Thursday, January 16, 2014

Holy Cow!

Something pretty amazing happened yesterday.  Which I'll get to in a bit.
But first...
F-I-L is home from the hospital.  :)  He'd gone into renal failure last Thursday.  The doctors weren't sure why, at first.  Turns out it may have been they dye they'd injected into his veins to track his blood flow.  He's diabetic,  so sometimes his body will reject that sort of thing.  Luckily, by Friday he was better, and by Monday he was home.  Yesterday he even climbed the stairs to use his old computer.
Which is great, but I still think we should move that computer downstairs.   That's a lot of stairs.

I watched the third episode of "Sherlock" last night, and wow! It's great!  And the ending is FANTASTIC!  I was worried about some of the characters but, well, spoilers.

I also did another yoga workshop on Sunday.  It was core-based, but worked everything.  I felt terrific afterward, but I was exhausted all day Monday, lol!
AND, I'm signing up for another writing class.  It's taught by a woman who also used to be an actor, so she teaches from that perspective.
Which should be helpful.
I've made inquiries with an improv group in town, but haven't heard back from them yet.   Hopefully soon...

OK.  So, yesterday I was on my EFT conference call. I was feeling very pissy and PMS-y, and didn't want to do the tapping.  And then I started feeling bitter: Why have I been trying to FIX myself for 40 years?  I look around and I see, quite frankly, some of the meanest, nastiest, most ignorant people shooting their mouths off with (seemingly) no consequences whatsoever, going through life like they are the sh*t and the rest of us should just get out of their way. If people like THAT don't feel the need for self-help, why do I spend so much time "working on myself"?!?!?!?!
I'm not perfect. No one is. But I'm basically a good, decent human.  I don't go around hurling insults, or trolling people online.  If someone has an issue with me, well, at this point it's THEIR issue.  It's time for me to not only love myself, but to LIKE myself.  After all, I'm a pretty cool chick!  I think I'd want me for a friend.
So it finally clicked.  For real.  Not just the intellectual understanding, but the deep down, gut-level understanding.
There are times I will screw up. And that's being human.  I'll apologize, learn from it, and move on.  But I'm through berating myself.  I'm done regretting the past.  There's nothing there that can be changed, and it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I sometimes make it out to be!

I grew up believing that I was inherently BAD.  That I needed to be FIXED.  That there was something wrong with me, deep down inside.  And I think my dad believed that about himself, as well.  Who knows how far back it goes.  But, again, it ends with me.

One of the things I'm most proud of is that my kids are secure in the knowledge that they are loved.  Loved deeply and fully, and that nothing will ever change that. I didn't have that when I was growing up.  When you are a kid and you believe that love is conditional, well, it creates a lot of issues, lol! For me, I would have sworn that being loved depended on a laundry list of accomplishments: Being thin "enough," getting good grades, keeping my room clean, never making anyone angry,  being "good," etc. It was a long and fluid list, and I ALWAYS came up short.
Some people thought it was odd that I chose acting as my profession; after all, you're constantly criticized,  and often found lacking.  But, for me, it was familiar and comfortable territory.  It was all I knew.  And it wasn't until I was a young professional, having finally built up my confidence, that I realized it could be different. That it SHOULD be different.

And, at long last, I'm realizing that that holds true for ALL aspects of life.

So, here's to better days!  For all of us!

1 comment:

Geosomin said...

wow. that's an amazing thing to settle into and move from.