I was not going to write about this at all. I was going to keep it my little secret form my blogging pals.
But then I realized I'd be doing you all a huge disservice.
And that is not cool.
I have a confession to make, and it's embarrassing.
I recently re-joined Weight Watchers.
To be more precise, I joined on the night of January 21st. It was Friday, I had just eaten way too much at dinner (again), and I was feeling desperate. My weight was going up again. I was stressed to the max, feeling sick and lethargic, and needed to do SOMETHING. So I got on the computer, looked at the new program, and signed up for a month. I promised myself that the moment I started sinking back into ED-like behaviors, I would stop.
But then something funny happened: I started noticing more and more how I was feeling. At times when I would normally have a snack, out of habit, I found myself asking if I was really hungry. If so, I'd have that snack. But if not, I'd refrain. I just didn't eat anything until I was hungry. And it was good!
I found myself wondering what kind of workout, if any, I felt like doing. Sometimes it was a 60-minute, high-intensity gut-buster (like yesterday), and other times it was a walk, or a little bit of yoga, or nothing at all.
And I felt OK, with all of it.
Granted, it has only been a bit over a week, but in that time I have started ...eating and exercising according to what my body tells me.
Who knew that this commercial weight-loss program would be my entry into full-on IE? Yes, I'm counting points, but it's an afterthought. First I ask myself what (and IF) I really want to eat, then do the math later. Whereas before, last time I did the program, I would abstain from even healthy fats because of their point level, I don't bother now. My main concern is how healthy it is (seeing my F-I-L after his multiple surgeries has made me a bit obsessive, but it'll calm down) and is it what I really want.
None of the "diet-think" has come into play, which is what I was most afraid of. I'm not thinking "I have to finish this because I already calculated my points" or "I can't eat all of this, it has too many points." Instead, I ask myself if I WANT to finish it, and adjust the points accordingly. (This morning I made some oatmeal, then ate half of it. I just wasn't hungry enough to finish it. And when I got hungry later, I ate. For me, this was HUGE.)
When I was first reading about IE, one of the things that jumped out at me was how IE'ers can leave food on their plates and not think about it. They can have a cake in the house and take it or leave it. That seemed impossible to me at the time. Now I am becoming a person who can do just that.
I don't give WW all the credit. Actually, I don't give them much credit at all; this is ME. I've been working my butt off in therapy and in life to get to this point! WW gives me structure and helps me think before I mindlessly cram food into my cake hole, but all the other stuff is ME.
And you guys! Knowing I'm not alone in my craziness is a BIG help, lol! And the encouragement and support I get from your comments and from reading your blogs is beyond words.
I feel lighter. Not just because of the 6 pounds (mostly fluid, I'm sure, lol!) I've lost, but because I am finally, FINALLY, getting it. Not just in my head, but in my body. Yes, I'm trying to lose weight. But I am also hopeful that I WILL be a full-on intuitive eater sooner rather than later, and I am confident that I have the tools now to better deal with life and all it's stuff.
So there it is. My secret is out, and I am glad. I realize this may disappoint some of you, and that's OK. I can deal with that. I would not presume to tell you what you can and cannot feel.
After all, that's what got me into so much trouble to begin with!