Monday, January 10, 2011

Time to Handle the Truth

So for a few years now I've been in denial.  First it was about my weight: I knew I was gaining, but fooled myself that I could camouflage it enough so that not only would no one else notice, I could convince myself it wasn't really happening.
30 pounds later, here I am.

Then it was my anxiety: I told myself I had conquered it, that it was done, gone, kaput.  And while that may be true for my panic attacks, the anxiety itself is still VERY present.

Financially?  Well, I wouldn't say I was in denial.  I just had blinders on and tried to stay optimistic, even as our funds were dwindling rapidly and Hubby was out of work for well over a year.

Lately?  It's been my overall fitness level.  Yes, I'm fat, but I also teach, 4 (or more) Pilates classes a week, walk the hills of San Francisco, swim, and lift weights, along with yoga and riding my bike.  But not as much as I used to.
Just now I tried a workout DVD that I hadn't done since my son was a toddler.  So we're talking about 7 or 8 years.  Granted, I was in my early 30's then, and had been in very good shape before getting pregnant, so it was easier for me.  I'm 41 and, I'm realizing, in pretty bad shape.  Yes I can walk up a steep hill without getting winded, but a few of those and I'm pretty tired the next day.
I couldn't even finish this DVD.  It's 45 minutes of circuit training, switching between low-impact cardio and strength training. I did about 25 minutes, and it was rather humbling.

But at least now I KNOW.  No more denying it.  I have GOT to get myself back in shape!  Early this morning, as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I started thinking about stress and disease.  My dad was a worrywart, and he got cancer.  I'm not saying stress is the ONLY cause (he had melanoma, so being outside without sunscreen had quite a bit to do with it!), but it certainly doesn't help.  

Lately I look in the mirror and see someone who has aged about 10 years in the last 5.  My skin is dull.  There are circles under my eyes.  My hair has taken on a life of its own and may soon take over my entire head. I am ALWAYS tired, and I rarely get enough sleep.  I am constantly worried about something or someone, and sometimes feel so much responsibility weighing down on me it's a wonder I can stand up straight.
I know this move will solve a lot of our financial issues, and it will be great to have help with the kids!  I'm hoping I will have a bit more free time (right now I have basically NONE, so anything is an improvement, lol!) and can maybe even take a few days off now and then.
And, I just have to say this: as much as I ADORE my kids, and am SO BLESSED, being a parent, especially a mom, of 2 autistic kids does sometimes take its toll.
(The other night WG had a sleepover at her aunt's for the first time.  I took LG for a walk, just me and him, and remembered how much FUN being a mom can be!  Lately there have been so many ISSUES to deal with that I haven't taken the time to just enjoy being with my kids. I'd like to spend more one-on-one time with each of them.  I think it's so important!)

But there are also concerns about the move, naturally.  It is not OUR house.  Don't get me wrong, my in-laws are incredibly generous, very tolerant folks, but it's going to take me a while to not feel like a guest in their home.
Also, the house needs A LOT of childproofing.  There are 3 floors and screen-less windows everywhere.  The yard is not completely safe, and LG frequently escapes out there without us noticing right away.  The house is filled with tall shelves and knick-knacks that have to be stored away.   And there are plenty of nooks and crannies for the kids to climb into.
So there's a lot to be done.

I realize, more than ever, that I need to get a handle on my stress.  Along with exercising and eating good, healthy food, stress management is what will keep me healthy.

I really, REALLY don't want to worry myself into an early grave!


Geosomin said...

I think it's good that you can see where you need to go, but try not to be too hard on yourself about it. Just start going in the right direction. Bit by bit things will fall into place. Honest. I'm proof it works out eventually as long s you keep going...:)

And honestly, considering all the stress you've had lately, I think you're dealing pretty well.

I'm glad you might get some more time to yourself in the new place. That is so important...

azusmom said...

Thanks! You certainly are proof!!!!!