing a 2-week yoga detox (daily yoga, various daily smoothies, and food with no preservatives).  Today is day one, and it's fairly mellow.
Um, partly 'cause it's yoga.
But also because it doesn't demand I do 6 hours of yoga a day in a steam room on a mountaintop (not really possible, I know) and live on carrot juice for 14 days.  'Cause that wouldn't be a detox, that would be the beginning of a murder spree.
I'm also doing an oldie-but-goodie workout, Callanetics.  Yup, I've got the 1987, transferred-to-DVD, original workout in all its leotard, spandex, leg-warmered glory!  I also have an updated version.  And let me tell ya, it may look serene, but it is EXHAUSTING!  Granted, I usually combine it with another workout, but still...

Because of my Tennis Elbow (which I STILL find really weird!), I can't really lift heavy weights just yet.  So I'm focusing on lighter weights/higher reps.  So along with Callanetics I've pulled out all my Barre-inspired DVDs.  I always forget how much I love them until I do them again.  And, apparently, they're all the rage right now.  I mean, heck, those male dancers do barre work every day, and they can lift the female dancers over their heads!  OK, the women don't weigh much, but still...
And I'm still Spinning, 'cause it's so much fun.
I must say my elbow is feeling SO much better.  I did yoga today without a brace.  I may add it back on tomorrow, but I felt pretty strong.

Finally, let me just say R.I.P, Adam Yauch.  The Beastie Boys are one of the best groups of the past 30 years, and you will be missed.  Especially the wisdom and compassion you cultivated over the past 20+ years.  Thank you for speaking out fro human rights, for Womens' rights, and for being an all-around stand-up guy.

Operation Duck Rescue, and Other Stuff

My duck buddy has a clam attached to his leg.
No, that's not some weird sexual code, it's all very literal.  My pal, who is, indeed, a duck (and, yes, I know he only loves me for my bread) is limping.  I called the ASPCA, and they got a better look at his leg.  There is a clam attached to him.  He's OK, but it's probably painful.  He can fly, so we couldn't catch him to remove the clam, but I will call them later and they'll try to remove it when it's dark and he's too disoriented to fly.
Here's hoping the menacing mollusk will be removed forthwith!

Over the weekend I sat in on a workshop run by the Shakespeare company I started my career with 20 years ago.  It was AMAZING!!!!!!  It really changed my perspective. It reminded me that it's not perfection that's beautiful, but the opposite.  As I watched the actors get very personal with Shakespeare's language, I noticed that as they talked about their so-called "flaws" they became more human and beautiful.
It also made me realize how many random rules there are.  That I follow blindly.  Now some of them are NOT random and very important, like not stealing or killing.  But others, like "Don't wear miniskirts if you're over 35" are COMPLETELY random.  And STUPID! I wore a skort to Yosemite the weekend before, and thank goodness I did!  Because it was HOT and I don't have a pair of shorts that don't ride up between my thighs.
On Monday morning I was heading out to yoga. I was about to grab a black ponytail holder, because another Random Rule is that adults should only use ponytail holders that blend more with their hair color. When I consciously realized what I was doing, I went for the hot pink one instead.

The other day a list was published concerning the top 5 or 10 most "Useless" degrees.  One of which was Computer Design.  Ironically, the news broadcast used some pretty fancy computer graphics while reporting the story. They claim these degrees are useless because the folks holding them aren't working a whole lot right now.  Needless to say I have some issues with this report. For one thing, A LOT of folks aren't working right now, regardless of what, if any, kind of degree they hold.  For another, those of us who DO hold these degrees never expected to earn a living doing ONLY our chosen field.  Many of us got these degrees so we could LEARN.  We then take that knowledge and put it into other things.  Like teaching.  Because the purpose of four years of college (and then, perhaps, post-graduate study) isn't JUST to earn money, but to earn knowledge.  Funny that: people going to institutions of higher learning in order to actually, well, LEARN stuff!
We are in a position, at this point in time, in which we look upon art as a luxury.  I contend that it's not. Imagine computers, iPhones & iPads, cell phones, etc. without graphics. Imagine if every building in the world looked the same.  Or a world without music.
A few years ago an actor names Douglas Sills gave an acceptance speech at an L.A. theater awards show that Hubby and I attended (Hubby was nominated!!!!!).  He talked about the things that last in any civilization.  When archaeologists dig up the remains of an ancient civilization, what do they find?  Drawings, pictures, paintings.  Crockery. Writings. All the things that give us the clues to how that civilization was run. All based in art.
We saw what happened to Europe during the Reformation.  There are many people who would like to take us back to something similar: get rid of secularism, get rid of government funding for arts and arts education, and basically  remove anything from the culture that they don't agree with. It may work for a while, but ultimately the Renaissance will occur, and art will be back, better than ever.