Thursday, March 24, 2011

Well, It's Happened.

The Plateau.  The stalled weight loss.
I kinda hoped it would happen later, when I'd lost a BIT more weight.
But then, maybe it's not a REAL plateau: maybe it's the combined result of a few incredibly stressful (and ridiculously busy), emotionally charged weeks and a late period.  (I took a test, it said negative.  But I bought a 3-pack just in case.  PLEASE, NO!!!!!!!)

I'm also considering doing a 21-day vegan experiment, courtesy of Dr. Neal Barnard. What the heck, it's only 3 weeks, it's free online, and what could it hurt?  I've been looking more and more into vegetarianism/veganism over the past couple of years.  May as well give it a go.  No law that says I HAVE to stick with it if I don't want to.
But I have to do SOMETHING about my energy levels!  They're in the basement.  I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my days.  Every day.  I'm missing out on my life, and my kids' childhood, and all the good stuff that's around.  Some days I dread going to work.  I'm having trouble motivating myself to work out on the days I'm not teaching pilates.
I think I'm falling into a bit of a depression again.  I REALLY don't want to go back on the drugs, but I will if I have to.  It just seems like every day dumps something else on my already crud-filled plate.  This morning I started wondering if I was being punished for something I did in another life.  Maybe I was a real jerk, and now my kids are paying the price.
Except I don't believe that G-d and Karma work that way.  I don't believe He would make my kids suffer for something I'd done.  And I also know that I am so very blessed, in so many ways. That my husband and I were chosen to be the parents of these two amazing kids.  That, yes, things happen for a reason, and those reasons aren't always clear until later, looking back.  So I just have to keep slogging through the quagmire (literally; it's been raining here for nearly 3 weeks!) and keep the faith that the light is out there and I WILL reach it, eventually.
(This is going to sound bizarre, but I think I was a marine mammal in a past life.  I was OBSESSED with water when I was a kid, staring at my grandparents' neighbors' pool for hours on end, swimming until I turned into a prune whenever possible, and running right for the seals every time we went to the aquarium.  And really, how big a jerk could I have been as a SEAL?!?!?!   Even in this life, marine mammals and birds REALLY like me! I once went nose-to-nose with a puffin at the New England Aquarium.
In my 20's.  And don't get me started on the ducks and geese.  OK, I feed them, but still!
My husband always attracts the chimps at the zoo.  What does THAT say? )

I did have an interesting experience a week ago: in the middle of teaching a class, I felt, for just a few seconds, more powerful and capable than I have ever felt in my life.  I thought "I am the TEACHER."  These students are relying on me, my knowledge, and my experience to give them better health.  And I ROCK!!!!!!"
I can honestly say I have NEVER had that particular feeling before; of being so completely grounded, confident, and in control.  It was a flash of insight.  I was left with the feeling of what it would be like to live my life as a full participant, rather than simply reacting to the people and circumstances around me.  I finally understood, on a visceral level, what yogis mean when they talk about being the tree that bends in the wind and stays standing, rather than the one that topples over.
Or maybe a better image is that I no longer want to be that plastic bag being blown around in the wind (remember "American Beauty?").  I want to be sturdy.  Flexible, yes, but not bending to the point where I break.

I remember seeing a sign in someone's office once, back in my temping days, that said "A mistake on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."  It was the first time I realized that I didn't have to make other peoples' problems my own, even if they were my boss. Or the a**hole in the car behind me, revving his engine and leaning on his horn because I was taking "too long" to make a right turn.  (I do try to avoid driving directly into the path of oncoming cars.  Call me crazy...) Or the woman who gave the Starbucks baristas a hard time and then honked at me because I let a car in front of me and she was behind me.  Too bad, so sad: pull on your big-girl panties and deal with it, byotch!
(I have had some NASTY encounters with rich suburban moms in that shopping center parking lot!  I WON'T miss that when we move, let me tell ya!  Spoiled idiots who GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to ruin someone else's afternoon because they were inconvenienced for all of 5 seconds!)

So I guess the theme in my life right now is Keeping The Faith.  Things WILL get better.  The plateau will go away, the weight will come off, the kids will adjust to their new home, be in the schools they are meant to be in, and all will be well.



Geosomin said...

"A mistake on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."
Man - that is my job some days in a nutshell :)
Don't give up. I feel the same way sometimes...try and leave the scale alone and focus on other things that make you happy...little things to keep you going.
And have a hug :) *hug*

azusmom said...

Thank you!