Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How Does That Make You FEEEEEEL?????

Well, to be honest, like crap.
I won't get into details.  Hubby and I rarely argue.  We're lucky; we've found ways of working things out that don't involve shouting, screaming, accusations, broken glass, or calls to 911 by the neighbors.  But when we DO have an argument, it just su*#s!!!!!!
And because I am who I am, I have a REALLY hard time letting go. I have to go through all the anger, hurt, sadness, and whatever other drek needs to make its way out of my system before I can get back to normal.  In this case, I'm still not there.  Even after nearly 24 hours and not a whole lot of sleep.
See, I'm trying to BE with my feelings, rather than shove them down, ignore them, make them go away, or eating them.  NONE of that works.  So I'm stuck in the Quagmire O' Crud, emotionally, right now.
And I HATE it.
Especially since there are some unresolved issues, and Hubby isn't home. And when he gets home, the kids will be here.  And I'll have to leave for work right away. I'll have to be all grown up and professional and leave all this at home. So I'm kinda stuck.
And I KNOW this is all part of life, that we take the good with the bad, etc. 
But it still stinks!

Monday, April 26, 2010

The Food Police are Invading... favorite morning radio show!
There's a duo up here, Sarah & Vinnie, who do mornings at Alice 97.3 FM.  I have been listening for as long as I can remember.  I listened before we moved here whenever we visited, and now I listen every morning.
But I'm starting to get, well, annoyed. 
OK, pissed off!
Because they have a few sidekicks.  One of them is Hooman.  He's a pretty cool guy.  Or else, he used to be.  Now he's "discovered" yoga and veganism, he broke up with his girlfriend, and he's become bitter and annoying.  He's CONSTANTLY proselytizing about his diet, and always asking guests about what they eat, he seems to have developed a dislike for most females, and he is downright excrutiating to listen to!  I LOVE this morning show, but I'm getting to the point where I don't want to listen anymore because this guy is ruining it!
Also, let me just say, it's very easy to have a "perfect" diet when the only person you are responsible for feeding is you.  When I was single and in my 20's, I ate the healthiest food!!!!!  These days, between working 6 days a week at 3 different places, raising 2 kids with special needs (and food issues), as well as money worries, well, the diet's not quite as pristine as it once was.
Of course, back when it WAS pristine, I was also anorexic. 
So there's that.

It's kinda like having a good friend suddenly start preaching her low-carb (or whatever) diet at you every time you meet for lunch, criticizing every bite you take and watching you like a hawk.  Oh, and making snarky comments on your weight.

I'm thinking I'll have to write to the radio station.  I can't be the only one shouting "Shut the [bleep] up, Hooman!" every time he goes off, can I?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Deep Breaths Needed

It seems that Wednesdays are my blogging days.  Probably because I have Wednesday mornings free.
OK, a few peeves to get off my chest: the new radio campaign for some kinda shampoo made for blondes; a faux news report about hot blondes taking over the streets of whatever city the ad is being broadcast in.  The subtext being that, of course, the only important thing about a female is her hotness factor (as judged by random guys), and the only way to be hot is to be blonde.  Also implied; young, skinny, and white.

Am I getting carpal tunnel, or am I just being my old Jewish mother, hypochondriac self?

Why is it I sleep for 8 hours but have crazy, active dreams, and wake up feeling exhausted, like I just ran a marathon?  (Not that I know what running a marathon feels like.)

Yesterday was long.  And a really rough session in my voiceover class.  One of those days where I want to throw in the towel and just say "FORGET IT!!!!"  Like the guy on "Sesame Street" who sings "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" but can't find a word to rhyme with "stream" and throws his head onto the piano keys shouting "Oh, I'll  never get it! Never!"
Yeah, kinda like that.
I've had A LOT of those moments when it comes to acting.
So I have to think about whether I really want this.
But I don't have to decide right this minute.
Plus, I HAVE met a bunch of REALLY cool folks in my class!

Not to sound whiny (which will, of course, guarantee that I'm sounding like a world champion whiner), but I have to put my yoga teacher training on hold and focus on training to teach on more Pilates equipment (chair, barrel, trapeze, cadillac, etc.) because I need to make more money.  Working at a studio will help me make more, and I'll be able to do more one-on-one and not worry so much about whether or not my classes will be cancelled due to poor attendance.  I realize that teaching Pilates and yoga is something to be done for the love of it, and I DO love it, but we're also in a crappy economy, Hubby was laid off, and we have 2 kids who need things like food, clothing, and shelter.
Plus, I like the idea of helping people come back from an injury, surgery, or just helping them get stronger.

Finally, I need some good thoughts for our dog.  She had yet another bladder infection, so she's going in for an ultrasound.  She's almost 12, so she's not a puppy anymore.  And she's the sweetest, loveliest, most patient dog in the world, loves the kids (the other day she tried to block the entire Pacific Ocean from WG, who kept trying to run in even though it was freezing and the surf was rough), and we're hoping for a few more years with her.

OK.  I'm off to take a nap.  I'm exhausted from all that dreaming!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I think I have posted before that I am NOT, in any way, shape or form, a dancer.  Despite dance lessons from the ages of 4-12, and again in college and grad school.  Not only am I not a dancer, I AM a klutz.  I literally trip over my own 2 feet.  I even trip over things that aren't there!  Thank goodness that a lot of Pilates is done lying down; there's nowhere to fall!
Recently, though, I'd been hearing a LOT about Zumba.  We have classes at the gyms where I teach, a Zumba studio opened up nearby, and all of my clients talk about it.  How fun it is.  And, of course, there are the infomercials.  And you know I LOVE me a fitness DVD infomercial!  Heck, I even watched the one for The Firm Wave the other day, even though I'm not a big fan of The Firm (klutz, remember?).  But I find the infomercials hugely entertaining.
Well, the good news is, my sister-in-law WON a free Zumba DVD-plus-firming sticks (basically VERY lightweight maracas-FUN!) package and SHE GAVE IT TO ME!!!!!  There are 5 workouts plus an instructional DVD.  I did one workout on Monday.  And another last night.
And I think I'm addicted.
It is so much fun!  And even I, klutzoid of the year, can do it.  They make it very easy to follow along, and I don't feel NEARLY as spazzy as I thought I would.  Plus, did I mention that it's fun?  The time goes by very quickly.  I have to make some of the moves low impact right now, but who cares?  My heart is beating, sweat is pouring, and I don't have to worry about smashing into anyone else 'cause I'm home.
And it's the perfect level for me right now.  ("Insanity" is on the back burner: it's WAAAAAAY too intense right now!)

BTW, I got a new job with 3 more classes!!!!!!! One of my interviews from last week, at the brand new studio.  We're gonna start with these 3 classes, see how it goes, and either add more a or move the classes around, if need be.  As for the other place, the one right nearby, well, they're interested, but they need more time from me than I give give right now.  I hate to do things half-a#$ed, so I may just try to get in as a sub right now, see if that works.  I'm also offering demos at the JCC.  So if everything turns permamnent, I could be teaching 14 classes a week.

Anyway, if you have a chance to try Zumba, I say go for it. 

That is all.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


OK, in my defense, I actually wrote 2 blog posts in the past week.  I just didn't post them.  One was written at 4 AM and was barely coherent, and the other was, well, kinda dull.
Plus, um, LG took over the computer and navigated away from the page before I could save the post.

Moving along...
It's been a very busy week.  I've taught 8 classes since Saturday, will teach 4 more before the week is out, and had a job interview at a brand new Pilates/yoga studio!  I have a teaching audition there next week.  There's also a job fair today at a VERY nice club, right down the road, that I've been itching to work at.  (I thought about joining as a member when we first moved here, but it's quite pricey.)
I've also been reading blogs.  Of course!  How would I get through my day without Charlotte, MizFit, Leslie, et al?!?!?!
I'm also coming to the end of my Zoloft-taking.  In 2 weeks, I will no longer be on anti-depressants.  Part of me is a little scared, but I'm also excited to see how I manage my mishugas (Yiddish word for craziness, stress, worry, etc.) on my own.
And, yes, fervently praying that this extra weight will FINALLY COME OFF, FER' CRYIN' OUT LOUD!!!!!
In other news, I'm STILL trying to teach classes without participating 100%.  Physically, that is.  Trying to teach more off of the mat/Reformer, and give more personal feedback to each client.  It's hard for me, because it feels a bit awkward right now. But if I end up teaching 12 classes a week, I certainly CANNOT go on doing the full class along with the clients.  Besides, it's better for them to have a least a wee bit of individualized attention, dontcha think?
I'm also trying to work out a bit less, in general.  I know, sounds weird.  But I average 10-14 hours a week, and work out 6 days a week.  I think I'm overdoing it.  It's not like I'm training for the Olympics or anything.  And I've learned from experience that working out more doesn't necessarily equal getting in better shape.  Diminishing returns, that's what I'm worried about. Well, that and injury.

Finally, I read a great post today by author Kyra Davis (go check out the Sophie Katz mysteries; they're great fun, and she also wrote an amazing book called "So Much for My Happy Ending") In which she poses the question, what is a SUCCESSFUL relationship?  Does it HAVE to mean that the couple stays together?  What about all the good things we get from the other relationships, the ones that ended in breakups?  Are they really failures? Or do we get something invaluable from each one, something we wouldn't have had otherwise? Ms. Davis points out that if it hadn't been for her marriage, she wouldn't have her son. If the marriage hadn't been as difficult as it was (her husband was bi-polar), she wouldn't have discovered her strength.  And if not for her divorce, she wouldn't have her writing career.  (She puts it all MUCH more eloquently than I have here.  She's on MySpace, if you want to check her out.)
Which led me to perspective.  The whole glass-half-full-or-half-empty thing. 
I also watched a movie on  "Masterpiece" (PBS) last night called "G-d on Trial."  Based on a true story of a number of prisoners in Auschwitz who put together a tribunal to decide whether or not G-d had broken his covenant with the Jews.  It was beautifully written and acted, and brought up SO MANY questions.  One of the characters is a rabbi whose sons were taken from him. He challenges the notion of free will because when they were being transported, he begged the Nazi officer to let his sons go.  When the officer asked him to point them out (there were 3 boys), he told the rabbi he could choose one.  Of course, he couldn't choose, and doesn't know if his boys are alive or dead.  But he still has a strong faith.  Some of the men believe they are being tested, others that they are being punished, and still others that G-d has turned His back on them, entering into a covenant with others.
(After watching it, I hugged and kissed my kids A LOT!)
So, yeah.  Perspective.  POV.  How do we keep our hopes up during times of suffering?  How do we keep our humanity and civility when our leaders have devolved, either to petty bickering and sniping or all the way down to genocide?  How do we keep our hopes up when we've lost our job, our home, our dignity?  And, in the long run, does extra body fat REALLY matter all that much?  I ask this mostly of myself.
I think back to living in Los Angeles, to having my children, and to the reaction by various people to my stretchmarks and post-pregnancy pooch.  How HUGE a deal it was!  How some people acted so disgusted and offended by those marks, and yet, how proud of them I was and still am. People would tell me that I could get surgery to erase them.  That I could get my boobs lifted.  The comment that got me was that I could look as if I'd never had children.  Um, excuse me?!?!?!  If that had been so important, then I wouldn't have had kids.  If my main focus had been on my looks I wouldn't deserve my kids, IMHO!  How many moms did I see who were so focused on having the perfect body/hair/accessories/clothes that they left their kids with nannies all day not so they could go to work, but while they went to the salon and the gym?  That is NOT the kind I mom I am.
My stretchmarks are my souvenirs. I'm proud of my pregnancies and even prouder of my kids.  Would I like to wear a bikini someday?  Sure!  But NOT if it means neglecting my kids while I go sweat it out with a personal trainer and spend 6 hours at a spa.
True, I am currently n ot at all happy with my weight or my physical appearance.  But I'm proud of my accomplishments.  My kids are thriving, despite the challenges of Autism.  My family is a happy one.  I'm on the road to fulfilling dreams I've had for many years but didn't feel "worthy" enough to pursue.  I'm slowly moving out of the "Why would they want me" mindset to the "Why the hell WOULDN'T they" mindset.
OK, one last blog recommendation; over on "Does Every Woman Have an Eating Disorder," Dr. Stacey has posted a short film about Nick Vijicic, a man with no arms and legs who speaks all over the world to kids and adults about, well, life.  He specifically mentions EDs.  And he really gives a great, yes, perspective.  At one point he says "I may not be able to hold my wife's hand, but I can hold her heart."
Perspectives, indeed.