Monday, January 21, 2013

Some Thoughts on This Inaguration/MLK Day

So, yeah, today was a big day!  We watched the inauguration from our hotel room, on the last morning of our latest Yosemite trip.  (WG has discovered the joys of sledding, and can even make it up the hill by herself.  It was a beautiful thing to see! Plus, we were greeted by 3 happy, friendly dogs who were playing in the snow nearby.)
I honestly wasn't expecting the kind of turnout they had.  Since it was a second inauguration, and because so many people seem so disenfranchised with government, I was expecting a respectable but much smaller number of folks.   It was nice to see so many there.
From there we packed up the car and headed out, stopping for coffee along the way, where I was greeted by 3 enthusiastic canines.  Including a 10 month-old German shepherd who came up on my blind side, jumped up and licked my face before I could even register his presence.
Dogs in threes seemed to be a theme for the weekend.
It was a good morning!

We're home now, getting ready to resume school/work/etc.  Bit of a busy week for me: lots of appointments, and we start the new Shakespeare class on Thursday.  I'm nervous, but excited, too.

Something occurred to me a few days ago.  It was odd, actually: I was thinking about an incident that happened about 15 years ago, but left a mark.  Hubby and I were having lunch with his then-manager.  I was polite and smiley, hoping to make a good impression so that, maybe, she'd want to represent me, too, and start sending me on auditions.  I'd had ZERO luck getting any kind of representation, and it was next to impossible to get an audition without it.
So there we sat, at one of my favorite L.A eateries (Hugo's in West Hollywood).  As I tucked in to my salad, she stated that I was "A big girl."  I believe I have mentioned that, at the time, I was 140 pounds.  I''m 5'9".
Needless to say, my appetite fled into the L.A. smog, and I spent the rest of the day-no-WEEK wondering a) If I was really THAT big and b) Why the hell she felt the need to say it, and in such a snarly tone. Hubby didn't hear her.  I think she did that on purpose. After all, you don't piss off a client who's making you money.  And, at that time, he was. I was too embarrassed to mention it.  Looking back, I SO wish I had!

Over the years that comment has come back to haunt me an infinite number of times.  You all know that L.A. did a number on my psyche, and I'm only now, after nearly 7 years away, getting out of that mindset.
But the other day I finally realized something about that little incident: I believe that woman was, dare I say it, JEALOUS.  It never occurred to me because I simply cannot fathom the idea of another person being envious of me for ANYTHING, but I truly believe, now, that this was the case.  She wasn't just nice with Hubby, she flirted with him quite a bit.  I think she probably had a thing for him, and was pissed off that he was with me.
Fatty ol' me.  How the hell could I snag someone like him when I looked like I did? Unmani-pedi'ed, unwaxed, un-rail-thin, un-highlighted, etc.  Plus, I dressed like a hippie!  For someone who probably spent at least an hour getting ready every morning, it must have been quite a shock.

I wish I'd figured it out before.  I can't say it would have saved me years of heartache, but it would've lessened the pain a smidge.

However, I have learned an important lesson: Don't always take things at face value. She wasn't, as I'd thought, giving me her opinion as an Industry Professional (and, really, what were her credentials?!?!  Up until 2 months before that day she'd worked for a shoe company, now suddenly she's a judge of talent?!?!?!  I know that's snarky but, well, there it is), but as a jealous chick who wanted to take my place in my relationship.  Most likely.
Even if that wasn't the case, SOMETHING about me pissed her off.  And I doubt it was my body type. It was hate at first sight, and nothing to do with anything I'd said or done.

I feel a bit angry that I let her pettiness and, let's me honest, bitchiness influence me for so long.  I suppose I should feel sorry for the small, bitter woman that she was.  But after what happened the other day, I find I don't have room in me for that kind of compassion.
After so many years of having her in my head, I'm just going to dump her out. *

And there are a few others who need to go, as well.

Arrividerci, nasty negative ones!

*(BTW, a few months later, she was no longer working for that management company.  Karma?)

Anyway.  Life is a whole lot better now, and I'm glad I'm not the person I was 15 years ago. The kind who puts a lot of stock in the opinions of people she barely knew,  and who didn't know her AT ALL.  And I'm very happy that I AM the type of person dogs will jump up on and lick.

'Cause that rocks!

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