Sorry for the blog silence. For the past week + I've been taking care of sick kids. First LG, then WG. I think WG should be ready to head back to school tomorrow. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but seeing your child lying in bed, listless, and eyes glassy with fever just sucks!
But then, coming downstairs and seeing them practically inside the 'fridge, 'cause their appetite is back and they want food NOW, is very reassuring! :)
I spent some time yesterday with my friend, a fellow teacher/actor/parent of an autistic child. It was such a relief to just talk to someone who gets it! She was telling me about an audition she'd had recently, her first one in a long time, and how utterly different a world it is once you have kids. (And how she wanted to kill a couple of the other actresses there, for complaining about the garbage truck waking them up at 6:30 AM. "How am I supposed to audition when I had to wake up at 6:30?!?!?!?!" Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!)
On Saturday, before WG got sick, we took the kids to a special event at the Children's Discovery Museum in San Jose. 3 times a year they and open the museum on Saturday night specifically for kids with special needs and their families. The exhibits (some of them) are geared toward the population, the staff is trained, and there is even a band made up of other autistic kids! Both of mine were dancing their little hearts out: It was AMAZING! Hubby and I both got a bit weepy. :)
I'm starting a new writing class next week. And a friend suggested that, instead of always sitting down to write, I simply record my ideas while I'm up & around (pacing, riding the Spin bike, whatever). I think it's a fantastic idea! Because sometimes I'm just too scattered to sit & write & actually complete something, and I tend to think better on my feet.
So everyone will just have to get used to my talking to myself, lol!
Finally, if I may geek out a bit here, I've, of course, been watching "Sherlock" on PBS (after having seen it online). I'm trying to find a link for "The Musketeers," currently airing in the UK (but not here until Spring). Aaaaaaand, Peter Capaldi's Doctor costume has been revealed, and it is FANTASTIC, IMHO. I'm crap at linking things, so if you're curious, just google it. Or head over to tumblr, where there are about 4,000 photos of it. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I've been watching the show since I was 12, and I have NEVER been this excited for a new Doctor! I do feel 12 years old again. :)
Without all the pre-adolescent angst, thankfully.
Alright. Gotta go entertain WG.
Have a good one!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Holy Cow!
Something pretty amazing happened yesterday. Which I'll get to in a bit.
But first...
F-I-L is home from the hospital. :) He'd gone into renal failure last Thursday. The doctors weren't sure why, at first. Turns out it may have been they dye they'd injected into his veins to track his blood flow. He's diabetic, so sometimes his body will reject that sort of thing. Luckily, by Friday he was better, and by Monday he was home. Yesterday he even climbed the stairs to use his old computer.
Which is great, but I still think we should move that computer downstairs. That's a lot of stairs.
I watched the third episode of "Sherlock" last night, and wow! It's great! And the ending is FANTASTIC! I was worried about some of the characters but, well, spoilers.
I also did another yoga workshop on Sunday. It was core-based, but worked everything. I felt terrific afterward, but I was exhausted all day Monday, lol!
AND, I'm signing up for another writing class. It's taught by a woman who also used to be an actor, so she teaches from that perspective.
Which should be helpful.
I've made inquiries with an improv group in town, but haven't heard back from them yet. Hopefully soon...
OK. So, yesterday I was on my EFT conference call. I was feeling very pissy and PMS-y, and didn't want to do the tapping. And then I started feeling bitter: Why have I been trying to FIX myself for 40 years? I look around and I see, quite frankly, some of the meanest, nastiest, most ignorant people shooting their mouths off with (seemingly) no consequences whatsoever, going through life like they are the sh*t and the rest of us should just get out of their way. If people like THAT don't feel the need for self-help, why do I spend so much time "working on myself"?!?!?!?!
I'm not perfect. No one is. But I'm basically a good, decent human. I don't go around hurling insults, or trolling people online. If someone has an issue with me, well, at this point it's THEIR issue. It's time for me to not only love myself, but to LIKE myself. After all, I'm a pretty cool chick! I think I'd want me for a friend.
So it finally clicked. For real. Not just the intellectual understanding, but the deep down, gut-level understanding.
There are times I will screw up. And that's being human. I'll apologize, learn from it, and move on. But I'm through berating myself. I'm done regretting the past. There's nothing there that can be changed, and it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I sometimes make it out to be!
I grew up believing that I was inherently BAD. That I needed to be FIXED. That there was something wrong with me, deep down inside. And I think my dad believed that about himself, as well. Who knows how far back it goes. But, again, it ends with me.
One of the things I'm most proud of is that my kids are secure in the knowledge that they are loved. Loved deeply and fully, and that nothing will ever change that. I didn't have that when I was growing up. When you are a kid and you believe that love is conditional, well, it creates a lot of issues, lol! For me, I would have sworn that being loved depended on a laundry list of accomplishments: Being thin "enough," getting good grades, keeping my room clean, never making anyone angry, being "good," etc. It was a long and fluid list, and I ALWAYS came up short.
Some people thought it was odd that I chose acting as my profession; after all, you're constantly criticized, and often found lacking. But, for me, it was familiar and comfortable territory. It was all I knew. And it wasn't until I was a young professional, having finally built up my confidence, that I realized it could be different. That it SHOULD be different.
And, at long last, I'm realizing that that holds true for ALL aspects of life.
So, here's to better days! For all of us!
But first...
F-I-L is home from the hospital. :) He'd gone into renal failure last Thursday. The doctors weren't sure why, at first. Turns out it may have been they dye they'd injected into his veins to track his blood flow. He's diabetic, so sometimes his body will reject that sort of thing. Luckily, by Friday he was better, and by Monday he was home. Yesterday he even climbed the stairs to use his old computer.
Which is great, but I still think we should move that computer downstairs. That's a lot of stairs.
I watched the third episode of "Sherlock" last night, and wow! It's great! And the ending is FANTASTIC! I was worried about some of the characters but, well, spoilers.
I also did another yoga workshop on Sunday. It was core-based, but worked everything. I felt terrific afterward, but I was exhausted all day Monday, lol!
AND, I'm signing up for another writing class. It's taught by a woman who also used to be an actor, so she teaches from that perspective.
Which should be helpful.
I've made inquiries with an improv group in town, but haven't heard back from them yet. Hopefully soon...
OK. So, yesterday I was on my EFT conference call. I was feeling very pissy and PMS-y, and didn't want to do the tapping. And then I started feeling bitter: Why have I been trying to FIX myself for 40 years? I look around and I see, quite frankly, some of the meanest, nastiest, most ignorant people shooting their mouths off with (seemingly) no consequences whatsoever, going through life like they are the sh*t and the rest of us should just get out of their way. If people like THAT don't feel the need for self-help, why do I spend so much time "working on myself"?!?!?!?!
I'm not perfect. No one is. But I'm basically a good, decent human. I don't go around hurling insults, or trolling people online. If someone has an issue with me, well, at this point it's THEIR issue. It's time for me to not only love myself, but to LIKE myself. After all, I'm a pretty cool chick! I think I'd want me for a friend.
So it finally clicked. For real. Not just the intellectual understanding, but the deep down, gut-level understanding.
There are times I will screw up. And that's being human. I'll apologize, learn from it, and move on. But I'm through berating myself. I'm done regretting the past. There's nothing there that can be changed, and it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I sometimes make it out to be!
I grew up believing that I was inherently BAD. That I needed to be FIXED. That there was something wrong with me, deep down inside. And I think my dad believed that about himself, as well. Who knows how far back it goes. But, again, it ends with me.
One of the things I'm most proud of is that my kids are secure in the knowledge that they are loved. Loved deeply and fully, and that nothing will ever change that. I didn't have that when I was growing up. When you are a kid and you believe that love is conditional, well, it creates a lot of issues, lol! For me, I would have sworn that being loved depended on a laundry list of accomplishments: Being thin "enough," getting good grades, keeping my room clean, never making anyone angry, being "good," etc. It was a long and fluid list, and I ALWAYS came up short.
Some people thought it was odd that I chose acting as my profession; after all, you're constantly criticized, and often found lacking. But, for me, it was familiar and comfortable territory. It was all I knew. And it wasn't until I was a young professional, having finally built up my confidence, that I realized it could be different. That it SHOULD be different.
And, at long last, I'm realizing that that holds true for ALL aspects of life.
So, here's to better days! For all of us!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Better!
F-I-L is MUCH better. The chest pains were a minor heart attack, which is fairly common for folks who have the surgery he'd had on Monday after having had a bypass. Still, heart attack...
But the first thing he asked about after surgery was whether he could watch the basketball game. :)
He's doing well, so far. He's eating, walking a bit, and is in good spirits. His vitals look good. He's still in ICU, so they're keeping a close eye on him.
Today I'm taking some time alone. Something I haven't had, what with winter break and all. :) Yesterday I met with a behavioral therapist for WG's potty training, but since then have been lying low.
She said to me that parents of kids with special needs are chosen, because not everyone could handle it. I've heard it before, but I guess I needed to hear it again. And I'm stickin' to it!
Since things have calmed down (a bit) since Tuesday, I went online and watched the first two episodes of the new season of "Sherlock." I just couldn't wait, lol! It took some hunting, but I was able to find links on Tumblr. I won't go into detail, for those of you who haven't seen them yet, but, while they're a different tone than the first two seasons, I found them very entertaining and endearing. But knowing Moffat and Gatiss, we're being set up for something BIG...
As for the "Doctor Who" Christmas special/regeneration: The removal of the bow tie broke my heart, but the actual regeneration made me VERY HAPPY! Peter Capaldi is one of my favorite actors, he's been a fan of the show since he was a kid, and he's going to be brilliant!
("Kidneys!")
OK. Gotta get the kiddies off to school (hooray!) and then get me a nice, big cappuccino. Then a train ride into the city.
Have a good one!
And, if you can, keep holding those good thoughts...
MWAH!
But the first thing he asked about after surgery was whether he could watch the basketball game. :)
He's doing well, so far. He's eating, walking a bit, and is in good spirits. His vitals look good. He's still in ICU, so they're keeping a close eye on him.
Today I'm taking some time alone. Something I haven't had, what with winter break and all. :) Yesterday I met with a behavioral therapist for WG's potty training, but since then have been lying low.
She said to me that parents of kids with special needs are chosen, because not everyone could handle it. I've heard it before, but I guess I needed to hear it again. And I'm stickin' to it!
Since things have calmed down (a bit) since Tuesday, I went online and watched the first two episodes of the new season of "Sherlock." I just couldn't wait, lol! It took some hunting, but I was able to find links on Tumblr. I won't go into detail, for those of you who haven't seen them yet, but, while they're a different tone than the first two seasons, I found them very entertaining and endearing. But knowing Moffat and Gatiss, we're being set up for something BIG...
As for the "Doctor Who" Christmas special/regeneration: The removal of the bow tie broke my heart, but the actual regeneration made me VERY HAPPY! Peter Capaldi is one of my favorite actors, he's been a fan of the show since he was a kid, and he's going to be brilliant!
("Kidneys!")
OK. Gotta get the kiddies off to school (hooray!) and then get me a nice, big cappuccino. Then a train ride into the city.
Have a good one!
And, if you can, keep holding those good thoughts...
MWAH!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Not Again
My F-I-L is in the hospital today, undergoing an emergency angiogram. Yesterday he had surgery to remove clots from his leg, but he's been having chest pain all day. Needless to say, my M-I-L (who's at the hospital with him, along with S-I-L and Hubby) is a bit of a wreck. She just turned 70 on Saturday, and my F-I-L is 72. He had that quadruple bypass a couple years back, and he's been having pain lately, but not letting anyone know.
I'm at home with the kids. Better all around, and there's no need to worry them too much at this point (to the point they would understand what's happening, at least). But here's that fucking helpless feeling again. There's nothing I can do to make this better for them. Any of them.
I'm just hoping they find the issue and fix it. He's due a few more good years on this planet, IMHO.
I WAS going to blog about all my fangirling over "Doctor Who" and "Sherlock," but that'll have to wait, if that's OK. I kinda have to go be a grown-up for a while.
Happy New Year, Peace, and Blessings.
Love,
Alyssa
I'm at home with the kids. Better all around, and there's no need to worry them too much at this point (to the point they would understand what's happening, at least). But here's that fucking helpless feeling again. There's nothing I can do to make this better for them. Any of them.
I'm just hoping they find the issue and fix it. He's due a few more good years on this planet, IMHO.
I WAS going to blog about all my fangirling over "Doctor Who" and "Sherlock," but that'll have to wait, if that's OK. I kinda have to go be a grown-up for a while.
Happy New Year, Peace, and Blessings.
Love,
Alyssa
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Happy Happy!
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate!
And to my fellow Whovians, Happy Regeneration Day! :)
And to my fellow Whovians, Happy Regeneration Day! :)
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Well, THAT Was Fun!!!!!!
Feeling much better now. THANK YOU for all your support! It really means the world!
It has been suggested, by folks wiser than I, that a gluten sensitivity can often be a cause of depression, particularly long-term, low-grade depression like mine. So I'm spending 2 weeks utterly GF, and seeing how I feel. It's PMS time, so if it works, that'd be somethin', eh?
I think I'm also feeling restless. Coming out of the (mostly) stay-at-home-mom cocoon and not knowing exactly which end is up. And realizing that, as much as I enjoyed them at the time, the teaching jobs I had (Pilates, then theater for young 'uns) are NOT meant to be my life's work. It's most likely true that, at this point, raising my kids IS my life's work, and my creative stuff is my side job. Which is fine. As long as I actually get to DO creative stuff.
Short films. A solo stage show written by ME. Performing in other peoples' shows again. Short stories. Maybe a novel. Bass player for the Rolling Stones (If I ever actually learn to play bass). Who the heck knows?
I'm trying to look at this time as a re-awakening. I also watched an interview with someone whom i greatly admire, and he was saying that it took him until his 40th year to realize that the way to succeed in his creative life was to be himself, and not try to fit into any cookie-cutter mold. And when he did that, guess what happened? His career started taking off! Yes, there were peaks and valleys, but he's now playing his dream role.
So what did I get out of that? Well, another light bulb went off. When I started grad school, I'd been working professionally for 3 years and had built up my confidence. To the point where I actually started assuming I'd get pretty much every role I auditioned for. It wasn't ego, really, it was just that I focused on the work rather than on trying to impress or please anyone. By the time I FINISHED grad school, all that had disappeared. Because I once again started wanting to please my instructors. That became more important than doing my job and telling the story of whichever show I happened to be in at the time. Ironic, yes? Because if pleasing others was my focus, the best way to do that would've been to, well, do my job and tell the story! But I got caught up in the minutiae, trying so hard to do everything RIGHT, that the bigger picture, the whole, got lost.
Then I moved to L.A. and, while I got some of my performing confidence back, I got caught up in body image issues again. I honestly believed I didn't DESERVE to work because I wasn't attractive enough. Beliefs helped along by the industry, of course. And I'm sorry for repeating myself here, but I'm still discovering just how deep and insidious these beliefs are.
It's time for me to put down the cookie cutters and find my own voice again. I tell my students that what they bring to the table is ALWAYS more interesting than any persona they try to put on. Why don't I take my own advice? Oh right, it's a lot easier to dish it out to other people. :)
I think I'm at a pretty interesting, juicy time of life right now. I've lived a bit, I've experienced a lot, and I certainly know more now than I did 20 years ago. I may not have the unlined skin, perky boobs and high metabolism I had then, but I also don't have the same crippling insecurities, fear, and self-consciousness, either. I think I have something to say, and I think it's something that is interesting and that people can relate to.
There's a great quote from "The Velveteen Rabbit": The rabbit asks the Skin Horse what it means to be real: "Generally, by the time you are real, most of your skin has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
I get it now.
It has been suggested, by folks wiser than I, that a gluten sensitivity can often be a cause of depression, particularly long-term, low-grade depression like mine. So I'm spending 2 weeks utterly GF, and seeing how I feel. It's PMS time, so if it works, that'd be somethin', eh?
I think I'm also feeling restless. Coming out of the (mostly) stay-at-home-mom cocoon and not knowing exactly which end is up. And realizing that, as much as I enjoyed them at the time, the teaching jobs I had (Pilates, then theater for young 'uns) are NOT meant to be my life's work. It's most likely true that, at this point, raising my kids IS my life's work, and my creative stuff is my side job. Which is fine. As long as I actually get to DO creative stuff.
Short films. A solo stage show written by ME. Performing in other peoples' shows again. Short stories. Maybe a novel. Bass player for the Rolling Stones (If I ever actually learn to play bass). Who the heck knows?
I'm trying to look at this time as a re-awakening. I also watched an interview with someone whom i greatly admire, and he was saying that it took him until his 40th year to realize that the way to succeed in his creative life was to be himself, and not try to fit into any cookie-cutter mold. And when he did that, guess what happened? His career started taking off! Yes, there were peaks and valleys, but he's now playing his dream role.
So what did I get out of that? Well, another light bulb went off. When I started grad school, I'd been working professionally for 3 years and had built up my confidence. To the point where I actually started assuming I'd get pretty much every role I auditioned for. It wasn't ego, really, it was just that I focused on the work rather than on trying to impress or please anyone. By the time I FINISHED grad school, all that had disappeared. Because I once again started wanting to please my instructors. That became more important than doing my job and telling the story of whichever show I happened to be in at the time. Ironic, yes? Because if pleasing others was my focus, the best way to do that would've been to, well, do my job and tell the story! But I got caught up in the minutiae, trying so hard to do everything RIGHT, that the bigger picture, the whole, got lost.
Then I moved to L.A. and, while I got some of my performing confidence back, I got caught up in body image issues again. I honestly believed I didn't DESERVE to work because I wasn't attractive enough. Beliefs helped along by the industry, of course. And I'm sorry for repeating myself here, but I'm still discovering just how deep and insidious these beliefs are.
It's time for me to put down the cookie cutters and find my own voice again. I tell my students that what they bring to the table is ALWAYS more interesting than any persona they try to put on. Why don't I take my own advice? Oh right, it's a lot easier to dish it out to other people. :)
I think I'm at a pretty interesting, juicy time of life right now. I've lived a bit, I've experienced a lot, and I certainly know more now than I did 20 years ago. I may not have the unlined skin, perky boobs and high metabolism I had then, but I also don't have the same crippling insecurities, fear, and self-consciousness, either. I think I have something to say, and I think it's something that is interesting and that people can relate to.
There's a great quote from "The Velveteen Rabbit": The rabbit asks the Skin Horse what it means to be real: "Generally, by the time you are real, most of your skin has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
I get it now.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Epic Fail
During those times (which, sadly, seem to be coming more frequently these days) when I look at my life and wonder how the HELL I got HERE, my saving grace has usually been "OK, maybe I'm 44 and living, if not with MY parents, with my HUSBAND'S parents, and maybe I'm unemployed and maybe all my dreams have gone the way of the Dodo, but at least I'm a good mom and am there for my special kids with special needs.
Until one of them *cough WG cough* spends the better part of 2 days crying and, not only is there nothing I can do to help, but SHE DOESN'T WANT ME THERE.
Well, at times. Sometimes she'll crawl into my lap and squeeze me, and then, after a few minutes of that, push me out of the room.
Part of me thinks it's the onset of puberty. But, of course, I have no way of knowing for sure, being as she is non-verbal.
So I am left feeling like the worst, most incompetent parent in the world. And, at 2 AM, when she's FINALLY falling asleep, wondering WTF is my purpose on this planet?!?!?! It's not like I add much. Truthfully. For as long as I can remember, I've been depressed, scared, and pretty much useless. For a few years I brought something to the world as an actor and teacher. I was effective. But that only lasted a short while.
So I guess the question I have to ask is the age-old one: Why Am I Here? But I need to find an answer. Because I don't want to be useless. I don't want to waste my time/oxygen/space here. I've probably already lived half (or more) of my life. I KNOW I wasn't sent here just to eat food & surf the 'net.
Granted, I don't always feel this down. But it just seems to be happening more and more, again. And I know there are some who give up everything for their kids are are happy to do so. I suppose I'm just not that selfless. Because as time goes on, I often feel more and more trapped. It hurts to say it, it hurts to feel it. Because, OF COURSE I love my kids, and want to do everything I can for them! But we're also struggling financially, and I don't think my sacrificing everything is helpful to them. My nightmare is that I'll wake up in another 10 years feeling resentful and angry all the time. What the hell kind of mom would I be then?
Plenty of people who are not in my position have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting a little of my life back. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it hits a nerve.
And now, in this living situation, where everyone has an opinion, expressed loudly, but no one wants to lend a hand, I sometimes just want to scream. There's also this weird competition that my M-I-L seems to feel regarding cooking and, specifically, feeding my husband. Add that to the fact that neither she nor my F-I-L respects to no-gluten rule when it comes to my kids.
I feel sometimes like I've woken up on the other side of the looking glass, with no way to get back home. At least not for a few more years, until we can afford to move out again.
So, yes, I feel trapped.
And my depression is back. I'm getting pretty tired of it. I've felt this way since I was 6 years old, and I'm not sure if it will ever fully go away.
So I tap, and I meditate, and it helps A LOT. But sometimes it's a lot harder to find my way out.
I just didn't imagine that this is where I'd be at this stage of my life.
I feel like a massive failure, and I'm not sure how to STOP feeling this way.
Until one of them *cough WG cough* spends the better part of 2 days crying and, not only is there nothing I can do to help, but SHE DOESN'T WANT ME THERE.
Well, at times. Sometimes she'll crawl into my lap and squeeze me, and then, after a few minutes of that, push me out of the room.
Part of me thinks it's the onset of puberty. But, of course, I have no way of knowing for sure, being as she is non-verbal.
So I am left feeling like the worst, most incompetent parent in the world. And, at 2 AM, when she's FINALLY falling asleep, wondering WTF is my purpose on this planet?!?!?! It's not like I add much. Truthfully. For as long as I can remember, I've been depressed, scared, and pretty much useless. For a few years I brought something to the world as an actor and teacher. I was effective. But that only lasted a short while.
So I guess the question I have to ask is the age-old one: Why Am I Here? But I need to find an answer. Because I don't want to be useless. I don't want to waste my time/oxygen/space here. I've probably already lived half (or more) of my life. I KNOW I wasn't sent here just to eat food & surf the 'net.
Granted, I don't always feel this down. But it just seems to be happening more and more, again. And I know there are some who give up everything for their kids are are happy to do so. I suppose I'm just not that selfless. Because as time goes on, I often feel more and more trapped. It hurts to say it, it hurts to feel it. Because, OF COURSE I love my kids, and want to do everything I can for them! But we're also struggling financially, and I don't think my sacrificing everything is helpful to them. My nightmare is that I'll wake up in another 10 years feeling resentful and angry all the time. What the hell kind of mom would I be then?
Plenty of people who are not in my position have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting a little of my life back. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it hits a nerve.
And now, in this living situation, where everyone has an opinion, expressed loudly, but no one wants to lend a hand, I sometimes just want to scream. There's also this weird competition that my M-I-L seems to feel regarding cooking and, specifically, feeding my husband. Add that to the fact that neither she nor my F-I-L respects to no-gluten rule when it comes to my kids.
I feel sometimes like I've woken up on the other side of the looking glass, with no way to get back home. At least not for a few more years, until we can afford to move out again.
So, yes, I feel trapped.
And my depression is back. I'm getting pretty tired of it. I've felt this way since I was 6 years old, and I'm not sure if it will ever fully go away.
So I tap, and I meditate, and it helps A LOT. But sometimes it's a lot harder to find my way out.
I just didn't imagine that this is where I'd be at this stage of my life.
I feel like a massive failure, and I'm not sure how to STOP feeling this way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)