OK, in my defense, I actually wrote 2 blog posts in the past week. I just didn't post them. One was written at 4 AM and was barely coherent, and the other was, well, kinda dull.
Plus, um, LG took over the computer and navigated away from the page before I could save the post.
It's been a very busy week. I've taught 8 classes since Saturday, will teach 4 more before the week is out, and had a job interview at a brand new Pilates/yoga studio! I have a teaching audition there next week. There's also a job fair today at a VERY nice club, right down the road, that I've been itching to work at. (I thought about joining as a member when we first moved here, but it's quite pricey.)
I've also been reading blogs. Of course! How would I get through my day without Charlotte, MizFit, Leslie, et al?!?!?!
I'm also coming to the end of my Zoloft-taking. In 2 weeks, I will no longer be on anti-depressants. Part of me is a little scared, but I'm also excited to see how I manage my mishugas (Yiddish word for craziness, stress, worry, etc.) on my own.
And, yes, fervently praying that this extra weight will FINALLY COME OFF, FER' CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!!!
In other news, I'm STILL trying to teach classes without participating 100%. Physically, that is. Trying to teach more off of the mat/Reformer, and give more personal feedback to each client. It's hard for me, because it feels a bit awkward right now. But if I end up teaching 12 classes a week, I certainly CANNOT go on doing the full class along with the clients. Besides, it's better for them to have a least a wee bit of individualized attention, dontcha think?
I'm also trying to work out a bit less, in general. I know, sounds weird. But I average 10-14 hours a week, and work out 6 days a week. I think I'm overdoing it. It's not like I'm training for the Olympics or anything. And I've learned from experience that working out more doesn't necessarily equal getting in better shape. Diminishing returns, that's what I'm worried about. Well, that and injury.
Finally, I read a great post today by author Kyra Davis (go check out the Sophie Katz mysteries; they're great fun, and she also wrote an amazing book called "So Much for My Happy Ending") In which she poses the question, what is a SUCCESSFUL relationship? Does it HAVE to mean that the couple stays together? What about all the good things we get from the other relationships, the ones that ended in breakups? Are they really failures? Or do we get something invaluable from each one, something we wouldn't have had otherwise? Ms. Davis points out that if it hadn't been for her marriage, she wouldn't have her son. If the marriage hadn't been as difficult as it was (her husband was bi-polar), she wouldn't have discovered her strength. And if not for her divorce, she wouldn't have her writing career. (She puts it all MUCH more eloquently than I have here. She's on MySpace, if you want to check her out.)
Which led me to perspective. The whole glass-half-full-or-half-empty thing.
I also watched a movie on "Masterpiece" (PBS) last night called "G-d on Trial." Based on a true story of a number of prisoners in Auschwitz who put together a tribunal to decide whether or not G-d had broken his covenant with the Jews. It was beautifully written and acted, and brought up SO MANY questions. One of the characters is a rabbi whose sons were taken from him. He challenges the notion of free will because when they were being transported, he begged the Nazi officer to let his sons go. When the officer asked him to point them out (there were 3 boys), he told the rabbi he could choose one. Of course, he couldn't choose, and doesn't know if his boys are alive or dead. But he still has a strong faith. Some of the men believe they are being tested, others that they are being punished, and still others that G-d has turned His back on them, entering into a covenant with others.
(After watching it, I hugged and kissed my kids A LOT!)
So, yeah. Perspective. POV. How do we keep our hopes up during times of suffering? How do we keep our humanity and civility when our leaders have devolved, either to petty bickering and sniping or all the way down to genocide? How do we keep our hopes up when we've lost our job, our home, our dignity? And, in the long run, does extra body fat REALLY matter all that much? I ask this mostly of myself.
I think back to living in Los Angeles, to having my children, and to the reaction by various people to my stretchmarks and post-pregnancy pooch. How HUGE a deal it was! How some people acted so disgusted and offended by those marks, and yet, how proud of them I was and still am. People would tell me that I could get surgery to erase them. That I could get my boobs lifted. The comment that got me was that I could look as if I'd never had children. Um, excuse me?!?!?! If that had been so important, then I wouldn't have had kids. If my main focus had been on my looks I wouldn't deserve my kids, IMHO! How many moms did I see who were so focused on having the perfect body/hair/accessories/clothes that they left their kids with nannies all day not so they could go to work, but while they went to the salon and the gym? That is NOT the kind I mom I am.
My stretchmarks are my souvenirs. I'm proud of my pregnancies and even prouder of my kids. Would I like to wear a bikini someday? Sure! But NOT if it means neglecting my kids while I go sweat it out with a personal trainer and spend 6 hours at a spa.
True, I am currently n ot at all happy with my weight or my physical appearance. But I'm proud of my accomplishments. My kids are thriving, despite the challenges of Autism. My family is a happy one. I'm on the road to fulfilling dreams I've had for many years but didn't feel "worthy" enough to pursue. I'm slowly moving out of the "Why would they want me" mindset to the "Why the hell WOULDN'T they" mindset.
OK, one last blog recommendation; over on "Does Every Woman Have an Eating Disorder," Dr. Stacey has posted a short film about Nick Vijicic, a man with no arms and legs who speaks all over the world to kids and adults about, well, life. He specifically mentions EDs. And he really gives a great, yes, perspective. At one point he says "I may not be able to hold my wife's hand, but I can hold her heart."