For years we've been hearing about learning to love ourselves. And it's definitely important. But what about LIKING ourselves? 'Cause it's possible to love someone without liking them all that much, right?
Over the past decade, since our son and then our daughter came along, I've spent much more time at home. Before the kids came along I was ALWAYS crazy-busy: due to the nature of my work, I'd drive from one job to another to another, teaching here, rehearsing there, then going for an audition or job interview somewhere else. In the Spring of '98 I drove from the San Fernando Valley to Pomona on Mondays and Wednesdays to teach all day at Cal Poly, then to San Diego on Tuesdays and Thursdays to teach at UCSD. After my Thursday class I'd drive to West L.A in rush hour traffic to perform in "Romeo & Juliet," which we performed 5 times over the next 4 days. Sunday nights, after the last show of the week, I'd chill for a bit, then start all over again the next morning. I'd had a similar schedule since graduating from college.
So when the kids came along and I became a stay-at-home mom, it was a bit of an adjustment. Especially when Hubby went off on tour, and it was me & the kids 24/7. However they were very young, and I was very busy. So the days (and nights) were taken up with preschool, diaper changes, cleaning, cooking, their therapies, and all that other mom stuff.
Nowadays the kids are in school most of the day, and when I'm not working, I find myself, well, by myself. And, as much as I groused about how busy I was until recently, I think subconsciously I did it on purpose. But then reality hit: I'm not 25 anymore,. I don't have the same time and energy I had back then, and I need to to ease up a bit and learn to stand my own company. Even when the kids are home, Hubby often isn't. And the kids are able to amuse themselves now without doing permanent damage to themselves or the house (unlike the Great Sharpie Incident of '06), so I'm still left to my own devices.
I've thought about taking up a nice quiet hobby. Like knitting. But I'm too hyper for that, I think. I don't know that I have the patience to learn, and I get frustrated easily. I COULD try being adult about it, but where's the fun in THAT?!?!?!
So maybe I'll go back to writing. Just for myself. Putting down on paper all the stories in my head. I used to really enjoy that. And knowing that I'm the only one who will ever read any of it takes the pressure off.
But I STILL have to learn to be in my own skin. To take my own advice and take a deep breath, close my eyes, and chill.
To pay attention.
I really think it'll solve a lot of my issues!!!!!
OK. So now, I need to get some sleep. Have a good night!