Thursday, February 7, 2013

And How Does That Make You Feel-OH SHUT UP!!!!!!!

Yeah, there's a definite drawback to letting oneself feel one's emotions.
Some of those emotions SERIOUSLY SUCK!

The past few days have been rough.  Partly due to hormones, partly due to my trying to accept my feelings and not ignore them/stuff them down/eat them away.

It's also partly due, I think, to the fact that I'm not insanely busy for the first time in 2 decades. All this down time is...odd. I kinda HAVE to feel everything.  I'm not too-busy-I'll-deal-with-that-later-or-y'know-NEVER anymore.

And it's a little frightening!

You know how there's the version of yourself you present to the world, the one you'd like to be, and then there's the REAL you?  That second one? She scares me.
She's the one who can be filled with immense rage.  The one who sometimes hates other people.  The one who can feels trapped, or useless, or as if she's wasting all the potential she had 20 years ago. Who feels as if she's missed a big chunk of her life, and went from promising newbie to has-been without anything in between. Who feels as if she's bumping up against the same walls she came up against all those years ago.
Who looks at her life and wonders how the hell she can be here, at this age, and who feels like a complete failure.

But there's another side to her, too.  The one that knows she HAS come a long way, baby!  Who sees that there isn't just one road, but a long path with a whole lot of forks in it, and she's been travelling a pretty interesting route.  One with more twists and turns than the road that goes from A-Z.
And with MUCH better views.

The one who knows that walking in a straight line with her head down may have gotten her more material success, but it would also have been REALLY dull.  And exceptionally lonely.
Who remembers that things, for the most part, happen for a reason.
Even the painful, sucky things.

So I let myself feel the rage, the deep, deep sadness, the anxiety, and I hope that feeling it will let me release it.  Because, as I've said before, emotions are like kids: They'll do anything to get you to pay attention.  And if you don't, they'll start taking some pretty drastic measures until you do.

So OK, I hear you.  I see you.  I feel you, as the kids say (only in this case it's literal).  You, my emotions, can stop jumping on the bed, screaming your heads off, because I am finally, FINALLY paying attention.  I'll come over and sit with you, put my arms around you, and listen.



Geosomin said...

Wow. That is very brave of you. It's really hard to do that...I commend you for having the strength to :)

azusmom said...