Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Oh! Right!

So those blues I was talking about?  Well, I've been doing an emotional inventory and realizing that this has been building up for some time.  And it's more than the blues.  Unfortunately I think it's the return of my depression, as well as anxiety.
I have a doctor's appointment on Friday (for my elbow: it's been sore for a while), so I'm going to ask him to write me a prescription for antidepressants again. And I'll be seeing my therapist the day before to let her know.

Because aside from the depression, sadness, and anxiety there is rage.  Every once in a while I just get so pi**ed off, and it feels uncontrollable.  It's a whole lot better than it used to be, and I try to let it loose only when I'm alone, but still...I just cannot live anymore with that beast inside of me.  It's scary, and shameful.  So I need to figure out where it comes from, and deal with it.  It's REALLY not healthy!

Which brings me back to my weight.  I can't help but wonder if it's some kind of shield between me and the world.  Because sometimes this world is so deplorable.  Sometimes I think that, if not for my kids, I would simply leave it.  And THAT'S when I know I'm in trouble!
So it's time to stop pretending that everything is fine, because it isn't.  I'm not going to off myself, but having those kids of thoughts is frightening.  Feeling so scared and hopeless is a sign that it's time for help.  Dreading waking up in the morning is no way to live. Neither is feeling the kind of fear I feel when I start thinking that the only reason to be here is for the kids' sakes, because they deserve a mom who WANTS to be here, fully in her own life, and not just marking time.

This post is very difficult to write, because I feel like such a huge failure.  I love my husband and kids more than anything and would never do anything to hurt them.  Most of the time I'm with them I am fully present and happy.  But there are more and more moments of detachment, especially when I'm alone.

It's easy to put the focus on weight/politics/the move/a new car (which we now have - YAY!), all of which are important and must be deal with.  But I lose myself.  I use all these issues, too, as a shield to keep myself from dealing with whatever it is that's really going on.

So it may be time to take a break from some things like Facebook.  To unplug from all the social media and  get back into real life.  I'll still post here and read blogs, but I need time to unwind, unplug, and deal with, well, me.

OK.  Gonna take the kids to the hot tub.  Have a good  night, everyone!


The Merry said...

I'm glad you let us know, so we won't worry.

azusmom said...

Thanks! All will be well!