When I Was Younger...

I wished I could be one of those naturally thin girls who could eat whatever she wanted and not gain weight. But as I got older, I realized that I probably would not have found my love of working out if I had been one of those women. I started working out in my teens, right after puberty hit, because I suddenly had boobs and hips and wanted to lose weight. I wanted my pre-pubescent, non-threatening body back. The one that let me look my age, and not 10 years older. The one that let me sit in the corner, unnoticed, rather than the one that made me stand out and get unwanted attention from men on the subway.
I didn't consciously realize all this at the time, I just thought I was fat and ugly, and didn't look like the girls in "Seventeen" magazine.

But not being one of the pretty, popular girls was a blessing in disguise. It made me work harder, find something I was good at, and I knew who my real friends were. After all, who but a true friend would hang out with a neurotic nerd like me, lol?


Then I got older, and the only thing that mattered was being a "brilliant actress!" (Insert mental picture here of Jon Lovitz, from his days on "SNL," as the great act-or.) It was a different kind of neurosis. I wanted everyone to like me! If I was in a room with 100 people, and 95 of them were fawning all over me (hey, it could happen!), I'd be focused on the 5 that weren't.

And I still thought I was too fat.

Which led to Bulimia, then Anorexia, then over-exercising, along with every diet known to womankind.

Lately I find myself falling into a diet-y mindset again. It started, surpirse, surprise, when my dad was dying. But now I know that this would be THE WORST time to start a diet (not that there's ever a good time, since, um, diets don't work), but it would take focus away from what I need to do right now, which is grieve.

So I ate a lot of pasts tonight. And it's OK. I'm not going to stuff my feelings down with food. I'd just taught a Pilates class, will be teaching another in an hour, and I was hungry. Plus, if I do say so myself, it was GOOOOOOD!!!!!!

So, there are things we want which may not always be what we need. Or, y'know, what the Rolling Stones said.