Monday, February 27, 2012

I Care.

So sue me.
I'm sensitive.  "Too sensitive" you say?  I say no.
I have empathy and compassion.  I'm no longer ashamed of it, and will no longer apologize for it. Quite the opposite, in fact.
I would rather live as I do, with the possibility of being deeply hurt or merely ridiculed, than live your cynical, angry, selfish, embittered existence.
I am not naive.  Or stupid.  Or an idiot.  I DO live in the real world, thankyouverymuch.  The difference is that I can still see beauty, feel joy, and experience kindness and genuine love.  You cannot.
And I'm sorry for it.
Because you're missing out on all that this life has to offer. You look for blame and wallow in your misery and self-superiority. You believe that what works for you SHOULD work for everyone.  You think that being exposed to a different opinion is the same as being brainwashed. You believe you have all the answers, the same way you did when you were 18.  You never question, you never change, and you never forgive.
And I feel badly for you.
Because my empathy includes even you.

You speak of G-d, yet you ignore His teachings.  You cast yourself as moral, yet you are full of loathing and the desire for destruction.
And I will no longer listen to you.

I can feel sorry for you, but that doesn't mean I have to like you, or value your opinion.  When have you EVER valued mine, or even truly listened to it?

The best spiritual teachings tell us to love our enemies. I don't know if I can, so I will do the next best thing: I will leave you alone.  I won't try to change you, which is simply a waste of time and energy, anyway.  I will follow the words of the great Dr. Seuss: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I will no longer try to convince you that my point of view is valid, as I no longer need your approval.  I do not want it, in fact. You do not matter to my life.

I do not need validation.  I am.

You cannot control me anymore.  You cannot hurt me anymore, or make me happy with your crumbs of approval.  I have a feast.  An abundance.  And I will sit at my table with those who love me and matter to me.

I will no longer shove food down my throat to stop the rage.  The tears, if they appear, will be allowed to fall. If I want to laugh, I will do so, fully and whole-heartedly.

There is no shame anymore.  No guilt.
In yoga we have Yamas and Niyamas, observances and practices.  One is non-violence.  I have been doing great violence to myself for over 40 years.  And by doing violence to myself, I do violence to my children and husband, which is absolutely unacceptable. I learned this from you.
But that's OK.  I forgive you.  You, after all, only did what you had learned.  You did the best you could.

But it's time to put it all behind me.

I care.
But sometimes I have to ignore.

1 comment:

Geosomin said...

"I have a feast. An abundance. And I will sit at my table with those who love me and matter to me."

This brought tears to my eyes.
This post is amazing. Thank you for sharing your feelings.