Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Epic Fail

During those times (which, sadly, seem to be coming more frequently these days) when I look at my life and wonder how the HELL I got HERE, my saving grace has usually been "OK, maybe I'm 44 and living, if not with MY parents, with my HUSBAND'S parents, and maybe I'm unemployed and maybe all my dreams have gone the way of the Dodo, but at least I'm a good mom and am there for my special kids with special needs.
Until one of them *cough WG cough* spends the better part of 2 days crying and, not only is there nothing I can do to help, but SHE DOESN'T WANT ME THERE.
Well, at times. Sometimes she'll crawl into my lap and squeeze me, and then, after a few minutes of that, push me out of the room.
Part of me thinks it's the onset of puberty. But, of course, I have no way of knowing for sure, being as she is non-verbal.

So I am left feeling like the worst, most incompetent parent in the world.  And, at 2 AM, when she's FINALLY falling asleep, wondering WTF is my purpose on this planet?!?!?!  It's not like I add much.  Truthfully.  For as long as I can remember, I've been depressed, scared, and pretty much useless.  For a few years I brought something to the world as an actor and teacher.  I was effective.  But that only lasted a short while.

So I guess the question I have to ask is the age-old one: Why Am I Here?  But I need to find an answer.  Because I don't want to be useless.  I don't want to waste my time/oxygen/space here.  I've probably already lived half (or more) of my life.  I KNOW I wasn't sent here just to eat food & surf the 'net.

Granted, I don't always feel this down.  But it just seems to be happening more and more, again.   And I know there are some who give up everything for their kids are are happy to do so.  I suppose I'm just not that selfless.  Because as time goes on, I often feel more and more trapped.  It hurts to say it, it hurts to feel it. Because, OF COURSE I love my kids, and want to do everything I can for them!  But we're also struggling financially, and I don't think my sacrificing everything is helpful to them.  My nightmare is that I'll wake up in another 10 years feeling resentful and angry all the time.  What the hell kind of mom would I be then?

Plenty of people who are not in my position have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting a little of my life back.  It doesn't always work, but sometimes it hits a nerve.

And now, in this living situation, where everyone has an opinion, expressed loudly, but no one wants to lend a hand, I sometimes just want to scream.  There's also this weird competition that my M-I-L seems to feel regarding cooking and, specifically, feeding my husband.  Add that to the fact that neither she nor my F-I-L respects to no-gluten rule when it comes to my kids.
I feel sometimes like I've woken up on the other side of the looking glass, with no way to get back home. At least not for a few more years, until we can afford to move out again.

So, yes, I feel trapped.

And my depression is back.  I'm getting pretty tired of it.  I've felt this way since I was 6 years old, and I'm not sure if it will ever fully go away.
So I tap, and I meditate, and it helps A LOT.  But sometimes it's a lot harder to find my way out.

I just didn't imagine that this is where I'd be at this stage of my life.
I feel like a massive failure, and I'm not sure how to STOP feeling this way.


Geosomin said...

Aw hun, I'd come over and bring you a cup of coffee and a hug if I could. I'm sorry you're feeling so down...winter seems to bring out the funk in me too. I hope things will get better.

With all the things you talk about doing and have done and the way you do your best to be a great mum to your kids I certainly don't think you have a reason to feel useless :) Living with family can be a frustrating thing...try not to let them get to you.

Hang in there, OK?

azusmom said...

Thank you! <3

Crabby McSlacker said...

Totally agree with Geosomin, I can't imagine the challenge of being there for those kids, and what a gift you give to them everyday, even when it doesn't feel like they can appreciate it.

Sending hugs and hoping you start feeling better and realize you are trying hard, and doing your best, and that's all ANYONE can do! You are awesome and somewhere deep down inside you may even know it, if you can find that part of you and access it.